Emotional Aspects

[Guest guest]

Hi,

So the medical side of my story is pretty simple. Starting having symptoms 1.5

years ago, diagnosed with acid reflux for 6 months to no avail, diagnosed with

Achalasia in January, have a meeting with Dr. DeMeester at USC coming up to

discuss treatment. I have some sort of pain most times I eat and more intense,

debilitating stabbing sensations once day or so. For the last few months I have

also been regurgitating food in the more painful situations. I've been coughing

at night since last summer, and now often wake up regurgitating food. Through a

great deal of determination, the only weight I've lost has been through running

and a transference from fat to muscle.

So right now my case is straight forward. By the book. It's all quantified.

But somehow the coherent logic of it can't seem assuage the fear and strife of

it. I should be able to reason myself out of the fear by understanding

everything that's going on. I even feel comfortable talking about it to others

now, but I still feel isolated by it, especially during meals.

Food is more than just nutrients in our culture. It's a way to bond with each

other. To take time out from stress and work to talk and relax, but that's been

taken away. It's gone from a time to relax to a self inflicted torture session.

And while the pain stops after meals, it just leaves me emotionally drained and

tired. Most days I handle it, but eventually the emotional toll of forcing

myself through pain catches up. I just have to withdraw from the pain and the

world and pretend it doesn't exist in some TV show or novel. And the difficulty

sleeping soundly leaves me tired with headaches a great deal of the time.

Right now I'm a sophomore at Caltech, which if you don't know is home of one of

the most difficult science programs around. People here get burned out even

being perfectly healthy. And while I still love what I'm doing and know that

this is the best place for me, I feel like I don't have enough strength to do

all that I need to do and deal with the pain. I need to be at the top of my

game, but I'm just not. I need to go beyond just moving through the problem

sets to really learning this stuff like the back of my hand, but I'm too

drained.

And all the things about cutting more painful foods from my diet? I use that

and it helps, but everything's painful. Sometimes my most painful occasions are

just with water. The only way I can eat is keeping up hope that maybe this time

it will be easier. Imagining that this time it won't hurt. Sometimes when I'm

burned out I claim I'll just stopping eating painful things = stop eating, but

that doesn't work. I have to eat.

I try to not eat before going to sleep, but dinner time is six, and bedtime is

often determined by either when my problem set gets done or when my brain shuts

down from exhaustion. I don't know when to cut off food intake, since I don't

plan when I'm going to fall asleep. The best way to stay awake is food. What

should I do when I become ravishingly hungry at 2 AM?

Sorry about the long post, but it feels good to write this stuff to people who

have a deeper appreciation for what's going on. Does anyone have advice for

keeping up emotional strength?

Two more short questions:

How should I handle meals when people notice I've barely touched my food, or I

have to withdraw inward because of the pain?

Also, how important is it to have a family member/ parent at any medical tests

or meetings instead of a college friend?

Lee