Am I truly going for the -ectomy?

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Hi all, After making a mindmap / flow chart on my options on achalasia, I looked at it over and over again and altered it over and over again (mostly adding things). It gave me a very clear look on what I need to do: 3rd myotomy; -ectomy; doing nothing. It guids me in the direction of the -ectomy. Today's experience got me more convinced emotionally (and rationally) too. I was out for the day with a dear friend of mine, her daughters and my boys. It was a great day, yet I was so tired, I lacked so much energy and felt guilty towards my kids again (they truly are my reason to hang in and go for it). When we sat down for lunch, I thougt I was a good girl. Not showing difficulties and for my own ease, I think I forgot the bunch of empty drink packages showing what I had to do to flush my bread down. When the kids were running and playing again, my friend looked at me and asked me to honestly tell her what Botox

did for me this time, how my swallowing went now, and I told her the truth: it does help me a bit, things do go slightly better, but not the way I wished they would. My God, girl you are a mess right now, I cannot imagine how you must have been eating without the Botox..., she said. She's a friend whom I already know for so long, who has seen me go through the lot. I thought I was a pretty good hider and maybe I am for people who don't really know me... There was a slide with water and boats where we went. Our youngest wasn't allowed to go in alone, as he's simply too small. We needed to climb up a hill to get there. I did 3 times and just couldn't do it anymore. I was exhausted. Dayan wanted so badly to have another ride, but I simply couldn't do it and that hurt me so bad. Then there was this visit to my brother earlier this week. His girlfriend sat on the coach and kept looking at me. When the

subject got to my -ectomy she told me right in my face (yet warm and with the best of intentions, don't get me wrong) how skinny I had become. I knew I lost weight, but never really thought of me as being skinny. The day after I went to the pool and had the best of time, but when I saw myself in that big big mirror you walk past when you go towards the pool, pfffffffft. I knew she was right. I am convinced something needs to change. I am still going to have that talk with Dr. Schulz and with Hartwig and some others. But deep deep down, I think I made up my mind and I am going to have that dam... thing out. I've had it with that stupid thing and I want to beat it forever. Not temporarily. Forever. No more achalasia. I want to enjoy my days out with the kids again. Not that I don't enjoy them now, but nowadays I sometimes feel an outsider. The sick mum who needs to sit down. I know the kids don't feel it that way,

yet, I sometimes wonder how much I truly am hiding without them noticing. There is only little I guess that's gonna make me change my mind. Dr. Schulz must have a very good talk and come up with some very good reasons to talk me into another myotomy. I don't think he'll succeed in talking me into it. The only thing that can keep me from having the -ecotomy done is my fear. My fear for surgery, which is immense. I am truly going to try to put that fear aside, when Dr. Broeders is giving me rational reasons to do so. Fysically I am not so very strong right now. Yet, I am working on it. Walking or biking every night, trying to eat as healthy as possible. Immediately after summer holidays I'll be going back to my sports training every week. I must be in good shape for surgery. I must say that I am so strong mentally! Never thought I would feel so mentally strong when being on the cross road where I am right now, so

positive too, facing the NO-word. Never thought it would only need about one week to get my mind set on such heavy surgery. Guess my ratio is doing a great job. Love, Isabella

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