Re: rude or unkind?

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 06/06/2001 7:06:43 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

Patgeon@... writes:

> . I think some people don't really know how to

> respond to a person with any sort of a handicap. It's not so much that

> they

> mean to be rude or unkind, it's just that they don't really know what to

> say.

> When I have my granddaughter with me if anyone questions the fact

> that

> she doesn't talk, I politely tell them that she is learning to talk better

>

I understand what you are saying, and you may be right, but it's hard to

explain why someone would do something like the Wal Mart clerk did a few

weeks ago while she rang up my purchases. She started talking to my son and

he just looked at her and smiled. Before I could say anything, she asked in

a really loud voice, " WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM, CAN'T HE TALK OR ANYTHING?? "

She gave the word WRONG and the word ANYTHING a great deal of emphasis. Her

tone was completely offensive as well.

My son's smile melted to be replaced by a frown and he turned away and stood

behind me. I tried to give her a quick explanation that wouldn't make my son

feel even worse, but she kept on and on and I couldn't get away until I got

my change and receipt. She remained insistent, belligerent and intrusive

throughout the entire exchange, even after she was told he had a

communication disorder but could understand what she was saying. She kept a

long line of impatient people waiting to be checked out, who were watching

all this and listening to every word.

It's hard for me to explain this type of rudeness as anything else but a lack

of human compassion. After all, it really wasn't necessary for her to say

anything at all in order to do her job. I feel sorry for people who have

this 'handicap', but I feel sorry for my son a good deal more for having to

put up with them. I don't want anybody's pity, and neither does he. We just

want to be left alone to live our lives in peace. As much as I may want to

read someone the riot act, I don't because it would just call more attention

to my already humiliated son and make him feel even worse.

I don't want to have to ask to speak to the manager, complain about

employees, write letters, etc etc every time I turn around either. I have a

life to live, and precious little time to accomplish everything I need to do.

I don't have the energy for it or the desire to spend my time that way. My

son needs my time and my energy, and I would like to have a little left over

for my family and myself also.

I wish I could say that it is hard for me to think of examples of this type

of thing, but it is definitely not difficult at all. I get tired of

answering people's questions, watching my son get embarrassed and humiliated,

and yes...sometimes it's alot more relaxing to just stay home away from

prying, insensitive people. We do get out and do things, we're not hermits,

but this kind of thing neither my son nor I need.

I'm thinking about having two business cards printed up, one for nice people

who are just asking out of curiousity and/or concern, and one for rude and

insensitive people. The first would just briefly explain the disorder and

the fact that my son understands everything that's being said, but often

cannot respond, and that I don't discuss it with people in front of him out

of consideration of his feelings.

The second I'm still working on, but in cases where I feel it's quite obvious

the person intended to hurt feelings or to be rude, I would like to give them

a little taste of their own medicine. Maybe on the flipside of the card I

described above something like - 'You may not realize this but remarks like

the one you just made are very damaging to the self-esteem of a child with a

communication disorder. This reverse side of this card will give you an

explanation of the disorder in order to increase your level of understanding,

and hopefully compassion.'

I would like to let people know about, raise awareness of, and increase

sensitivity to communication disorders. But I don't like the way my son has

to stand there and listen while people discuss what's 'wrong with him.' It

just doesn't feel right to me. In fact, I feel like I'm subjecting him to

abuse when I keep putting him in this situation. Right now, my paramount

concern is helping him develop a healthy self-esteem.

[Guest guest]

Bravo!!!! That was terrific. It couldn't have been said any better. Thank

you .

Janet

(Mom to Adam 2.10 - verbal apraxia? and Kaitlyn 4 months)

[Guest guest]

I read your email and I too was in that situation many, many times. I find

it fustrating that people are rude and insensitive when they make those

comments ESPECIALLY toward children. It could hurt their self-esteem

terribly. I sometimes say, " Yes, they can talk, but obviously not to you " .

Joya

[Guest guest]

your posting brought tears to my eyes. I am sure every other parent can relate to what you wrote. It breaks my heart so often with what my child goes through. I too avoided going out and even seeing people I knew because I did not want to explain it, especially in front of my son. Now I am doing the opposite, I am explaining the situation to everyone. It is still real hard cause you know people are thinking to themselves "what is wrong with him." They just do not understand and everyone has a comment for everything. I don't know what is the right or wrong way to go through each day, I wish we had the answers, I wish we had a cure. I have had a tough few days over this and I thank you for reminding me that I am not alone

mom to 2.9 verbal dyspraxia and 10 months

[Guest guest]

Had to respond to 's letter.I relate to everything you have said.My son

has improved immensely and I really don't have to intervene anymore,but the

years of looks and questions,most by people who knew nothing. One question I

remember was, " You know you may want to have his hearing checked? Many kids

with speech problems can't hear? This person was a Dad of a little girl that

was in my son's Sunday School class who to this day I can't speak to

them.They just really ticked me off with their attitude and advice.The Mom is

a teacher.Thank goodness she's not my son's teacher!! I no longer care what

people think.We still have problems with over stimulation and crowds but we

deal with it.I refuse to let my son not lead a normal life and go places that

other do.I get so tired sometimes.So hang in there.Everyday is easier.My son

just finished his last day of Kindergarten today and got Satisfactories on

everything but working independently.He couldn't even write his name at the

beginning of the school year.Now he writes it including his last name that

is 10 letters.I am so proud of him and so his the rest of his family and

friends. That's all that matters. So hang in there.People are really rude.

Gretchen

[Guest guest]

, I totally agree with you Your idea of two cards is great, it will save

you from giving tiring expalantions to idiots. I once had to put up with a

stupid woman who said in front of my child (who understand everything, but whose

pronounciation is poor): Does she go to school? Does she understand the teacher?

I just said Yes.

Another time another woman on the train said: Why has she got a flat nose? (this

woman was a foreigner and we were talking English, but my daughter understand

English, for her father is English). My daugher somatic features may resemble

asiatic ones (Kabuli Syndorme). I did not bother replying, just stopped talking

with her and when we left, I had my daughter to greet the idiot in English.

I share your feelings

Hugs

Simonetta, mum to Alison 7yrs, Kabuki Syndrome

Milan, Italy

> ----- Original Message -----

> From: <akchum@...>

In a message dated 06/06/2001 7:06:43 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

Patgeon@... writes:

I think some people don't really know how to respond to a person with any sort

of a handicap.

[Guest guest]

I myself have come across many rude people.....right infront of who

may not talk but is very bright, They would say " aren't you worried " (Yes

damn it). I remember one teacher when and and I were on a

classtrip (they were on this trip) They were both sitting right next to

me... 4 and 6... was explaining to

something...'s teacher really loud said " My is very bright

doesn't this upset you that doesn't talk as well as " ? I looked

at her and said " No cause my is very smart too and he wouldn't be

any other way " reached up and gave me the biggest hug....I had

removed from her class the next day. I never pointed out in front of

my boys the difference...They feel even today they are the same

Diane, mom to 16, 14, 12,

10, 9.

[Guest guest]

, It was very rude of the lady in Walmart to talk to you as she did.

She made herself look really bad. I wouldn't be happy if anyone talked to me

or my children in such an unkind way. I too want to make sure my family

treats everyone decently even if they have to bite their tongue. That lady

didn't have much self esteem. Grammy Patty,

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 06/10/2001 3:11:09 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

fivej@... writes:

> ). I remember one teacher when and and I were on a

> classtrip (they were on this trip) They were both sitting right next to

> me... 4 and 6... was explaining to

> something...'s teacher really loud said " My is very bright

> doesn't this upset you that doesn't talk as well as " ? I looked

> at her and said " No cause my is very smart too and he wouldn't be

> any other way " reached up and gave me the biggest hug....I had

>

You are a wonderful mother, and you really deserved that hug!

: )