Re: what do you say???.....

[Guest guest]

I also like to say, " did you mean that how it sounded " ? and after saying

it, be quiet and let it hang in the air. Most of the time, people

quickly realize they didn't' think before they spoke.

Kym...Proud Mom to 4, including 4 1/2 year old with DS

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[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/15/02 9:40:47 AM Central Daylight Time, Mom2lfm@...

writes:

> . My favorite line is, " Hey with my genes how can

> any child be less than wonderful? "

>

> Kathy, Liam's mom(4), stepping down from my soapbox

>

I LOVE that answer. Wish I'd thought of it.

Jessie, mom of , age 37, the light of my life.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/15/02 9:46:57 AM Central Daylight Time,

macfamily38@... writes:

> I also like to say, " did you mean that how it sounded " ? and after saying

> it, be quiet and let it hang in the air. Most of the time, people

> quickly realize they didn't' think before they spoke.

> Kym...Proud Mom to 4, including 4 1/2 year old with DS

>

>

Jessie, mom of , age 37, the light of my life.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/15/02 10:18:41 AM Central Daylight Time,

macfamily38@... writes:

> know that when people were saying all that stuff to us about adopting

> (he was 2 years old) and what we were doing to our birth children,

> our marriage, why were we " asking " for trouble, etc, our attitude was

> what turned them around. I would say things like, " I am so excited to

> meet him " , " we can't wait to get him here and just love him " , " isn't this

> great? A new addition to our family " , stuff like that. Most people

>

I think we are all advocates by letting the world see how we are with

our children. How we treat them and how we enjoy them. This has certainly

been true with us. and I have fun together and share a lot of love

that shows. Some people look at us like we are crazy, having fun with a

WHEELCHAIR!! Well why not? We enjoy pretty much everything we do together,

not constantly laughing of course, but just quietly. I think our attitude

toward our children, right from the first, affects other's attitudes too.

Jessie, mom of , age 37, the light of my life.

[Guest guest]

Oh !

People aren't always sensitive are they?!! I grew up with a brother with

special needs. There were 5 of us children in my family. He was the 4th

born, I am the oldest. It was the best thing for me. I grew up very

aware of other people's needs, a strong advocate for the under-dog, and I

think that it was because of my brother that we decided to adopt .

Your other children are going to learn so much from your attitude toward

your new son and from him. They will become teachers to show the world

about acceptance and love. It isn't always easy for the siblings, I

know. But this experience will make them stronger and I feel, if you

continue to spend one on one time with each of them (even reading a story

or something small like that), they will get everything they need. I

don't know what you can say to the people that say silly things, but I

know that when people were saying all that stuff to us about adopting

(he was 2 years old) and what we were doing to our birth children,

our marriage, why were we " asking " for trouble, etc, our attitude was

what turned them around. I would say things like, " I am so excited to

meet him " , " we can't wait to get him here and just love him " , " isn't this

great? A new addition to our family " , stuff like that. Most people

would stammer and say, " yeah " . but, as they saw us with him and got to

meet him, they ALL fell in love with him and our attitude was contagious.

=) Some people don't deserve or need to know your inner feelings, but

the other people in your life that you love and want to be a part of the

baby's life will go off of how you seem with it. Hang in there.

Good luck,

Kym...Proud Mom to 4, including 4 1/2 year old with DS

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[Guest guest]

I've loved reading this thread because it has certainly shown the strength,

creativity, humor, and love that many of us have developed since the arrival

of our child with DS. As many have said already, each of us must figure out

a way to deal with insensitive questions and comments, and , chances

are, like many of us, you will change your responses over time (seems like

most of us have gotten bolder about our opinions, LOL!)

I feel we were very fortunate to not know about the DS until after

was born... I think it's much easier to face people with a sweet baby in

your arms, and that they will really believe you when you tell them things

will be just fine. I still wonder when people ask " did you know before she

was born? " if they are really asking, " did you know and still choose to have

her? " , but that's not a battle I'm choosing to fight these days (there are

so many more, like preschools!!!!!!!).

Of course we told family and close friends about the DS soon after she was

born, but I refrained from telling those who didn't need to know until they

had a chance to meet . I felt that a call to someone who hadn't

seen our sweet, wonderful baby might cause them to have preconcieved notions

about her, how we " must be feeling " , whatever. I could just picture the

lunchroom at work before I was back from maternity leave " Oh, did you

hear..... " " it's so sad.... " , " poor ..... " " did she have that

testing..... " . It wasn't that I had any problem telling people, I just

wanted them to see , see that she was just like any other baby, and

that we loved her and related to her like our other child. This worked

really well for us, and when those more casual friends and co-workers were

told, they were really pretty relaxed about it because they knew

as a baby first, not as her disability first.... they had been allowed to

get comfortable with her!

As you go forward, you will find that a lot of people do have questions, but

are afraid to say anything (so as to not sound like the insensitive people

this thread started talking about!!!). I have found that casually

introducing DS as part of a converstation (for example with a mom from

typical preschool, YMCA gymnastics, etc.) gives them the chance to ask

questions and you the chance to educate them. For example, when watching

playing on the playset with typical peers, I might say something

like " Oh, we are so happy how well is climbing up the ladder

now.... you know, lots of kids with Down Syndrome don't walk until age 2,

but once finally started walking there was no stopping her! " This

tells them you are not afraid to talk about DS, you are relaxed about your

child, you have a positive attitude about her abilities, etc. Just my 2

cents!

Good luck , and don't read too much unless it is positive information

:-)

, mom to (6), (4 DS), and (2)

[Guest guest]

I am convinced that the fact that the person making the ignorant statement is

not secure in themselves is the main reason for the really DUMB questions and

attitudes. I have gotten some doozies. The " What's wrong with her? " is the

most common. I always just say, " She acts just like her Dad. " That one

usually stops them in their tracks. Right now this little angel is giving me

a back massage while she tells me about her day at school. You can tell the

people who are interested and those who are ignorant. I usually say she is a

Blessing. When you show people that your strength comes from your faith they

usually go off and try to figure it all out on their own. I enjoy the book

and CD, Sometimes Miracles Hide. I look at my daughter as the miracle of my

life. I am lucky, yes it is hard and sometimes I still cry after 9 years,

but I also know why I am here and she is rubbing my shoulders so sweetly

right now. If people find it necessary to make unkind remarks all I can say

is they must have unfulfilled lives and empty hearts, keep smiling , it bugs

them to no end... :0) God Bless, GW

[Guest guest]

I agree show the world you love your child and that your child has simple

needs as any human needs and the rest will fall into place . I really think

people are just afraid of what is different but once they see we are happy

and comfortable they will become comfortable also. Nettie619

[Guest guest]

Good Job Beverly!!!!!!!!! I really enjoyed reading your post. In response to

the What do you say post. I was smiling ear to ear. They were wonderful

options, every last one.

Davina, mom to Kyron 9; Kyrell 6 ds; Kierra 4

[Guest guest]

I don't know that you could really use this as a come back. But God

does not make mistakes. He knew each and every one of us before we were

born. He knows the numbers of hairs on our heads and the number of

tears that fall. There is a reason for every one of us and our children

being here. We may not know at first and possibly not until we see

Jesus face. But he created the baby boy growing inside of you and he

knows that you will be great parents to him!! Enjoy him because he is a

baby first he will bring so much joy to you and your husband and the

other children (and I am defiantly speaking from experience) My

daughter loves her brother there has never been the jealousy that I hear

most siblings get. My prayers are with you and your family.

On a lighter note back in high school we used to say to ignorant people

" Jesus may love you but, the rest of us think you are an a-- " :

Depending on what way you want to go with a comment LOL!!

Amy

Mom to Abby 3 and 15mo. d.s.

Walt & wrote:

> I am quickly learning who I want to disclose information to and who I

> want

> to just avoid in general! Does anyone have any good come-backs for

> insensitive and ignorant comments? For example, I was told by another

> mom

> that I should really think about what is best for my other children in

>

> deciding whether or not to terminate, and her opinion was clearly that

> it

> will be too hard to give all of them what they need. I find myself at

> a

> loss to respond to comments like this, and still feel too vulnerable

> to just

> ignore them. Any ideas?? Thanks!!

>

>

> Mom to , 5, , 3 1/2 and new baby boy due 7/13/02

>

> From: <mommyof2inaz@...>

> <loree5@...>; <pderdzinski@...>;

> < >

> Sent: Sunday, April 14, 2002 1:08 AM

> Subject: Re: what do you say???.....

>

>

> > In a message dated 3/23/2002 12:49:32 PM US Mountain Standard Time,

> > loree5@... writes:

> >

> >

> > > Does anyone have any input on this subject?

> > >

> > >

> >

> > Sorry i'm responing so late. Busy busy!!! My ny is 1 year now.

> he is

> > still tiny, compared to most babies. He's 17 lbs & about 29 inches.

> His

> > stature is very " petite " shall i say. People ask me all the time

> " how old

> is

> > your baby?? No he's not that old. He's just so tiny. What a

> beautiful

> baby. "

> > i always say thank you. I think he's gorgeous. Sometimes i tell

> people he

> has

> > Down syndrome. Sometimes i don't. it all depends on my mood for the

> day.

> > Thank fully i haven't had any negative things said to me. Not

> intentionally.

> > I would go with your gut feeling. You don't have to announce things

> to

> > people, unless you feel the need to. Anyway, who cares about what

> others

> > think?? She is your beautiful little angel either way.

> > {{ DeStefano{{

> > { Mommy to: Lynn & {

> >

> > {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

, this is a great idea. And you are right, people really take their

cues from the parent. I remember when was a baby and people would

ask how he was and I was always say, " GREAT! " ...even when he wasn't, or

when I wasn't feeling particularily upbeat. But I didn't want people to see

that and feel sorry for him or for me (of course I did have people close to

me who I could unload on when I needed to.)

R.

Mom to (8, ds) and Grace (5)

> What you could do is send an announcement to people you want to. Let them

know >that your son will have DS and a heart defect. Include information

that you have high >hopes for your child and he should do very well with

heart surgery. You'd appreciate >their prayers and support. You'd also

appreciate if they remember he is a child first and >that you are hoping his

birth will be just as joyeous as your others.

[Guest guest]

> I also like to say, " did you mean that how it sounded " ? and after saying

> it, be quiet and let it hang in the air. Most of the time, people

> quickly realize they didn't' think before they spoke.

> Kym...Proud Mom to 4, including 4 1/2 year old with DS

Kym, this is great, I'm going to have to remember it. So often I try to

make up for what the person said and try to make them feel more

comfortable...when what I really should do is let them own what they said!

[Guest guest]

Unfortunately, I told the director of the preschool where I work why I

needed time off, and I didn't at the time realize that what I had to say to

her would be public knowledge before I left the building to go home. For an

educated woman, she is very ignorant and can be downright nasty. Needless

to say, she is no longer privy to the details of this pregnancy!

Re: what do you say???.....

> What I would like to know is how all these bitchy stupid people

know

> that your baby has DS at this point. Who has told them?

>

> Jessie, mom of , age 37, the light of my life.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/15/02 10:33:30 PM Central Daylight Time,

cindysue@... writes:

>

I've had this happen too. They do come to talk to Zach and to the rest of

us. They always shake his hand and tell him he's a fine young man. Zach's

usual reply is " I know! " LOL! We need to work on that ;-) (I keep telling

him to say 'thank you' instead.) Zach asks their name and then introduces

all of us. It's great!

Altmeyer

Mom to Zachary (17/DS), (15) and (12)

Boonville, IN

[Guest guest]

Welllll,

My last post was supposed to start with 's comment on people with DS

family members staring. I don't know where the quote went!

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/15/2002 10:47:51 PM Central Standard Time,

ladywolfbear@... writes:

> I've had this happen too. They do come to talk to Zach and to the rest of

> us. They always shake his hand and tell him he's a fine young man. Zach's

> usual reply is " I know! " LOL! We need to work on that ;-) (I keep

> telling

> him to say 'thank you' instead.) Zach asks their name and then introduces

> all of us. It's great!

>

>

> Altmeyer

> Mom to Zachary (17/DS), (15) and (12)

> Boonville, IN

Ooh my gosh , is Zach and Sara from the same gene pool or just

honest folks heehee If anyone complements Sara, usually on her hair she wont

say thank you, she'll just agree lolol also she's one to introduce us to all,

I thought this came from our stranger talk, see if she introduces us and gets

their name then they are no longer strangers........her logic

Reading that Zach is 17, this attitude may stick around a bit with Sara lol

Kathy mom to Sara 10