Wonder Drug Inspires Deep, Unwavering Love Of Pharmaceutical Companies..

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In a message dated 3/8/06 4:04:29 PM Eastern Standard Time,

presentdayprods@... writes:

> Wonder Drug Inspires Deep, Unwavering Love Of Pharmaceutical Companies

>

> March 6, 2006 | Issue 42.10 The Onion (Satire)

>

> NEW YORK-The Food and Drug Administration today approved the sale of the

> drug PharmAmorin, a prescription tablet developed by Pfizer to treat chronic

> distrust of large prescription-drug manufacturers.

>

> Pfizer executives characterized the FDA's approval as a " godsend " for

> sufferers of independent-thinking-related mental-health disorders.

> Enlarge ImageImage

>

> PharmAmorin, now relieving distrust of large pharmaceutical conglomerates in

> pharmacies nationwide.

>

> " Many individuals today lack the deep, abiding affection for drug makers

> that is found in healthy people, such as myself, " Pfizer CEO Hank McKinnell

> said. " These tragic disorders are reaching epidemic levels, and as a company

> dedicated to promoting the health, well-being, and long life of our

> company's public image, it was imperative that we did something to combat

> them. "

>

> Although many psychotropic drugs impart a generalized feeling of well-being,

> PharmAmorin is the first to induce and focus intense feelings of affection

> externally, toward for-profit drug makers. Pfizer representatives say that,

> if taken regularly, PharmAmorin can increase affection for and trust in its

> developers by as much as 96.5 percent.

>

> " Out of a test group of 180, 172 study participants reported a dramatic rise

> in their passion for pharmaceutical companies, " said Pfizer director of

> clinical research Suzanne Frost. " And 167 asked their doctors about a

> variety of prescription medications they had seen on TV. "

>

> Frost said a small percentage of test subjects showed an interest in

> becoming lobbyists for one of the top five pharmaceutical companies, and

> several browsed eBay for drug-company apparel.

>

> PharmAmorin, available in 100-, 200-, and 400-mg tablets, is classified as a

> critical-thinking inhibitor, a family of drugs that holds great promise for

> the estimated 20 million Americans who suffer from Free-Thinking Disorder.

>

> Pfizer will also promote PharmAmorin in an aggressive, $34.6 million print

> and televised ad campaign.

>

> One TV ad, set to debut during next Sunday's 60 Minutes telecast, shows a

> woman relaxing in her living room and reading a newspaper headlined " Newest

> Drug Company Scandal Undermines Public Trust. " The camera zooms into the

> tangled neural matter of her brain, revealing a sticky black substance and a

> purplish gas.

>

> The narrator says, " She may show no symptoms, but in her brain, irrational

> fear and dislike of global pharmaceutical manufacturers is overwhelming her

> very peace of mind. "

>

> After a brief summary of PharmAmorin's benefits, the commercial concludes

> with the woman flying a kite across a sunny green meadow, the Pfizer

> headquarters gleaming in the background.

>

> PharmAmorin is the first drug of its kind, but Pfizer will soon face

> competition from rival pharmaceutical giant Bristol-Myers Squibb. The

> company is developing its own pro-pharmaceutical-company medication,

> Brismysquibicin, which will induce warm feelings not just for drug

> corporations in general, but solely for Bristol-Myers Squibb.

>

> " A PharmAmorin user could find himself gravitating toward the products of a

> GlaxoKline or Eli Lilly, " BMS spokesman Fike said. " This could

> seriously impede the patient's prescription-drug-market acceptance, or

> worse, Pfizer's profits in the long run. "

>

> " Brismysquibicin will be cheaper to produce and therefore far more

> affordable to those on fixed incomes, " Fike added.

>

> The news of an affordable skepticism-inhibitor was welcomed by New York

> physician Blake-Mann, who runs a free clinic in Spanish Harlem.

>

> " A lot of my patients are very leery of the medical establishment, "

> Blake-Mann said. " This will help them feel better about it, and save money

> at the same time. "

>

> PharmAmorin's side effects include nausea, upset stomach, and ignoring the

> side effects of prescription drug medication.

>

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