Kenya: Talking Openly About Sex, Telling it to children as it is

[Guest guest]

Talking Openly About Sex, Telling it to children as it is

Saturday, 19 November 2011 00:08 BY VALENTINE NJOROGE

Thanks to the `Ask Valentine..' column, I am constantly being bombarded by

parents who think that the content is too risqué for a family newspaper. Parents

are upset by the questions that their children ask after reading the paper and

the conversations they then have to have.

This week, I would like to reassure parents that they are the biggest influence

in their children's lives, until they [the parents] decide not to be. When your

children ask you questions, it is because they believe they can trust you and

all you have to do is maintain that trust. Also if your kids can read the Star

and parse the information, then they are old enough and smart enough for you to

have whatever conversation they bring up.

A weekend walk through malls or estates will expose you to teenagers with lots

of idle time on their hands, smart phones and/or internet access which is only

Sh1 a minute. Our parents may have gotten away with being lazy when we wanted

to have the sex conversation but we do not. Swahili tells us `asiyefunzwa na

mamake hufunzwa na ulimwengu'… please do not let the world teach your child

about sex? Begin the conversation and set the tone. The world has a lot to say

on the subject and as a parent you can establish the attitude with which your

kids approach their sex lives.

Eddie Grey, is a musician in his 30s and he says his mum told him that sex is

matrimonial and not some casual thing to be had with everyone. `my father said

nothing and my mum was cautionary, I understood that it was a taboo subject not

to be discussed. TV and my peers were my teachers. I also learnt some things

from this Raphael Tuju video that they made us watch in high school. " I thought

kids came from the supermarket… that they were a gift from giant supermarkets'

Priya Chana, CEO of PC Communications

`My parents didn't really talk about sex as I was growing up. I had my first

kiss at 12 and my mum said something along the lines of `keep it there,

everything else is downhill' and I understood that she meant kissing was the

best part of sex. My father said nothing until I was 22 then he said `I

understand that you want to have boyfriends but I would really appreciate it if

you didn't ` I think his big fear was pregnancy. I was very good at biology so I

pretty much thought I knew everything and didn't ask questions' `I thought

babies come from mummy's tummy and never asked if I was right or not.'

Caroline Mbindyo, 39 and the co-founder of BizBaz events which hosts Bizarre

Bazaar; and a mother of 3 kids who are 17, 12 and 11.

`My mother did not have much to say but she got my sisters and I a lot of

reading material so we understood our bodies. When we got our periods, we would

get a `welcome to womanhood gift. My father on the other hand was researching

something to do with AIDS and HIV so he was scared and decided to be really

candid. He told us about masturbation and abstinence and in our late teens, he

even discussed birth control with us. He did not want us to get pregnant or

sick.'

`Now as a mother it is up to me to have the sex conversation and I just want my

kids to understand that sex feels great but they are young and there are other

things they can be doing now. When they were younger we talked about good touch

and bad touch, and I told them how to tell people to stop touching them and

scream if they have to. It is tricky, they have to believe that you as a parent

will always be on their side. With my 17 year old daughter I am keeping channels

open so she can tell me everything. I told her that if and when she wants

contraception she can tell me and we will go get it. With my boys, we watched a

pregnancy video the other day and had a very interesting conversation. They were

fascinated.

I am a single mother and I am going out on dates so there have been some

surprises with my kids wanting to know what that means. One of them asked me

about booty calls the other day I was almost traumatized but this stuff is all

over the media so I just answered as candidly as possible. I am not a saint or a

nun, and I think they should benefit from my life lessons and experiences so I

tell them as much as I can get away with while remembering that they are not my

`buddies at the bar'. I refuse to sneak around my house like a 16 year old

hiding from a strict father. If I have a date I tell them. When I want them to

meet a boyfriend, they do.'

Ochieng', 30 year old Producer at Capital FM

Asked about the sex conversation, laughs out loud at the ludicrousness

of talking about sex in his household. `my father died when I was two, then at

some point in my childhood I asked my mum where babies come from and she said

`we are not talking about sex or babies in this house until you are old enough.

I am still waiting to be `old enough'. Jokes aside though my mum died a few

years ago and I wish I had asked her, just to get to know her better. Everything

I learnt about sex, I learned in school. My mum was so strict even watching

`Bold & the Beautiful' was a crime. So I got misinformed by my peers, some

biology in class then I had sex when I was 18 and it was awful. I was very

embarrassed; the whole thing was very, very awkward. Then I watched porn as an

adult and got the hang of it.'

Kihoro, 25 year old actress and News Anchor at One FM

`My parents said nothing about sex. When I got my period my mother said `now you

cannot look boys in the eye or you will get pregnant'. I thought I knew

everything even though nobody taught me much. When my mum was pregnant with my

younger brother I noticed she was eating a lot so I concluded that he was made

of peas and rice…. that when mummy wants a baby she eats a lot and gets one.

When I was about 21 my dad old my brother and I to use condoms if we decide to

have sex and that's it, I think the sex conversation is over.'

Here are some questions that your children may have at different stages in their

development and how to answer them, according to www.plannedparenthood.org

Nursery School Kids:

Where do babies come from? How do they get into mummy's stomach?

Questions about body parts e.g.: Why do you have breasts and daddy doesn't?

Make your answers as scientific as possible at this point. You want to

establish yourself as an expert with your kids, and not shy away from the topic

so they trust you and they come to you again.

Primary School kids:

What is AIDS?

Do boys have periods?

What does `gay' mean?

Again be as factual as possible. Your children now have more interaction with

the outside world so ask follow up questions to understand what pre-empted their

questions. This will help you to answer the real question behind their question.

Teens:

Is it true that a girl cannot get pregnant the first time she has sex?

Should people have sex when they are in love?

Does it hurt to lose your virginity?

Will having sex make a boy like me?

Is it ok to touch myself?

At this point your child is beginning to have feelings about their bodies, how

attractive they are, crushes on the opposite sex and all manner of other issues.

They maybe kissing their peers, experimenting with touch or even having sex.

Their issues are adult in nature but their experience is that of a child so your

availability for consultation is mandatory. Also, just like us adults, want to

know that they are normal. If you can delve into your own experiences and life

lessons, your children will find you more accessible. The more fun activities

you have with your children, the more they are likely to talk so ask them what

they want to do and make time for it.

Source:

http://www.the-star.co.ke/weekend/sasa/50002-talking-openly-about-sex-telling-it\

-to-children-as-it-is-

[Guest guest]

Talking Openly About Sex, Telling it to children as it is

Saturday, 19 November 2011 00:08 BY VALENTINE NJOROGE

Thanks to the `Ask Valentine..' column, I am constantly being bombarded by

parents who think that the content is too risqué for a family newspaper. Parents

are upset by the questions that their children ask after reading the paper and

the conversations they then have to have.

This week, I would like to reassure parents that they are the biggest influence

in their children's lives, until they [the parents] decide not to be. When your

children ask you questions, it is because they believe they can trust you and

all you have to do is maintain that trust. Also if your kids can read the Star

and parse the information, then they are old enough and smart enough for you to

have whatever conversation they bring up.

A weekend walk through malls or estates will expose you to teenagers with lots

of idle time on their hands, smart phones and/or internet access which is only

Sh1 a minute. Our parents may have gotten away with being lazy when we wanted

to have the sex conversation but we do not. Swahili tells us `asiyefunzwa na

mamake hufunzwa na ulimwengu'… please do not let the world teach your child

about sex? Begin the conversation and set the tone. The world has a lot to say

on the subject and as a parent you can establish the attitude with which your

kids approach their sex lives.

Eddie Grey, is a musician in his 30s and he says his mum told him that sex is

matrimonial and not some casual thing to be had with everyone. `my father said

nothing and my mum was cautionary, I understood that it was a taboo subject not

to be discussed. TV and my peers were my teachers. I also learnt some things

from this Raphael Tuju video that they made us watch in high school. " I thought

kids came from the supermarket… that they were a gift from giant supermarkets'

Priya Chana, CEO of PC Communications

`My parents didn't really talk about sex as I was growing up. I had my first

kiss at 12 and my mum said something along the lines of `keep it there,

everything else is downhill' and I understood that she meant kissing was the

best part of sex. My father said nothing until I was 22 then he said `I

understand that you want to have boyfriends but I would really appreciate it if

you didn't ` I think his big fear was pregnancy. I was very good at biology so I

pretty much thought I knew everything and didn't ask questions' `I thought

babies come from mummy's tummy and never asked if I was right or not.'

Caroline Mbindyo, 39 and the co-founder of BizBaz events which hosts Bizarre

Bazaar; and a mother of 3 kids who are 17, 12 and 11.

`My mother did not have much to say but she got my sisters and I a lot of

reading material so we understood our bodies. When we got our periods, we would

get a `welcome to womanhood gift. My father on the other hand was researching

something to do with AIDS and HIV so he was scared and decided to be really

candid. He told us about masturbation and abstinence and in our late teens, he

even discussed birth control with us. He did not want us to get pregnant or

sick.'

`Now as a mother it is up to me to have the sex conversation and I just want my

kids to understand that sex feels great but they are young and there are other

things they can be doing now. When they were younger we talked about good touch

and bad touch, and I told them how to tell people to stop touching them and

scream if they have to. It is tricky, they have to believe that you as a parent

will always be on their side. With my 17 year old daughter I am keeping channels

open so she can tell me everything. I told her that if and when she wants

contraception she can tell me and we will go get it. With my boys, we watched a

pregnancy video the other day and had a very interesting conversation. They were

fascinated.

I am a single mother and I am going out on dates so there have been some

surprises with my kids wanting to know what that means. One of them asked me

about booty calls the other day I was almost traumatized but this stuff is all

over the media so I just answered as candidly as possible. I am not a saint or a

nun, and I think they should benefit from my life lessons and experiences so I

tell them as much as I can get away with while remembering that they are not my

`buddies at the bar'. I refuse to sneak around my house like a 16 year old

hiding from a strict father. If I have a date I tell them. When I want them to

meet a boyfriend, they do.'

Ochieng', 30 year old Producer at Capital FM

Asked about the sex conversation, laughs out loud at the ludicrousness

of talking about sex in his household. `my father died when I was two, then at

some point in my childhood I asked my mum where babies come from and she said

`we are not talking about sex or babies in this house until you are old enough.

I am still waiting to be `old enough'. Jokes aside though my mum died a few

years ago and I wish I had asked her, just to get to know her better. Everything

I learnt about sex, I learned in school. My mum was so strict even watching

`Bold & the Beautiful' was a crime. So I got misinformed by my peers, some

biology in class then I had sex when I was 18 and it was awful. I was very

embarrassed; the whole thing was very, very awkward. Then I watched porn as an

adult and got the hang of it.'

Kihoro, 25 year old actress and News Anchor at One FM

`My parents said nothing about sex. When I got my period my mother said `now you

cannot look boys in the eye or you will get pregnant'. I thought I knew

everything even though nobody taught me much. When my mum was pregnant with my

younger brother I noticed she was eating a lot so I concluded that he was made

of peas and rice…. that when mummy wants a baby she eats a lot and gets one.

When I was about 21 my dad old my brother and I to use condoms if we decide to

have sex and that's it, I think the sex conversation is over.'

Here are some questions that your children may have at different stages in their

development and how to answer them, according to www.plannedparenthood.org

Nursery School Kids:

Where do babies come from? How do they get into mummy's stomach?

Questions about body parts e.g.: Why do you have breasts and daddy doesn't?

Make your answers as scientific as possible at this point. You want to

establish yourself as an expert with your kids, and not shy away from the topic

so they trust you and they come to you again.

Primary School kids:

What is AIDS?

Do boys have periods?

What does `gay' mean?

Again be as factual as possible. Your children now have more interaction with

the outside world so ask follow up questions to understand what pre-empted their

questions. This will help you to answer the real question behind their question.

Teens:

Is it true that a girl cannot get pregnant the first time she has sex?

Should people have sex when they are in love?

Does it hurt to lose your virginity?

Will having sex make a boy like me?

Is it ok to touch myself?

At this point your child is beginning to have feelings about their bodies, how

attractive they are, crushes on the opposite sex and all manner of other issues.

They maybe kissing their peers, experimenting with touch or even having sex.

Their issues are adult in nature but their experience is that of a child so your

availability for consultation is mandatory. Also, just like us adults, want to

know that they are normal. If you can delve into your own experiences and life

lessons, your children will find you more accessible. The more fun activities

you have with your children, the more they are likely to talk so ask them what

they want to do and make time for it.

Source:

http://www.the-star.co.ke/weekend/sasa/50002-talking-openly-about-sex-telling-it\

-to-children-as-it-is-