Re: Let's Talk About Teenage Siblings

[Guest guest]

Growing up is harder for some than for others. Outright rude or mean behavior

is never acceptable and probably shouldn't be tolerated, so, I think it is

legitimate to ask your 15 year to meet the minimal requirement between family

members who must live together; to be respectful. Beyond that, aside from

modeling strategies to keep Neal on task and to minimize some of the more

challenging or annoying behaviors, I don't think there is much you can or should

do right now.

Your 15 year old is entitled to his opinion and to his feelings and they should

be validated when it seems appropriate without belittling Neal. Maybe you can

enlist the help of the other sib to model good sib relationship skills.

I am betting there are other members of IPADDU who have had or are having

similar experiences and could share their strategies.

Ellen

Ellen Garber Bronfeld

egskb@...

Let's Talk About Teenage Siblings

Hi all,

Give me your collective wisdom here. My son Neal is 23 and has PDD. I have 2

other sons. One is 19 and has come to grips with Neal's disability pretty well.

The other is 15, and has not.

I think some of it is the larger age difference. With nearly 8 years between

them, the 15 year old cannot really remember the fun they sometimes had when he

was little. All he sees is that Neal is always around, repeating the same tired

topics, trying to get a rise out of him by recalling funny baby stories or

long-ago tales of when he got into trouble.

The 15 year old is getting crabby and outright rude in what he says to Neal..

Dad and I have repeatedly told him that

1--I am willing to listen to his frustrations

2--All siblings can be aggravating

3--Most of what irritates him about Neal is due to the disability

4--He is taking this personally when it is not meant that way

5--Being sarcastic with Neal does not work at all

All this parental wisdom goes in one ear and out the other. He has a great

relationship with the 19 year old, so he doesn't quite believe that all siblings

are very aggravating. He takes lots of things personally, anyway.

Last evening, I chatted with him for as long as he could stand it (not long!),

and offered him options to understand the disability better: movies, books,

talking to people, sibling support. He was absolutely uninterested.

I should say that he's equally uninterested in learning more about his own

asthma and is resisting taking his daily meds, so he is apparently in a big

denial phase of life.

So what do you do when a teen is rude and snotty to a disabled sibling, and

resistant to learning anything helpful? He already sees a good counselor

monthly, mostly to work on sibling issues. He knows better than to think that

Neal will change.

-Gail

[Guest guest]

Hi Gail- Ellen has some great advise. It is always a good strategy to validate

your child's feelings.  Being a teen is hard, but then having a sib with a

disabilities throws in a whole new set of issues.  It can be different for boys

as obviously talking about their feels are not top priority.  I am a sibling and

also run sibshops.  In my experience it has benefited kids greatly by meeting

other sibs who are in the same boat. While it may be hard to get him to go to a

sibshop i think it would help.  IL Masonic  has teen ones and they have a lot of

fun.  They do typical " teen " stuff. I have had many kids come to my groups who

did not want to be there or they did not even know what they were going to, but

by the time we were done they could not wait to come back.  He wont know unless

he tries and remember it is scary to go to something new and to meet a bunch of

people you don't know, but he will have something in common with the rest of the

kids.  Let me know if you want to talk further. tara@...

 

Tara Kosieniak

www.sibsnetwork.org

AdultSibsNet/

 

I GoodSearch for SIBS (Supporting Illinois Brothers and Sisters)

Help me raise money for SIBS just by searching the Internet

with GoodSearch - www.goodsearch.com - powered by Or go to 

www.GoodShop.com  when shopping on line.

 

Another way to help is by igive.com  http://www.iGive.com/SIBS

AND

http://www.iSearchiGive.com/SIBS

From: ELLEN BRONFELD <egskb@...>

Subject: Re: Let's Talk About Teenage Siblings

IPADDUnite

Date: Saturday, January 10, 2009, 5:14 PM

Growing up is harder for some than for others. Outright rude or mean behavior is

never acceptable and probably shouldn't be tolerated, so, I think it is

legitimate to ask your 15 year to meet the minimal requirement between family

members who must live together; to be respectful. Beyond that, aside from

modeling strategies to keep Neal on task and to minimize some of the more

challenging or annoying behaviors, I don't think there is much you can or should

do right now.

Your 15 year old is entitled to his opinion and to his feelings and they should

be validated when it seems appropriate without belittling Neal. Maybe you can

enlist the help of the other sib to model good sib relationship skills.

I am betting there are other members of IPADDU who have had or are having

similar experiences and could share their strategies.

Ellen

Ellen Garber Bronfeld

egskbsbcglobal (DOT) net

Let's Talk About Teenage Siblings

Hi all,

Give me your collective wisdom here. My son Neal is 23 and has PDD. I have 2

other sons. One is 19 and has come to grips with Neal's disability pretty well.

The other is 15, and has not.

I think some of it is the larger age difference. With nearly 8 years between

them, the 15 year old cannot really remember the fun they sometimes had when he

was little. All he sees is that Neal is always around, repeating the same tired

topics, trying to get a rise out of him by recalling funny baby stories or

long-ago tales of when he got into trouble.

The 15 year old is getting crabby and outright rude in what he says to Neal..

Dad and I have repeatedly told him that

1--I am willing to listen to his frustrations

2--All siblings can be aggravating

3--Most of what irritates him about Neal is due to the disability

4--He is taking this personally when it is not meant that way

5--Being sarcastic with Neal does not work at all

All this parental wisdom goes in one ear and out the other. He has a great

relationship with the 19 year old, so he doesn't quite believe that all siblings

are very aggravating. He takes lots of things personally, anyway.

Last evening, I chatted with him for as long as he could stand it (not long!),

and offered him options to understand the disability better: movies, books,

talking to people, sibling support. He was absolutely uninterested.

I should say that he's equally uninterested in learning more about his own

asthma and is resisting taking his daily meds, so he is apparently in a big

denial phase of life.

So what do you do when a teen is rude and snotty to a disabled sibling, and

resistant to learning anything helpful? He already sees a good counselor

monthly, mostly to work on sibling issues. He knows better than to think that

Neal will change.

-Gail

[Guest guest]

Gail, I have three sons as well. Russ, who has ASD, is almost 29,

Greg is 26 and Ben is 24. They are a little closer in ages than your

three, but are similar. All three are at home--Russ because--well,

let's not go there, Greg because he will start another grad school

program next fall and is working and Ben because I have a Steinway

(and he doesn't!)and he is finishing his MM in piano performance. We

get a little wiff of this kind of behavior as well sometimes still,

sorry to say, since everyone is home.

Anyway, I did have three teenagers at once and did earn my stripes.

Both Greg and Ben went through what your guy is going through--why

can't Russ be normal? Why can't he leave my stuff alone? Why do we

have to adapt for him, why can't he just adapt for us? Why can't we

be like other families? Etc. etc. etc. Russ is lower functioning

(uses American Sign Language because he is not able to speak)so there

were some other issues we had to deal with as well.

They are rude because they are teenagers--and I always called them on

it. I always said something like, " if you can figure out how to fix

this (whatever Russ was doing), you'll get the Nobel Prize, but you'll

have to give me half the money " ----sarcasum worked with them, but not

with Russ.

They are frustrated but not to the extent we are, let's face it. And

this behavior doesn't help your frustration level. I do have to tell

you he will probably grow out of this and come to gripes with his

brother's disability. Keep doing what your doing. And remember,

" grandchildren are nature's reward for not killing your teenagers " !

I hope this is a little helpful, or at least made you laugh.

Marie

>

> Hi all,

>

> Give me your collective wisdom here.  My son Neal is 23 and has

PDD.  I have 2 other sons.  One is 19 and has come to grips with

Neal's disability pretty well.  The other is 15, and has not.

>

> I think some of it is the larger age difference.  With nearly 8

years between them, the 15 year old cannot really remember the fun

they sometimes had when he was little.  All he sees is that Neal is

always around, repeating the same tired topics, trying to get a rise

out of him by recalling funny baby stories or long-ago tales of when

he got into trouble.

>

> The 15 year old is getting crabby and outright rude in what he says

to Neal..  Dad and I have repeatedly told him that

>

> 1--I am willing to listen to his frustrations

> 2--All siblings can be aggravating

> 3--Most of what irritates him about Neal is due to the disability

> 4--He is taking this personally when it is not meant that way

> 5--Being sarcastic with Neal does not work at all

>

> All this parental wisdom goes in one ear and out the other.  He has

a great relationship with the 19 year old, so he doesn't quite believe

that all siblings are very aggravating.  He takes lots of things

personally, anyway.

>

> Last evening, I chatted with him for as long as he could stand it

(not long!), and offered him options to understand the disability

better:  movies, books, talking to people, sibling support.  He was

absolutely uninterested. 

>

> I should say that he's equally uninterested in learning more about

his own asthma and is resisting taking his daily meds, so he is

apparently in a big denial phase of life.

>

> So what do you do when a teen is rude and snotty to a disabled

sibling, and resistant to learning anything helpful?  He already sees

a good counselor monthly, mostly to work on sibling issues.  He knows

better than to think that Neal will change.

>

> -Gail

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My soon to be 15 yr. old daughter participates in the Teen SibShop at

Illinois Masonic Medical Center that Tara told you about. She always

enjoys going and participating in activities in-house or around town.

The teens get to express their feelings and see that there are others

dealing with similar situations. Also, they get to be AWAY from the

offenders (just kiddin).

Sherelle

>

> Hi all,

>

> Give me your collective wisdom here.  My son Neal is 23 and has

PDD.  I have 2 other sons.  One is 19 and has come to grips with

Neal's disability pretty well.  The other is 15, and has not.

>

> I think some of it is the larger age difference.  With nearly 8

years between them, the 15 year old cannot really remember the fun

they sometimes had when he was little.  All he sees is that Neal is

always around, repeating the same tired topics, trying to get a rise

out of him by recalling funny baby stories or long-ago tales of when

he got into trouble.

>

> The 15 year old is getting crabby and outright rude in what he says

to Neal..  Dad and I have repeatedly told him that

>

> 1--I am willing to listen to his frustrations

> 2--All siblings can be aggravating

> 3--Most of what irritates him about Neal is due to the disability

> 4--He is taking this personally when it is not meant that way

> 5--Being sarcastic with Neal does not work at all

>

> All this parental wisdom goes in one ear and out the other.  He has

a great relationship with the 19 year old, so he doesn't quite believe

that all siblings are very aggravating.  He takes lots of things

personally, anyway.

>

> Last evening, I chatted with him for as long as he could stand it

(not long!), and offered him options to understand the disability

better:  movies, books, talking to people, sibling support.  He was

absolutely uninterested. 

>

> I should say that he's equally uninterested in learning more about

his own asthma and is resisting taking his daily meds, so he is

apparently in a big denial phase of life.

>

> So what do you do when a teen is rude and snotty to a disabled

sibling, and resistant to learning anything helpful?  He already sees

a good counselor monthly, mostly to work on sibling issues.  He knows

better than to think that Neal will change.

>

> -Gail

>

>

>

>

>

>