Tongue in cheek, foot in mouth (unsolicited bulletin to Lori)

[Guest guest]

Of course you're right, Loriann. I just had trouble picturing this

particular woman with run-of-the-mill osteoarthritis of the type

that hit my parents in their fifties (and me in my thirties!)-- or

with a seventy-eight birthday coming up, or whatever. Pure prejudice

on my part -- I thought she sounded very young, and very robust and

fun-loving, and, as I wrote, I was initially so judgmental as to

dismiss this whole spa-party idea as something for valley girls in

their teens, spending a summer away from their devoted hearthrobs

and desperately seeking any alternative to that boring old summer-

school homework . . . My, oh, my, how quickly one can find oneself

morphing into a whiney, judgmental old crone -- reading some

harmless online tidbit and assuming from its ebullient, excited

style that any lass so taken with superficial grooming rites must be

(1) very healthy except for (2) brain cell atrophy secondary to

chronic inhalation of nail polish remover, hydrogen peroxide,

aerosal hair spray, etc, and must also be (3)a Paris/ clone

and hybrid . . .

No, no, NO, Lori, I SO do not like the tone this letter is taking!!

I am becoming b-a-a-a-a-a-a-d. If not wholly evil and wicked.In

fact, if I did not suspect I am old enough to be this spa-hostess's

grandma, I would darn near mistake myself for some fair-haired, mean-

mouthed sophomoric quasi-delinquent!- some smartass, junior-hunk

advert for designer mousse and $350 running shoes, wasting his best

years in the mall charging grubby getups with holes in them at

Abercrombie's. . . a 21st century wastrel; a nihilistic vagabond,

nine-tenths tattoos, half-deaf from his audio system and 3/4 blind

from chronic textmessaging -- a 'dude with 'tude; the new

millenium's counterpart to the far more intelligent and sensible

Rebel without A Cause; a veritable human-bot hybrid raised on Grand

Theft Auto and Quiznos subs, as befits any inhabitant of the

deepest, darkest sub-burbs. . . Shudder.) No, I do not like this

image of myself one little bit . . . I'd better return post haste to

my senses!

So, can ya tell I am in a somewhat flippant and oddball mood today?.

For some reason I have been up for two nights straight, at last

completing a birthday gift I have been handcrafting for my brother

Bill since mid-July.(His birthday was August 4th. Must be the " ADD "

again. Or maybe, besides acknowledging that I am no artist, I must

concede that I may quite possibly be a klutz.)

So anyway, either I am just very punchy and silly from lack of

aleep, or else I am rapidly succumbing to presenile dementia.

(Scoliosis seems to have put me on the fast track to full-fledged

osteoporosis, the previously mentioned arthritis, and several other

interesting premature conditions, so why not rapid atrophy of the

cerebrum?)

But seriously, Lori, let's plan that spa party for sure! Everyone in

this group is cordially invited to my future in-home spa for the one-

year anniversary of Lori's upcoming revision surgery (assuming her

dear spouse is finally through with his own spinal ordeal). Bring

all your cool manicure aids and Botox salesmen and organic

conditioners and like that. We'll have a blast!

But REALLY seriuosly, Lori, I actually started this post with the

idea of simply telling you how tired I am and how my eyes are

crossing as I gaze at my monitor, and how -- yes, the punchline is

almost in sight at last! -- I almost misread your letter. You may

not think what I thought it said was anywhere near as funny as I

did, but I dunno, just in case this might at least help you to crack

a smile, here goes:

" loriann262000 " <lcmelko@...> wrote, or at least was temporarily

thought by to have written

>

> " Hi ,

>

>> I've pretty much given up on being able to put socks on without my

> handy dandy " sock aid " . Have you considered using such a device on

> your bad days? I'm fortunate to have my husband to cut my

toenails,

> but I doubt he'd be willing to cut yours . . . . "

(Especially long-distance from Rochester to Chicago!)

Yes, I have been known to resort to my sock-device on bad days, but

the toenails still somewhat elude me. I finally managed to excise a

truly gross and tenacious nail that was clinging to the pinky on my

right foot like some kind of mini-carbuncle or something. I mean

that sucker was krazyglued and wedded for life to that little toe --

for WEEKS, or so it seemed. When at last I resolved to defeat this

tenacious nail, I had one foot propped on my bed and my torso in

contortions, and I was switching between the clippers and the

decoupage scissors and even my bare fingernails, for heaven's sake,

and the expletives escaping my demure and bashful lips would

definitely have put a stevedore to shame. But finally, FINALLY, I

managed to separate that nail from its toe, or at least to whittle

it down to a respectable length. Whereupon I sacked out for a half-

hour nap to recuperate from the whole experience. I will never again

wait till my little toe has a little projectile claw and is snagging

my socks at regular intervals before repeating thd dread gymnastic

ritual. I am a reformed woman and may yet return to civilization as

I once knew it!

Let me just throw out a question here, though. I don't mean to be a

rabble-rouser or malcontent or what have you, but I've been

thinking: Why SHOULDN'T our spouses or partners paint our nails now

and then? That might be a very nice thing to do for your beloved,

say, a couple weeks post-op.

Besides, in some couples I've heard of, it works both ways. Long ago

and far away, in the exotic land from which I have been exiled lo

these long years --the Land of the Regular Paycheck --I had one

addictive vice. I was wont to sneak off to a salon called " Bliss "

now and then for something called a " spa pedicure. " Boy, was that a

soothing experience!

The expert who did this for me was a charming Mexican woman, married

to a Puerto Rican radio commentator. Since my own husband was Puerto

Rican/Dominican, I assumed the macho ethic might still have some

currency in a Hispnic family similar to mine -- that is, I would not

have thought 's work life and home life would have had all

that much in common. But in fact, while massaging my feet to

soothing music, my pedicurist revealed that her esposo loved nothing

better than to place himself in her hands for a series of similar

and even grander spa treatments -- everything from long, sensuous

manicures and pedicures to 's special cucumber facials.

Make mine Ayurvedic, with caffeine,

> loriann

>

>

> >

> > " This sounded so wonderful that I decided to send it to my two

best

> > girlfriends! I hope we can hook up and do this. The other

advantage

> > to doing a " spa party " is that while one is in the bath

relaxing,

> > the others can take turns giving each other facials or massages

or

> > painting toenails (cuz I can't reach my own ). "

> >

> > So, what do you think? Is this woman One of Us? Or are there

> > actually some normal, unfused people with the same problem???

> >

> >

> >

>