Re: Re:How to handle depression?

[Guest guest]

Dominie, Thank you for sharing your story with me- and the others that have done the same. It is much appreciated.Dominie Bush <dombush@...> wrote: This sounds sadly familiar. Yes, I was in the same situation - married nearly 18 years. My husband was verbally, mentally, emotionally and occasionally physically abusive, moreso after I got fibro. He would go off with his secretary on business trips. They were very close and always acted like they had secrets between them. He often mocked, belittled and ridiculed me because of my fibro. I was called stupid, idiot, the B word, etc. Back then fibro was considered almost like hypochondria (all in your head). As a last gasp, we went to 18 months of marriage counseling. It did no good, because basically he wanted out of the marriage. A lot of ugly things went on during this time. He finally told me he was filing for divorce because he wanted to meet other women. I was 40 and totally devastated! I thought my life was over! That was 16 years ago. I am remarried and life did go on. The stress from your marital situation is not good for your fibro - my unrelenting home stress contributed greatly to my developing FMS in the first place! The ongoing abuse and stress made it much, much worse. Looking back, I think I should have left him, but I had nowhere to go, no money and I fully believed in the sanctity and permanency of marriage (I even wrote a marriage booklet at http://www.fms-help.com/marriage.htm ) Unfortunately, the reality is that you can't change the other person. I wish I had better answers for you. Just know that many fellow fibromites are going through situations like this. Here's something to think about - if you were perfectly healthy, would these things be going on in your marriage anyway? Many healthy women have unfaithful husbands! There's a book called "HEDGES" by Jerry about keeping your marriage safe from infidelity by not putting yourself in compromising situations with the opposite sex. Sadly, it seems only the faithful partners like this book! My ex hated it

when I even mentioned it to him. If you have confronted your husband about what is going on, talked with him, pleaded, reasoned, etc. and it still continues, then maybe you should just say "You do what you have to do, but I'll do what I have to do." That may mean separating until he is ready to be faithful and be a real husband to you - and that means opening his heart and mind to learn about this mysterious illness that causes you such distress and misery, and also no hanky-panky with co-workers. Sadly, not all fibromites have understanding spouses. Many men are not compassionate by nature. That's why this message board and others are so needed and helpful. Few people understand fibro if they don't have it. Also, I think men have

a harder time living with chronically ill wives than if the situation were reversed, because we women are more nurturing in general. I have noticed that the spouses of MEN with fibro have some of the same issues of feeling disappointed in their marriages because of ongoing health problems, but not as much as the men do. See my page at http://www.fms-help.com/relationships.htm Beth Moorman

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[Guest guest]

my ex-husband was devasted by the fibro diagnose and had a much harder time with it then i.. it wasn't that he didn't believe, but was upset that there was nothing he could do for me... extra strain was added by the fact i'm no longer the same person and couldn't do what i once did... i don't regret getting the divorce though i was bitterly depressed about it.. i was told that divorce is similar to a death and the grieving process can be just as instense.. i believe going through the divorce and forcing myself into independence and caring for a brother (who was finishing high school) was part of what made me able to "conquer" fibro rather then fibro controlling me... it's a bitter battle, but a battle that you can discover yourself and new strength blessed be lizDominie Bush <dombush@...> wrote: This sounds sadly familiar. Yes, I was in the same situation - married nearly 18 years. My husband was verbally, mentally, emotionally and occasionally physically abusive, moreso after I got fibro. He would go off with his secretary on business trips. They were very close and always acted like they had secrets between them. He often mocked, belittled and ridiculed me because of my fibro. I was called stupid, idiot, the B word, etc. Back then fibro was considered almost like hypochondria (all in your head). As a last gasp, we went to 18 months of marriage counseling. It did no good, because basically he wanted out of the marriage. A lot of ugly things went on during this time. He finally told me he was filing for divorce because he wanted to meet other women. I was 40 and totally devastated! I thought my life was over! That was 16 years ago. I am remarried and life did go on. The stress from your marital situation is not good for your fibro - my unrelenting home stress contributed greatly to my developing FMS in the first place! The ongoing abuse and stress made it much, much worse. Looking back, I think I should have left him, but I had nowhere to go, no money and I fully believed in the sanctity and permanency of marriage (I even wrote a marriage booklet at http://www.fms-help.com/marriage.htm ) Unfortunately, the reality is that you can't change the other person. I wish I had better answers for you. Just know that many fellow fibromites are going through situations like this. Here's something to think about - if you were perfectly healthy, would these things be going on in your marriage anyway? Many healthy women have unfaithful husbands! There's a book called "HEDGES" by Jerry about keeping your marriage safe from infidelity by not putting yourself in compromising situations with the opposite sex. Sadly, it seems only the faithful partners like this book! My ex hated it when I even mentioned it to him. If you have confronted your husband about what is going on, talked with him, pleaded, reasoned, etc. and it still continues, then maybe you should just say "You do what you have to do, but I'll do what I have to do." That may mean separating until he is ready to be faithful and be a real husband to you - and that means opening his heart and mind to learn about this mysterious illness that causes you such distress and misery, and also no hanky-panky with co-workers. Sadly, not all fibromites have understanding spouses. Many men are not compassionate by nature. That's why this message board and others are so needed and helpful. Few people understand fibro if they don't have it. Also, I think men have a harder time living with chronically ill wives than if the situation were reversed, because we women are more nurturing

in general. I have noticed that the spouses of MEN with fibro have some of the same issues of feeling disappointed in their marriages because of ongoing health problems, but not as much as the men do. See my page at http://www.fms-help.com/relationships.htm

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