Guest guest Posted January 9, 2008 Report Share Posted January 9, 2008 LOVE IT!! I don't know about the rest of you, but I've found three things that truly improve my disposition and quality of life ~ prayer (which we frequently share here), laughter (which we need to share more frequently) and doing something for someone else (that's what RISG is all about! Thanks, Rick, for starting it!!). And thanks, Dave+, for sharing those wonderful medical funnies with us. You long-timers know I've worked 23 years in <gasp...dare I say it?> a lawyers' office <snicker>. Therefore, I'd like to share some " legalese " humor with you. Please note, these are funnies about situations, not lawyers themselves -- after all, I'm still trying to keep a job! <LOL> Blessed be! (NC) Attorney: Can you describe the individual? Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard. Attorney: Was this a male or a female? ********************************* Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of impact? Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ********************************* Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? Witness: He said, " Where am I Cheryl? " Attorney: And why did that upset you? Witness: My name is Kathy. ********************************* Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer. The Court: And why is that? Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case. The Court (addressing the public defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion? Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening. ********************************* Attorney: Have you ever heard of Sigmund Freud? Juror: Yes. Attorney: What have you heard? Juror: He's in Las Vegas. The Court: I think you're thinking of Siegfried & Roy, aren't you? Juror: That's what I'm doing. Attorney: This guy was a little older than that. ********************************* Attorney: Sir, what is your IQ? Witness: Well, I think I can see pretty good. ********************************* Attorney: Did you blow your horn or anything? Witness: After the accident? Attorney: Before the accident. Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. ********************************* Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood. ********************************* Attorney: What is your date of birth sir. Witness: July 17th. Attorney: What year? Witness: Every year. ********************************* Attorney: And where did he give you those injections? Witness: In his office. Attorney: And that's exactly correct. Indeed he did. What part of your -- Witness: -- I'm sorry. Attorney: No, no, you're right. What part of your body did he inject? ********************************* Attorney: Does Quicken have -- strike that. Did the Quicken program that you acquired have a capacity to generate a financial statement? Witness: Yes. Attorney: Was Quicken a -- was the Quicken program that you -- when did you -- I'm sorry. Let me start over. When was the Quicken program first acquired? Witness: January 1st of 1992. Attorney: I don't know what I'd do if I weren't so articulate. It's been the key to my success so far. ********************************* Attorney: Your foster son, Corey, who cooks for him? Witness: Oh, I do. Attorney: How often do you cook for him? Witness: We have probably one good meal a week. Attorney: Well, no commentary on your cooking, but how many " bad " meals do you have? ********************************* Defendant's Attorney: And did the plaintiff tell you why she's feeling confident about going to trial in this case? Witness: She says God's on her side. Defendant's Attorney: Any other reason other than that God's on her side? Witness: She's telling the truth. Plaintiff's Attorney: -- And she's represented by me. Defendant's Attorney: Oh, that's true -- I forgot that one. Well, that was self-evident. ********************************* Attorney: So, you are unconscious, and they pulled you from the bucket. What happened then? Witness: Mr. gave me artificial insemination -- you know, mouth-to-mouth. ********************************* Attorney: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? Witness: No -- I said he was shot in the lumbar region. ********************************* Attorney: Are you married? Witness: No. I'm divorced. Attorney: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? Witness: A lot of things I didn't know about. ********************************* Attorney: What is your name? Witness: [states name] Attorney: And what is your marital status? Witness: Fair. ********************************* I hope you got a smile! -------------------------------------------------------- Notice: To comply with certain U.S. Treasury regulations, we inform you that, unless expressly stated otherwise, any U.S. federal tax advice contained in this e-mail, including attachments, is not intended or written to be used, and cannot be used, by any person for the purpose of avoiding any penalties that may be imposed by the Internal Revenue Service. " -------------------------------------------------------- Notice: This communication, including attachments, may contain information that is confidential and protected by the attorney/client or other privileges. It constitutes non-public information intended to be conveyed only to the designated recipient(s). If the reader or recipient of this communication is not the intended recipient, an employee or agent of the intended recipient who is responsible for delivering it to the intended recipient, or you believe that you have received this communication in error, please notify the sender immediately by return e-mail and promptly delete this e-mail, including attachments without reading or saving them in any manner. The unauthorized use, dissemination, distribution, or reproduction of this e-mail, including attachments, is prohibited and may be unlawful. Receipt by anyone other than the intended recipient(s) is not a waiver of any attorney/client or other privilege.. -------------------------------------------------------- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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