Anger Management

[Guest guest]

Joni,

Tom was labelled as having major anger issues. This label caused

him more grief than anything else. I spent many wasted hours

describing how OCD can make anyone feel trapped when they could not

fulfill their compulsions, but people would dismiss me as a naive.

Tom always scored low on the anger scales given over the years, btw.

He was asked to leave school the second week of grade 10 since they

couldnt provide for his 'needs' - and refused to organize a tutor as

he didnt fit the profile. grrrrrr

We bought him a punching bag, btw. Everyone used it at one time or

another. If they didnt need it, they didnt use it! The group home did

not support its use, but never really provided the kids with adequate

alternatives to release their pent up energy.

Today tom may get excited, but he is very rarely angry. He has not

acted out violently in quite some time. He does understand that the

reactions are caused by stress and that it is up to him to deal with

it. He has learned to remove himself from anxiety provoking

situations where anger may result.

So, if tom can turn around from a kid who's been jailed for his

aggression to being in control - so can !

take care, wendy, in canada

_______________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Hi joni! This is going to be long!

Tom learned this the worst and most challenging way possible -

through trial and error. Tom's aggression became a factor in his

behaviour when he was 12. At that point we tried the punching bag,

sports, more activities, etc. but none worked. The reason being that

his aggression was linked to compulsions so the distractions had no

effect, except maybe to lesson the time available to do them.

By 13 we were calling in the police, on the advice of the p-doc, to

help calm him down. What we didnt know, or should I say appreciate,

is that restraining tom was the worst thing we could do! Being

touched was one of tom's worst triggers for a meltdown. By 15 we

could no longer cope with his controlling behaviours. We were all

exhausted, my mother had just died (only unconditional support

person) and we just couldnt do it anymore. We warned tom that the

next time he touched anyone of us, he would be placed in care. He

didnt take us seriously - too bad - because he was in care for a

year! During that time, I learned everything possible on ocd and

treatment for/of ocd.

About the group home giving him a " wake up call " - the first one

charged him with assault (twice) on staff. They very clearly

antagonized him - but he was charged. The second group home charged

him once. All this resulted in several 1-night, a couple of 2 night

stays in the cells and 5 days in the real jail. After this last

" lesson " tom wouldnt comply so they took him to the Salvation Army

shelter and told him he could return when he would follow the rules.

WE - brought him home and told them that their acts were criminal

against a person with mental health challenges.... but that's another

story!

Once tom came home, we set strict guidelines and established a

'safe' home at my uncles. Only once (during the first few weeks) did

we have him transported by the police to the safe home. After that,

I worked at reminding tom WHO is in charge; WHO controls whom? that

kind of stuff. He sometimes needs a cue, like a warning that his

speach is loud, fast and vulgar, which he knows means that he's

excited and possibly anxious. Tom has learned that when these signs

are obvious, its time for a break from the family - a walk, time in

his room, a visit with the elderly neighbours or perhaps a night away

from home.

It is important to role model anger management and unified

parenting. Parents must never play one against the other or alter an

arangement the other has organized. Showing tom that his parents are

a team, and that we discuss and make discisions based on our

experiences is something he needed to learn. We learned to role model

things like saying: " I'm tired and cranky, I can't talk to you now.

How about.... " or " I'm feeling very frustrated right now, give me

some time alone and then we can talk. " As tom became more aware of

his influence on us, sometimes pointed out, he began to realize the

long and short term effects of behaviour. Tom is still careful around

his father, but they are developing a relationship for the first time

in about 12 years.

Tom could not participate in martial arts when his ocd was severe

since there were too many distracting thoughts for him to

concentrate. Its like meditation, some can do it, others can't. My

suggestion for is to practice noticing the signs when he feels

himself getting aggression - and in others. Working on observation

skills is always a good tool to have. Perhaps could keep an

anger diary and record what made him angry, how he knew it, what did

he do and what he could do to have a better outcome - or why what he

did was right.

keep up the good work, joni. wendy in canada

(proud mom of a very happy teenager who makes my heart sing with all

the success he has achieved over this summer!)

================================================

Thank you for this great post. You mentioned " He does understand

that the reactions are caused by stress and that it is up to him to

deal with it. He has learned to remove himself from anxiety provoking

situations where anger may result. "

How did he learn this ? Did the group home give him a 'Wake Up

Call?' I hope it doesn't come to that with , but he really

needs to work through his anger instead of venting it

inappropriately. Since Football is another one of those things that

OCD stole from (too much contact for his ocd contamination

stuff - and I'm NOT upset about it), but I'm thinking maybe Martial

Arts of some kind would help him learn SELF CONTROL (in addition to

working with his therapist). Thanks again for this wonderful reply.

Joni

_______________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 8/27/01 2:35:28 PM Eastern Daylight Time, birkhanw@... writes:

My

suggestion for is to practice noticing the signs when he feels

himself getting aggression - and in others. Working on observation

skills is always a good tool to have. Perhaps could keep an

anger diary and record what made him angry, how he knew it, what did

he do and what he could do to have a better outcome - or why what he

did was right.

keep up the good work, joni. wendy in canada

(proud mom of a very happy teenager who makes my heart sing with all

the success he has achieved over this summer!)

Awww, what a GREAT success story, !!! It brings tears to my eyes to see how far Tom has come!!

To be honest with you, I've considered calling the police on (only 10) due to his anger - but he's so young. It worked for his older brother (, 18 ADHD+mild ocd) when he was 16.5 --and he slapped me across the face and got very rough with me (over the keys to the car!!) Nate was strongly reprimanded by a Big Bad Judge who thought hitting women, especially your own mother was downright APPALLING!!! He slapped the handcuffs on after court, processed him and put him in a holding area (while got to see what juvenile jail would be like) and later, had to do 25 hrs. community service (picking up trash in parks, etc) It was his FIRST and ONLY offense. The judge said if he saw him in his court room again, he'd order anger mgt. classes AND a little lock-up time!! This approach worked for , who has NEVER touched me since then. It was 's 'wake up call.' Tom's experience seems so severe compared to 's-- I'm so sorry he had to go through all of that!!! Don't be too hard on yourself -- you did your best with what you knew at the time! (((hugs to both of you!!))) I know how it breaks your heart when your very own child is out of control.

But, .... well....I didn't want to mention this here on the list, but a couple of weeks ago, he got *so* angry at me when I mentioned the word "POOL" (as in, 'lets go to the pool') that he threw a VERY SHARP object at me --- landing me in the emergency room!!! (and yes, I got a tetanus shot!! yipee-- MORE pain!). I've been on the mend since then-- it was a pretty serious wound to my leg and I'm very lucky. I guess is so terrified of the chlorine in the water that when I said 'pool' - it triggered his anxiety/contamination fears. The thing that upset me the most about this incident is that his level of REMORSE was so great afterwards and he felt sooooo bad, I was beginning to wonder just who is the VICTIM here???? It was a VERY familiar *yukky* feeling that bothered me.... like the way my alcoholic dad used to abuse us, and WE were made to feel like the 'bad guys' for triggering his anger!!!! grrrrrr It's very troubling to me which is why I'm so determined to get the help he needs before his teenage years approach.

*sigh* "That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger" -- and I swear-- if I go though ANOTHER thing-- just call me HERCULES!!! As a result -- I HAVE to laugh at things. If I didn't-- I'd be locked up in the crazy house for sure!!!

But... now do you see why I had to LAUGH at 's therapists approach to anger mgt??? Blowing bubbles and 'getting quiet?' I wish it were THAT easy! 's anger strikes out of the blue-- like Kathy stated-- 'a threatened animal' and it's extremely impulsive. It's the IMPULSIVITY that scares me (and I'm sure doesn't like it nor understands it either). When I've said, 'go to your room for a time-out' - this kid just digs in and absolutely refuses. I've had to bodily FORCE him upstairs to his room, sometimes DRAGGING him--- while I'm getting kicked and hit by swinging arms. We have an appt. with the therapist AND the psychiatrist tomorrow, and I won't leave without the answers I seek!!

But, thanks for your letter. It gave me lots of hope for . Ya know, after raising my two oldest sons, I thought I had seen it all. (and his OCD) has been a whole new experience for me!!! I think it was Kathy that said once that many parents feel like everything they knew about parenting gets turned upside down and inside out while trying to parent a child with OCD. I can certainly vouch for THAT. And, the saddest part for me is that is my *baby.* He's the one I was supposed to have lots of fun with because I worked full time while my two older sons were little. It's been very disappointing because these SHOULD BE the 'good years' - the ages between 5 and 12!!! But-- we aren't guaranteed ANYTHING in this life and I have to keep remembering that maybe ---this is the life I was intended to have---- to be important in the life of a (sick) child.

Joni "A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was,

the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove.... but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child."

[Guest guest]

:

What a great post -- I'm going to print it out and have Fred read it and

keep it for reference. I hope that's o.k.

Today is better.

Tamra

Re: Re: anger management

> Hi joni! This is going to be long!

>

> Tom learned this the worst and most challenging way possible -

> through trial and error. Tom's aggression became a factor in his

> behaviour when he was 12. At that point we tried the punching bag,

> sports, more activities, etc. but none worked. The reason being that

> his aggression was linked to compulsions so the distractions had no

> effect, except maybe to lesson the time available to do them.

> By 13 we were calling in the police, on the advice of the p-doc, to

> help calm him down. What we didnt know, or should I say appreciate,

> is that restraining tom was the worst thing we could do! Being

> touched was one of tom's worst triggers for a meltdown. By 15 we

> could no longer cope with his controlling behaviours. We were all

> exhausted, my mother had just died (only unconditional support

> person) and we just couldnt do it anymore. We warned tom that the

> next time he touched anyone of us, he would be placed in care. He

> didnt take us seriously - too bad - because he was in care for a

> year! During that time, I learned everything possible on ocd and

> treatment for/of ocd.

>

> About the group home giving him a " wake up call " - the first one

> charged him with assault (twice) on staff. They very clearly

> antagonized him - but he was charged. The second group home charged

> him once. All this resulted in several 1-night, a couple of 2 night

> stays in the cells and 5 days in the real jail. After this last

> " lesson " tom wouldnt comply so they took him to the Salvation Army

> shelter and told him he could return when he would follow the rules.

> WE - brought him home and told them that their acts were criminal

> against a person with mental health challenges.... but that's another

> story!

>

> Once tom came home, we set strict guidelines and established a

> 'safe' home at my uncles. Only once (during the first few weeks) did

> we have him transported by the police to the safe home. After that,

> I worked at reminding tom WHO is in charge; WHO controls whom? that

> kind of stuff. He sometimes needs a cue, like a warning that his

> speach is loud, fast and vulgar, which he knows means that he's

> excited and possibly anxious. Tom has learned that when these signs

> are obvious, its time for a break from the family - a walk, time in

> his room, a visit with the elderly neighbours or perhaps a night away

> from home.

>

> It is important to role model anger management and unified

> parenting. Parents must never play one against the other or alter an

> arangement the other has organized. Showing tom that his parents are

> a team, and that we discuss and make discisions based on our

> experiences is something he needed to learn. We learned to role model

> things like saying: " I'm tired and cranky, I can't talk to you now.

> How about.... " or " I'm feeling very frustrated right now, give me

> some time alone and then we can talk. " As tom became more aware of

> his influence on us, sometimes pointed out, he began to realize the

> long and short term effects of behaviour. Tom is still careful around

> his father, but they are developing a relationship for the first time

> in about 12 years.

>

> Tom could not participate in martial arts when his ocd was severe

> since there were too many distracting thoughts for him to

> concentrate. Its like meditation, some can do it, others can't. My

> suggestion for is to practice noticing the signs when he feels

> himself getting aggression - and in others. Working on observation

> skills is always a good tool to have. Perhaps could keep an

> anger diary and record what made him angry, how he knew it, what did

> he do and what he could do to have a better outcome - or why what he

> did was right.

>

> keep up the good work, joni. wendy in canada

> (proud mom of a very happy teenager who makes my heart sing with all

> the success he has achieved over this summer!)

> ================================================

> Thank you for this great post. You mentioned " He does understand

> that the reactions are caused by stress and that it is up to him to

> deal with it. He has learned to remove himself from anxiety provoking

> situations where anger may result. "

> How did he learn this ? Did the group home give him a 'Wake Up

> Call?' I hope it doesn't come to that with , but he really

> needs to work through his anger instead of venting it

> inappropriately. Since Football is another one of those things that

> OCD stole from (too much contact for his ocd contamination

> stuff - and I'm NOT upset about it), but I'm thinking maybe Martial

> Arts of some kind would help him learn SELF CONTROL (in addition to

> working with his therapist). Thanks again for this wonderful reply.

> Joni

>

> _______________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, Joni!

I hope your leg is on the mend. Boy, do I know where you're coming from. 's anger sounds just like 's -- I have dodged many flying objects w/i the past 3+ years ( is 9; 10 in November). I've told if he ever hurts us or his brother that I wouldn't hesitate to put him in a "home" where he can get help. I told him that how he treats us is abuse and that is ILLEGAL -- older people to jail for it. He's surprised and says, "I don't want that to happen to me"; but when the anger creeps up (usually coincide with OCD is staring him in the face) he doesn't remember a thing -- no control. I keep working on it, but it is sooooo hard to stay calm when you just want to grab him and scream you head off at him.

I hope if ever ends up in front of a judge, he is a BIG BAD JUDGE and does what the judge did with your older son. Sometimes I think that that might be the only wake-up call for .

I'm going to print your post -- I love the poem at the end. Where do you get these great poems?

Take care -- I'll be thinking of you.

Tamra

Re: Re: anger management

In a message dated 8/27/01 2:35:28 PM Eastern Daylight Time, birkhanw@... writes:

My suggestion for is to practice noticing the signs when he feels himself getting aggression - and in others. Working on observation skills is always a good tool to have. Perhaps could keep an anger diary and record what made him angry, how he knew it, what did he do and what he could do to have a better outcome - or why what he did was right. keep up the good work, joni. wendy in canada (proud mom of a very happy teenager who makes my heart sing with all the success he has achieved over this summer!)Awww, what a GREAT success story, !!! It brings tears to my eyes to see how far Tom has come!! To be honest with you, I've considered calling the police on (only 10) due to his anger - but he's so young. It worked for his older brother (, 18 ADHD+mild ocd) when he was 16.5 --and he slapped me across the face and got very rough with me (over the keys to the car!!) Nate was strongly reprimanded by a Big Bad Judge who thought hitting women, especially your own mother was downright APPALLING!!! He slapped the handcuffs on after court, processed him and put him in a holding area (while got to see what juvenile jail would be like) and later, had to do 25 hrs. community service (picking up trash in parks, etc) It was his FIRST and ONLY offense. The judge said if he saw him in his court room again, he'd order anger mgt. classes AND a little lock-up time!! This approach worked for , who has NEVER touched me since then. It was 's 'wake up call.' Tom's experience seems so severe compared to 's-- I'm so sorry he had to go through all of that!!! Don't be too hard on yourself -- you did your best with what you knew at the time! (((hugs to both of you!!))) I know how it breaks your heart when your very own child is out of control. But, .... well....I didn't want to mention this here on the list, but a couple of weeks ago, he got *so* angry at me when I mentioned the word "POOL" (as in, 'lets go to the pool') that he threw a VERY SHARP object at me --- landing me in the emergency room!!! (and yes, I got a tetanus shot!! yipee-- MORE pain!). I've been on the mend since then-- it was a pretty serious wound to my leg and I'm very lucky. I guess is so terrified of the chlorine in the water that when I said 'pool' - it triggered his anxiety/contamination fears. The thing that upset me the most about this incident is that his level of REMORSE was so great afterwards and he felt sooooo bad, I was beginning to wonder just who is the VICTIM here???? It was a VERY familiar *yukky* feeling that bothered me.... like the way my alcoholic dad used to abuse us, and WE were made to feel like the 'bad guys' for triggering his anger!!!! grrrrrr It's very troubling to me which is why I'm so determined to get the help he needs before his teenage years approach. *sigh* "That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger" -- and I swear-- if I go though ANOTHER thing-- just call me HERCULES!!! As a result -- I HAVE to laugh at things. If I didn't-- I'd be locked up in the crazy house for sure!!! But... now do you see why I had to LAUGH at 's therapists approach to anger mgt??? Blowing bubbles and 'getting quiet?' I wish it were THAT easy! 's anger strikes out of the blue-- like Kathy stated-- 'a threatened animal' and it's extremely impulsive. It's the IMPULSIVITY that scares me (and I'm sure doesn't like it nor understands it either). When I've said, 'go to your room for a time-out' - this kid just digs in and absolutely refuses. I've had to bodily FORCE him upstairs to his room, sometimes DRAGGING him--- while I'm getting kicked and hit by swinging arms. We have an appt. with the therapist AND the psychiatrist tomorrow, and I won't leave without the answers I seek!! But, thanks for your letter. It gave me lots of hope for . Ya know, after raising my two oldest sons, I thought I had seen it all. (and his OCD) has been a whole new experience for me!!! I think it was Kathy that said once that many parents feel like everything they knew about parenting gets turned upside down and inside out while trying to parent a child with OCD. I can certainly vouch for THAT. And, the saddest part for me is that is my *baby.* He's the one I was supposed to have lots of fun with because I worked full time while my two older sons were little. It's been very disappointing because these SHOULD BE the 'good years' - the ages between 5 and 12!!! But-- we aren't guaranteed ANYTHING in this life and I have to keep remembering that maybe ---this is the life I was intended to have---- to be important in the life of a (sick) child. Joni "A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove.... but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child." You may subscribe to the OCD-L by emailing listserv@... . In the body of your message write: subscribe OCD-L your name. You may subscribe to the Parents of Adults with OCD List at parentsofadultswithOCD-subscribe . You may subscribe to the OCD and Homeschooling List at ocdandhomeschooling-subscribe . You may change your subscription format or access the files, bookmarks, and archives for our list at . Our list advisors are Tamar Chansky, Ph.D., Aureen Pinto Wagner, Ph.D., and Dan Geller, M.D. Our list moderators are Birkhan, Kathy Hammes, Joye, Jule Monnens, Gail Pesses, Kathy , Vivian Stembridge, and Jackie Stout. Subscription issues or suggestions may be addressed to Louis Harkins, list owner, at lharkins@... .

[Guest guest]

> I hope if ever ends up in front of a judge,

he is a BIG BAD JUDGE and does what the judge did

with your older son. Sometimes I think that that

might be the only wake-up call for .

Tamra, hi!

A couple of things: Tom would return from either sitting in the

police cruiser, or going to the 5 day crisis centre for 'out of

control' kids, with an attitude that said: If you think that is going

to break my spirit - forget it. He was right, btw.

There is a program run through the juvenile division of the police

department where 'at risk' kids are given a walk through and a tough

talking to about what awaits them. Perhaps they have one in your

area?? Believe me, it has to better than spending a day sitting in

court!! (the parking attendant knew me by name!)

You may always print out any of my posts. If they can help anyone,

then I have done my positive deed for the day!

take care, wendy

_______________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

I don't have the time to do it right now, but I would imagine that information is still somewhere on our site...Laurie would know for sure.

Obviously, far easier if whoever supplied the information once, would do so again!

Ellen

Ellen Garber Bronfeldegskb@...

Anger management

Good Morning Everyone,

Sometime last summer or fall, there was some discussion about anger management.

I remember reading someone's comments about a professional in the field that works very well with our adults with disabilities and their problems with anger management. Can anyone remember who that professional was and how to contact him/her?

Thanks,

Jan Bergman

[Guest guest]

Anger management

Learning the art of mindfulness can lead to a happier life

Dharma can help manage anger. Usually we study

about human resource management, risk management, time management and

financial management, which are all concerned with external elements.

But anger management concerns our inner self. When anger arises, we

often do not know how to manage it and we become manipulated by it.

Like everything else in the universe, anger arises and passes away,

restoring the original pool of stillness. Not knowing its nature and

allowing it to take over can lead to disastrous outcomes.

The symptoms of anger can range from fury, frustration and rage to a

desire to destroy, and finally, attack what we hold to be the cause.

Anger may manifest itself in the following ways:

- Like a line drawn across water, anger that disappears quickly.

- Like a line drawn in the sand, disappearing when a wave washes ashore.

- Like a line carved into a stone, surviving all kinds of weather conditions over thousands and thousands of years.

Anger is not a physical entity, but once it appears, its destructive potential is far more devastating than any nuclear weapon.

During World War II, the US became furious when the Japanese Army

carried out kamikaze attacks on their warplanes and ships at Pearl

Harbour. The anger drove the US to attack the Japanese cities of

Hiroshima and Nagasaki with atomic bombs, killing more than 400,000

people. Hitler, the famously angry Nazi leader, killed more than six

million Jews. King Vidudabha of India was infuriated that the Sakya who

were relatives of Buddha insulted him so he unleashed the might of his

army on them, wiping out the entire race. This is the power of

destruction wrought by anger.

When anger appears in your heart, everything can be turned into a devastating weapon.

In terms of love, it feels marvellous when two lovers' eyes meet

because the eyes are the windows to the heart. But two angry people can

also burn each other with the fire in their eyes.

Family members living in the same house may start off decorating the

house together all in complete agreement with one another, but when

overwhelmed by anger they might start throwing the decorative pieces at

one another instead.

We must learn the art of mindfulness because anger arises from

mindlessness. If you are mindful and always fully aware of yourself,

anger cannot conquer your heart - PHRA MAHA VUTHICHAI VACHIRAMETHI

For a husband and a wife sharing the same bed, a bedside lamp can quickly turn into a dangerous baton.

When anger takes over, a home, a family or an office can fall apart.

Friends might no longer be friends, belongings can be ruined. Even

lives can come to a disastrous end.

When anger arises, do not pursue it, and do not keep it in a jar

like preserved fruit. Anger must be conquered before it conquers us.

There are numerous ways to manage anger. First of all, when you are

angry, you must walk away from the situation which has caused it.

Next, find yourself some cool, refreshing water. Wash your face with

water so that its coolness calms you down. Water can actually help us

come to our senses, making us become aware that we are experiencing

anger.

Do not make decisions under those circumstances. If you are a

businessman, you should not write a cheque, decide on an investment or

turn down a customer when you are angry. Otherwise, your business can

be ruined in a matter of seconds.

If a married couple gets into a fight, you should not decide to get

a divorce right at that moment because when it is all over, you may

regret losing the best person in your life.

As parents, if you are angry with your children, you should not tell

them to leave the house and never come back. Otherwise, they may not

just walk out of the house but out of your life forever.

When angry, you should absolutely refrain from talking because, in

anger, talking is like releasing waste, just as a a car releases

exhaust fumes. People walking behind the car will inhale the foul,

highly toxic air.

We must learn how to transform the power of anger from negative to

positive. At the top of all tall buildings are lightning rods which

send electricity from the sky to the ground without striking or hurting

anyone.

Likewise, we must learn how to neutralise anger. When you are angry,

you should not pursue it, but instead try to shift your focus to

something else such as doing your chores, bathing, reading, listening

to music or jogging.

Having followed the previous steps, your anger should be much less

intense, without much energy left. Then you can close your eyes and

focus your thoughts on the person who has angered you and follow

Buddha's teachings, which say that people in the world may be different

- by nationality, religion, skin colour, caste or historical and

cultural backgrounds - but we are all in fact brothers and sisters. We

are all humans before we are Thai, Bhutanese, Buddhist, Christian or

Muslim.

In reality, we are all related because we are all humans. When we

view all people as brothers and sisters, we should not be angry with

anyone. If we are angry at anyone, it means we are angry with our own

family members.

We must all plant the seed of love and compassion in the person who

has angered us and in humanity, both in peaceful times and when they

have made us angry. It is only when you interact with people in the

whole world with benevolence that you will discover the truth: no one

really deserves your anger.

Last but not least, we must learn the art of mindfulness because

anger arises from mindlessness. If you are mindful and always fully

aware of yourself, anger cannot conquer your heart. With mindfulness

and self-awareness, we can outsmart any hostile element or attack.

A hostile word, action or situation, can no longer displease you if

you are mindful. On the contrary, with the help of mindfulness, when

anger arises, wisdom can terminate your feeling of anger. You will be

left only with positive energy and liveliness.

Therefore, if we learn to breathe mindfully, anger may arise, but it

cannot poison our heart. When you walk in the woods, for instance, it's

a good idea to squeeze some lime on your feet. The tens of thousands of

leeches may crawl up your feet but cannot hang on or do any harm

because they cannot cope with the smell of citrus. The leeches are like

anger. They are there but they cannot hurt you. This is because you are

always fully aware of your own thoughts, feelings and actions. In

today's world, democracy has spread to most countries, including the

last Shangri-La of Bhutan.

In democracy, there are many key words, but one which concerns our

lives the most is the word " rights " . Everyone living in a democratic

world usually demands the recognition of their rights.

All people in the democratic world call for human rights without

realising there are at least three more rights which are given to them

at birth - the right not to be angry, the right not to be miserable and

finally the right not to be foolish.

Thus, by learning the art of anger management, you will be able to

control yourself even in the worst situations. You will be a physically

and mentally healthy person. Your face and skin will even look youthful

and radiant like a blooming flower. You will always feel nice and cool

inside, like an oasis in a desert.

A person who has successfully managed his or her anger will have one

special characteristic: he or she will always have a smiling face. In

any temple - in Thailand, Japan, the UK, France, the US or Bhutan - you

will find Buddha's face always with a faint smile.

We should all be like little Buddhas always with a smile in our face because we are not disturbed by anger.

But if you do not learn to manage your anger and let it take

control, you will possess a strange power to transform yourself into

all kinds of monsters, not unlike renowned terrorists who have killed

millions of people, a power far exceeding that of any nuclear weapon.

A smart banker puts his or her money in the bank little by little.

When necessary, he or she can withdraw the money in an instant. A smart

practitioner of mindfulness should do the same. Practise mindfulness

little by little, but be consistent. One day, you will realise that

mindfulness can do wonders in keeping anger at bay. A heart emboldened

by mindfulness will hardly be hurt by anger. A heart without

mindfulness always has anger waiting around the corner, ready to

attack; just a little twig can start a fire.

Every time you allow yourself to focus on your breathing, it is no

different from shining the light of mindfulness into darkness. Light

can dispel darkness instantly. So even when anger arises in our heart,

when it is met with mindfulness, the emotion will quickly disappear in

the same manner.

This is an edited excerpt from a lecture given by Phra Maha

Vuthichai Vachiramethi to members of the Bhutanese royal family, the

honorable Gembo (former teacher of King Jigme Khesar Namgyel),

politicians, business representatives, Unicef staff and guests, at the

Royal Guest Hall in Paro, Bhutan, on June 28, 2007.

About the author

Writer: Story by PHRA MAHA VUTHICHAI VACHIRAMETHI / Translated by ORAYA SUTABUTR / Photos by SOMKID CHAIJITVANIT -- http://mukulchaudhri.blogspot.com