Family and sadness

[Guest guest]

Danita -

A friend recently gave me this advice which I think is helpful. You cannot

change who someone else is or how they behave. You can only change how you

react to it. Even though it is painful for you to watch your sister do thngs and

live a life that is unhealthy, until she wants to change, you can do nothing.

So, since you asked for advice, I think you should continue to provide her

with a positive example of how you live your life and let her live hers however

she chooses. If you need to distance yourself a little for awhile, that is

okay too. We don't choose our family and we cannot change other people, but we

can refuse to let them make us unhappy.

Keep your chin up!

Deb

[Guest guest]

Thanks Deb.

There are several topics I am not allowed to discuss with my sister

because they upset her, and religiously I follow those rules. Yet

I've never set a boundary with her about her emotional and mental

complaints. Maybe it's time I do.

Maybe I could ask that she keeps her mental and physical health

communication to positive steps she is taking, unless she is asking

advice. I feel like I'm the depository for all her complaints, yet

I can't make one suggestion without being dumped on again. Maybe

that's a fair trade. I'll continue to honor her boundaries if she'll

honor mine. And just maybe, I'd be doing her a favor by saying 'no

more' to the complaining. If she can't dump it on me, she might

eventually need to take action. Or she'll just find someone else to

dump on. Either way, I could be off the hook with her health

complaints.

Huh. That sounds like a plan. Thanks for initiating a new way of

thinking, Deb. BTW, I'm on disability and struggling to rebuild

some semblence of a career, having lost that over years of weakness

and fatigue and injuries prior to my diagnosis. I thought I was lazy,

crazy and dumb, when in fact I think I was just exhausted. My life

is a mess, but my sister treats me like I don't understand pain and

loss. Believe me, I do. All day long I repeat things to myself like.

.... 'The glass is half full'... and....' Life has given me lemons,

so I'm making lemonade!' Right now I feel pretty thankful that I

have a positive attitude.... much of the time anyway

Danita

[Guest guest]

I am glad to hear you are trying to look at the brighter side (glass half full,

etc.) Believe me, I am no Pollyanna and I know how easy it is to focus on the

hard parts of life, particularly having a progressive neurological disease,

which is precisely why we have to decide not to take on everyone else's burdens.

I have a younger sister who is mentally ill. She constantly orchestrates crises

and manipulates the rest of us. While I feel sorry for her and know that to some

extent she cannot help her behavior, I can refuse to let her engage me in the

dilema du jour. I learned that I cannot make her be someone else or behave

differently but I can change my reaction. (Which is not to say that it is

always easy). So, I think if your sister sees that you are not getting pulled

in she may stop the behaviors. (If there is no payoff - which may even be the

confrontation for her, why do it?) She probably does not even really realize

what she is doing nd how it is making you feel. And though she is your sister

and you feel tied to her, you are not responsible for her and you deserve to be

treated better. Hope all that did not sound too preachy - my main point is that

sometimes it is okay to be more " selfish. " You sound like a really great,

caring person and she should be happy to have you as her sister!

You said you were on disability now. What sort of work did you do before?

Keep smiling...

Deb

[Guest guest]

Hello-

I've been writing to the list way too much today, and it just

hit me why. I have a sister and brother, both with CMT. My

sister and I have been very close for a lot of our lives, but

we've also had major conflicts. We are having one now, and we

are not communicating.

I'm a health professional (registered dietitian) and maybe an

eternal optomist, and I think this combination is impossible

for a peaceful relationship with my sister. She's quite

overweight and smokes, and does absolutely no exercise. Most of

her emails to me are about her illness which are multiple. It

gets old, but at the same time she has a very charming side,

and a wonderful sense of humor. She is also very generous and

thoughtful.

It's second nature to me to offer ideas when she talks about

her ailments, but I have learned that any 'unsolicited advice'

as she calls it, will not be taken well. So most of the time we

all just listen and hold our tongues. Unfortunately,

occasionally I forget. I'll suggest she take a walk down the

block with her walker sometime, or offer some stretches that

help me. She becomes very defensive and angry with me, and

recently she threatened to end or relationship altogether if it

continued.

Most recently she wrote an email to me that started out so

negatively I just couldn't read it. It was hurtful right of the

bat. Anyway, my brother and I have our struggles with CMT, and

just like almost everyone else we are trying to do the most

with what we have.

I prefer to work with clients who are very overweight, so I'm

all about teaching small, achievable goals, not perfection or a

Barbie-body so I think I'm pretty down to earth and understanding.

I don't know what it's like for my sister, yet I do find I judge her.

It seems to me it would be so easy to just make a few minor

changes to improve her quality of life. I'm not talking about

weight loss or even quitting smoking because for her those

things are totally out of the question.

This is just painful for me. I miss her friendship, yet I don't

know how to deal with her. If she sees my AFOs I feel like I

need to hide them because she'll feel I'll suggest she should

try some ('I tried them and they were just awful'). I don't

talk about my walking or other efforts to stay healthy because

she gets distant ('I don't have the energy to walk').

I guess we all just cope differently, and again I can't know

what it's like for her. I'm just sad. I can't get it right with

her.

Danita