I HAVE BEEN AT GOAL FOR A WHILE, MY THOUGHTS (X POST)

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it seems that i keep getting stuck on this " mary " go round, of what

to do next. i have talked about it, and talked about it, and

thought about it, and prayed, drank, and walked over it. now is

time for action. this last week, i made a list of things that are

bugging the shit out of me, and then i made of list of actions i

could take (no matter how irrational or hideous) to solve the

problem or to make the pain go away, in most instances it seems

that time is the key factor. i am still recuperating from the tummy

tuck and body sculpting. and everything is out of proportion now. i

am still draining, and using kotex, and not getting any nookie.

i am not ashamed to say that i am a very sexual person, and to be

right honest not getting any has made me not so nice, and also

very " hard " to be around. so i have now decided that untill i am

healed up and the nasty scabs heal over and go away, that i had damn

well better get my head out of my ass, and get a plan in place. the

first thing i did was made a list of procrastinated things that i

have been holding over my head. and have made an active effort to

get a form of action going. the rpoblem that i keep running into, is

that i am not right in the head, and am physically weak. it is

really pissing me off. the biggest fear i have right now is that i

am financially more unstable than i have ever been in the last ten

years. the reason is really clear. my accountants graphed and

charted the whole thing. it started very clearly declining after i

got my band. it is clear that i have focused whole heartedly on the

band and the wieght loss, and the extreme makeover more so than

anything else. i am grateful with the results (other than the huge

scar from the tummy tuck) and i am incredibly grateful for the

amount of head work that i have accomplished, not only have i

become thinner and in some middle aged mens opinion stunningly

gorgeous, but i have become a quieter, nicer person. i still pull

practical jokes, and i can still give someone a severe ass chewing

if need be, but i am not lashing out at people like i used to,

because of my unhappiness. that all sounds good while we are

talking about it, but it also has left me vulnerable in alot of

areas. now instead of telling someone to take ahike because i dont

like them, i am more apt to be kind about it, and hence they dont

take the walk, so now i have exchanged one set of problems for

another. i no longer neeed to be the center of attention at all

costs. for example i resigned from being entertainment coordinator

for the seattle bash. why? its not just because i think there are

other people thatcan do a better job, and be less controversial and

sexually explicit than i am, but because i no longer want to be the

center of attention, (at least not that much) i may even opt to

join the bash as a particpant, and really mix and mingle with

people and really get to know them, rather than try to impress or

garner their attention. my other plan of action in this getting

attention arena varies from no longer engaging my family in matters

that may inflame their narrow minded little family eco sytem. also

i am weaning people away from me that need my constant approval as

well. in the meat market gay scene i am actively turning from being

the loud and boisterous person who everyone looks at. to the quiet

hottie in the corner that everyone looks at. i am no wall flower,

(nor will i ever be!) trust me i surround myself with characters,

but i no longer want to be the ring leader all the time, lets take

turns..... today my freind kevin takes a turn, tomorrow... my

friend jo takes a turn, perhaps when i am feeling particularly

mischieveious then i will take a turn. letting go is also on the

agenda, i still have a couple more people that need to be let go.

and i have had to examine the reason why i have not let them go

untill now. (this is just shamefull!) sadly in both cases, it has

been because i am a selfish narcissistic greedy pig. it is now time

to give those people the freedom they deserve. (they wont like it,

trust me they like the abuse, but they deserve it) on the list of

things that need to be done, probably the second most important

thing to me is that my financial house needs to be put into order.

its a hateful chore, so i am going to try and do it with a smile,

and an easy hand. to reach my ultimate goals, i need the financial

backing and the lifestyle that i am accustomed to. it is a

neccesary thing, i finally realized that most people that get the

band carry full time work, how hateful that must be. (and how

compassionate i am now towards that) what about these folks that

carry full time jobs, and have children as well? holy shit, (i

havent carried full time work for years!) they are stronger than i

am for sure... and how lucky i have been to not have had to do

that. however it all has come full circle and i have made my

choices along the way, and my body image was my next big project

sixteen months ago, (after i had successfully quit smoking for two

years after smoking for seventeen) and i feel that i did it the very

best i could. but it took much longer than i had originally

anticipated, and also at a much more expensive cost than i had

anticipated, with all the tucks and lifts, and clothes and things,

(my lip balm which is my favorite is called stage beauty) who knew?

(there aint much mens clothes at the clothing exchanges if you know

what i mean) as i wrap this tummy tuck and lipo sculpture chapter

up in anticipation of hard abs by gay pride, i realized that i need

to actually stop and go back from the beginning, and tidy things

up. so as i stand here much like grant did after he marched through

richmond.... (you get the picture houses burnt a large swath of

destruction, the empty feeling of being so driven, the sheer

tiredness of it all) i understand that i still have some baggage,

and some occasional road kill, and the sheer " disinterest " in life,

and the fatigue from the battle, that i now have to go back and mend

a couple of fences, bury the dead, and plant a few flowers, and

rest, recuperate, and get on with my life. at this point i feel

that i have won the battle, but i am fatigued and worn out. i got

what i wanted, or at least made the goal i was striving to achieve.

(much the same as when i retired or stopped working at age thirty

after amassing millions in realestate) i am anxiously awaiting my

appointment with my therapist as well, a kind woman that gives good

solid sage advice, if i was a therapist i would want to be like

her. to make a long post even longer... i am not sure if you all

saw gone with the wind, but i feel like scarlet ohara did when she

finally made it back to her plantation (tara) and she arrived at the

front door that was kicked off, and everything all messed up,

(probably smelled like hell) she finally got there with a baby, a

wet nurse, and cow in tow. (wasnt there a passive aggresive maid as

well?) and do you remember the horse that drug that wagon home died

right there on the ciruclar drive when it finally made it home, she

said whoa! and the poor worn out pitiful thing died. i am not sure

if i relate to scarlet o'hara or the horse........