Re: support?

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

This is a very difficult situation. I have somewhat of a different

story, but similar is some ways. I was banded 4/5/05 and have lost

65 lbs. so far. My husband is over 300 and has heart problems. He

recently decided that he would be banded himself. When my daughter

and I expressed concerns about anesthesia and heart problems, he

decided that he would " try again " on his own (South Beach, never

sticks to it) because he didn't want to put us through all the

worry. I personally never asked him to NOT have the surgery, yet

now feel like it will be my fault if he doesn't get the weight off

and has a heart attack. I'm not so sure he was very serious about

it to begin with.

So here are the similarities....not only my husband, but my whole

family, extended included, still has a problems remembering or

understanding that I can't drink soda, eat rolls, bagels, pasta, get

stuck sometimes, have PANCAKES....my daughter made them special for

us one morning....I just sat down took a few small bites and almost

started crying. There are times when you feel very alone and wonder

why others seem so unconcerned or " forgetful. " My husband even gets

mad when I have a loss. He says he's just kidding, but instead of

being happy for me, he is envious. I started to wonder how it would

be if roles were reversed. I tell myself that I'd only have joy for

him or anyone else who was succeeding, but is it true? I've

encountered so many people who are concerned mostly with

themselves. They have a hard time focusing on others, so their

first reaction to your success is envy or even

subconcious " sabotage. " My husband happens to be my strongest

support. He is probably the most loving person I know. It all can

be very confusing because he'll say how wonderful I look, etc. and

then the next day bring home some candy for me because.... " he loves

me. " I'm convinced that somewhere out there is a good counselor or

book that can tell us why weight problems are so complex. One thing

I do know is that the human heart is naturally a selfish one and

those who can focus on others are rare, but they do exist. I know

your husband must love you dearly and in time he will begin to

understand and " remember " that life is changing for you. The good

thing is that a slow change is always easier to adjust to. I wish

you well. Sorry this is so long.

Carol

>

> my husband has already started (I've had good fills before) the

behavior I feared. he is

> " forgetting " that I can't eat bread, rushing meals and

making " innocent " comments about

> how he misses having pancakes with me in the morning. the other

day he went on and on

> and on about how we should've discovered this one brand of biscuit

(the one he was

> eating at the time) before I got my band refilled because it is so

delicious. I'm in the

> throes of trying to lose 100 lbs!!!! at the very same time, he'll

make comments about how

> the heartrate monitor I bought recently hasn't moved from it's

spot on the kitchen table

> since I got it. i know I shoud've used it by now, but how is

cajoling and shaming me going

> to help? meanwhile, he's practically torturing me with food.

> suggestions?

>

[Guest guest]

What a tough situation! Could it be that your husband is fearing the unknown?

Perhaps he is worried that you will lose weight and leave him? Who knows. I

think that the best bet would be to sit down and talk to him about how his

comments make you feel and that they are not helping you, but only making you

feel bad. Reassure him that you are doing this to be healthy, which will make

you happy, and in turn a better wife.

Marie

<gypsyqueen1968@...> wrote:

my husband has already started (I've had good fills before) the behavior I

feared. he is

" forgetting " that I can't eat bread, rushing meals and making " innocent "

comments about

how he misses having pancakes with me in the morning. the other day he went on

and on

and on about how we should've discovered this one brand of biscuit (the one he

was

eating at the time) before I got my band refilled because it is so delicious.

I'm in the

throes of trying to lose 100 lbs!!!! at the very same time, he'll make comments

about how

the heartrate monitor I bought recently hasn't moved from it's spot on the

kitchen table

since I got it. i know I shoud've used it by now, but how is cajoling and

shaming me going

to help? meanwhile, he's practically torturing me with food.

suggestions?

[Guest guest]

Well, , to be as polite as possible, your husband is an asshole.

Sorry if I'm offending anyone's delicate sensibilities, but that's as

polite as I can be.

He is obviously insecure and doesn't really want you to lose weight.

He's probably afraid, though never would admit it, that if you become

thinner and more attractive you'll dump him and run off with someone

else. Or, he's an abusive person and is using this as the latest

method of abuse.

Neither is a good situation, obviously. I see there are several

possibilities.

1. Ignore him. That's tough.

2. Do what he fears and leave him.

3. Let him know how hurtful and cruel and selfish he's being and bad

it makes you feel.

4. Go to counseling WITH him, IF he'll go (most of these folks won't,

but worth a try).

5. Go to counseling yourself for other ideas on how to deal with this

abuse.

I'm sure there are others. None are fun or pretty.....but....

I know this because I've been in your shoes before, years ago with a

now-ex-wife. Yeah, women can be abusers too.

cheers

dan

Friday, March 10, 2006, 5:39:48 AM, you wrote:

W> my husband has already started (I've had good fills before) the behavior I

feared. he is

W> " forgetting " that I can't eat bread, rushing meals and making " innocent "

comments about

W> how he misses having pancakes with me in the morning. the other day he went

on and on

W> and on about how we should've discovered this one brand of biscuit (the one

he was

W> eating at the time) before I got my band refilled because it is so delicious.

I'm in the

W> throes of trying to lose 100 lbs!!!! at the very same time, he'll make

comments about how

W> the heartrate monitor I bought recently hasn't moved from it's spot on the

kitchen table

W> since I got it. i know I shoud've used it by now, but how is cajoling and

shaming me going

W> to help? meanwhile, he's practically torturing me with food.

W> suggestions?

W>

W>

[Guest guest]

Friday, March 10, 2006, 8:55:32 AM, you wrote:

m> Hi ,

m> This is a very difficult situation. I have somewhat of a different

m> story, but similar is some ways. I was banded 4/5/05 and have lost

m> 65 lbs. so far. My husband is over 300 and has heart problems. He

m> recently decided that he would be banded himself. When my daughter

m> and I expressed concerns about anesthesia and heart problems, he

m> decided that he would " try again " on his own

It is really too bad you discouraged him or made him afraid. Almost

EVERYONE who is banded has those potential issues. I was banded at

323 and know folks who've been banded at over 500. If the doctor he

sees isn't concerned about it, then you shouldn't be. He's already

carrying a death sentence around with him.....on his belly, etc.

m> (South Beach, never

m> sticks to it) because he didn't want to put us through all the

m> worry. I personally never asked him to NOT have the surgery, yet

m> now feel like it will be my fault if he doesn't get the weight off

m> and has a heart attack.

It isn't your fault, but you can go back and let him know that you

just had natural concern and were NOT trying to discourage him....just

mentioning something his doc will need to consider....and you're sorry

if you discouraged him. Make sure you and daughter are on same page

on this in advance. The vast majority of people banded start at over

300.

m> I'm not so sure he was very serious about

m> it to begin with.

That is irrelevant. He has to make his own decision about whether he

is serious.

m> So here are the similarities....not only my husband, but my whole

m> family, extended included, still has a problems remembering or

m> understanding that I can't drink soda, eat rolls, bagels, pasta, get

m> stuck sometimes, have PANCAKES....my daughter made them special for

m> us one morning....I just sat down took a few small bites and almost

m> started crying. There are times when you feel very alone and wonder

m> why others seem so unconcerned or " forgetful. "

Yes, they can be cruel, perhaps intentionally, perhaps not. MANY

bandsters never tell anyone (other than spouse, etc) and thus deal

with this all the time. You do need to work on that.

m> My husband even gets

m> mad when I have a loss. He says he's just kidding, but instead of

m> being happy for me, he is envious.

That's right. Encourage him to get his own.

m> I started to wonder how it would

m> be if roles were reversed. I tell myself that I'd only have joy for

m> him or anyone else who was succeeding, but is it true? I've

m> encountered so many people who are concerned mostly with

m> themselves.

ALL of us are concerned mostly with ourselves. That's part of

survival. You can only lose weight if YOU want to, and want to FOR

YOURSELF. If it benefits others, that's great.

m> They have a hard time focusing on others, so their

m> first reaction to your success is envy or even

m> subconcious " sabotage. " My husband happens to be my strongest

m> support. He is probably the most loving person I know. It all can

m> be very confusing because he'll say how wonderful I look, etc. and

m> then the next day bring home some candy for me because.... " he loves

m> me. "

Let him know that to show his love he should NOT bring that kind of

crap home. If he is really bringing it for himself, which I'll bet is

the case, ask him to consume it in private and to keep it away from

you. If he REALLY loves you, he will learn quickly not to do that.

m> I'm convinced that somewhere out there is a good counselor or

m> book that can tell us why weight problems are so complex. One thing

m> I do know is that the human heart is naturally a selfish one and

m> those who can focus on others are rare, but they do exist. I know

m> your husband must love you dearly and in time he will begin to

m> understand and " remember " that life is changing for you. The good

m> thing is that a slow change is always easier to adjust to. I wish

m> you well. Sorry this is so long.

Read my original reply to the message you're replying to, and there

may be some ideas in it for you too.

dan

Dan Lester, Boise, ID honu@... www.mylapband.tk

Dr. Ortiz, Tijuana, 4/28/03

323/209/199 Age 63 The road goes on forever....

[Guest guest]

Carol -

I can explain this.

As a man, I can speak from experience and say that, generally speaking,

we're not that bright. Your husband probably has a lot of history

expressing his feelings for you with food - taking you out to dinner,

birthday cakes, cookies, Valentines Day boxes of chocolates, etc. It's

a Mars/Venus thing.

Your band journey is all about changing habits. You have something to

help you change your habits but the people around you don't. I'm afraid

that you'll have to either put up with the bad habits of others close to

you or help them change them. Your family having " forbidden " food items

around may partially be about sabotage but the world is full of things

that are bad for you and you can't change it all. Every grocery store

and convenience store I walk into has thousands of things that I am not

going to buy. The snack table at every get together at church is 99%

off-limits to me. But that means it is important that I eat a good meal

before I go so I'm not hungry and tempted to graze.

Your husband bringing you candy is his way of expressing his feelings -

tell him that you enjoy flowers more than candy. Or maybe books, little

glass animal figurines, origami, anything that you can't eat will work.

You may have to tell him more than once.

My best, .

mom1960cq wrote:

>My husband happens to be my strongest

>support. He is probably the most loving person I know. It all can

>be very confusing because he'll say how wonderful I look, etc. and

>then the next day bring home some candy for me because.... " he loves

>me. "

>

[Guest guest]

Carol, marie, Kem, Dan........

Carol, first, congrats on the 65 lbs! I agree with Dan, I'd revisit the idea of

banding with

your husband - go to a surgeon with him to discuss.

Marie, I DO think he somewhat fears my success, but he doesn't know it

consciously.

Kem, thanks for you comments and sharing your own " interventions " with your

husband.

Dan, first, SO sorry to hear about your brother. This will be a trying time to

say the least.

My thoughts will be with you. As for your response to me, I truly believe my

husband

forgets that I can't have bread. He isn't abusive, BUT, as mentioned above, I

DO think he is

scared and doesn't even know it. Since we've been together, I have been 40 lbs

lighter

than I am now so I would think he wouldn't be too nervous YET! I like option #3

" let him

know how hurtful and cruel and selfish he's being and bad it makes you feel. "

He is good

about reminding me to go slow and chew and take small bites and all that jazz,

but I think

he is mourning our food relationship (unfortunately, he is doing so ALOUD).

Each meal

with him will bring a new chance to address his behavior and how it impacts me.

I'm

trying to be patient.

Thanks everyone!

wendy

-8 lbs since 2/27/06 fill

Rumbaut, Aug. 2003

[Guest guest]

This is very passive-agresive bahavior, and VERY unfair to you.

He is certainly making things harder for you. i hope you'll be able

to talk to him honestly about this.

things like " I'm really committed to losing weight for my health. I

need your suport, and it makes it hard when you say things like

that... "

I'm a strong advocate of therapy during the band journey (especially)

and I hope you'll consider finding a good therapist to help and

support you, and deal with husband-issues like this one. If you two

can get into some couple's counselling together, it would be even

better - for aLL areas of your life together. sandy R

>

> my husband has already started (I've had good fills before) the

behavior I feared. he is

> " forgetting " that I can't eat bread, rushing meals and

making " innocent " comments about

> how he misses having pancakes with me in the morning. the other

day he went on and on

> and on about how we should've discovered this one brand of biscuit

(the one he was

> eating at the time) before I got my band refilled because it is so

delicious. I'm in the

> throes of trying to lose 100 lbs!!!! at the very same time, he'll

make comments about how

> the heartrate monitor I bought recently hasn't moved from it's spot

on the kitchen table

> since I got it. i know I shoud've used it by now, but how is

cajoling and shaming me going

> to help? meanwhile, he's practically torturing me with food.

> suggestions?

>

[Guest guest]

m> So here are the similarities....not only my husband, but my whole

m> family, extended included, still has a problems remembering or

m> understanding that I can't drink soda, eat rolls, bagels, pasta, get

m> stuck sometimes, have PANCAKES....my daughter made them special for

m> us one morning....I just sat down took a few small bites and almost

m> started crying.

This happens to me a lot. My favorite response (with a sincere smile)

is " Oh it looks GREAT! Smells wonderful. I'll just watch yall eat it

while I sit here and lose a little more weight. "

After my first good fill, it irked me more for people to ask why I

couldn't eat a certain food food. I am referring to both people that

knew I was banded and those that didn't. I finally settled on the

response " It doesn't make me feel good. " End of that discussion

instead of a long drawn out lesson on the band.

To other people, having the band can be similar to having diabetes or

a food allergy. People know you have it, but it doesn't affect what

they eat, therefore they don't remember or fully understand your

limitations. My nephew has a peanut allergy. Last year at Thanksgiving

I put a turkey on the table that was fried in peanut oil. It never

crossed my mind. Thank goodness my sister in law asked what type of

oil it was fried in. I felt like the most insensitive idiot. I just

apologized and told him I meant to do that. I can't eat anything else

on the table, dressing, rolls, sweet potatoes, etc. and I wanted

somebody to eat a special dinner with just me. He is a kid so he fell

for it. And he and I made homemade salsa and fried low carb tortillas

in OLIVE OIL.

If you really think your husband is trying to sabotage your weight

loss, tell him that you understand, you expected it, and it is fine.

Tell him that you realize it's a sign of his insecurity and all men

with small (how do I put this?) **genitals** tend to show their

insecurities. Give him hell girl!

Dawn

-116

[Guest guest]

You need to detach from his comments with love. Clearly state

your " I feel " messages to him and move on with your exciting journey

of losing weight. Don't let others weigh you down mentally.

Good luck!

>

> my husband has already started (I've had good fills before) the

behavior I feared. he is

> " forgetting " that I can't eat bread, rushing meals and

making " innocent " comments about

> how he misses having pancakes with me in the morning. the other

day he went on and on

> and on about how we should've discovered this one brand of biscuit

(the one he was

> eating at the time) before I got my band refilled because it is so

delicious. I'm in the

> throes of trying to lose 100 lbs!!!! at the very same time, he'll

make comments about how

> the heartrate monitor I bought recently hasn't moved from it's

spot on the kitchen table

> since I got it. i know I shoud've used it by now, but how is

cajoling and shaming me going

> to help? meanwhile, he's practically torturing me with food.

> suggestions?

>

[Guest guest]

It's also a good opportunity to teach them better eating. that type

of sugar rush in the am is very dangerous - the type of thing that

leads to diabetes.

Why would you be crying?? Do you miss pancakes so much you'd take

them overe your weight loss? (Don't think so! :-)

It's no different that having a child with diabetes. They have to

learn that others will be doing and eating things that will make them

sick. just takes time and practice. Sandy r

>

> m> So here are the similarities....not only my husband, but my whole

> m> family, extended included, still has a problems remembering or

> m> understanding that I can't drink soda, eat rolls, bagels, pasta,

get

> m> stuck sometimes, have PANCAKES....my daughter made them special

for

> m> us one morning....I just sat down took a few small bites and

almost

> m> started crying.

>

> This happens to me a lot. My favorite response (with a sincere

smile)

> is " Oh it looks GREAT! Smells wonderful. I'll just watch yall eat

it

> while I sit here and lose a little more weight. "

>

> After my first good fill, it irked me more for people to ask why I

> couldn't eat a certain food food. I am referring to both people

that

> knew I was banded and those that didn't. I finally settled on the

> response " It doesn't make me feel good. " End of that discussion

> instead of a long drawn out lesson on the band.

>

> To other people, having the band can be similar to having diabetes

or

> a food allergy. People know you have it, but it doesn't affect what

> they eat, therefore they don't remember or fully understand your

> limitations. My nephew has a peanut allergy. Last year at

Thanksgiving

> I put a turkey on the table that was fried in peanut oil. It never

> crossed my mind. Thank goodness my sister in law asked what type of

> oil it was fried in. I felt like the most insensitive idiot. I just

> apologized and told him I meant to do that. I can't eat anything

else

> on the table, dressing, rolls, sweet potatoes, etc. and I wanted

> somebody to eat a special dinner with just me. He is a kid so he

fell

> for it. And he and I made homemade salsa and fried low carb

tortillas

> in OLIVE OIL.

>

> If you really think your husband is trying to sabotage your weight

> loss, tell him that you understand, you expected it, and it is

fine.

> Tell him that you realize it's a sign of his insecurity and all men

> with small (how do I put this?) **genitals** tend to show their

> insecurities. Give him hell girl!

>

> Dawn

> -116

>

[Guest guest]

The " almost tears " were not because I couldn't eat the pancake, it

was because of how hurt I was that my family continues to be

insensitive. I know my daughter only had good intentions and was so

excited to cook for us and suprise us. The reason I sat down and

tried to take a few bites was to not hurt " her " feelings. As we sat

there she actually asked if I didn't like it. How far do I go

without screaming at everyone.....DON'T YOU GET IT? I winded up

getting very quiet and then calmly stated that I can't really eat

pancakes. My daughter appologized and said she " forgot. " Now, I

can't really blame an 11 year old, and I know she'll adjust. My

problem is with the adults in my life, especially extended family.

You're right about teaching them better eating and I realize that I

have to just suck it up and press on without whining about how

others are responding. I think a big part of succeeding is being

able to kind of seperate myself and start making time for what I

want to accomplish. I've spent lots of years taking care of

everyone else.

> >

> > m> So here are the similarities....not only my husband, but my

whole

> > m> family, extended included, still has a problems remembering or

> > m> understanding that I can't drink soda, eat rolls, bagels,

pasta,

> get

> > m> stuck sometimes, have PANCAKES....my daughter made them

special

> for

> > m> us one morning....I just sat down took a few small bites and

> almost

> > m> started crying.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Lots of people we talk to about it says-Yeah I know what your

talking about,I get that reflux stuff all the time too.If they only

knew!

Once close family was explained about achalasia they understand how

bad it is.

Tonia

>

> I would just like to know how many of you all have the support of

> family? and how many think it's not as bad as we say it is?

> or even co-workers? I guess this could have gone under polls lol

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi

My husband not only supports me in dealing with Achalasia, he can tell

when I can't swallow, hears when my breathing is difficult,sees the

pain when I have spasms, and can tell by looking at my eyes when I am

having a bad day. He also orders two glasses of water for me when we

eat out, and he understands when I am down in the dumps from dealing

with this and unemployment. He's a treasure!

Jo in Southwest Michigan

>

> I would just like to know how many of you all have the support of

> family? and how many think it's not as bad as we say it is?

> or even co-workers? I guess this could have gone under polls lol

>

>

[Guest guest]

I have always had support of my family and friends, probably because it

has been more than half my life. My family all know that when I am

having trouble swollowing something they are not to say " are you ok? "

for some reason I panick more and it takes longer to go down. I don't

know what I would do if I didn't have support and have never even

thought of that. I don't go anywhere without a bottle of water.

What I find just amazing is all the symptoms you all have and some of

the same things I have always done are similar and it is nice to know

that there are others who totally totally understand. I always thought

when I told a doctor that if I drink water or milk it sometimes goes

away, he thought I was crazy. I was told at 22 when they discovered

this that it was extremely rare and usually only happens in elderly. I

know different now. I am so glad I came across this support group.

When the doctors found out what I had, I spent 2 years going to doctors

and finally was referred to a psychologist who then sent me to a

stomach doctor. I really thought I was going crazy back then.

Again thanks for this site!

>

> I would just like to know how many of you all have the support of

> family? and how many think it's not as bad as we say it is?

> or even co-workers? I guess this could have gone under polls lol

>

>