x-post - My very special day (very long)

[Guest guest]

This is really long, gab a cup of coffee!!!!

My one year Bandiversary was yesterday. Since my date is so close to

Thanksgiving, I now think of Thanksgiving in a whole new way and boy

do I have a lot to be thankful for! What a difference a year can

make. I wanted to take stock in how different my life has really

become. I was depressed and hopeless; I truly thought that I would

have to live the rest of my life severely over weight. I was tired

all the time, no energy, ate constantly yet always-felt hungry. The

future for my health looked very bleak. I already had high blood

pressure, high cholesterol and lot of joint pain. I never wanted to

go anywhere. I just kept getting bigger and bigger.

Wait let me back up. Once I hit puberty I began my lack of control

with food. I also started a slow climb in my weight. I truly felt

like such a failure that I couldn't get this part of my life under

control. I would always promise myself; tomorrow I will start my

diet, after this candy bar no more, Monday, new years on and on and

on. Every time I would fail this in turn tore away at my will and

integrity. This is a full blow addiction. I got nagged about my

weight, and the looks of disappointment from a mother's eyes that

you don't measure up can tear you down. I managed to stay chubby-

ish until just after I go married and then became pregnant 15years

ago. Then I really spiraled out of control, packing on the weight.

Twice in these past 15 years I managed to pull some weight off and

after months of hard work I would put it all (plus some) back on in

a moment.

Fast forward to a little over a year ago. I was so dejected from

gaining back the weight AGAIN, that I was on depression medication.

I talked to my husband about how I felt like I had exhausted

everything I could to get myself under control and healthy and I

just couldn't take failing anymore. I told him that I wanted to

look into my last resort, stomach bypass (stomach stapling). I said

that this was my last hope. I was so scared because the surgery

seemed so extreme to me. But I was willing to try this one last

time. As I researched about the procedure, I came across the

LapBand. It was like fate, this was exactly what I wanted. I

approached my hubby and he was completely supportive. Within no

time I was on a plane and having the procedure done. I was scared

to death but pretended to be brave.

Time passes, I heal, I get a fill, I start to lose weight get more

fills lose more weight and my obsession with food seems to nearly

gone away. I am actually very confused by this. I start to gain

some confidence. People are asking me what I am doing to lose

weight, and I don't lie, I say eating less and moving more. But I

don't tell them the whole truth. Basically no one knows about my

band. It is my secret weapon. I keep it a secret because I still

wasn't sure if it was really going to work and stay working. I

didn't want the criticism about mutilating my body only to have

failed again. Knowing in my mind it was my last hope, I had a lot

riding on this. It was expensive and didn't want to feel like I had

been " taken " again by another diet craze. So I decided that if I

get within a couple pounds of goal and I maintain my weight for a

year I will begin to tell my friends and loved ones about my secret

weapon. My extended families all have weight issues and I don't

want to give them false hope. False hope is a cruel thing to do to

someone. We all know that!

So now it is one year from my surgery date. I have just arrived at

my goal weight just a few days ago and have been maintaining within

a few pounds of this weight for at least a month now. That alone is

totally amazing to me. This time next year I will hopefully be

telling everyone about my secret weapon. I am truly free. I have

my bad days, but they are few. I am free of feeling like a failure

and this is expanding to all sorts of aspects of my life. I am

demanding better pay at work. I am standing my ground and

socializing more. I am free of the minute-by-minute all consuming

obsession with food. I go hours without even thinking about food.

I am more productive, I am healthy and strong. I have stamina. I

don't sleep as much, but have huge amounts of energy. I smile a

lot. I am enjoying clothes, beauty and fashion for the first time

in ages. I can wear my wedding dress, and in fact if I were to get

all the excess skin removed from my waist it would be too big. I've

hiked up some tough hikes that I would in no way have even attempted

being over weight. I am clearer headed; I think that all the weight

sort of had me in a fog. Actually that is a good way to look at

it. The fog has lifted.

I don't want it to sound like losing weight has made me a better

person but it has in some ways. Through this process, I have been

working on myself and truly trying to learn from everything that has

happened along the way. I would often tell my band support buddy

that when I would hit those weight plateaus, I really believed some

of them were because emotionally I wasn't ready to move to the next

level. Once the emotional barrier was faced and dealt with I would

drop the pounds again until the next barrier. The band was truly a

tool. It suppressed my hunger, decreased my ability to eat very much

and sometimes it played bad cop when I wasn't doing right by my

band. I loved that. It was hard stay in denial when you are

sliming due to overeating, eating to fast or the wrong thing.

I am feeling liberated and free. I am skeptical but less everyday.

I am beginning to trust myself and believe in myself and definitely

love myself.

Are there negatives to being thinner? There are some but not many.

The extra skin is a bummer. I was quiet heavy through my stomach

and that leftover stuff is yucky. If I ever get rich it is the fist

thing to be dealt with. It is winter and I am cold a lot. I know

that by this time next year, my body will have adjusted and it won't

feel so cold. Here is a weird one for me. Attention, I get lots of

it. I guess I am not a big fan of attention. Having people who

haven't seen me in while, staring and staring at me. They begin

grilling me for answers. It is unnerving. I defiantly don't like

guys eyeing me. I feel very vulnerable. I know when I was heavy

people stared at me but somehow I felt non threatened and

insignificant. This staring is different and I am trying to get

used to it and trying to deal with my feeling regarding it. If that

is all I have to complain about I have it pretty good.

I want to thank the Lapband, Dr and his amazing staff. I

was so fortunate to find a high quality doctor, who really wants the

best for his patients. Thank you to all of you out there in the

cyber word for being tools for my journey. Thank you to my son and

hubby for standing by me through this journey. Eating my leftovers

or letting me take a tiny bite from their plates, just for a taste.

They both have been a tremendous support as well as allowing me my

space to process all the ups and downs of this new road I am

traveling. But mostly I want to thank myself for giving it one more

try, to want to have hope again, to shut out my fears and take a

leap of faith and to be brave. To know that I was hiding from life

and that isn't how I really wanted to live. THANK YOU, THANK YOU,

THANK YOU!

H

Dr

Banded 11/30/04

211/133/135 (4ft 11.5inches) I have posted pictures.

My goal was originally set thinking that I would get to 135 and see

how that felt for a while see if it is reasonable to maintain and go

from there. There are always more goals to achieve!