Guest guest Posted July 19, 2008 Report Share Posted July 19, 2008 i am just checking in. my one year anniversary of being banded has just passed and i have lost a total of 165 pounds. i am now at 214. it is the hardest road i could ever imagine, but also the most rewarding. still I get very upset that i cannot eat sometimes and sometimes wish i hadnt gotten the surgery at all ---and then i laugh because it is just my inner voice of destruction talking. it is easier to hear that voice now and it used to make me cry and it also had control over me, but now i let it pass and laugh. it IS easier to be invisible!! society shuns the severely obese like the plague--which gave me certain freedoms that i miss very much. i like going unnoticed. the " OH MY GODDDDS " still make me very uncomfortable. i have never been a normal weight and so i have had to slowly LEARN that changes in appearance is SHOCKING to other people --and it is OKAY for them to be shocked and, in turn, shock me back. it is okay. and in time it is just accepted for what it is; me becoming healthier and happier. ....if they like it or not. (which a good many people do not (friends AND family)...and i have lost my best friend who told me " i would always be that 400lb person on the inside and i did not deserve this happiness.....that the cost of the surgery stole joy away from my family " ....and they said this to my face... (i cannot convey how much meaner that was to me than just being called fat and laughed at by a friend or a stranger) ive learned people say such things as a means to control and manipulate me to believing i am not worth very much.... so they could feel power over me ..... i have come to learn that power is only as real as you believe it to be and is coveted by those with little self esteem and get their sense of worth by stealing it from me.) yep....my oldest of friends are now no more...they found comfort in using my self destruction and " out of control " tendencies as a means of feeling better about themselves. once i had started healing, things just went haywire and now i find myself alone.... however!!!! happier people are approaching me and becoming friends with me and i am learning to trust them and i am slowly gaining people in my life who make me smile and ALSO want health and so this beautiful new circle of change has opened up to me....and if i could convey that to anyone new, who is struggling...that is my one hope today..... that whole new circles of change form and the quality of your life is changed so much that i cannot begin to express the happinesses i feel, even if i DO miss being invisible. the freedoms of not being changed to all of these poisonous people and foods is just the most beautiful feeling in the world......being invisible is NOT WORTH the good that has come to my life. when i look in the mirror i do not know who i am. but i am learning who this person is and i am truly learning to love her and accept her. i cannot express to you how blessed i am to have had a chance to experience such an event. not many people truly 'learn' who they are and what they are capable of from the outside in and then inside out....and back again. i had stopped smoking a year before my surgery (may 5, 2006).....and when i think back to when i was smoking and weighted 379lbs. i have to take a deep breath and let her go...because that girl was so trapped....... little by little.......day by day.......hour by hour.......i am freeing myself from that body and mind set....and it is HARD WORK. but-------- i am checking in at the one year mark today. ........(2 year mark if you total the weight i lost the first year preparing for surgery) it takes time....but, ive used that time to gain experience and knowledge while im losing weight. i will share that last weekend i went to the zoo and never took one break or had to sit down..i walked all day long.....then, the next day my children and i went rock sliding and i slid down huge cliffs of rocks and walked back up a mountain of rock at least a half dozen times and then climbed 4 flights of stairs and walked another 1/4 mile to the car and did it all with a SMILE.......the joy in my childrens faces as i was sliding down those rocks or the pride in my husbands eyes is just.....................well, its humbling. who would think a 40 minute surgery would conjure so many different emotions in others and in Self.....i just thought i would lose weight! hahahahahahahahahaha ............... http://a152.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/93/l_474570bd649f5d12e3a9fa65bca3e\ 34f.png http://a461.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/53/l_2ccdfdfc2a54f6bbca6e81cba5ff7\ 01c.jpg i dont know how to upload pictures here, but those are the before and after pictures thusfar... everyone have a wonderful day and thank you for being such a wonderful community/sanctuary for me to share my journey. i am not a regular face, but i am always reading. xoxoxo mina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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