[Relationships] The Journey of Relationship Going From Here To Maturity...~By Kalechstein

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Inspiration and Transformation

Subject: Inspiration and

Transformation Newsletter for 11/05/07

Inspiration and

Transformation Newsletter

Lynne Namka, Ed. D.

Quote for the week:

“All healing is essentially

the release from fear.”

-- A Course in Miracles

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The Journey of Relationship Going From Here To Maturity...

By

Kalechstein

Relationships have been called the

best personal growth seminar in town. The purpose of being in relationship is

to give and receive love. It's that simple. When we have wounds that block

our ability to love and be loved, the purpose of relationship then becomes

healing...to help one another in removing the blocks to the awareness of

love’s presence. What are the tools to make such a journey? What does

it require of us?

When Venus (yes, my sweetie's name

is Venus) and I got together, we gradually realized two basic things:

#1- We were soul mates, life

partners, twin flames, or to bring it down to earth, a darn good match!

#2- If we didn't learn and

practice new communication skills and habits other than the ones that we had

absorbed from this culture, if we didn't stay committed to our personal

healing processes and work consciously with whatever would be coming up in a

self-responsible way, then #1 would be meaningless and this would be a short

and painful relationship filled with drama.

In other words, meeting the

'right' person is no insurance, and no substitute for the soul work of

developing relational skills that allowed for both closeness and autonomy.

Of course, this wasn't obvious

when we were dating and everything felt like a honeymoon. But, for the first

time in our relationship histories, we were both willing to do whatever it

took to survive and thrive beyond the honeymoon and power struggle stages.

So, Venus and I have gotten

grounded in certain practices and perspectives that work beautifully for us

and that we want to pass on. We have found that robust intimacy and

non-violent communication in this crazy world takes practice, practice,

practice, and that you don't need to wait until you meet the right person to

start learning or deepening the skills.

Here is an overview of what we

have learned so far in…

THE CLASSROOM OF RELATIONSHIP

Relationship Stage One

(Attraction, Honeymoon)

I applied to a great school and

I've been accepted! I'm on the top of the world! (And I blame my

partner for my joy...)

Relationship Stage Two (Friction,

Power Struggle)

Classes begin, homework is

assigned, egos bump heads... (And I blame my partner for my pain...)

Relationship Stage Three (Mature

Love)

Egos have been sandpapered smooth

enough to begin to give our unique partnership gifts to the world. (And I

thank God for our joy!)

Romantic Balloons and Bubbles That

Must Be Busted For Class to Proceed...

1. I can get all my needs met by

one person… my soul mate will do that for me.

2. The right person will make me

happy.

3. Having a partner will make my

life easier.

4. The ease and high of the

honeymoon stage should last forever and if it doesn't this person must not be

the 'one' for me.

5. Being in a relationship will

increase my self-esteem and add meaning to my life, putting an end to my

loneliness, issues of rejection, and feeling abandoned.

The Healing Path of Relationships

Unavoidable Relationship Facts

That Cause Great Suffering When Not Understood and Accepted

1. Love brings up anything unlike

itself for the purpose of healing and release. Trust the colonic... A

relationship will make the unconscious conscious so you can see (and smell)

your crap and choose out of it.

2. Your partner is your mirror,

not your savior, and will wind up treating you the way you secretly (or not

so secretly) treat yourself. That's a big motivator to make loving and

accepting yourself a top priority. wrote " You've been

better to me than I've been to myself. " That's a honeymoon stage fairy

tale. In real life your partner is your mirror, not your savior.

3. Welcome and prepare for

conflicts. Expecting them to occur is wise, not cynical. Your partner will

trigger the hell out of you at times. It’s part of their divine job

description. If you keep your feet on the ground then relationship won't

bring you to your knees. Have tools to use and agreements in place for when

buttons get pushed. Relationship will flush out issues of abandonment and entrapment,

encouraging you to stop abandoning yourself, prompting you to drop your masks

and outdated survival strategies, and assisting you to learn the delicate

dance between autonomy and intimacy, taking care of yourself and caring about

someone else.

4. Any unfinished business with

Mom and Dad, past partners or siblings, will eventually surface between you

and your partner. This is a great blessing and is part of how the universe

always moves us towards healing, completion, and mastery.

5. A conscious relationship is a

spiritual path. The purpose of a spiritual path is to disillusion you (remove

you from illusions). Embrace that and you grow into mature love. Resist that

and you suffer deeply. Eckhart Tolle reminds us that " The purpose of

relationship is not to make you happy. It is to make you conscious. "

RELATIONSHIP GROWTH IN FOUR

CHAPTERS

Chapter 1- You attract

re-enactments of your childhood wounding…i.e. an unavailable alcoholic,

a controlling mother, etc. You wonder why life is doing this to you. Where

are all the available men? Where are all the good women? Why am I being

deprived? What’s wrong with me? When will I be loved?

Chapter 2- You continue to attract

replicas of your history, but you are learning to respond in other ways

besides feeling like a victim. You recognize that the universe is out to heal

you by helping to bring your unresolved feelings to the surface for

resolution, and to give you the opportunity to complete with your past by

learning to respond differently. i.e. - instead of silently trembling in the

dark or acting out in punitive ways (childhood responses), the adult learns

to speak up directly and set boundaries, or even to say no and walk away.

Chapter 3- You attract someone who

is mostly different from your past but has the potential to act the part if

driven in that direction. They become an occasional replica of your history,

giving you plenty of practice in responding in other ways besides the limited

choices available in childhood.

Chapter 4- You eventually draw in

someone who is not at all like your controlling mother or your absent father

and you occasionally project your childhood story on to them and work through

the feelings without full blown suffering and constant drama. What's

relationship about then? It's about giving and receiving love, celebrating

life together, and serving the earth with your feet on the ground.

The Gift of Grief: Fully mourning

what you didn't get in childhood moves you through the chapters and prepares

you to be an adult who can bring realistic expectations to a relationship.

The Gift of Relationship: It will

bring you face to face with your unresolved childhood pain until your grief

work is completed.

Ways of Approaching Need

Fulfillment

1. Bulldozing: You put your needs

above everyone else's, and feel entitled to having them met at other people's

expense.

2. Yes, Dear: (A favorite of

spiritual people) In the name of transcending your ego, you act as if your

own needs are unimportant and unspiritual, and you judge yourself as unworthy

of having what you want. Inevitably, you deny you have needs and/or try to

get them met unconsciously, using strategies that helped you survive a

troubled childhood, i.e.- being passive aggressive, withholding, seducing,

blaming, manipulating, and guilt-tripping others into giving to you. By the

way, a 'needy' person is someone who is not giving themselves permission to

have needs, and so their needs leak out unconsciously,

bringing discomfort to everyone

around them.

3. The Middle Way: You practice

choosing assertive adult strategies, like asking for what you want directly

without demanding it. You realize that you can never really win if your

partner loses, and so you always go for a win-win. Also, you are willing and

able to meet your own needs or get them met elsewhere when your partner isn't

available. A child has limited choices, an adult always has plenty.

Some Things to Do While You Are

Single

1. Walk the path of being single

with your head held high. You are learning lessons of self-determination,

where you get to determine how you want to live, who you want to include in

your life, and what you want to accomplish on this earth. You don't

have the excuse to blame anything on anyone else. You get to fully accept the

responsibility for your state in life. Being single is a sacred and valid

spiritual path. Walk it with self-respect and dignity.

2. Since people (including your

next partner) will tend to treat you the way you treat yourself, spend time upgrading

your relationship with yourself, replacing the inner critical self-talk with

a gentle, nurturing, loving inner parent.

3. Immerse yourself in the study

of communication skills, like Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication

(www.cnvc.org). When a relationship comes along and conflicts inevitably

arise, you'll want them.

4. Make loving yourself and giving

your gifts your most important areas of focus. When you get into a

relationship and you make it through the honeymoon stage these will remain

the two most important ingredients for both your personal happiness and

having a non-codependent, healthy relationship...LOVING YOURSELF & GIVING

YOUR GIFTS!

5. Get to know yourself, what you

stand for and what you won't stand for. Practice both standing firm in your

truth and the art of being flexible. You'll need both in an intimate

relationship.

6. Live your life to the fullest.

Accept the possibility that you may never have a partner and live life as if

it's your complete responsibility to live out your dreams and make yourself

happy right now. Practice the most difficult Yoga posture of all: Standing on

your own two feet!

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Peace and Joy,

Lynne Namka, Happy Psychologist

Permission given for reprinting

this article from Kalechstein, Aug. 2007

Kalechstein is a traveling

minister, a counselor and coach, a modern day troubadour and inspirational

speaker. He makes his home in Marin,

California and loves presenting at

conferences, giving talks, concerts and workshops, sometimes with his beloved

partner, Venus Elyse, (www.innerwings.com).

In his phone counseling practice, he is a relationship specialist, helping

both individuals and couples heal, manifest, and awaken into conscious

relationship. Call 415-721-2954 to schedule a session, or email him at

scott@.... You can visit http://www.scottsongs.com

to read more about his workshops, to hear his talks or to sample songs from

his nine CDs. Send him an email to

receive writings like this one on

a semi-occasional basis. His music has been described as 'the soundtrack of

transformation' and can be sampled at www.scottsongs.com.

It does come with the following warning: Kalechstein's songs are not

intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any illness or medical condition. If

while listening you laugh your head off and your heart opens and symptoms

still persist, please see your doctor.

, our newsletter editor, can

be contacted at inspirationcontact@....

She will be willing to field

questions regarding the content of the newsletter, your comments or your

written contributions. Please remember that neither she nor I can

provide you with any advice of a personal nature. But help is out there

somewhere! Do reach out and get a qualified professional to help you

sort through your issues. Please check out my web site http://www.AngriesOut.com for ideas and numerous

downloadable articles on a wide range of subjects. You can also click

on the ‘Finding a Therapist’ link to take you to the section

entitled, “Finding a Competent Therapist with Great Training.”

Thank you to all who subscribe and

pass on this newsletter to those who want to stay motivated and in touch with

the global, nondenominational spiritual community.

“It doesn’t have to be

the way it’s always been,

We can break the pattern and start

again.”

-- Kritana song lyric

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