Confessions of a Star Patient

[Guest guest]

My surgery, on 12/22, followed the course I've so often read on

these boards. It was a BREEZE. I flew from the LeftCoast to Orlando

the night before and woke excited, grateful, so sure of this plan of

action...a feeling which left only briefly when I was gowned and

capped (no Pomp and Circumstance) and fear bit me with " WHAT the

@#$!% are you DOING??? " . But then I was asleep before I ever met the

Anesthesiologist.

I woke with no pain, only a sense of fullness - knowing my belly had

been in the sure surgical care of Dr. P. I began walking the minute

my bed was secured in my room and continued through the night at two

hour intervals. I took pain meds once to get in a nap (almost 4

sequential hours) since I hadn't slept much before the surgery. What

I remember most is those wonderful amazing nurses congratulating me

and repeating how PROUD Dr. P was going to be of me! That's a tonic

that made me not only walk but dance! Ask the nurses, they'll verify.

I don't know about anyone else out there, but among the many reasons

for having this surgery was my keen awareness that I cannot trust

myself with food. I've tried, believe me. I'm even a Health Food

type, but in a contest between me and sugar or refined carbs...I'm

defeated. I was sure that battle would be over once the MGB was done.

Here's one confession. The food still calls to me.

The support of my family was amazing. I had a room to be alone in,

but other than that was surrounded by loving sibs, neices and nephews

for the entire 2 weeks I was in Orlando and Atlanta. But it was the

holidays, and food was EVERYwhere!!! I found myself tasting bits of

this, bites of that, chewing copiously hoping that the shame of not

following directives would go down as easily as the bits of chocolate,

rare grilled steak, pumpkin custard and such did. Alas, the shame

that has always attached itself to my addictive struggles with food is

still here.

I'm back home in Oregon now, legally at Phase 2 (though I never

rightly followed Phase 1) and I'm being much more careful and aware.

In go the vitamins, calcium citrate and tummy protectors. I drink

non-fat non-flavored yogurt mixed with whey protein in smoothies, eat

it with applesauce and flax meal. I'm always sipping from my

electrolyte " Heart of Florida Medical Center " mug. I keep crackers

and pretzels with salt at hand and puree soups and veggies with

chicken stock. Still, bits of emotional panic nip at me. I wasn't

compliant. Hell, I'm a radical nonconformist type who's NEVER been

compliant. But I was so SURE I would be this time. And now those

niggling voices are saying " that's it! you really screwed this

up...17K for a surgery and you didn't follow orders...you'll be lucky

if you lose 30lbs " . I've chosen this journey to grow healthier, not

only physically but emotionally and spiritually. I want to trust

myself, even with food. As I now face the unemployment and lack of

benefits put on pause to prioritize this surgery, I want to experience

success in moving forward vocationally too.

Thank you all for slogging through this with me. I know it's been a

long post, but the primary question is this. Has anyone else

experienced these struggles, felt like you're going to fail with this

tool too? If so, thank you for being present with me in your honesty

and support. Yes, I wanted to make Dr. P proud! He is an amazing

surgeon and overall fabulous Italian guy! But moreso I want to be

proud of me. This is my confession and prayer, that, even with all my

foibles and struggles, I will find my way to a healthier, happier, Pegi!

Happy New Year...full of blessings and possibilities!