Wearing my Heart on my Sleeve: I'm not Good Enough

[Guest guest]

Wearing my Heart on my Sleeve: " I'm not Good Enough "

by Dayu D'Sa

[ Writing my Myth. Someday, I will Re-Write it. That's my promise to me. ]

Have any of you ever felt " Not good enough " ? Well, meet the Princess of

" Not-Good-Enough-s " .... Oui, moi. Repeated abandonment...it's enough to leave

one feeling that way. Some little spark of rational thinking in the midst of

all these tears leads me really really question this flimsy belief system. Was

it me who was not good enough, or was it simply that because I believed I was

not good enough from a whole century back, that I attracted other life events to

help me " justify " my false belief system, or perpetration.

You know how Meryl Beck (of Inspirational Words) was talking about turning

weakness into strength, in her post to her list a few days ago? Well, how do

you all percieve me? As someone who is not good enough or someone who has

possibly some small measure of competency?

I think today I may have just gotten to the core root event that initially

triggered this belief system of not being good enough.

And here's what may well be the core event....something that happened to me a

hundred years ago. Not in this body. In another lifetime... and the memories

are just coming in. A tale of a prince and a princess. A prince who loves a

princess, and whom the princess loves dearly.... more than life itself. What

exactly happens that leads him to make the decision to abandon her in favor of

another is not clear. But abandon her he does. She is totally devastated.

Totally. Completely. She is left with the belief system, " I am not good

enough. " She eventually marries another. And is happy. But the memory of

abandonment and unrequited love persists.

Now here is some support from my rational side, just coming in: If HE abandoned

you, how on earth does that make YOU not good enough? It actually makes him the

one who is the ditcher, the deserter. He may have had his reasons. He probably

did. But how can one surmise from the act of another, one's own worthiness or

lack thereof? It makes no sense at all. Yet, I have lived my whole life

believing this to be true: call it my weakness. And in compensation, I have

strived... and strived... and strived... and strived....to be good enough... in

everything I've undertaken. To the best of my darndest ability... so that some

day, somebody out there may not find out the " truth " that I wasn't good

enough.... and figure out " This person does not belong here with us... she's a

fraud... she's not really one of us... she's just pretending to be good

enough... unlike the rest of us... who really are good enough. " Tears. Tears.

Tears. A catharsis.

This whole remembering the past has put me into a " Holly " , " Mustard " and

" Impatiens " state. Impatiens helps with impatience. Mustard states bring on a

sudden feelings/states of unexplained depression, that come and go... the worst

part about Mustard is that you don't know when it's going to hit you.

" Holly " ... well, that's for... can't remember. Will look it up. Add to that

" Olive " for sheer exhaustion.

Some background: here is one other Present Life event that also made me feel

like that.... that I'm not good enough....

One of these I'm not good enough root memories came to light after the

November EPC in Toronto. Does anyone remember reading this post in December?

My infinite gratitude for God's grace in helping me connect with Pat Yoder at

the conference that evening... it made all the difference.... there is such a

synchronicity at these Energy Psych Conferences, folks... that one is attracted

to meet all the right people at the right time....) ) ) ) ....she helped

me personalize iSt 9x9, by pointing out my eye position as I was tuning into an

accident in which I witnessed a death. Thanks to that, I healed so much later

that night... and really and truly began to use iSt 9x9 as one of the best

diagnostic tools for working with dissociative parts of ourselves, that tend to

hide, and resist treatment. WITH iSt 9x9.... healing those dissociative parts

is a breeze. Pat (Yoder), if you are reading this.... my infinite gratitude for

the time you took to explain and give me individual attention that evening.

That event, that personal attention, made a BIG, HUGE difference in my

understanding of iSt 9x9... and in integrating its use into my life and the

lives of my clients, and possibly other lurking or participating listmembers,

too.

From: " D'Sa " <ddsa@s...>

Date: Fri Dec 7, 2001 2:33 pm

Subject: Re: [Tap 'n B Free] Progressive Wins

EmotionalFreedomTechniques/message/448

Lyn, I know exactly what you're talking about. There is a way around that.

When you use Integrative States Therapy (9X9 iSt) and check in which head and

eye position you have a dissociative block to further treatment, then one can

clear the remnants of any leftover clearing or treatment. Often it is a life

event that has occurred which is resistant to treatment or healing.

My first realization of this was when I was speaking to Pat Yoder, one of the

iSt Research presenters at the conference, and I was mentioning an event in

which I witnessed the death of another person. She pointed out to me which eye

position I was using, and when I muscle tested it, sure enough, it was a weak

in that position. So she suggested either blinking in that head/eye position

or doing whatever Energy Psychology treatment that is being used (EFT, BSFF,

EMDR,etc.) but doing it IN THAT POSITION. Due to this amazing discovery, I was

able to clear two of my memories of deaths (of others), both in accidents, one

a road accident that I witnessed as a child, and one a construction accident

in

a University where I was teaching Mathematics for Business. Since this

learning about iSt, I have used this technique for myself and my clients with

really absolutely AMAZING results... we end up with COMPLETE and PERMANENT

healing processes. I often add in an " I Trust " clearing at the end, so the

person has confidence and faith that the work is really cleared permanently

and

completely. Nowadays, I often use Dr. Larry Nims' BSFF or Instant BSFF

combined with iSt (when needed). It has cut down my treatment time incredibly!

And it has totally given me the confidence that no matter what a client needs

to work on, there is a fail-safe way of clearing it!!! The website for iSt is

http://www.integrativestates.com/ and for BSFF is

http://www.besetfreefast.com/

Another experience of using iSt was a head/eye position, which when I kept

blinking in that position, brought up a memory :I'm looking under a bed and

asking my sister to play with me. She's hiding under the bed, and is hurt or

bleeding, and doesn't want to play. The emotions that come up are " I'm not

good enough. " The age capacity is 1 year old. The emotions are painful, but

the freedom from that ridiculous negative core belief system is a blessed

relief, and well worth the effort. Thank God for Don Elium's great research

into this field. Apparently it is an ongoing 9-year Researech Project. I am

grateful to him and his research team, and to the presenters who shared it

with

us all at the Energy Psych. conference in Toronto. I really recommend going to

these conferences, if you are practicing any Energy Psych. therapies. You not

only get new learning, but a much broader perspective on Energy Psychology.

Yesterday, I healed another dissociative part with iSt 9x9. For so long now,

after my car accident, I have been feeling a nagging sense of apprehension if a

car approaches me from the right at an intersection. In the accident I had

recently, the car had run a red light and hit me from the right side. For some

reason, in a lot of my iSt 9x9 clearing sessions, it is always the same eye

position that I test weak for ...bottom right (if one were looking at a

tic-tac-toe grid). Any idea why that is, Pat (Yoder)? Pat (Esborg)? Debby?

? Don? I wonder if I have reached and healed all core issues in that

position yet, or will the layers keep uncovering themselves over a period of

time???

To continue... each time I crossed a traffic light, I'd feel a small nudge, and

twinge of anxiety. I kept telling myself that I'll stop and clear it with a

blinking process correction (plus bsff, if needed) as soon as I made the time.

But I never did. I've been so swamped with deadlines and this busy life this

month. I even muscle-tested EXACTLY which eye position it was... bottom right

once again....while driving... m-testing with one hand.. middle

finger-over-the-index finger... so I knew what I had to heal...but I had to make

the time. I wondered if I should do it while driving, but figured it would be

too risky to look down and to the right while driving!!!! So I kept saying I'll

do it in a short 5 minute period I have free sometime between activities in my

life.

Well, yesterday, I had announced that I would be posting another iSt 9x9 success

to the list. Well, now I had no choice, I had to do it, otherwise I couldn't

post it!!!! So on my way to the pool to go for a morning swim yesterday, I

felt the anxiety while crossing the traffic lights again... and made a

resolution to " do it now! " Pulled over, and started blinking in the bottom

right position, adding in the bsff algorithm: " subconscious mind: treat that;

car accident " . Many many personal insights were offered to me in that clearing,

for which I am truly grateful. And while swimming laps, I integrated a lot of

them. Some of it had to do with the memory of this lifetime 100 years ago.. and

my feelings of " not being good enough " because I felt deeply rejected... oh, so

very deeply rejected.

I will NOW test to see if there are any more eye/head positions left to clear

this event. Testing. Top right. Middle right. Bottom right. Testing

priority... which eye position to treat first? Bottom right!! [sometimes when

you do the one which is a first priority, the rest automatically get healed

too.] So I am blinking to treat.

Blinking. Crying. I am so tired and exhausted. There's too much on my plate.

20 hours (plus homework time) of school added to the needs of a burgeoning and

blossoming practice simply does not add up or fit into my life right now. I

want to learn, but not at this rapid pace. There must be another way to do it.

I am sure I can learn on my own, at my own pace. And God will provide many

teachers along the way, I'm sure. Should I quit school? The decision will be

made after discussion with my family. At least I've tuned in to the problem.

That is half the job done. Relief. Blessed relief. Thank you, God.

Gratitude. I know it'll all work out. I affirm, I know it'll all work out.

For the highest good of all concerned.

Retesting all 3 previously weak eye positions. All 3 now testing strong.

Cheers... they've all cleared.

Yet another iSt 9x9 success.

My thanks to Don Elium and the team of 8 who are part of that iSt 9x9 Research

team. And their dedication to keep teaching these Integrative States Techniques

despite the fact that not all findings are in and Research is progressively

being done on it. If you can catch one of their breakout sessions at one of the

3 energy psych conferences this year, folks, do so. Phoenix, Oxford, Toronto.

You may well find the key to healing your past in an easy and dynamic way....

and move on in your life in ways you would have never imagined. As I have. And

I will. In this case too.

That's where I'm at this morning. Someday I will rewrite my myth. Someday.

With all my love to you friends reading this story,

Dayu

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Dayawanti D'Sa, BBA (Finance & Banking)

Applied Kinesiologist dayudsa@...

Certified Kalos Health Facilitator Trainer (www.kalos.org)

EFT, BSFF, TAT, iSt 9x9, Silva Method, Creative Healing Massage, Reiki,

Cranio-Sacral

Member: Nat'l Assoc of Naturopaths, Montreal, Canada

Moderator: [Tap 'n B Free] www./group/EmotionalFreedomTechniques