[Tap 'n B Free] Re: BSFF/EFT/Nels & Kathy

[Guest guest]

Hi and ,

I completely agree with what you wrote , and too. I just want to

highlight the extreme damage people do when they tell us we " can't heal " until

we forgive. Yes, we can.

In their book, The Courage To Heal, Eileen Bass and say it is NOT

necessary to forgive the perpetrator in order to heal. That was a liberating

statement for me, a survivor of childhood rape. As long as I had that sword

hanging over my neck - that I had to forgive - I was so stuck in rage I

couldn't move on. Once I knew it was ok if I NEVER forgave the perp, I was able

to

begin to heal.

I think it is an atrocity to tell us we must " forgive. " I think it is the

absolute lowest and worst kind of abuse to tell us that. It is just plain

cruel.

I know my language is strong, but this is a very important issue and I cannot

impress enough on healers how important this is to someone's well-being.

Some of us cannot get well until we know we don't have to forgive.

I've been working on this issue since I finally remembered it 17 years ago.

I still have not forgiven and I have no intention of ever doing it. I

understand why these people were so dysfunctional. Sometimes I even feel sorry

for

them. But, forgive? Never!!!!

Muse

> >I think asking people to forgive before

> >they have reached that point naturally is an abuse of

> >the worst kind and sensitive therapists know that and

> >deal with that issue every day. They do not guilt

> >people into a state of forgiveness. People will arrive

> >at a place of forgiveness, hopefully when the issue is

> >over and done with. Are their any short cuts? You tell

> >me? I don't think so. Yours,

>

> I totally agree with you.

> Forgiveness is an outcome of the healing process, not something that

> people should be " guilted " into.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

> --- musicalpaint@... wrote:

> >Hi and ,

> >

> >I completely agree with what you wrote , and

> > too. I just want to

> >highlight the extreme damage people do when they

> >tell us we " can't heal " until

> >we forgive. Yes, we can.

>

>

> I remember that this was a phase in certain circles of

> therapy to do this. Years ago. I too have been stuck

> in that same place with the idea of you won't be well

> till you forgive belief. Certainly stops the process

> flat out.

Yes! It did that in my case too!

> >In their book, The Courage To Heal, Eileen Bass and

> > say it is NOT

> >necessary to forgive the perpetrator in order to

> >heal. That was a liberating

> >statement for me, a survivor of childhood rape. As

> >long as I had that sword

> >hanging over my neck - that I had to forgive - I was

> >so stuck in rage I

> >couldn't move on. Once I knew it was ok if I NEVER

> >forgave the perp, I was able to

> >begin to heal.

>

>

>

> Yes, and then the person can take his/her own power

> back in this. And it is natural and freeing to decide

> without coercion.

Yes. I think so. Or, to never forgive and that's ok too.

> >I think it is an atrocity to tell us we must

> > " forgive. " I think it is the

> >absolute lowest and worst kind of abuse to tell us

> >that. It is just plain

> >cruel.

> >

> >I know my language is strong, but this is a very

> >important issue and I cannot

> >impress enough on healers how important this is to

> >someone's well-being.

> >Some of us cannot get well until we know we don't

> >have to forgive.

>

>

> Thank you for this. It is an eye-opener.

You're welcome! :-)

> >I've been working on this issue since I finally

> >remembered it 17 years ago.

> >I still have not forgiven and I have no intention of

> >ever doing it. I

> >understand why these people were so dysfunctional.

> >Sometimes I even feel sorry for

> >them. But, forgive? Never!!!!

> >

> >Muse

> >

>

> I may myself will probably reach the point where I

> will forgive, I'm working on that, but I will never

> ever forget.

As long as what you do is comfortable for you and you're not forcing yourself

to forgive. I think that's what matters.

Muse

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Ole,

> Just want to say that I found it very useful what you wrote.

> When you write:

> > If there was ever a definition of psychological reversal, that

must

> > be it!

>

> do you mean that guilt and projected quilt (quilt seen in others)

is the main psychological reversals? Or did you mean the pressure to

foregive the (not yet) unforgivable creates reversal?

No I didn't mean guilt is always the reason for reversal - there are

a million reasons for that!

But I did mean the pressure.

Anytime there is a " should " instead of a " want to " then there is

likely to be resistance to doing the thing - and this can be enough

to bring about a reversal.

I think this occurs even when you " want to " and someone else comes

along and tells you you " should " .

(You know how annoying it is when someone tells you to do something

you were already planning to do?)

In my EFT workshop for corporate groups where a team or colleagues

are learning together, I emphasise it is important that each person

does EFT for themselves and does not start telling other people when

to do EFT (e.g. a manager seeing an upset or angry staff member and

telling them to do EFT to sort themselves out). I say this for the

very same reason - in this situation the staff member is probably not

going to feel good about doing the EFT just because someone told them

to - and this will set up a reversal.

The only way it would work is if they got rid of the reversal by

saying " Even though I don't want to do what my manager told me.... "

etc.

Again, it's a power relationship issue. By " making " someone do EFT

you take away their choice and their power - and most of us quite

naturally set up resistances (reversals) to people who do that to us.

But it gets (naturally) extended to anything about that person and

especially to the thing they are " making " us do.

It's like that new age saying: " What you resist, persists " .

I guess this is one very tangible way that this saying is true!

Cheers