Looking for suggestions

[Guest guest]

, I can feel the pain that your going through.This is a hard one . When

e 's mom was small I had her with me 24 hrs a day. I did all my work

with her on my hip. Showered with her on my hip.Even if she fell asleep ,she

new if I got up,and would wake up!When she got older and was able to talk

she would tell me that if I ever died to tell she Jesus to bring her up too.

It will get better ,I didn't get help,didn't know a thing about OCD. She is

still VERY close to us.Try not to listen to people when they tell you what a

big baby he is ,believe me I've heard them all. There is something wrong

with you son,try to get him some help. Hang in there ! Love Beth in IN.

Looking for suggestions

> From: cinners@...

>

> Hi all,

> I would really love some advice from everyone as well as Dr. Chansky. My

12 year old son's biggest OCD fear is seperating from me. It's been like

this for about 2 years, though it does come and go as everyone involved with

OCD children well know. It's really getting to me though. If I have to

leave town even if it's only 30 - 60 miles away for a few hours, it's

terrible. The only person I can leave him with is my mom and I have to go

through terrible panic, crying and lately, anger outbursts before I leave.

Once I manage to leave, he is able to calm down within 30 minutes to an

hour, but the turmoil we all go through before hand just doesn't seem worth

it. I feel like I'm running out of " fight " but I know if I don't continue

to do this it will only get worse. I just keep thinking that after a few

times it will get better but it doesn't. He's terrified that if I get on

the interstate I will be in a car crash and die. He wants to go with me so

that he " will die too " because he " wouldn't be able to live without me. " To

make matters worse, I work in his school building so he is constantly coming

in my office for reassurance and I feel like I never get away from him. I'm

a single parent and he doesn't have a good relationship with his father (dad

thinks OCD is " a load of crap " and that he's just being a " baby " ). Does

anyone else go through this kind of seperation anxiety with a child this

old? It's a lot easier to deal with when the child is younger and it's more

age appropriate. I'd really appreciate any advice anyone has or hearing

similar stories!

> Thanks for caring,

> in Virginia

>

> > You may subscribe to the OCD-L by emailing

> listserv@... .

> In the body of your message write:

> subscribe OCD-L your name.

> The archives for the OCD and

> Parenting List may be accessed by going to

> .

> Enter your email address and password.

> Click on the highlighted list name and then click on index.

>

[Guest guest]

,

I don't go through seperation stuff like that, but my son is like that just

at home. I don't know why! He's 8 (9 in two weeks) and I, too, work at his

school. He's constantly running over to me during the day, when he sees me

and says, " Remember, be at my bus stop! " Like I'm going to forget!! He

just has to say it everyday, several times and it drives me crazy!!! The

mornings are the worst! I need to get ready and he follows me all over our

SMALL 600 square foot home! He won't be in the living room by himself, so

if I'm in the bathroom...guess where he is?!! In there with me! I can

barely get myself ready in the morning. he nags and nags for me to get

ready in the living room. Today I felt locked in a prison. No space for

myself. And I'm so tired of tying his shoes! He has to have them so tight

that I'm just waiting to break a shoe lace. I feel bad that I feel this

way, but it gets so frustrating and it's so hard for me to stay calm

sometimes because I just need my space. Sooo, he has the seperation thingy,

but only if I'm in a different room in the house. Sometimes he has it at

night where he's afraid to fall asleep because he thinks he's going to wake

up and find me murdered. I wish this stuff would go away.

Hang in there. Easier said than done, huh?

Hugs,

Looking for suggestions

> From: cinners@...

>

> Hi all,

> I would really love some advice from everyone as well as Dr. Chansky. My

12 year old son's biggest OCD fear is seperating from me. It's been like

this for about 2 years, though it does come and go as everyone involved with

OCD children well know. It's really getting to me though. If I have to

leave town even if it's only 30 - 60 miles away for a few hours, it's

terrible. The only person I can leave him with is my mom and I have to go

through terrible panic, crying and lately, anger outbursts before I leave.

Once I manage to leave, he is able to calm down within 30 minutes to an

hour, but the turmoil we all go through before hand just doesn't seem worth

it. I feel like I'm running out of " fight " but I know if I don't continue

to do this it will only get worse. I just keep thinking that after a few

times it will get better but it doesn't. He's terrified that if I get on

the interstate I will be in a car crash and die. He wants to go with me so

that he " will die too " because he " wouldn't be able to live without me. " To

make matters worse, I work in his school building so he is constantly coming

in my office for reassurance and I feel like I never get away from him. I'm

a single parent and he doesn't have a good relationship with his father (dad

thinks OCD is " a load of crap " and that he's just being a " baby " ). Does

anyone else go through this kind of seperation anxiety with a child this

old? It's a lot easier to deal with when the child is younger and it's more

age appropriate. I'd really appreciate any advice anyone has or hearing

similar stories!

> Thanks for caring,

> in Virginia

>

> > You may subscribe to the OCD-L by emailing

> listserv@... .

> In the body of your message write:

> subscribe OCD-L your name.

> The archives for the OCD and

> Parenting List may be accessed by going to

> .

> Enter your email address and password.

> Click on the highlighted list name and then click on index.

>

>

[Guest guest]

, , others,

You are all so put off by the third legs you are walking with - and I

dont blame you!! I've had similar situations, but handled them differently

than you have been... let me explain. I am also drawing on my experience as

a social worker...

, I'm going to use your examples! He follows you to the bathroom,

wants to have eye contact with you at all times, asks for reassurance that

you will be where you are expected to be, you are tying his shoelaces, ....

Ok? Now, the work: Sit down with your child and make a list with him of

all the things that irritate, frustrate, make you feel trapped, or just

plain dont understand why you are doing it Each of you number the items from

1 - 10, 1 is the least concern, to 10 the worst. Examine the two lists, and

find common items. Say for example, tying the shoe laces is highly stressful

for the kids, but not for you, the eye contact gives him reassurance that

you are there, but as long as you can go about your business, this isnt too

bad, but the bathroom privacy is important, because you want to be alone

sometimes and the door has a lock! Reluctantly he agrees that privacy is

necessary sometimes, so you decide that this is something you both want to

work on....

The action: Using this example, you work on taking it off the list. Decide,

with your child, what can be changed to allow you more privacy, and would be

least stressful. Perhaps, the door need not be closed and locked, but can be

closed, with a him sitting outside the door. Too much, ok, what does he

suggest? door open 12 " ? can YOU live with this? go from there.... each week

or whenever you feel ready, re-examine the list and determine if you can

work on something else, or can you push a little farther on the goals....

This is basic cognitive behavioural therapy = but you are the enabler and

you have to be determined to stop allowing it. That is reason that I have

suggested that you are part of each stage and that you identify what is

bothering YOU. If you step back, you will notice that for each new

behaviour you accepted, within a short time, another came up? You see? this

is when we talk about not doing the ocders any good bye giving in to their

demands.

We once had to stand and watch tom do his bedtime (after 10:00pm) routines

for over an hour, and sometimes more than once in a night - until one day I

got up the nerve to say NO! I offered ways of compromise (start earlier,

limit the time...), but he wouldnt except them, so I quit cold turkey!! One

week of screaming, banging, swearing, making enough noise to disturb

everyone, he fought his demons and learned to put himself into bed without

us reassuring him. What a difference it made in our attitude! WE learned

that he could not control the household. That we have a say in what goes on

and that its our role as parents to set limits.

I have gone on long enough, so I'll stop here. Please understand that we

all go through this with our kids, just at different levels. When we are

exhausted, we just dont have the energy to keep up the battle, and that's

reality. But, believe me, a little bit of " bossing back " and you can regain

a lot of your personal space.

Big hugs, wendy in canada

[Guest guest]

,

I have to say again, I agree! And to and

it really does work!! As the saying goes, been there

done that.

Thanks again for putting it so well into words!

in PA

--- " W. Birk " <wb4@...> wrote:

<HR>

<html>

From: " W. Birk " & lt;wb4@...>

The archives for the OCD and

Parenting List may be accessed by going to

.

Enter your email address and password.

Click on the highlighted list name and then click on

index.

[Guest guest]

,

Thanks so much for this advice. We've been to the psychologist three times

and its just been filling out questionaires so far. He then has gone on

vacation for two weeks and we won't see him again until the 8th of October.

I'm gettting antsy to start this. And that's another thing I wanted to talk

to you and everyone else about. The fit throwing! Wow, if I do not give

into him, especially if it's about a friend coming over (of course, always

andy! He never wants to invite any of his other friends over) and I say,

" No " . He has the most biggest raging fit I've ever seen in an 8 year old

kid! This is awful, but it puts my stomach in a knot that alot of times I

just say yes so i dont' have to listen to it. He's so intense. He's so

black and white. He's either in a really bad mood or a really good mood.

He also tells me more things then his friends probably tell their parents

and I'm wondering if he has that need to confess obsession.

Anyways, i'm going to work on a list with him because I wake up at 6 am and

we leave at 8:45 am and I'm barely ready by this time!!!! I barely have

time to get myself ready in the mornings lately.

Thanks,

Re: Looking for suggestions

> From: " W. Birk " <wb4@...>

>

> , , others,

>

> You are all so put off by the third legs you are walking with - and I

> dont blame you!! I've had similar situations, but handled them differently

> than you have been... let me explain. I am also drawing on my experience

as

> a social worker...

>

> , I'm going to use your examples! He follows you to the bathroom,

> wants to have eye contact with you at all times, asks for reassurance that

> you will be where you are expected to be, you are tying his shoelaces,

.....

>

> Ok? Now, the work: Sit down with your child and make a list with him of

> all the things that irritate, frustrate, make you feel trapped, or just

> plain dont understand why you are doing it Each of you number the items

from

> 1 - 10, 1 is the least concern, to 10 the worst. Examine the two lists,

and

> find common items. Say for example, tying the shoe laces is highly

stressful

> for the kids, but not for you, the eye contact gives him reassurance that

> you are there, but as long as you can go about your business, this isnt

too

> bad, but the bathroom privacy is important, because you want to be alone

> sometimes and the door has a lock! Reluctantly he agrees that privacy is

> necessary sometimes, so you decide that this is something you both want to

> work on....

>

> The action: Using this example, you work on taking it off the list.

Decide,

> with your child, what can be changed to allow you more privacy, and would

be

> least stressful. Perhaps, the door need not be closed and locked, but can

be

> closed, with a him sitting outside the door. Too much, ok, what does he

> suggest? door open 12 " ? can YOU live with this? go from there.... each

week

> or whenever you feel ready, re-examine the list and determine if you can

> work on something else, or can you push a little farther on the goals....

>

> This is basic cognitive behavioural therapy = but you are the enabler

and

> you have to be determined to stop allowing it. That is reason that I have

> suggested that you are part of each stage and that you identify what is

> bothering YOU. If you step back, you will notice that for each new

> behaviour you accepted, within a short time, another came up? You see?

this

> is when we talk about not doing the ocders any good bye giving in to their

> demands.

>

> We once had to stand and watch tom do his bedtime (after 10:00pm)

routines

> for over an hour, and sometimes more than once in a night - until one day

I

> got up the nerve to say NO! I offered ways of compromise (start earlier,

> limit the time...), but he wouldnt except them, so I quit cold turkey!!

One

> week of screaming, banging, swearing, making enough noise to disturb

> everyone, he fought his demons and learned to put himself into bed without

> us reassuring him. What a difference it made in our attitude! WE learned

> that he could not control the household. That we have a say in what goes

on

> and that its our role as parents to set limits.

>

> I have gone on long enough, so I'll stop here. Please understand that we

> all go through this with our kids, just at different levels. When we are

> exhausted, we just dont have the energy to keep up the battle, and that's

> reality. But, believe me, a little bit of " bossing back " and you can

regain

> a lot of your personal space.

>

> Big hugs, wendy in canada

>

> > You may subscribe to the OCD-L by emailing

> listserv@... .

> In the body of your message write:

> subscribe OCD-L your name.

> The archives for the OCD and

> Parenting List may be accessed by going to

> .

> Enter your email address and password.

> Click on the highlighted list name and then click on index.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi , Thanks for bringing up this separation

issue. I have seen it in children that attend the 'lab

school' where I work. They are much smaller4,5, & 6, and

we usually encourage the parents to stay around until

the child feels comfortable enough to function with

out the parent.We do not ever take a child from the

parents, if the child does not want to be at school,

we tell them to go have a home day with Mom or Dad.We

want them to be there, but more important we NEED them

to want to be there. This doesn't have much to do with

your 12 y/o and his separation anxiety except that the

kids at our school feel safe and secure. Your son

isn't feeling safe and secure. So, has he tried

medication to help his anxiety? Or maybe you could

have a tally of all the times you have left to go on a

trip. Did anything bad happen? Did you come back safe?

If he is feeling really insecure this logical approach

might not work. But clearly he is showing that

something is bothering him. About him coming to visit

you in your office. Maybe there could be a two visit a

day rule? Obviously he needs reassurence. If he

doesn't feel accepted at school, maybe you are his

safe place to go to check in. Our OCD kids rely on us

so much we have to be careful to not set up traps for

ourselves. I liked 's post about enablers. I

think we have all found ourselves caught in the trap

of wanting to help, but hindering the best outcome.

Change is painful. We need to stay level headed, and

not give in to emotion when dealing with these issues.

I know anger and despare have been my worst coping

strategies. Here is to learning new ways to deal with

old problems so our kids can learn to cope. I have a

15y/o who is so cognitively intertwined with his OCD

that he thinks that everyone else has a problem, not

him. We have been seeing a wonderful p-doc, who has

started to put a little hole in our sons wall. It is

going to be a long haul, and an expensive one, but

hopefully we can break it down. My hat is off to

thoughs of you who have younger children. It is so

much easier to use the cbt and ert, when they are not

so closed off. Take care, Vivian in wa. st.

[Guest guest]

Hi folks,

As some  of you know I work at a university in NJ. This past fall we had 2 new

faculty join us, one in the interior design department and another in

occupational therapy.

One day over lunch we got to talking about student projects and I

offered to speak to their classes about my experiences as a dwarf. That

conversation blossomed into an interdisciplinary project which we

expect will lead to a conference display/presentation and a publication.

Students

from 3 different classes will be involved and I (with a AH friend who

is acting as a live in partner) will be the client. The students will

work together to plan modifications for to accommodate both of us

comfortably in a simulated household environment. They will also

decorate appropriately and one of the classes will build models of the

agreed modifications.  

Can you

help? 

I am asking for

your help rounding up suggestions for them; if you could have the

modifications of your dreams made to any room in a house, what would

they be? Or even something needed outside of the home - car, gardening

needs, snow cleaning needs......

And if any of you have modified

your environment and have pictures online, please share the URL so that

they can see some of the possibilities.

Please respond privately to petite_isla at dot com

Thanks!      

LIFE should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving

safely in an attractive well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways

champagne in one hand . . . strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up,

totally worn out and screaming " WOO HOO "