[Tap 'n B Free] Re: For entede2000

March 22, 2003

Kate,

you have sort of hit on a big factor: I've spent my whole life never

asking for help; and if and when I had to, paying my own way anyway I

could... And am that way today... I am capable of making friends, but

don't want to because then you are " expected to interact " , so I have

a very select few. One lives 50 miles away--and was quite hurt that

I did not turn to her [i'm your FRIEND! " ] when mother died, until two

weeks after. She's a busy school principal. The other two live in

FL. One I email with almost every day, and she'll call a couple times

a week; but she has no concept of this disorder: she is the opposite

of housebound. Though she and I agree that we both have a problem

with " trust " , and for similar reasons.

HOWEVER! Are you ready for this? Your saying this caused the idea to

occur to me that I might--JUST MIGHT--begin to consider the thought

of asking my brother to help me with this... Though he was THE ONE as

far as mother was concerned [and perhaps in growing up assured of his

place in this world] and he has been capable of devistating any plans

of mine with a swipe of his mighty royal paw. He and my sister DID

make the decision to share and share alike with me, despite mother's

will!!! I was astounded!

Thinking about it, I do not like that feeling of being at someone

else's " mercy " --tho I know that would not be the case... And then I

absolutely do not like for them to THINK I am weak, and dependent on

anyone--my biggest source of pride is that I am currently a totally

self sufficient person! ... Tho they do, and always have thought I'm

weird.

I'm just not sure yet--remember I just made the decision to do

something, and then found this site, etc., just a day ago... Right

now I am sitting here shaking... I never realized how BAD it has

become!!!

Kate, everything you have to say is helpful; know I do appreciate it

all--even if I try to avoid the truth of it.

HUGE HUG!

E.

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