[One_EFT Healing Highrise] Re: Points of origin

[Guest guest]

Wow, Jef! Do you live at our house??? <G>.. my husband is a control freak..

won't let me work, controls all finances, makes me " borrow " money and pay

him back for basic necessities (I get a VERY small child support check) and

buys the groceries, etc.. constantly nagging on me and complaining. My

enlightened friends who have met him say that he has " black spirits " all

over him (they also tell me I have a light blue aura for whatever that

matters).

Both my parents were " cold " to us kids.. no warmth at all as I was growing

up. I was the oldest and expected to be " perfect " and of course, wasn't, so

I always felt I wasn't " good enough " . Funny, how I married a man so much

like my MOTHER! LOL!!

I have been on this enlightened path after being spiritually abused by my

husband and his church.. he is supposed to be a " born again Christian " and

as a wife of someone so legalistic, I have rebelled and looked for my

spiritual path elsewhere.. somewhere along the way, rebellion turned into

love of my own spirituality and acceptance of everyone's path. I have been

seriously contemplating divorce/separation but with no job skills (raised 5

kids who are all grown and gone- this last one a few months ago), and no

money, I am scared out of my mind where to go, what to do, etc.. especially

since I have the " critters " I take care of here... rabbits, poultry, a milk

goat and a dog... (we live on an acreage). My husband refuses to have

anything to do with them but pays the feed bill as long as I am conservative

with the amount/type I feed them. My " critters " are my solace.. they give me

a reason to get up in the morning so I can take care of them throughout the

day.

I have been raped 3 different x by different men about 20 years ago... my ex

husband was a drug user/alcoholic who liked to beat me.. this husband

doesn't use his fists.. he beats my emotions, my mind and my soul...

No wonder I smoke, huh?? The only " vice " I have.. <G>. Maybe latent

rebellion, maybe a true addiction, maybe something else? I don't know...

which is why I am having such a hard time quitting, I guess.

I have tried to stay " in the light " to " shine the light of positive thought

on it " (as you state in your post), but it is REALLY hard. I can't do EFT

when he is home.... or much else spiritually since even books, etc he finds

" offensive " (meaning anything other than fundamental Christian) he burns...

yeah, he censers me and even though I tell him he can't do it he does it

anyway.. has gone through my things and thrown out stuff of mine I was

keeping, etc. I think he gets a kick out of how much he can hurt me but he

still attends church, and 2 different Bible studies, gives hundreds of

dollars a month to his " causes " but I remain without funds for even " basic

needs " unless I get them myself. I am not frivolous, I am careful and wish I

could save a bit but I can't,... when I have been able to earn money in the

past (babysitting, etc) he stops buying the groceries, etc (when the kids

were home).

Ok.. sorry for the rambling rant here.. I am just so overwhelmed with

emotions I don't know even where to start!!! And starting somewhere is the

only way I can start using EFT, correct? I hurt my shoulder badly falling

down the stairs the day after a 3 week visit with my mom a few months ago so

it hurts constantly and it is hard to move, yet, so I am sorry if I sound

" down " ... I am usually a very optimistic person!!!

Terri

> > So tell me Norman, would you consider this statement true: " Even

> though there are structured, rigid authorities who are full of greed

> and power, there are also other structured, rigid authorities who are

> not. "

>

> Perhaps if you would elaborate a little more we can all put our heads

> together and find some solutions to your dilema. Negativity is like

> the darkness, shine the light of positive thoughts on it and it just

> fades away. You have my deepest condolensces for what happened to your

> family, but so long as you keep holding onto these feelings and

> beliefs, those same structured rigid authorities own you. Think about

> it...

>

> -Jef

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Jef.. I have the manual and have read it when I can... husband home

now or I'd write more ..

Terri

[Guest guest]

I answered before that I have downloaded the EFT manual from 's site and

have tried to read it when I could. My husband left to visit a client (self

employed contractor) so I have a few minutes to reply..

I think the most obvious pain I have is the relationship with my husband. I

had planned on having a good marriage but the more I give, the more he

takes.. and then I start feeling resentment due to being hurt. I forgive

him, work on becoming even BETTER but then he " raises the bar " on my

behavior. Nothing I do will ever satisfy him since he always raises the

expectations once I meet " his " goal for me. Somewhere along the way, I have

lost myself and am trying very hard to find who " I AM " and become at peace

with myself and the world. Part of me really just wants to live in a cabin

as a hermit since all my live no one has been able to accept me the way I am

(nothing special about me except my human fraility). I feel all have special

qualities and I know I do too.. but nothing that warrants the treatment I

have had my whole life. I do not want to feel victimized... do not want the

role and fight it off when and how I can. I have no " life " in that I am

unable to make any decisions. He takes the car keys when he wants me to stay

home.. he monitors my mileage when I do go anywhere. I am so tired of

feeling like a bird in a cage unable to feel free.

I guess I would like to feel free of being oppressed.. my only thought is to

leave but then I realize I don't have the means to do so .. then I feel

trapped.. so I try to make a life here with things the way they are.. it is

a vicious cycle and tearing me and the ones who do care about me apart... my

kids are not able to help at this time due to various and GOOD reasons... my

sister is disabled and my brother took his life 10 years ago. My parents are

divorced and remarried to people who don't care about what happens to me and

are unable to help. My friends are either in the process of moving to parts

unknown or are struggling to make ends meet themselves and even though I'd

be welcome to live with them, I don't feel right not being able to pull my

own weight at this point.

Sorry for the long post, but I may not be able to write again till tomorrow

morning sometime. Is it possible to do EFT silently to myself??? I sometimes

find I get a few minutes early morning to myself while husband sleeps so he

doesn't see me tapping.. but if he heard me, I would have to answer a lot of

questions that he wouldn't like the answers to.. he is too " fundamental

Christian " in his beliefs that anything else is totally unacceptable to

him....

Thank you for any hints or tips you could give me!

Terri

[Guest guest]

04112006 2114 GMT-6

Terri, I was just on my way to bed when I saw your email and just felt

strongly about responding.

You said that the more you give the more he takes, and that when

you become 'better' he raises the bar. Allow me to suggest to you

to tap on this:

Even though I I feel HE sets the standard of my behavior...

Even though I am not living my life for myself...

Even though I feel that what I do is never satisfying to him...

Even though I feel I must meet HIS goal and not my own...

And just see what that brings up.

I book that I just love says, a thing only means what You say it means.

What that means is, nothing at all has any meaning except the meaning

you give it. Now, the reason I bring this up is, you say you are starting

to feel resentful because he takes what you give. A relationship is about

what you put into it, not what you take from it. What opportunity does

it provide to you? Now, to practicalize that, you need to tap on that.

Things

like, what does this relationship present as an opportunity for you,

and why

do I feel that I must live up to someone else's goals?

What would happen if you just stopped trying to live up to His bar and

just lived at yours? What would happen if you lived your goals? Moved

in the direction of Your goals? Achieved Your goals? Tap on those as well.

If it is alright, and you can just respond to me yes or no, I would like

to send to you with your permission a zipped file of a short story that

a friend recently emailed to me. I believe that you would receive

great insight in yourself after reading it.

Wade

Terri Alberts wrote:

>

>I think the most obvious pain I have is the relationship with my husband. I

>had planned on having a good marriage but the more I give, the more he

>takes.. and then I start feeling resentment due to being hurt. I forgive

>him, work on becoming even BETTER but then he " raises the bar " on my

>behavior. Nothing I do will ever satisfy him since he always raises the

>expectations once I meet " his " goal for me. Somewhere along the way, I have

>lost myself and am trying very hard to find who " I AM " and become at peace

>with myself and the world. Part of me really just wants to live in a cabin

>as a hermit since all my live no one has been able to accept me the way I am

>(nothing special about me except my human fraility). I feel all have special

>qualities and I know I do too.. but nothing that warrants the treatment I

>have had my whole life. I do not want to feel victimized... do not want the

>role and fight it off when and how I can. I have no " life " in that I am

>unable to make any decisions. He takes the car keys when he wants me to stay

>home.. he monitors my mileage when I do go anywhere. I am so tired of

>feeling like a bird in a cage unable to feel free.

>

>me!

>Terri

[Guest guest]

As I imagine the ability to tap a beautful mind rich with ideas of well-ness I

forget my problems for knowing contentment is bled through the " process " .

Human minds within the freedom create art and like Henry Thoreau I

envision myself as artwork ongoing.

NM

[Guest guest]

to hide is to be vulnerable to guilt for love of " self " is master of " self "

NM

[Guest guest]

quite a situation!

to start bringing down the overall emotional charge,

you might try tapping on some global statements:

" even though my situation feels awful, I deeply and

completely accept myself "

" even though the number of issues I " m dealing with

seems overwhelming, I deeply... "

" even though there are so many things I need to tap on

that I don't even know where to start, I deeply... "

and then you can start to get more specific:

" even though he won't let me have my own money, I

deeply... "

" even though he is so deeply afraid of being out of

control that he had to sacrifice whatever love he had

for me to satisfy his control issues, I deeply... "

and then you could start tapping on the mental movies

of abusive incidents from your past, such as:

" even though he (did that abusive thing) and I hated

it and felt trapped, I deeply... "

charlie

[Guest guest]

>

> I do believe in God but I don't believe in legalism in any religion

> where people are ridiculed and cut down... legalism is " man made "

> and not from God. (my beliefs.. sorry if I offended anyone!)

You're in good company with your belief. If I recall correctly, Jesus

had the same battle with the religious authorities during his time on

earth. These authorities had managed to screw-up the pure word of God

to the point that it was unduly burdensome to the Israelites of the

time. He reamed them over putting the traditions of man over the Word

of God. And you are right about the legalism aspect. I find it ironic

that people who worship a loving God are some of the most miserable

people I've ever met. Now, I not saying that all Christians are that

way, just some of the ones I've met in my journeys. And I want to make

it clear that I DO NOT blame God at all for this.

> When we married, he had never been married (or dated for 20 years).

> His folks and grandparents raised him to believe the way he does

> (men wear the pants, make the money and all decisions and the women

> were basically kitchen slaves).

I was going to ask you whether your husband was a new convert or had

been raised that way but you answered my question and gave me some

insight into his perception of reality. Thanks! While scripturally the

man is the head in the marriage arrangement, I find nowhere in the

Bible where God says it hunky dory for the man to abuse and belittle

his wife. As a matter of fact, when Abraham was being a lunkhead, God

himself told Abraham to listen to his wife . Mutual respect is

the key to a long and happy marriage. The question that comes to my

mind is if your husband has little to no respect for you, how much

respect do you think he has for himself? My guess is that he has

little to none.

> I have tried to be as compassionate as I can be but lately?

And that's an admirable quality you should be proud of. If nothing

else, should the time come when you are forced to leave him, you can

always look back and take comfort in the fact that you did everything

possible to try and preserve your marriage. Hopefully, before that

happens, God will tap on your husband's noggin' and clue him in to the

fact that he's traveling down the wrong path.

> As a new empty nester, I am seeing things differently than I used to

> when the kids were around and realize I simply can not survive this

> way another ______ (fill in the blank) # of years...

Funny how that happens, ain't it. What's sad is that now is the time

when you and your husband should be bonding on a much deeper level,

without all the trials and tribulations that goes along with raising a

family. My relationship with my wife has change dramatically since the

last of the kiddos left home -- all of it for the good. We look

forward to spending the rest of our lives doing what WE WANT TO DO and

not what others may demand of us. We are now able to live life on our

own terms and not those predicated upon the needs of others. It's a

true sense of freedom.

> it isn't healthy for me and isn't healthy for HIM either.

Is good that you recognize this. I sense that you are a truly

compassionate and caring person when allowed to do so.

Tell me, have you ever sat down with you husband and asked him just

what it is that he expects out of your marriage? Does he open up to

you or does he play his cards close to his chest?

My intuition tells me that he has some deep seated issues that he's

either too afraid or too embarassed to discuss and leans on the Bible

for strength to get through the day. While there is nothing wrong with

that, it's far better to get these issues out in the open and

neutralize them accordingly. I've come to believe that EFT is one of

the tools that God gives us to deal with the trials and tribulations

that plague us on a daily basis. When I use EFT, I pray for God's

guidance in helping me to navigate through the myriad of problems that

I have to deal with. I ask for him to sent his Holy Spirit to me for

guidance. And even though I use EFT as my primary tool, I always give

God top billing and thank him for all the help and blessing that he

sends my way.

Anyway, I don't know if this helps you but I hope that it does. Hang

in there kid, it's gonna get better!

-Jef

[Guest guest]

04122006 1138 GMT-6

Control freaks are like bullys. The more you push the more

they push back. At some point though, your push back will

scare them. Reminds me of that movie with

where she is the wife being beat and she learns to fight and

kicks her husbands ***!!! YEA! Love that movie.

But there is another way to experience this situation. It takes

tremendous belief in yourself. Ready? Just allow it. Yea, it

sucks to hear that. But consider, forget showing him that you

are stronger, just BE stronger. You can do just what you said,

breath deeply and BE calm. If something happens breath some

more. Do some mental tapping - just imagine yourself tapping

on your points:

chest: even though he is being an *** right now, I deeply

and completely accept myself

even though I am scare of what he might do, I know

I am strong and I will survive.

even though I do not know what is going to happen,

I choose to remain calm and in control

then tap mentally on all the points

calm

then

in control

then

happy thoughts....

and then any other word that makes you feel good. You just keep

mentally tapping those points and let the situation blow over.

I know that sound so incredibly easy and in reality your situation

might be horrific. But if I pointed to say Ghandi or Jesus... those

were humans who were calm in a point of horrific danger.

The mental tapping, I do it on my walks and when Im bicycling.

While walking I tap on things like: Loose legs, tight calves,

more than enough energy.... just to help myself out.

Wade

Terri Alberts wrote:

> See why I call him a " control freak " ? I don't know how else to

>describe it. I wish he could change and just treat me as well as he would

>any client's wife, etc. In reality, the stronger I get, the worse his

>behavior gets and the more demanding, critical, etc he behaves. (I try to

>just breath deeply and find the serenity within during these times but

>sadly, I have actually lost my temper and demanded basic respect as a

>person.. which only makes him act worse ... a cycle that only burns itself

>out over time).

>

>I would like to read the file you mentioned if you think it would help...

>

>Thank you again, Wade for your letter.

>

>Terri

[Guest guest]

So, you can do it like background thread in your head?

You do your business (talk with someone or at phone, work at PC, drive car,

etc.), but in same time you can tap your body in/with your head?

And you can do two (you talk to live person and do tapping) or more thing in

same time, and tap works?

Am I right here?

If yes, how long did you practice this to get it?