Fw: Bringing down the barriers to a better bedroom--Part II

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EFT: Bringing down the barriers to a better bedroom--Part II

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Hi Everyone,

Here is a follow-up on EFT Contributing Editor Cutright's recent post

on clearing the way for sexual intimacy between clients " " and " . "

As you may recall, the first few sessions resulted in substantial emotional

progress but it was unknown at the time as to whether or not and

were actually going to ecstatically " heat up the sheets. " This time we find

out. Please note the emphasis on collapsing the deeply set " triggers " that

are so often behind problems of this nature. It's an important topic for

serious EFT'ers.

Hugs,

P.S. If you want to read the first post regarding and (with this

one appended) go to http://www.emofree.com/cases/bedroom.htm

**********************************

Dear Friends & Colleagues,

Last month I wrote about the work Layne and I have been doing with " "

and " " and the challenges they have been experiencing in their

relationship, especially sexually. As of the last posting, we still didn't

know if the EFT we did with them had been successful in terms of their

renewed lovemaking. So, I thought you might like to have an update on their

situation.

To refresh your memory, here is a recap of the situation we were working

with.

The situation, in a nutshell, was this. wanted to have sex more often

than and felt angry and hurt by her rebuffing his advances. , on

the other hand, felt spiritually superior to when he " came on " to her

and thus got turned off to sex and to him. She thought his desire for her

was too " animalistic " and not " spiritual " enough. He sensed her attitude of

superiority and condescension and had the feeling that his emotional and

physical needs were not important. The result was that they seldom had sex

and when they did it was less than satisfying for either one of them.

We made progress on all the aspects that we tapped on in our two hour phone

session. After this, they both felt emotionally open and connected with each

other. They both expressed deep gratitude for having someone lead them

through such deep, painful and vulnerable feelings and for having made

enormous progress in such a brief time.

Now, because this was our most recent session with this couple, we didn't

know yet what affect this particular session had on their sex life. As of

that previous session, they hadn't " taken it out for a test drive, yet! "

Remember, with relationships there are sometimes multiple aspects that can

come up later. We may have helped them to clear enough to transform their

sex life -- or we may have needed to a bit more work.

Here is what has happened with and since then. We have two hour

sessions with them once a week.

(Three weeks later)

As of their most recent session last week, they have had a major

breakthrough with their sex life! And beyond that, they've made progress

with their general level of intimacy, safety and emotional surrender. Now,

let me tell you a bit about how we got there, because it wasn't a " quick

fix. " Rather, it was the result of persistence in focusing on their

intended outcome and dealing directly with each aspect in their relationship

as it arose.

In helping people to recreate their marriage there are usually three basic

elements to consider:

1. insight as to how their marriage came to be the way it is,

2. learning to make new choices that will produce new results, and

3. what we call " trigger work " .

Trigger work is where EFT is enormously helpful. When couples are frequently

frustrated, angry, argumentative or distant, they usually have a long list

of complaints about what the other person does to set things off. Triggers

can be anything - a look, a tone of voice, a gesture, certain words, an

attitude, silence - really, anything that produces a negative reaction in

the other person.

When triggers are cleared so that there is no longer any emotional charge,

it leaves people in a more resourceful state when the same trigger occurs in

the future. Rather than reacting automatically and making the same old moves

that takes them to the same old place, they are able to make new moves that

can take them to a new and better place. Any coach can tell you there is a

huge gap between a client's willingness to make new choices and their

ability to act on those choices in the heat of the moment. Clearing the

triggers reduces the " heat of the moment " so they can actually do what their

wisdom tells them to do.

In our coaching with , he realized that when he got even the slightest

whiff that was going to rebuff his romantic/sexual advances he got

triggered into a younger self. He described the feelings as identical to the

feelings he had as a boy with his father.

's father was verbally loud and physical in the way he expressed his

disapproval of his son. He would be impatient with and disapprove of

him for not moving fast enough. In addition, he would often hit sharply

on the back of his head. 's experience was of being misunderstood and

that his father was not there for him.

was still carrying the wound (trigger) of this treatment and every time

declined his overtures for sex this emotional wound would get activated

(triggered). would proceed to share his feelings about being refused by

without realizing that the old pain of this wound affected all of his

communication with .

For , instead of a powerful man coming to her with passion and desire it

appeared that she had a powerless, whining child needing comfort. The

recurrent pattern was for to come on to , not being interested

as quickly as wanted her to be, and then being thrown into his feelings

of rejection and being misunderstood. interpreted 's rejection

through his wounded child.

After we worked on 's feelings of unresolved disapproval from his father

he was able to make some new choices and some new interpretations when

wasn't as interested in sex as he was. Previously, he would feel like a

defeated child, but now he was feeling and behaving like a playful seducer.

He even went so far as to do a Chippendale striptease that left them both

rolling on the floor, first in laughter, then in passion. And was

responding differently now that was more in his power in his advances

toward her.

's part was that she was trained to put everyone else's needs before her

own, and she had deep resentment about this that would show up when

wanted sex and expected her to be turned on before she had " warmed up " . When

shared his feelings of disappointment and hopelessness, would go

into an analytical mode trying to help him understand his feelings, all on

top of her resentment about not having her own needs seen and understood

(her trigger), once again. The result of this pattern was always no sex and

feeling distant and unsatisfied.

Now, this dynamic in their relationship had been going on unconsciously. Our

work was about helping them to become conscious of what was really going

on,. One of the things that predictably happens on a transformational,

healing journey like this is that old, repressed feelings will erupt at some

unexpected and often seemingly inappropriate time. (How nice if it could all

happen nice and neat within scheduled sessions!) called one day after a

schedule session in which we had her tap on her beliefs about other peoples'

needs being more important than her own. She was experiencing spontaneous

insights and energy rushes, so we helped her through them, after which she

felt clear and open at a whole new level. This showed up in an interesting

way in our next session with them.

We were working with , tapping on his feelings about his father

disapproving of him, hitting him on his head and of 's feeling that no

one was there for him. While was tapping and clearing these historical

memories and triggers, , sitting across from , began tapping on her

own body on 's behalf (surrogate tapping). This had never happened

before and it represented a breakthrough for in being understood and

cared about by , rather than all alone in his pain. shared that she

felt a new understanding of 's previous behavior and a huge outpouring

of love and support for him.

Now, remember, all of this is over the phone and and are sitting

in the same room with each other.

In just this past week since this last session they have shared an amazing

lovemaking experience with each other. told us, " It was awesome. I feel

like I'm falling in love all over again. He's sooo sexy! " 's comment was

simply, " It feels like a dream come true! "

The thing about triggers is that they tend to make people " me " oriented. You

get triggered and go into self preservation mode which usually involves

making the other person wrong. Blame interferes with love and understanding.

But, when triggers are cleared people are able to step into a " we "

orientation. They can work together as allies. They are able to liberate the

energy used in a " power struggle " and use it for the creativity of

cooperation.

It doesn't take much to imagine the possibilities that open up for us as

members of a larger society. What could we accomplish together as a society

if the triggers that generate alienation disappeared? What if our good

intentions to create a better world weren't continually undermined by our

inability to simply get along?

I hope this story offers you some insight into the value of persistence, as

well the amazing power of EFT to clear triggers that could take years to

clear (if ever) in more traditional forms of therapy.

Layne and I look forward to meeting those of you who will be at 's EFT

Specialty Training in March!

Blessings,

EFT Contributing Editor

Cutright

Author - Speaker - Trainer - Coach

Personal Evolution & Partnership Coaching

The Center for Enlightened Partnership

Evolutionary thinking for people who want to create a better future

together.

702-340-0710 vm

http://www.enlightenedpartners.com

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