9 days and counting

[Guest guest]

9 days to go before I get to head down to Mexico. I sit here and can't wait. My closet calls out to me yelling that my old clothes will fit once again. I do not feel nervous or anticipate regrets.

We almost had a fiancial set back which would have caused me not to go. My step son was caught with marijuana and we are following the recommendations of the professionals. I was sitting here questioning whether or not I should follow through with the surgery? Should I stay at home and babysit? Should I do something different? Everything has been racing through my head. I sat down with my husband and have figured out how to come up with the $8,000 it is going to cost to do this,/ treatment (insurance SUCKS!). I even asked if he wanted to stay home and he did not want me to go through this alone. I think I am more scared for my step son and what he is going to be facing then my surgery. We are also finishing up our home which we started to build back in August. We are suppose to be moving in President's Day Weekend which is my recoverying week from work. I don't know what is more stressful, trying to figure out how to pack or getting my step son into treatment. I will admit, I am emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted.

I have a lot of blessings on my side. I will be in major debt for some time, but it will all work out some how.

I was just reading the board and thinking about all of you and how life changes in all directions. It has been so long since I have been able to do something for myself and really feel like I can be proud, that I feel I need to go through with this for my sanity. I look at myself in the mirror and feel icky. This is alot of other struggles going on too, but today the feelings are bad. It is raining here too which fits the mood. I am praying the sun will shine in Mexico. I pray I will come home with a new hope that I feel I have lost with every weight loss attempt. I want to feel motivated and attractive again.

To put salt into the wound, I provide therapy to those who are suffering some of the same problems I am writing about and I have to put on my therapeutic hat 5 days a week and not ever reviel my self to any of them. They think I am this confident person who has a great life. Wow if they only knew. I think I am blowing off some emotional steam. I am thank ful that my husband is supporting me to get the procedure done and he will be with me. I would of changed the date if needed and he felt that we needed to approach life in different ways.

My daughter who is 10 does not support me leaving or getting the surgery done. She cries when I talk about going to Mexico and that she is not coming. This is also hard, because I know she does not understand what I am going through or that I will be better after this. I just want to get this done and start living again.

I have been reading a lot today on the posts. I know I have shared more than most and it is not all about weight loss surgery or goals, and I am sorry if I am using the post for the wrong reason, but I just feel that there is a lot of support in the room and I thank all of you for that.

Tomorrow will be 8 days. . . . . . .

Trish