For the New Year.....my resolutions (another long one from )

[Guest guest]

Dear All,

For the past er....well, let's just say years, rather than actually

listing the full number or how many decades it has been....each

January

I've started off with my number one resolution being to LOSE WEIGHT.

Other resolutions (again, depending on the particular decade) have

been

to be more tolerant of my parents/spouse/hormonal teenage

daughter/insert pretty much anyone I've come into contact with on

this

list....Oh, and to stop smoking, save money, be a better (again,

depending on decade...student/wife/mom/neighbor/friend....

I'd like to thank Dr. Aceves and his team, because THIS year, losing

weight will not be just another goal that I set for myself. It is a

given, and didn't even have to be added to the list this year!

I'm hoping that this means that with all of the time, effort and

emotional energy that I am saving by NOT failing at a diet, I will be

able to make some real headway on those other resolutions of mine.

Gosh, I really DO hope that is the case, because now that I can't use

my weight as an excuse for failing to accomplish something, I

*reallllllllllly* do NOT want to lapse into another negative behavior

just to be able to have a rationalization all ready and waiting in

the

wings to be pulled out, dusted off, and used to explain why I haven't

accomplished what I set out to do this year!

So, in writing, and shared with all of you, instead of just in my

journal, here goes.....

1.) I will stop smoking.

Oh crap, I really hate to committ to that one. I LIKE smoking. I

think

there are only 2 types of people, really, smokers and non-smokers,

and

that you just need to decide which one of those you are going to be,

and I made that choice a long long time ago. I like everything

associated with the process, that first long inhale when you are

grabbing a smoke instead of taking a lunch break, and that last

exhale

before you call it a day. But it is even harder to rationalize my

desire to continue to do something that is a life-threatening

behavior,

after spending the money (for the lapband) under the " if I don't do

this I will be dead in a few years " reasoning.

2.) I will do everything I can to remain positive and provide

affirmations about the Lapband, and to constantly state my gratitude

for the changes in my life that it has provided me with. PB'ng once

in

a while, versus not being able to fit my fat ass in a plane seat so

that I can go and visit my daughter in Texas.....Gee, that's not even

a

fair contest, is it? Since my banding procedure, I have not

experienced a single physical discomfort that comes even close to

comparing with the years of pain, both physical and emotional, that

my

obesity forced me to face on a daily basis. So to all I will say

clearly and without hesitation that I would rather " yak " with EVERY

bite, if that is what is required, than to stuff my fat face and

swallow easily, because THAT, my friends, never helped me at all. I

will gladly never drink another carbonated beverage, alcoholic or

otherwise, because there isn't a drink in the world ( not sparkling

sugar free water, not Perrier-Jouet Champagne) that made me feel as

satisfied as being able to lose weight makes me feel. I will be

pleased

for the opportunity to spend whatever it costs to have as many fills

as

are required on this journey, because they still will NEVER add up to

the amount that I have spent over the years on impulse shopping

because

I was miserable, or on groceries ( like the junk food that never

actually made it from the store to the pantry because I ate it on the

drive home) or on clothing, constantly needing not only a bigger

size,

but getting to the point when the size that I needed could not even

be

found in any local stores,AND I will change my EBAY email settings to

stop sending me messages when someone lists a size 5XXXXX dress for

sale. ( For those of you who agreed that I needed to get rid of

those

jeans in my Christmas photo, the size 22's that I had in no way been

able to squeeze into for at least 2 years, the ones that were hanging

off of me, I'd like to say that I bought my first pair of size 18

pants

in over 6 years a few days ago, and there was something about having

the first number be a " 1 " that was the greatest way posible to end a

year that I can imagine.)

3.) I will be vocal and express my opinions on obesity in my

community, on-line, and through the OAC (Obesity Action Coalition) in

the hopes that someday in the future, the recommendations of

treatment

made by the National Institute of Health will be adhered to by

medical

insurance companies, and the Lapband ( and other bariatric

procedures)

will be covered as a life-saving measure just as the treatments for

so

many comorbid conditions of obesity are. I will no longer hide

behind

my SUV and hope that no one sees me, no matter how far I am from

reaching my own personal weight goals.

4.) I will practice what I preach. Nope, that one doesn't have

anything to do with weight loss. I am passionate about my career, and

often reference it in conversation, because for me, being a

psychiatric

nurse is not a job, it is a blessing. I am doing my best to " come out

of the closet " and stop speaking just as a psych nurse without also

speaking as someone who experiences depression personally. Whew, and

if

you think the stigma for being FAT is harsh, try being a fat person

with a serious mental illness. I will no longer use " Someone I know " ,

or " My grandmother-cousin-best friend from college " to share an

experience with my patients when I am trying to help them to acquire

hope for the future. When I lead my groups, I say " We who suffer from

the symptoms of mental illness " , not you..... This does not mean that

I

am ready to walk up to the Board of Directors of the Hospital and

announce my own history, but it does mean that I am becoming more and

more open ever day about my own past experiences and using them in my

work. And yes, it makes me a better nurse for it. Hell, I truly

believe

that having experienced episodes of SMI that made me pretty much an

inanimate object makes me not just a better nurse, but a better

person-

more compassionate and understanding, definitely.

5.) I WILL ENJOY MY LIFE. I will treasure every day, and not beat

myself up for the years wasted in the past, I will do something for

FUN

every day, whether it is just reading fiction, or singing along with

a

song on the radio, and I will not avoid any activities because I am

too

fat for them. I will roller skate with my son, wear a bathing suit in

public, ride my bike on our fabulous bike trail, and I will never

again

NOT do something because of my weight. I am SO done with hiding.

6.) I will finish the book I am writing. I will send it to my

husband's

aunt, who works for McGraw-Hill, and published or not, I will have

completed it.

Anyone else willing to share their resolutions?

Happy New Year to all,