FW: Freewill Astrology Weekly

[Guest guest]

For a slow day---Steve

Freewill Astrology Weekly

Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology Newsletter

Proudly sponsored by those

Those time-travelers from the future

Who impersonate

The still small voice

Of your guardian angel.

JUNE 6, 2001

o Burning chairs sailing through yellow skies.

o Your Horoscope for the week.

o Society's latest lepers.

o Scary white guys.

o Luxuriate on Pisces' slippery couch.

Plus: Permission granted.

" MEET ROB BREZSNY, newspaper astrologer and reasonably

normal guy, " exhorts Sacramento News and Review arts editor

Griffith in his " Subversive Soothsayer " article posted this

week on the http://www.freewillastrology.com homepage. He

continues: " Not that anyone should expect a professional

soothsayer to greet his visitors in full ceremonial Druid regalia,

mind you. It's just that, given the hallucinatory characters that

inhabit Brezsny's recently published 484-page novel 'The

Televisionary Oracle,' the carpe-diem harangues he spouts as

nom-de-disque Pope Artaud while fronting his band World

Entertainment War (imagine the Tubes, morphed by the ghost of

Terence McKenna into a hackysack Parliament/Funkadelic), or the

whimsical metaphoric bombs he drops weekly in his 'Free Will

Astrology' column, one might expect Brezsny to be a bit more like,

ahem, a rabid and tumescent orgone-energy seeker of the

Technicolor Volkswagen microbus persuasion. "

caught it, because truly among Rob's greater gifts is the

ability to remain a reasonably normal guy. Having long ago shed

all aspirations to live his life as a " starving artist " or " tortured

genius, " he describes himself as a well-adjusted freak who

enjoys doing homework with his ten-year-old daughter as much

as he relishes shamanic excursions into the Dreamtime in

search of healing boons for his readers. Read all about it this

week on FWA.com.

THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE and the " swap-your-sign " homework

favor Gemini to the extreme, no two faces about it. Not only do

they look gorgeous, act smart, and smell good, but about a

million contest respondents fell all over themselves explaining

why they'd like to be Geminis most of all! As for the rest of us,

well Leo, it's time to envision the brave and daring exploits

you'd most like to embark on. Scorpio may peer into the pit, but

no jumping in, please. And while Saj ignores bad mojo,

Capricorn fends off the pinched and the stingy. As for Taurus,

it's no bull that this week offers a big bite of knowledge. Apples,

snakes, and a fresh blast of Paradise for everyone this week at

FWA.

** The Free Will Astrology newsletter wants to be the one sweet

dream that's true today, but you can step on the gas and wipe that

tear away by unsubscribing at this address:

http://www.freewillastrology.com/pages/newsletter.shtml

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HEALTH AND HARMONY FESTIVAL 2001

Voted the #1 festival in Sonoma County seven years in a row,

the Health and Harmony Festival is a unique, all-volunteer

shindig devoted to alternative spirituality, healing, food, and

music. It's that Sacred Uproar goodness that Rob's been telling

you about. And indeed, Rob and his freaky consort Suzanne

Sterling add to the furious fun when they appear this weekend at

the H & H on Sunday, June 10, in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Suzanne (http://www.suzannesterling.com) joins her Bhakti

band on the stage at 11 a.m. At 1:30 p.m., Rob brings his

Beauty & Truth Laboratory to life in an hour-long evocation of pronoia.

Hours are 10 a.m. to 7 p.m. both days. Door admission is $20 adults;

$10 for teens and seniors; under 10, free. At the Sonoma County

Fairgrounds, Santa . For details, call 707/575-9355 or log onto

http://www.harmonyfestival.com .

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FREE WILL ASTROLOGY

Your Horoscope for the Week of June 6, 2001

Copyright 2001

By Rob Brezsny freewillastrology@...

Grammar key: Asterisks equal *italics*

ARIES (March 21-April 19): You're often at your most

attractive when you're expressing your warrior-like qualities.

Unfortunately, you've still got a lot to learn about the art of

selecting worthy opponents. So while you may be beautiful when

you're mad, your fights don't always lead to the kind of

intriguing success you can build on. Luckily, Aries, you're now

at a point in your astrological cycle when you can make great

headway towards becoming more discriminating. Please promise

me that you'll wean yourself from wrestling matches with straw

men, Cheshire cats, ghosts named Bozo, and their ilk. Choose only

the most thought-provoking enemies.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): A few weeks ago I told you it was

prime time, astrologically speaking, to visit the Garden of Eden.

You may have interpreted that in a metaphorical sense, which

was fine, or you may have acted on my hint that paradise has an

objectively real existence that's accessible through meditation.

In either case, I hope you're still hanging out in that environs,

Taurus, because I now have even better news to report. You know

the fruit that God once forbade Adam and Eve to try? Amazingly,

He has changed his mind. Here's the new covenant, directly from

the Supreme Being's lips to your eyes: *It's OK to eat the apple.*

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Your regularly scheduled horoscope

will not appear this week so that I may indulge the curious

favoritism I've felt towards you Geminis lately. I LOVE YOU.

YOU'RE GORGEOUS AND SMART. NO ONE SMELLS AS GOOD

AS YOU. There does seem to be ample astrological justification

for my seemingly irrational adoration, by the way: The omens

suggest you're at the height of your ability to realize precisely

what you need most and how to get it. To aid Mother Nature in her

work, repeat the following affirmation a hundred times a day for

the next week: " I KNOW WHAT TO DO AND I KNOW WHEN TO

DO IT! "

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Marketing experts tell me that if

my subject is so complex I can't explain it in 15 seconds, it's not

worth knowing. But since the intricate, impossible-to-describe

subject at hand is you, maybe you'll afford me a little longer. I

have it on good authority that you're feeling like a web woven by

a drunk spider; like a labyrinth made out of funhouse mirrors;

like an unseasoned grocery-shopper trying to choose among 19

brands of spaghetti sauce. But take comfort in the words of

author Berger: " Authenticity depends entirely on being

faithful to the essential ambiguity of experience. " I'd also like to

suggest that being confused by messy abundance is more likely to

bring you close to God than being dead certain about a few

artificially simplistic beliefs.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): We all crave drama in our lives --

especially you Leos. Unfortunately, our culture's fetishistic

fascination with entropy and suffering makes this need

problematic. Unable to summon the resources to pursue more

uplifting forms of adventure, many people end up filling their

lives with exhausting turbulence. That's the bad news, Leo. The

good news is that you can now summon the vibrant imagination

and loving support necessary to resist the norm. I exhort you to

envision brave exploits that will be fun and redemptive and

tremendously exciting.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): One of my biggest heroes is a Virgo:

Molly Ivins, rabble-rousing political columnist and author of

the book *Molly Ivins Can't Say That, Can She?* A while back

she wrote a piece in which she marveled at a cosmetic

salesperson's claim that a certain skin cream had a " mnemonic

component, " meaning it would allow her skin cells to remember

how they functioned when they were still young. I bring this up,

my dears, because the experiences you'll encounter in the

coming week will have an analogous effect. They will stimulate

you to recall every important thing you have forgotten.

+++++++++++ Brain Food++++++++++++++++

Make way, make room, shovel it out.

Let Rob Brezsny's crazy wisdom crowd on in there.

Expanded Audio Horoscopes --

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LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Poetry alert! If lyrical flights of

fancy make you nervous, please don't read any further. In fact,

maybe you shouldn't even go out of the house the rest of the

week, given the likelihood that you will be consistently roused to

a state of throbbing exaltation by the world's secret beauty. But

if you've read this far, here are your instructions: On a leaf

from your favorite tree, write a wish that's difficult for you to

ask for. Bury it in the soil as you visualize your wish having

already come true. Then leap into the air three times, kick your

heels together, and kiss the sky.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Today I went to the county dump to

unload all the stuff I once valued but haven't used in years. As I

backed my truck up to the edge of the chasm and heaved in my

obsolete treasures, I spied a sign that read, " Do not jump into

the pit. " Immediately, I thought of you, Scorpio. I mused on how

wise it would be for you to do what I was doing, but also how

tempting it might be for you to throw *yourself* away along

with the junk you need to get rid of. But please don't leap into

abyss, my dear. As perversely entertaining it might be for you

to wallow in the morass, no real good would come of it.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Most of us have had curses

cast on us. But unlike how they're portrayed in novels and films,

the real thing is rarely an act of black magic conjured by a bad

wizard. Rather, it's a negative declaration about our potential

delivered by a person we love or trust. For instance, when I was

21 years old, my astrology teacher smacked me with this

paralyzing prophecy: " You will never be known for who you

really are. " I've fought that whammy ever since. Your own curse

may have been hurled by a parent who said you would never

succeed, or an ex-lover who asserted that you'll never have a

decent relationship. But whatever malediction you've had

to bear all this time, Sagittarius, I want you to know that the

cosmic forces are now aligned to help you banish it for good.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): My acquaintance Boyd

specializes in " sacred sarcasm. " It's a benevolent approach to

shaking people up. " You sure impressed God during the month

you spent courting that alcoholic womanizer, " he once said to a

female friend, hoping it would prod her to swear off such

self-punishing behavior forever. " No doubt you earned a

truckload of karmic credit for all the free work you gave away to

that megalomaniac who ripped you off over and over, " he told

another pal, wishing that it might stimulate her to ask for more

in return for her gifts. In the spirit of Boyd's sacred sarcasm, I

offer this message for you, Capricorn: Surely your soul will be

nourished and your ambitions buoyed by the pinched and stingy

feelings you're now tempted to indulge.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Did you used to share your

blanket at nap time in kindergarten? If so, there's a good chance

you have what it takes to capitalize on the half-disguised

opportunities that'll soon arise. Spontaneous acts of generosity

will have amazing clout, you see. They'll unleash events that'll

precipitate liberating surprises. I should also note another

benefit that's likely if you resurrect your old blanket-sharing

tendencies: People who are worth knowing better will gravitate

to you, eager to find out more about your approach to getting

comfortable.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Due to pollution, full-blown

rainbows are becoming an endangered species. " Sun dogs, " or

tiny fragmented pieces of rainbows, are more and more

commonplace. In sad protest, I am suspending my

use of the rainbow metaphor until further notice. Happily, your

current astrological needs do not require me to invoke this

increasingly scarce natural wonder. The good fortune brewing in

your vicinity will most likely occur in mysterious

circumstances or under cover of darkness, and therefore have no

resemblance to anything that occurs in broad daylight. The more

apt symbol for your future, Pisces, is the *moonbow:* a bridge

of colored light that forms over a waterfall from the blend of

moon glow and water spray.

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" I love deadlines -- I love the whooshing noise they make

as they go by. " - , author of

" The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy "

(Thanks to the reader who sent that posthumous whoosher in!)

THE HIGHLY RESPECTED Disinfo.com Web site has compiled a

new " dossier " on Rob, as posted last Friday. Links, quotes, and

tomfoolery await you here:

http://www.disinfo.com/pages/dossier/id1264/pg1/ .

IT PEOPLE. Current vogue dictates scanning with an ill-

mannered delight for dot.coms to go dot.gone every day. It

seems that many Internet watchdogs do little else than predict

the certain demise of Salon.com with a grim gleefulness, while

others can barely suppress joyful " Death Watches " on other

firms. Here in the San Francisco Bay Area, the newly

unemployed roam their live/work lofts filling out Peace Corps

applications in droves. Ha ha, hee hee, chortle jealous

journalists who missed the free pizza bandwagon

when the boom was on. Well, enough of that, say we. It ain't

friendly and it ain't nice. Certainly there were some arrogant

bozos lauded during the four years of swell times, but that

doesn't make 'em all arrogant bozos.

In fact, there are still plenty of dot.com workers out there,

many of whom anonymously help you every day. Here at the Pink

Farm, for example, we rely on the friendly assistance of our

local ISP for everything from computer system questions they

have no business having to answer to a nicely lax billing

schedule. Two guys in a Quonset hut listening to the Grateful

Dead, our ISP (http://www.vom.com) actually answers the

phone when we call, returns our e-mail queries within a day,

and does extra stuff, like remembering to forward vacation e-

mail as a favor. As a favor!

Surely you've experienced similar grace. Send some good news

about society's latest leper to us at

freewillastrology@... and we'll spread it about.

READING WRITING. An anonymous respondent recommends

Chbosky's " The Perks of Being a Wallflower " as this

week's must-read. " Probably the best book I have ever read, and

I read a lot, " he or she says. A coming-of-age novel for young

adults, " Wallflower " concerns the 15th year of a boy struggling

with all the things that 15-year-olds struggle with.

Maturing nicely are Rob's recommendations this week on s,

where he suggests the artful wisdom contained in Berger's

" About Looking " and " The Sense of Sight. " Liberally witty Texas

columnist Molly Ivins *can* say any darned thing she likes,

particularly in her own tome, " Molly Ivins Can't Say That, Can

She? " Feeling distinctly political, other recs include " Nickel and

Dimed: On (Not) Getting by In Boom-Time America, " by Barbara

Ehrenreich; " The Betrayal of America: How the Supreme Court

Undermined the Constitution and Chose Our President, " by

journalist Bugliosi; " If the Gods Had Meant Us to Vote

They Would Have Given Us Candidates, " by columnist Jim

Hightower; " Talking About a Revolution: Interviews With Noam

Chomsky, bell hooks, Zinn & Others, " by the South End

Press Collective; and " What Uncle Sam Really Wants, " by

visionary linguist Noam Chomsky.

Check them out here:

http://www.powells.com/portals/Astrology.html . And don't forget

to shout out to freewillastrology@... and tell us what

you reach for between the covers.

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FREE ADS FOR GENIUSES! Not to overlook all the good things that

good men create, Rob nonetheless alerts you to the dangers of

" The 13 Scariest White Guys in America, " by journalist Don Hazen,

director of Alternet.org. This bakers dozen of powerful bullies doesn't just

poke at the obvious (like " Co-Presidents " Bush and Cheney) but

digs down to Joe Arpaio, Sheriff of Phoenix, Arizona's Maricopa

County Jail, and about whom you may not have heard a word.

Today's tip: Leading a dog's life in Sheriff's Arpaio's jail --

which is, after all, for misdemeanor offenders -- is twice as

good as being merely human. While he spends 66 cents a day to

provide for his prisoners, he affords twice that much to the

maintence of jailhouse dogs. Likewise, the canines get air-

conditioned cells; the inmates swelter in tents. He is said,

without facetious intent, to the be the most popular man in

Arizona. Read this intelligent essay here:

http://www.alternet.org/story.html?StoryID=10949 .

** Send us YOUR recommendation for a wickedly cool do-gooder

whose sweetness won't give us the jitters by writing to:

freewillastrology@... .

+++++++++++++++

** This Week's Contest: DON'T DENY. What experience have you

been denying yourself even though it wouldn't hurt anyone else

and would be good for you? Write a note giving yourself

permission and send it to us at

freewillastrology@... . Please include your name,

indicate whether it's for show or no, and give a preferred street

address. Of course you can lie; who are we to know?

+++ While we have absolutely no problem standing by the side

of the road offering money to passing motorists or scrambling

through valuable cast-off junk mail in post office garbage cans, we draw

the line at selling your addresses. Should your bonus pack of free

coupons or unwanted copy of Golf Digest appeal to our finer

sensibilities, well, that's a different matter. +++

** Last Week's Contest: SUN SIGN SWAP. Last week, we asked

you to consider changing your sun sign. Which one would you

choose if you could? Some of you wouldn't change a single thing.

Many opt for Gemini or Aquarius. Others, duh, would like to be

Leos. And Pisces, whoda known?

" For the most part, " muses BRIDJET WATSON, " I think my sign

[Cancer] is the best, however emotional. To choose between the

11 remaining signs has been a big mental chore, but in talking

with my best friend, I've decided on *la tauro*, the bull. That is

her sign and I find her qualities most appealing. She is sensual,

smart, silly, selfish, sweet, and solid. She stands her ground

even if it means hurting the ones she loves, whereas I tend to get

wrapped up in how they feel. She loves to travel, write, dance,

create and sleep -- so do I. She is the epitome of independence,

and if I were la tauro I would most like to learn that trait.

Cancers are more interdependent, I've noticed. In addition, I

would never pick Aquarius -- every water-bearer I've met has

been a stuck-up self-righteous person, not at all the

humanitarians they are supposed to be. Hmm, I guess I could

pick Aquarius and try to give them a better name. "

BROWN-EYED GIRL might have something to pick with Bridjet

as she writes, " I will stay an Aquarian. I like being different. I

want the excitement of making love on a cliff in a sports car. I

enjoy making love to other Aquarians; I see their souls, they

seem to know what I need better than does any other sign. I do not

think there is any other sign that has such an exotic life style. I

don't want my life to be boring. And when I read other signs --

they are boring. . . . Aquarians make the universe a more

exciting place to live. "

" Oh! To be an Aquarius for a month! " swoons EMG. " My house

would be clean, my files organized, my accounts up-to-date, and

my clothes hangers spaced. Of course, from my experiences with

my two best Aquarius friends, I [know that I] would have to bury

all important emotions for that month, breaking out only to cry

for Hallmark commercials. Upon returning to my kooky Virgo

self, I would soon bury all traces of my clean floors with

clothing and the bane of my existence -- paper. Oosh -- just

realized that I'm not so forthcoming with the emotions either --

is that why we love each other so? Dang, I guess this

means I have to work on organization AND showing emotion!

Funny how sometimes homework causes more homework. . . . "

" I am blissfully cool and aloof as an Aquarius, 50 years ahead of

my time, and not even minding, " writes KELLYK. " I wouldn't

trade my interest in the world and its mad designs for anything. I

also love my love of ideas and the way I value friendship far

above sex alone. I would, however, be open to

receiving some of the depth and steadiness of my sister, a

Cancer, or the downright sexiness and playfulness of my Scorpio

friends. Also, a Capricorn influence might really help me

organize my finances a little bit better, and a Taurean vibe could

sure probably help me spiff my apartment up a bit. Oh, screw

that one. I'll never be [Leo] Martha . "

DANI explains why she wouldn't change from being an Aquarian:

" I can say anything that I want and I don't have to explain myself

because very few would understand me anyway, and the few who

do understand KNOW better than to expect a solid explanation for

anything from me. But if I had to change sun signs, I'd like to be

on the Taurus/Gemini cusp, because then I could truly have

THREE personalities without too many people batting an

Astrological eyelash. "

But LEO -- a name, not a sun sign -- sees the other side of

waterbearing. " As an Aquarius with a Cancer moon (2/14/73),

I am tired of having my psyche pull in opposite directions all the

time. Given the choice, I would choose a brainy and down-to-

earth Gemini disposition. In Gemini people I tend to find the

qualities I admire in myself the most, minus the inner turmoil. I

have the feeling this is a trick question, because as I write this I

realize that the grass is always greener on the other side. "

Probably true, as JAEL WILLIAMS writes that she has " Cancer

rising, and I'd rather be a Gemini. Gemini people have so much

fun with words and people, and can skip light-heartedly through

the cosmos, magnetically attracting others who do the same. It's

like a great party, where everybody knows how to have fun. "

Yep, says JUNBUG, who confirms Jael's best suspicions by

reporting, " How much more change could a Gemini possibly need

than to stay her own sweet self? It's like asking a leopard if she

wants a new set of spots, but offering tiger stripes, zebra

stripes, or a lemur's tail stripes as replacement. Her own

infinite variety is already so interesting! "

BARBARA KELLY knows Barbara , writing, " Barbara

is exchanging Pisces for Gemini this week because she could use

extra doses of wit and charm to make a spontaneous vacation read

like a sparkling travel piece in the most hip magazine! "

And TRISH MOORE reads all 12 sun signs each week, if only to

confirm her view that " being a Gemini is about as good as it gets.

I wouldn't trade it. There are times when I think Rob is out to get

us, but the next week we are shining as brightly as ever and all

is well. After all, Gemini's can start each day anew, maybe even

each moment, and that in itself is a blessing most are seeking.

Gee, maybe we can even start our own religion! Gotta love it! "

This Virgo writes, " The first trade that came to mind was

Sagittarius because the ones I've known have been light-hearted,

ambitious, seekers who inhabit contradictions gracefully -- and

have great laughs. However, in researching the sign, I learned

that the Archer's flaw was sending arrows in all directions with

no focus. Going from not being able to see the forest for the trees

to seeing a big fuzzy green blob wouldn't be much of an

improvement. . . . that left me back with my standard decade-old,

hands-down favorite sign. . . . Tell me who in the world would

say, 'Gee, no thanks, I don't want to be warm, magnetic,

creative, playful, romantic, self-respecting, protective of

friends, admired by strangers, adored by children and

sartorially splendid to boot'? Leo *always* has the best

horoscopes. Weighing the pros and cons, I wouldn't mind

swapping houses with my neighbor to be the one issuing orders

for awhile, but I'd want to do it in a less imperious way so I'd

have to be on the Cancer/Leo cusp. I found in another book that

asking for that, though, is asking to follow in Zelda Fitzgerald's

footsteps, which makes me . . . nervous. . . . "

" It is EXACTLY times like these I should be crawling into

someone else's skin, " moans the Leo-born RACCOON DOG

KENDAL, who in fact may not feel that she always has the best

horoscope. " I have been trying, but my ego pulls through and

shouts no no no! My troubles are worth gold! My flaws are

endearing in the long run! There had better be a damn good

reason for the astrological pile of steamy horse shit falling on

my head and the last girl standing will win in the end! Courage,

Leo! "

But TIGERLION doesn't need courage to enjoy herself, writing,

" I'm a Leo and wouldn't change a thing about being me on this

trip. I love this ride (it's an E ticket) -- especially the bumps

that have been painful. I've learned a lot so far, (sometimes I

even get it on the first try) and I'm absolutely certain I'm just

getting started. "

And SHARON HANNA would like to be less like her Scorpio self

and more like her red-haired Leo son. Here's why; you may not

much like her Mr. Leo, but he'll grow out of it, right?: " This Leo

is the king of kings, the imperious ruler of the household. His

room is a denizen of crap. . . . He drinks out of the milk carton,

puts empty food containers back in the fridge. . . .tells me I am

disorganized. . . . [and] sometimes, when I ask him to do

something, he says 'Go fuck yourself!' I am serious. When I deal

with him I often feel almost as if he is 'abusing' me -- not

physically maybe, but certainly at some level, maybe emotional.

.. . . The thing is, I am so sucked in by him. . . . How come

Scorpios get sucked in so bad by Leos? My other son is an

Aquarius, and this was not the case -- he would never EVER tell

me to fuck off. " Mr. Leo needs to pull his act together or feel a fierce

fiscal boot.

KATE confides that she is " very attached to my lioness-ness, now

that I've grown into it. As a youngster, I never thought it fit. I

was a shy cat who secretly craved the spotlight, but didn't --

and still don't, now that I think about it -- like to be thrust into

it on someone else's whim or timeline. Now, in my 40s, I've

come to accept my double dose of Leo (sun and rising, and

Venus in Leo, too, so does that actually make me a triple Leo?) so

I think I'll keep it. However, I wouldn't mind a dash more earth

now and again, and a splash of air to fuel my fire, and perhaps

give this blow-torch a touch more focus and follow-through. "

JEZANNA gets rhetorical, wondering, " Why would I want to be

anyone other than a Sagittarius? We get to travel and pontificate

and optimize and stretch and grow and stick our great big feet in

our great big mouths. What could be more fun than that? What

ruling planet could be better than Jupiter, traditionally the

'greater benefic'? Nope, I'm not trading my sign. I might trade a

certain week's horoscope, though, if I weren't so inclined to

make the best of everything. "

" I am a Cancer and I hate it, we are so boring, " confides TYRA. " I

would rather be a Libra because they are sociable and outgoing

and smart, or a Sagittarius because they are good in bed,

sociable, and have a great spirit. "

Ah, but DARIA SCHAFFNIT wouldn't give it up for anything but

the finest bull, writing, " Because I love being a Cancer, because

Taurus is the closest thing to Cancer, and because I have a

Taurean fairy godmother and a Taurean fairy godfather whom I

love dearly, I would choose to be a Taurus -- if I couldn't be a

Cancer! "

This anonymous respondent writes, " I would be a Taurus -- the

weather is always better -- but then I'd want my moon in Pisces

instead of the other way around. But [i wouldn't want to be] a

Virgo, or a Leo. "

FIRECHILD shakes his Aries-blessed head and writes, " SWAP my

sun for something else? NoNoNo. Have you gone mad? You're

joking, right? OK, I recognize others might feel less secure in

their cosmic skin, but me? I was given this 'security' in my

birthday suit for a reason. Unfortunately, there are other

waters I'm less capable of navigating gracefully, but that's not

the question, or is it? . . . "

Sheesh, Firechild, meet RAMCHILD, who horns in with this

message: " I would never change sun signs when I already am the

best. (I'm sure nobody will say they want to change to be an

Aries, but they should. And that doesn't bother me, because only

the best will do for us Aries people, and clearly the rest are just

not good enough.) "

" As an Capricorn with Aquarius rising I love Aries! " shouts

SUSAN BAKER. " My ex-husband was and several boyfriends are

or have been Aries. My mentor is, too. I think I love Aries

because they are more fucked up then I am (which I will admit is

pretty fucked up) and they don't care! It's that, 'I come first or

you don't come AT ALL' attitude I admire. The OK-I-said-one-

thing-and-did-another-what's-your-problem? [it's the] dazzle

them with bullshit, all with a straight face, that sends me into

the floor hysterical. I wish I could do that! "

But KELLY MORSE feels something fishy all the way from Spain,

writing, " If I could change my sign, it would be to Pisces, out of

the sheer envy I get when I hear about their juicy, sexy lives.

I'm a Taurus, and while I get forecasts about me plodding along

and scoldings about being stubborn, I long to dive into the

newsprint and read instead that I should learn flamenco dancing.

Pisces seem to be everything roundly sensual and wet --

something a lush purple and red. I think of Pisces and see velvet

everywhere. I don't think everyone fits their sign stereotypes

exactly, and I have a naked dancing side of my own. However, I

think I would like to luxuriate on Pisces' slippery couch for a

week and see how it feels. "

Well, here's word from the slippery couch, as boasted by

LINDSAY, who writes, " I would not change sun signs if given the

opportunity -- being a Pisces is an adventure every day. I've heard

my sign referred to as the 'dustbin of the Zodiac,' and I am lucky

to be a mosaic of the stars. "

And here's another flip of a Pisces' tale, as SAMANTHA reasons,

" I haven't really been possessive of my sun sign until you

suggested I trade it in! In fact I have always thought of myself as

a Pisces, cougar (Indian totem animal), monkey (Chinese

astrology) mix as they all give great insight into my basic

nature. I have flipped between them as I felt like it. Now, at the

thought of a swap, I suddenly find that my Pisces fins and gills

are very near and dear to my heart. While the other signs are

lovely I'm sure, they just don't resonate with my mermaid soul.

I did think about trying on the rams horns (attractive but too

impulsive); the Scorpio's sexy stinger (one-track mind if you

know what I mean); then there was Libra's scales (way too

middle of the road), and so on. Felt a bit like Goldie Locks 'til I

circled back to Pisces and then it was 'just right' -- so I say NO

WAY to a swap, although I do encourage all the other signs to try

on the gills and come for a magical, mystical, mystery swim

with me in deep waters. You may not want a permanent set of

fins, but I guarantee you will be seduced by the sensuous caress of

the water in places you didn't know needed to be touched. "

And HANNAH FRITZ sighs, " I wish I wish I were a Pisces. No

offense to Mother Venus, but I've been sucked in by Fishy appeal,

and suddenly my Libran scales can't compare to an actual

amphibian set. " That tank's getting crowded, Hannah!

SHANA thinks a moment and then responds, " I am a Taurus, and I

think that if I had to change my sign, I would like to change it to

Scorpio. I know that Scorpio is my polar opposite, but it is also

my rising sign. I know some Scorpios, and they are very strong

people (but very sweet inside). They also are very social, and I

think it is a great sign. "

And JOSIE writes, " If I could change my astrological sign I'd

change it to Leo because I was born a Scorpio with Leo rising.

People see my Leo rising and expect me to be always up and

ready to party when sometimes I'm not. "

" I think I'll stay a Virgo, thank you, " says SALLY. " Despite the

prevailing societal image of uptight, frigid, anal

control freaks, I find a great deal of freedom and

power in my sun sign. Not only do I relish the idea

of connectedness with the earth, but I thrive on and

strive for the groundedness Virgos are supposed to

embody. (I admit, I tend to see the ultimate Virgo as

the Queen of Pentacles in the tarot deck, and believe

you me, she's somebody I'd really like to be.)

Certainly Virgo's emphasis on the practical and a

lingering need for security tend to get in the way of

my work as an actor (though they make me a damn fine

secretary). Those drives are counterbalanced, though,

by the healer in me who is constantly searching for

ways to sooth and calm those fears. "

FROG isn't certain which way to leap, figuring, " I think if I had

anything BUT a Capricorn Sun, my Gemini Moon would mess

things up pretty good. But that ol' Moon seems to mess things up

pretty good anyway. Maybe if I had an Aquarius Sun I wouldn't

mind so much. It would get along better with my 1st house

Uranus, too. "

Because no one really spoke up for the wonders of Capricorn, we

offer this one from the Personality Test Bulletin Boards, where

the homework is also posted each week

(http://cgi.newcity.com/cgi/WebX?13@@.ee6d632.) There, HELIOS

writes in part, " I suppose, if I had my druthers, I'd like to be a

Capricorn.

All of the Capricorns I've known have the natural ability to be

disarmingly freakish, without seeming contrived, or like

lunatics, and still get on with the mundane things in life without

missing a beat. They are the funkiest sign. If you want to do

something like a fusion between Zydeco, Guy Lombardo, and

Ministry -- a Capricorn could find the corollary points and

make it sing like the birds in the trees. They never take credit

for the things that they cultivate in your life. They are really

good at being 'pals.' "

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHICH WAY you look, the In-House FWA

10-year-old is a Taurus and quite pleased to be so, thank you

very much. Perhaps it is therefore fateful that a steady hand

used to touching velvet and good chocolates after rearranging the

paperwork relevant to an early retirement plan landed

luxuriously upon the e-mail sent by KELLYK as this week's

winner. will soon be spiffing up to the tunes of either

Rob's band World Entertainment War's

disc " Give Too Much " (whose mp3s keep a tidy house at

this address:

http://www.freewillastrology.com/pages/music.shtml),

" This Is True " columnist Randy Cassingham's " Get Out of Hell

Free " cards, or World Music maven Suzanne Sterling's new

album, " Bhakti. "

Thanks as always for playing! Don't deny yourself a damned thing

when writing in for next week.

++++++++++++++++++++++

All the Important Parts written by Rob Brezsny

Edited by Gretchen Giles from the FWA International Pink Farm

Nerve Center and Tantric Spa

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