Helping child deal with death

[Guest guest]

I am sorry for starting the day with such a hard topic. But I am at a lose right now on how to handle this and need as much input as can be offered. My father is losing a 10 year battle with lung deaese. He has been in ICU since late Sunday and each day has been harder and harder for him to get air moving. We took up to see him Monday, butit took 30 of him standing at Dads door before he would let us guide him in. Even than all he could do is sit in the chair ad not talk to anyone. I have accepted the fact that may not be able to talk to his Grandpa when he looks like this. So I have not forced him to go in the room or even go to the hospital. Mom and Dad met with all his specialist this morning and Dad has asked that he be allowed to go. I will respect my father wishes, no matter how hard they are, but I am worried about reaction after he passes. We have lost other close to us but never

anyone this close. I also know that will go into his 3-6 week stage of talking about death, dieing, everyone is dying, why did grandpa die, how did grandpa did, why did his lung stop, why didn't the doctors help him, and etc. Bob & I understand why he is asking these questions, but other familiy memebrs will get highly upset when he contains to ask these question. I am trying to develop aplan to hand things when he ask people, and he will be asking everyone at the funeral home, the funeral and he sees until he has it all out of his head. I also know that will be in a drop of the dime crying state for a while over mssing his Grandpa. I understand this is normal. I have called the therapist that used to work with him and also have talked to a social worker with Stain Hospit about their grief program for kids and she is hooking us up with them today. Please help me figure out what we can do to help be more social

approprate in this setting BeckyBecky Mother to , 16, Autism, Epilepsy, Cerebal Palsy, MR, ADHD Everybody has barriers and obstacles. If you look at them as containing fences that don't allow you to advance, then you're going to be a failure. If you look at them as hurdles that strengthen you each time you go over one, then you're going to be a success. Carson Surgeon

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[Guest guest]

I'm really sorry for the loss of your father in the near future.

While my situation was totally different, and I'm not suggesting the

same, this is what we did recently when we had a loss....

We had a dog that died in August, he was 12. My son had lived with

him his entire life. We knew he was dying (liver failure) so we had

some time to prepare. We started with talking about how sometimes

when people/animals are sick and/or old they die. It's very sad and

we'll miss him terribly but he knows we loved him and we can always

think about him, etc. I reminded my son every day of this and just

told him point blank that the dog was going to die. People told me I

was morbid but a few weeks later, when the dog did die, I took him

aside and I told him what happened and it was ok to be upset, etc. He

did run and look for the dog, came back, sat quietly for a while

looking sad and then seemed to move on. Now three months later he

asks about the situation--where's Jack? And we talk about it again.

After he died he did talk about death constantly for a few weeks but I

just warned everyone that it would happen. I think the best thing I

did was to contstantly remind him that it was coming once or twice a

day before it actually happened. I also told him that we weren't

going to die, Jackie was dying because he was sick and old, etc.

I wish you the best and I'm very sorry for your loss.

[Guest guest]

I'm really sorry for the loss of your father in the near future.

While my situation was totally different, and I'm not suggesting the

same, this is what we did recently when we had a loss....

We had a dog that died in August, he was 12. My son had lived with

him his entire life. We knew he was dying (liver failure) so we had

some time to prepare. We started with talking about how sometimes

when people/animals are sick and/or old they die. It's very sad and

we'll miss him terribly but he knows we loved him and we can always

think about him, etc. I reminded my son every day of this and just

told him point blank that the dog was going to die. People told me I

was morbid but a few weeks later, when the dog did die, I took him

aside and I told him what happened and it was ok to be upset, etc. He

did run and look for the dog, came back, sat quietly for a while

looking sad and then seemed to move on. Now three months later he

asks about the situation--where's Jack? And we talk about it again.

After he died he did talk about death constantly for a few weeks but I

just warned everyone that it would happen. I think the best thing I

did was to contstantly remind him that it was coming once or twice a

day before it actually happened. I also told him that we weren't

going to die, Jackie was dying because he was sick and old, etc.

I wish you the best and I'm very sorry for your loss.

[Guest guest]

My dad died suddenly of heart failure last year so I didn't even have the chance to explain to my 11 year old what was happening. He would not go near the coffin at first, luckily we had a two day wake so by the second day he approached the coffin and touched my dad's face and gave him a hug. My son seemed to understand but was not acting too upset even though he was close to his grandfather. I explained to him that grandpa had died and was in heaven. He had a tantrum type episode at the burial/cemetery that I now know was due to his grief. For almost a year he would suddenly go into crying spells and say miss grandpa, or sad about grandpa and we'd cuddle for a while. I keep a few pictures of my dad on the refrigerator and around the house and that seems to help. For many visits to the cemetery (which were not that often since we live over an hour and a half away) my son did not want to get out of the car, so we let him stay put. Finally last August on the year anniversary, he got out of the car and went to the grave site and said hello to grandpa.

My suggestions for what they're worth:

I think your concern has to be for your son and yourself and your mom. I don't know how your son reacts but maybe if you talk to him a lot about your dad when other family is not around, he may ask less in their presence. I would hope your family would be understanding of your son as mine was with my son (his tantrum at the cemetery including slapping someone, grabbing at the flowers, almost falling in the grave, and of course screaming). I can suggest you have an understanding friend around to help with him at that time in case something similar happens. It could be a bit frightening for your son to see his grandpa all hooked up to the machinery, ask him if he wants to go see him/go into the room and respect what he answers. When the time comes, you might also want to bring him to funeral parlor before regular visiting hours and let him see everything and ask questions. I'm sure most funeral parlors would accommodate you if you explain the situation.

I came to the realization with my son that he was experiencing everything in his own way and just let it happen and consoled him/answered questions/volunteered info as much as possible.

Hope this helps a bit, my prayers are with you, your dad and family

I am sorry for starting the day with such a hard topic. But I am at a lose right now on how to handle this and need as much input as can be offered.My father is losing a 10 year battle with lung deaese. He has been in ICU since late Sunday and each day has been harder and harder for him to get air moving. We took up to see him Monday, butit took 30 of him standing at Dads door before he would let us guide him in. Even than all he could do is sit in the chair ad not talk to anyone. I have accepted the fact that may not be able to talk to his Grandpa when he looks like this. So I have not forced him to go in the room or even go to the hospital.Mom and Dad met with all his specialist this morning and Dad has asked that he be allowed to go. I will respect my father wishes, no matter how hard they are, but I am worried about reaction after he passes. We have lost other close to us but never anyone this close. I also know that will go into his 3-6 week stage of talking about death, dieing, everyone is dying, why did grandpa die, how did grandpa did, why did his lung stop, why didn't the doctors help him, and etc. Bob & I understand why he is asking these questions, but other familiy memebrs will get highly upset when he contains to ask these question. I am trying to develop aplan to hand things when he ask people, and he will be asking everyone at the funeral home, the funeral and he sees until he has it all out of his head. I also know that will be in a drop of the dime crying state for a while over mssing his Grandpa. I understand this is normal. I have called the therapist that used to workwith him and also have talked to a social worker with Stain Hospit about their grief program for kids and she is hooking us up with them today. Please help me figure out what we can do to help be more social approprate in this settingBecky