Death and cremation

[Guest guest]

Monday a friend of our lost a year long battle with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. understands that Mark was sick, he knows that Mark has been in and out of the hospital. He understands, after alot of work, that Mark was to sick to go fishing with him. We told last night about Mark passing. He is upset and we answered his questions without saying Lymphoma or cancer. We took this approuch because knowing if anyone else he knows in his lifetime is Dx with any form of cancer he will be positive that means they will die soon. Now here is the problem. has attended funerals in the past and has handeled them well. This is the 1st time that someone is being cremated. feels going to the funeral his is last chance to see Mark and tell him what a special buddy he was to him an dthat he loves him. But with cremation there is no body in a coffin to look at, touch or talk to. The familiy is having a

memorial service, and we know that expects to go. But how do we explain to him that this is a choice that Mark made and it is ok. How do we explain cremation to him without saying how it is done, trust me he will ask. How do we help him through a process that is now changed for him? He is as I said used to seeing a body, touching the hand and telling the press how he feels. Thanks for any input Becky Mother to , 15, Autism, Epilepsy, Cerebal Palsy, MR Everybody has barriers and obstacles. If you look at them as containing fences that don't allow you to advance, then you're going to be a failure. If you look at them as hurdles that strengthen you each time you go over one, then you're going to be a success. Carson

Surgeon

Stay in the know. Pulse on the new .com. Check it out.

[Guest guest]

That's a tough one, Becky, ya know? No matter what you say, he's

going to have a hard time dealing with the concept of no open

casket... or any casket for that matter. But as more and more people

choose cremation over burial, this will not be the last funeral of

this nature that he will attend. I went to my first funeral

involving cremation just a few years ago. I have to admit that as an

adult who has fully accepted the concept, I still had a difficult

time. It's true. Not only is there no one to say " good-bye " to, but

it's hard to visualize the concept of a full sized body being

encrypted in a small urn. It took me awhile to accept the burning of

this person you loved... but, it's inevitable.

does sound so very sensitive and caring. Maybe you could

explain to him that in the Bible, the words " Ashes to Ashes, Dust to

Dust means that God created man out of nothing but the ashes and

dust of the earth. After one lives a full life and he no longer

needs his body, it is fitting to return that body to the earth. That

can be done either through burial or committing the ashes to the

ground. If this person is having his ashes scattered, that might be

a particularly positive thought, as he would become a part of the

place on earth that he loved the most.

How the body becomes ashes can be explained that the funeral service

has a facility that will take care of it. The family then picks out

a small " casket like " urn where the ashes will be placed.

You can explain that when a person dies, it is really only his body

that dies. That person's spirit will live on. Although this

Spirit or " Soul " will now live happily with Jesus, can still

talk to him in his thoughts, and he will hear him. Sometimes, I

explain to children that a person's Spirit becomes like a Guardian

Angel who can now watch over him. He can even give messages

directly too God.

The closing thought can be that this person was so ill and his body

just hurt him too much. God knew that, so he asked him to come home

to Heaven. He's happy now, with God and the Angels!

My best to you and your family.

-Trish

--- In , becky griggs <sleeplessohio@...>

wrote:

Monday a friend of our lost a year long battle with Non-Hodgkin's

Lymphoma. understands that Mark was sick, he knows that Mark

has been in and out of the hospital. He understands, after alot of

work, that Mark was to sick to go fishing with him.

We told last night about Mark passing. He is upset and we

answered his questions without saying Lymphoma or cancer. We took

this approuch because knowing if anyone else he knows in his

lifetime is Dx with any form of cancer he will be positive that

means they will die soon.

Now here is the problem. has attended funerals in the past

and has handeled them well. This is the 1st time that someone is

being cremated. feels going to the funeral his is last chance

to see Mark and tell him what a special buddy he was to him an dthat

he loves him. But with cremation there is no body in a coffin to

look at, touch or talk to. The familiy is having a memorial service,

and we know that expects to go. But how do we explain to him

that this is a choice that Mark made and it is ok. How do we explain

cremation to him without saying how it is done, trust me he will

ask. How do we help him through a process that is now changed for

him? He is as I said used to seeing a body, touching the hand and

telling the press how he feels.

Thanks for any input

Becky

Mother to , 15, Autism, Epilepsy, Cerebal Palsy, MR

Everybody has barriers and obstacles. If you look at them as

containing fences that don't allow you to advance, then you're going

to be a failure. If you look at them as hurdles that strengthen you

each time you go over one, then you're going to be a success.

Carson

Surgeon

---------------------------------

Stay in the know. Pulse on the new .com. Check it out.

--- End forwarded message ---

[Guest guest]

Hmmm...this is a tough one. I know that even as an adult, I have a hard time with closed caskets, let alone cremation. Perhaps it's the doubting part of me, but in death, I am a "seeing is believing" type of person. In fact, my father died when I was 6. Many people, who meant well, I'm sure, told my mom that she shouldn't take my sister and me to the wake and funeral. My family are open casket folks...I guess we all have to see it to believe it. But seeing it makes it real. I have to admit, I thanked my mother years later for taking us to Daddy's wake and funeral, because if she hadn't, there would probably still be some part of me (okay, irrational as it may be, but feelings aren't right or wrong, they just ARE) that would think, "Maybe he's not really dead. Maybe someday, he's going to walk through that door." I know that won't happen, because I saw it. So, I'm with you there.

So, what do you do when you can't see it...especially to a person who might be very visual, as many Autists are? Hmmm....Well, I loved everything Trish had to say, and I'd definitely use her suggestions (good thoughts, Trish!). Perhaps the other thing you could do is go to the bookstore, or if you are of a particular religious persuasion, perhaps a religious bookstore would be a good place, and see if you can find some books on the subject. I know of some, but I haven't actually used them with my kids. And since I don't know if your son is a visual person, or maybe someone who likes to express himself in words, pictures, creative writing, etc., I don't know which would be the best for him, but here are some ideas:

Waterbugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children by Doris Stickney

Angel Catcher for Kids: A Journal to Help You Remember the Person You Love Who Died (Spiral-bound) by Adam McCauley

or, if the age range is too young on that one, there's this one:

Angel Catcher: A Journal of Loss and Remembrance (Spiral-bound) by Kathy Eldon, Amy Eldon, beth Zeilon

But the above two would only be good if your son likes or wants to express his feelings in words, pictures, etc. I know my sons aren't good at that yet, so if that's not your son's style, perhaps the first one would be better.

I'm sure there are plenty others. If you look on Amazon.com, you're bound to find some that maybe you can then call up the local bookstore and see if they have on hand. Sometimes, even calling up the bookstore and explaining what you're looking for can be helpful in directing you to the right book.

Wow...I hope something here helps. I'm sorry for your loss.

--Suzanne

[Guest guest]

Suzanne,

I totally agree with you about seein the dead body. I've been to a couple of those wakes/funerals, and the last one, was for a strange situation. It was one of the last Catholic churches that I attened in Atlanta. He was a young pastor, and he flew to California to receive his Phd and died of the flu, of all things. But he was only 47, and he had a identical twin brother. So, anyway, I was this wake, and his brother flew in from somewhere and lost his luggage (typical Hartsfield airport) and so he had to wear his brother's uniform or robes. Both were priests! So, his twin is walking around smiling, of all things, and everyone like me was trippin!!!! I was like, is he really dead, it was totally wierd.

Welll anyway, long story short, by the time I got to the front where we could kneel in front of the casket and pray, I put my finger in and touched the body, and it was hard as a rock. So, then I was like, well Fr. Pat is dead and that's that. His cheerful brother was sauntering around was just a strange coincidence I guess. I told his mother my regrets and said that he was very nice to me and my family. The mother, said that her son wasn't very nice person! I just looked over my shoulder, as if Fr. Pat were to jump out and yell at his mom, and I said to her, you know he's right there......so wierd......that was the strangest wake I ever went to....

Patti

----- Original Message ----From: SBShaft@...To: Sent: Thursday, September 7, 2006 10:42:34 AMSubject: Re: [ ] Death and cremation

Hmmm...this is a tough one. I know that even as an adult, I have a hard time with closed caskets, let alone cremation. Perhaps it's the doubting part of me, but in death, I am a "seeing is believing" type of person. In fact, my father died when I was 6. Many people, who meant well, I'm sure, told my mom that she shouldn't take my sister and me to the wake and funeral. My family are open casket folks...I guess we all have to see it to believe it. But seeing it makes it real. I have to admit, I thanked my mother years later for taking us to Daddy's wake and funeral, because if she hadn't, there would probably still be some part of me (okay, irrational as it may be, but feelings aren't right or wrong, they just ARE) that would think, "Maybe he's not really dead. Maybe someday, he's going to walk through that door." I know that won't happen, because I saw it. So, I'm with you

there.

So, what do you do when you can't see it...especially to a person who might be very visual, as many Autists are? Hmmm....Well, I loved everything Trish had to say, and I'd definitely use her suggestions (good thoughts, Trish!). Perhaps the other thing you could do is go to the bookstore, or if you are of a particular religious persuasion, perhaps a religious bookstore would be a good place, and see if you can find some books on the subject. I know of some, but I haven't actually used them with my kids. And since I don't know if your son is a visual person, or maybe someone who likes to express himself in words, pictures, creative writing, etc., I don't know which would be the best for him, but here are some ideas:

Waterbugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children by Doris Stickney

Angel Catcher for Kids: A Journal to Help You Remember the Person You Love Who Died (Spiral-bound) by Adam McCauley

or, if the age range is too young on that one, there's this one:

Angel Catcher: A Journal of Loss and Remembrance (Spiral-bound) by Kathy Eldon, Amy Eldon, beth Zeilon

But the above two would only be good if your son likes or wants to express his feelings in words, pictures, etc. I know my sons aren't good at that yet, so if that's not your son's style, perhaps the first one would be better.

I'm sure there are plenty others. If you look on Amazon.com, you're bound to find some that maybe you can then call up the local bookstore and see if they have on hand. Sometimes, even calling up the bookstore and explaining what you're looking for can be helpful in directing you to the right book.

Wow...I hope something here helps. I'm sorry for your loss.

--Suzanne