yes this is long but susan asked for it blame her lol

[Guest guest]

*on a serious note for anyone needing uplifting..........read this

........bc it is what i do when i what to remember how far i have come*

Well here it goes........remember u asked for it.......LOL

In 1969 i was born in long beach, california to a Native american father in

the army and my mother *mostly German* who was in beauty school there but

originally from MN.

My father got out of army and returned to NC where he was from and my

mother came shortly to let my father see me for the first time and my

grandparents ......well my mohter left me for over 6 months and then came

back to get me rite b4 my yr birthday..........everyone was really attached

to me but regardless i was uprooted and taken to MN with my mother

In MN my grandmother owned and operated a hotel in New Praque MN ...so from

the age of 12 my mother bar tended in this hotel when she lived at home...

i remember us going to a nondenominational church on back of a motorcycle

it was the only transportation we had i memba being able to fall asleep on

the way back home and my mom would drive with one hand and hold me up with

the other i was prolly 7 at the time...i would visit my father during the

summers and i really loved being around peeps that looked like

me.........in New praque i was the only nonwhite person there i memba my

mom tellin me that the community thought i was black bc i wasnt

white......i had dark hair and dark eyes.........however my mom told me

this i NEVER felt any of it......my primary caregivers were not her.......i

was always with babysitters......my little grandma as i grew to call her

was not even related to me she was sumone who babysitted me a WHOLE

lot........i loved her dearly........and she loved me like one of her

grandchildren.......another one of my babysitters at the hotel was

OTTO.....he would take me fishing i loved OTTO ......so both of these peeps

were my primary caregivers my mother was always busy

tired yet susan? lol.......there is a point to all this madness LOL

neways in 1976 my mother got married to a guy from NC (one of my dads

friends she met on one of our summers there )and we moved there........

durin the course of the period of 1976-1981 when she divorced many things

happened..

* i saw her get beat repeatedly by this m an........

* she was no longer in AA like she was in MN but she was drinkin again bc

this man drank and when they both drank u can be rest assured there would

be a fite......

i remember one time havin to run to get his gun and load it and run out in

the yaard where he was standin bout to drop a large cement block on my

mothers head cause they had fought and she was knocked out on the front

yard unconscious......i came back with gun and i yelled at him that i would

shoot his brains out if she dropped that block on her and i meant

it.......I WOULD HAVE......he put it back ....one thing bout my s tep

father he never TOUCHED me bc he knew my dad would kill him and my dad

would have.......

i watched at they fought with neighbors one time and they both got locked

up and the other neighbors got me till they came out of jail....

i watched as my mom was drivin away one time and he put his hand thru

window and started pullin her hair and she started screamin but did not

stop drivin bc she knew wot he would do.......i was is car felt so

helpless.......he just pulled out a huge hunk of her hair and she drove

away hysterically.......

so many times i watched them as they fought.........i had no comfort.....no

solace......EXCEPT for food.......noone to talk to.......noone to listen to

me .....i never felt like i bonded with my mother and now i felt very

alone........i no longer had my lil grandma and otto in MN ......that was

devastating......

my mom finally left him in 1981 moved out to stay with one of her

girlfriends.......well i thought this would be better ..........and it was

i guess better then that fiting.......still had drugs and alcohol and

parties with men.....and still didnt have my mother.......noone it seemed

had time for me except for when iw ent to my dads on the weekends.......and

it was there i felt loved.......but then my mom for spite stopped allowin g

me to go there.......a few nites i can rememver vividly.....one was after a

party they had with many guys there and a fite broke

out.......well several peeps got stabbed and ambulance was called ......i

was in bed when it allstarted i got up wonderin wot i heard.......my mom

told me to go back to my room .......she was drunk as usual but when the

ambulance she got me back up so i could clean the blood up that was all

over the living room i spent hours that nite cleaning....as she and her

roomate lay passed out.......i was in the 7th grade at this time and i

weight bout 180lbs.........food was still my best friend........MY ONLY

FRIEND.........not long after that mymom went to the beach with her boy

friend...... durin that weekend me and my moms friend got into a

fite......a twenty sumthin yr old woman......started fighting me bcc she

told me to cut grass on a sunday i told her that my father said i wasnt

spose to cut grass on sunday.......she jumped on me........well i was

big...i was as tall and ALMOST as big as her........i guess she thought i

was an EZ win........WRONG.......i learned to fite and be ruthless a

looooooooong time ago......she should have known that........she got a

black eye out of deal.....one in which my mother rubbed in her face when

she got back home.......that she had no rite.......i couldnt believe my

mother took my side.......that was so unlike her......

shortly after that my mom and i moved out on our own..........this is when

our problems began.......i was in 8th grade.......she expected

perfection.....her daily routine was work come home and

DRINK...........mine was school.....come home and EAT......but then she

started restricting my eating.........she took that away........i was

almost 200lbs at this point.......my mom would jump on my case when she was

drunk bout dishes, bout floors bout anything that was not perfect.......

i remembe rhaving to change the gears on our lil pinto when we would go

places bc my mother could not work both the clutch and the gears and steer

when she was drunk so i taught myself the gears....so i could help

her........growing up i was my mothers caregiver........i had to take care

of her........bc she was almost always drunk.........

to make a long story short..........LOL......one morning she jumped me

accused me of takin 50 cent piences that she got when her brother died they

were his and I LOVED HIM DEARLY i named my son after him........sooooooooo

i would have NEVER done that.........*she had hid them and forgotten where

she hid em * anyways she approached me and started tellin me to give

them to her i told her i didnt have em she czlled me a liar and started

pushin me towards the closet backin me up i refused to be put in there i

had no idea wot she mite do so i pushed her off of me and ran out of

house........this is when i went to call my father from

store........collect call.......and he came to pick me up........

my mother int urn took papers out on me ........i was scheduled for court

on june 20 1982 my 13th birthday i got put on SUPERVISED probation for a

year bc my mother said i struck her in the eye.....i did push here and my

finger went in her eye when i was tryin to get away from her........but it

was not intentional it was to get away......i never knew wot my mother

would do to me when she was drunk.......my mother is 6 foot 2 and weighted

at that time bout 190lbs.....so yes i was very afraid of my mother esp when

she was drunk.......

needless to say that day was the last day i spent at my mothers

house........my dad filed for custody and he got it..........a few months

after my june court date........i was very bitter towards my mother for

takin me to court but not only that for doing it on my 13th bdaay...

when i went to my dads house i became a straight 'A " student.........when i

graduated from hs i had gotten many awards........was a member of the

national honor society was parliamentarian of the math club, got the

trigonometry award and advanced chemistry awards for the whole school and

got the robert c byrd honors scholarship when i graduated............i was

number 4 out of class of 495

even played basketball in my early hs years but t hen chose to continue in

chorus and advanced chorus.............one of my most memorable times was

when i got the ooppurtunity to sing on stage at my hs graduation

.........and when i stood up there with my honors chords.....all during this

time FOOD WAS still my best friend my native american family believed in

eating eating eating i didnt get any restricitions on food and it was then

i realized whyyyyyyyyyyy my mohther restricted me.......i weighed about

275lbs when i graduated from high school.........unlike some of you i was

not ridiculed at all for my weight i am large framed and i didnt looke like

i weighed that much but i did and i was popular i did have that going for

me.........so my weight inmy eyes was never a problem.......UNTIL HEALTH

ISSUES arised.........and that is what lead me to this surgery in 1989 i

lost 80 lbs on medifast.........i was over 300 when i started........so it

took me under 300 this is the first time i have been under 300 lbs since

then

TODAYYYYYYYYYY,

i am a ALMOST 32 year old married*not happily* mother of two wonderful

children........

in 1992 i graduated with a bs in mathematics with a minor in computer

science and one class away from having a minor in spanish (i was told if i

got that they would make me teach spanish i didnt want that i wanted to

teach math) and in 1999 i got my masters in mathematics........i have been

teachin for 9 years and i love it..........

i have gone thru AA with my mother as an adult, i have gone to al anon, ala

teen, and Overeaters anon.......all of them helped me.........my mother

after i got taken away from her got her life in order she moved to FL and

stopped drinking.......she now has her masters in social work and is a

licensed therapist and recently moved to germany and is pracitinc on a

naval base works for the federal govt........i AM SOOOOOOOOO PROUD OF her

as she is of me......she is a recovering alcoholic now for over 16

years........we have gone thru counselign together and separately for our

issues.......and my issues.........

my knees and weight almost made me immobile at the end of last

year......and my teachin and quality of life was at rock

bottom.........this is why i decided to do this i would starve myself and

still nothin would come off.......

i am soooooooooo apppreciative of Dr R and believe it or not i am

appreciative of my MOTHER........bc my experiences made me the fiter and

surviver i am today.........EVERYTHING happens for a reason and it is that

statement i live by on a daily bases.......as time goes by i realize why

things happen and things become more clear to me....

i moved out of my ddads house my senior year and went to live with my

grandmother ...my grandmother has always been like my mother......*dad's

mom* she is really the person i lvoed to go see on the weekend.....the one

that cared *I felt* most for me.......my dad took me in bc of my

grandmother tellin him to i know this......my step mother is great also

they have been married for 31 years so she is like a mother also.....i have

one step sister and 3 half brothers......i am greatful thou that my father

gave me that family unit and stable life that i wanted........

in the past few months i lost my grandmother to cancer it came on her all

of a sudden and was a shock to all.............i also lost my mother to

germany just when we were becoming very close .......today i feel alone

again.......but i can deal with it........i have my kids and i have

friends........i dont need food to comfort me even thru my marriage i

used food prolly more so then any other time and thats why i ballooned with

my weight.......i do have some peeps that try to bring me down

.........mainly just ONE at this moment but i wont allow him........i wont

allow anyone.........i have come too far to allow it.......

soooooooooooooooooooooooo SUSAN........this is for you )) most of my life

i was looked at as an outsider......in new prague i was bc i was tan and

had darker features...........and even with my native american family i was

bc i had liter features and with my mother i was .....

i remember when i went back to college to get my masters i could not fit in

the desk.......i had to take a stand alone chair from another classroom

and pull it up to the desk and turn them around.......and even in that

classroom was looked at as an outsider.......bc of that.....BUT one thing

bout it all........i can say.........i didnt let any of that stop me from

my goal...my goal was to get all A's in graduate school and i did

.......so peeps knew i was too fat to sit in those chairs but they also

knew i had one hell of a brain and for that they respected me and also

respected me for the courage it took to come back and pull up a chair like

that after being out of school for 5 years........... i wont let anything

stop me from my goal now and that is for me and my children to FINALLY be

happy and have a better quality of life... and WE WILL.........

Thanks for listening,

Kathy in Nc

2/14/01

397/370/296/1??