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Here are some jokes I have recvd and wanted to pass along....enjoy

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to

the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you

adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names, The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Helms.

The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.

The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.

The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt..

In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men

in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along

shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what

they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do

not buy food at this store.

Remember, " y'all " is singular, " all y'all " is plural, and " all y'all's "

is plural possessive. Get used to hearing " You ain't from round here, are

ya? "

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to

use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't

understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a

transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective " big'ol, " truck or

" big'ol " boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect

this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

He advised that " He needed killin " is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, " Hey, y'all, watch this, " you should

stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever

say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest

accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery

store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have

to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns,

they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

AND REMEMBER:

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will

accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the

oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

***************

Maggie Bess wrote:

Dear Tide:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since

the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.

Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white

blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how

clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain. One thing led to

another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I

tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just

wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and

got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise

and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came

out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the

DNA tests were negative and my attorney said that I would no longer be

considered a suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great

product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...

Signed,

A Menopausal Wife

*************************************************************************

********

Want proof that truth is still crazier than fiction? Read on.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the

second

person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

*************************************************************************

*********

Friends

Are you tired of all those sissy, mushy " friendship " poems that always

sound

good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of

promises that really speaks to true friendship!

1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and will help you plot

revenge

against the sorry bastard who made you sad

2. When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how

much

worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain.

7. When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I

don't

want whatever you have.

8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy a$$.

This is my oath, I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're

my friend!

Remember: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you

move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

*************************************************************************

*********

A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small

boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the

boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After

watching the boy's efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the

boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the

little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans

over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the childs

level, the man smiles benevolently and asks, " And now what, my little

man? "

The boy replies, " Now we run! "

*************************************************************************

*********

Holiday Party

I'm happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place

on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open

Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small

band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't

be surprised if our General Manager shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat , Human Resources Director

DATE: December 2

RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish

employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which

often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on we're calling it our " Holiday Party. " The same

policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.

Happy now?

FROM: Pat , Human Resources Director

DATE: December 3

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous

requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy

to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that

reads, " AA Only, " you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed

to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat , Human Resources Director

DATE: December 7

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins

the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and

intimacy during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can

appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our

Muslim employees beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your

meal until the end of the party, or else package everything for

take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've

arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the

dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the

restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Pat , Human Resources Director

DATE: December 8

RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do,

a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the

burning of sage by our " earth-based Goddess worshipping " employees, but

we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the

band's breaks. Okay???

FROM: Pat , Human Resources Director

DATE: December 9

RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our principal

dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of " Santa " does happen

to be Satan, " there is no evil connotation to our own " little man in a

red suit. " It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or

family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on

Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat , Human Resources Director

DATE: December 10

RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep

this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so

you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the " grill of death, " as

you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^ & *! salad bar,

including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know, they have feelings, too.

Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm

hearing them scream right now!

FROM: , Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 14

RE:Ms. Pat and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat a speedy recovery

from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards

to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to

cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd

off with full pay.

Happy Holidays

..

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