Guest guest Posted December 17, 2003 Report Share Posted December 17, 2003 Here are some jokes I have recvd and wanted to pass along....enjoy If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles: The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses. The North has dating services, The South has family reunions. The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails. The North has double last names, The South has double first names. The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Helms. The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races. The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits. The North has green salads, The South has collard greens. The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads. The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.. In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store. Remember, " y'all " is singular, " all y'all " is plural, and " all y'all's " is plural possessive. Get used to hearing " You ain't from round here, are ya? " Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective " big'ol, " truck or " big'ol " boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. He advised that " He needed killin " is a valid defense here. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, " Hey, y'all, watch this, " you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim. AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits. *************** Maggie Bess wrote: Dear Tide: I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and my attorney said that I would no longer be considered a suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people... Signed, A Menopausal Wife ************************************************************************* ******** Want proof that truth is still crazier than fiction? Read on. GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus. ************************************************************************* ********* Friends Are you tired of all those sissy, mushy " friendship " poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship! 1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and will help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad 2. When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid. 4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining. 6. When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain. 7. When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy a$$. This is my oath, I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend! Remember: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel. ************************************************************************* ********* A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the childs level, the man smiles benevolently and asks, " And now what, my little man? " The boy replies, " Now we run! " ************************************************************************* ********* Holiday Party I'm happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our General Manager shows up dressed as Santa Claus! FROM: Pat , Human Resources Director DATE: December 2 RE: Christmas Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our " Holiday Party. " The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now? FROM: Pat , Human Resources Director DATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, " AA Only, " you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? FROM: Pat , Human Resources Director DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and intimacy during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party, or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything? FROM: Pat , Human Resources Director DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our " earth-based Goddess worshipping " employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay??? FROM: Pat , Human Resources Director DATE: December 9 RE: Holiday Party People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our principal dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of " Santa " does happen to be Satan, " there is no evil connotation to our own " little man in a red suit. " It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up? FROM: Pat , Human Resources Director DATE: December 10 RE: Holiday Party Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the " grill of death, " as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^ & *! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now! FROM: , Acting Human Resources Director DATE: December 14 RE:Ms. Pat and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays .. 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