Slightly OT: Putting more happiness in your life

[Guest guest]

Give Thanks, Get A Dividend

By Art Carey, Inquirer Staff Writer

Philadelphia Inquirer - Philadelphia, PA, USA

Thursday, April 1, 2004

Gratitude makes for a better life, especially when you express it, says a

Penn professor and " happiness coach. "

Thank you. Could those words be the key to happiness?  Seligman, a

psychology professor at the University of Pennsylvania and a leading figure

in the positive psychology movement, has been exploring what makes and keeps

people happy.

Fond memories, a sense of engagement, absorption and purpose in the present,

and hope and optimism for the future are part of it, he says. But an

essential ingredient is gratitude.  " Gratitude amplifies good memories of

the past, " says Seligman, whose most recent book is Authentic Happiness

(Free Press, $14). " The more positive memories you have, and the stronger

they are, the better your chances of achieving contentment, serenity and

satisfaction. "   If we Americans can't get no satisfaction, it may be because

we're insufficiently thankful. " We are a society of ungrateful wretches, "

Seligman says. " Our society lacks gratitude rituals, formal ways of

expressing thanks to those who have done well by us. "

To remedy that, he prescribes the " gratitude visit. "   Think of someone who

has shown you kindness and made a difference in your life. Now write a

" gratitude letter " to that person.  Make it concrete and specific. Then call

that person and ask to visit.  Don't say why (surprise is essential).  Read

the testimonial aloud, slowly, making eye contact.  " It's important that

it's not all in your head, " Seligman says, " that you do this face-to-face

with another human being. "   The gratitude visit grew out of a course

Seligman taught Penn undergrads in fall 2001. Senior Marisa Lascher

suggested holding a " gratitude night " : Class members would invite a guest

who had been pivotal in their lives but whom they had never properly

thanked.  A month later, the class hosted seven guests: three mothers, two

close friends, a roommate, and a younger sister. As the testimonials were

read aloud, " there was lots of weeping and hugging, " Seligman recalls. " It

was the best night of teaching I've experienced in 40 years. "

Now, he teaches the technique to personal coaches, clinical psychologists,

educators and consultants through " Authentic Happiness Coaching, " a 24-week

online course. And he receives scores of gratitude letters himself, many

saying the exercise was life-changing.  Part of the magic of the gratitude

visit, he says, is that it's contagious: It's a good deed that breeds

others, so that gratefulness spreads.  " It makes you focus on the wider

perspective and see the positive parts of life, " says Judith Beck, director

of the Beck Institute for Cognitive Therapy in Bala Cynwyd. " To express that

out loud to the person who helped provide those things is a wonderful idea. "

Auerbach, 20, a Penn sophomore, took Seligman's course last spring. 

He wrote a gratitude letter to his older brother, , now a Penn senior.

It took five days to work up the nerve to present the letter, which he

handed to at lunch.  " I know you don't always agree with some of the

things I do, but you have given me space throughout our lives, "

Auerbach wrote. " You work hard for everything you do, and I try my hardest

to mirror your work ethic... . "   " I know that I can always come to you for

advice... . It's always fun to tell you about something stupid I did, or to

just vent... .  I know that I sometimes take my anger out on you, but when

I'm being a pain... you can read this letter... . I am lucky to have been

blessed with a brother like you. I love you, . "   Auerbach's

reaction?  " It was unexpected and greatly appreciated. When two brothers are

so close in age, a lot of fighting can go on, so it's nice to know that we

really care about each other. "

For , Seligman's course was " the best. "   As for the gratitude letter,

he says, " it's not only a benefit for someone else, it really lifts your own

spirits.  It forces you to slow down and realize what you have to be

thankful for. "   Carole Adlard, 52, took Seligman's online course last

spring.  She addressed her letter to her father, Carl.  Their relationship

has not always been smooth; her adolescent years were " tumultuous, " Adlard

says, with some " terrific clashes. "   Her father sits on the board of Healthy

Visions, the nonprofit education agency Adlard runs in Cincinnati.  She read

the letter aloud to him at a board meeting.  " My earliest memories deal with

the rabbit hutch and chicken coop, " she began. " How I loved those animals,

and you honored my love by building them the best hutches and coops in

town... . "   " Dad, you always showed respect to everyone... . Your

acceptance, openness and kindness to others has guided me in my

relationships with people... . "   " Thank you for seeing something inside of

me, and not giving up on me... . You were sympathetic when I needed it,

patient when I did something stupid, and most of all, you were loving. I am

glad you are my dad. "   The reaction?  " There wasn't a dry eye - except for

his, " Adlard recalls. " After I was finished reading, he changed the

subject.  Everyone else was reaching for the Kleenex. I was a bit miffed, to

say the least. "   The next day, her father sent Adlard an e-mail: " Your

letter has been re-read four or five times in the quiet of my office and I

did have my own 'watershed' of tears... . It is the most wonderful Father's

Day gift I have ever received... . "   " I was very touched, " Adlard says. 

The gratitude visit fostered " a terrific amount of healing " that has rippled

beyond the family.  Her father and a former business associate patched a

rift and are now pals.

Deb Giffen, 51, director of executive programs at Penn's Wharton School,

also took the online course and also chose her father for her gratitude

visit.  She had been dreading the assignment. Her father, Bruce, was a

hard-nosed corporate exec, Giffen says, " not very open to feeling and

emotion. " She began recalling memories, making notes.  Before she was

finished, her father fell ill. All four coronary arteries were blocked.

Giffen rushed to the hospital. She had to present her letter immediately. 

Reading from notes, she talked about his special qualities, her precious

memories growing up (the family pizza parties, the time he escorted her to a

Cream concert), how deeply he had affected her life.  " You always made me

feel like what I did was important, and that my contributions to the family

really mattered, " Giffen said. " Thank you, Dad, for being you, and for

helping me to become the me I am today. "   Her father smiled. " I love you, "

he said. " You've always been a joy to me. "   When Giffen resumed, he put his

hand on her arm and looked her in the eye. " You'll always have to rewrite

that, " he said.  " You're right, Dad, " Giffen said. " I'll always have more to

be grateful for. Every year, I'll rewrite this for you. "   The next day, her

father died as the sun went down. It was Father's Day.  The timing was

phenomenal, " Giffen says. " What a wonderful gift for him to be able to hear

so clearly how valued he was and the effect he had on my life. You never

know when the last time will be, whether you'll get the chance to tell

people you love them and why. "