A 7 foot tree is the way for me!!

[Guest guest]

I usually get a 7 foot tree. Not that I celebrate Christmas but I keep this

piece of info to myself as it discourages folks from giving me presents. I

prefer the larger tree because it allows me to cut of the bottom 2 feet of

branches thus allowing me to fit bigger & better presents under there.

Now granted, my choice of tree presents all sorts of problems. What to do

with the left over branches? How do I decorate anything past my reach on a

stool? And how do I puntctuate my every thought will those cute little

emoticons since I can't make them?

For our first problem, just call me Martha !! Of course, I won't

answer because this is not my name but I digress. Gather those braches & your

hand loom (everyone should have one of those in their homes, don't they?) and

you can weave the most beautiful and fragrent table runner. And if you can

ignore those pesky little pine needles getting into everything, all the

better.

Problemo numero dos: how does one decorate the upper part of the tree? And

what do you do with that whole star/angel thing that traditionally goes on

the top? For the tree topper, simply grab your lasso & rope that little

dogie! Er, I mean tree. Pull the tree down til you can reach the top and

using 's hot glue gun (make sure you get permission first. Nothing is

tackier than borrowing without permission & it tends to cut down on

presents.) attach your ornament of choice then let go. We hot glue the

ornament because if you don't, when you let go of the tree, the force will

throw that puppy into your neighbor's yard. We have enough folks here that

can explain the physics of this, so ask them & not me.

Now it's time for the garland, the lights & all those cute little Hallmark

ornaments you have been collecting through the years. I prefer to skip the

garland on the tree & wrap it around the newly naked bottom. OOPS! This is a

family list... I mean the newly de-branched bottom. The sap running from the

cuts will make it sticky enough to keep the garland in place. For the lights,

just do the old TPing-a-house trick. Ball 'em up & aim well! Hopefully they

will be kinda spaced well. If not, then just wait until some Average Person

comes visiting. Give them those cute, big, Bambi eyes I know you can all do &

ask them to fix it. Use both of these techniques for the ornaments. I would

suggest that you keep the glass & breakable ones closer to your natural reach

since they don't survive the tossing as well as the lights do.

Stand back & look at the thing of beauty you have just created. Marvelous,

isn't it? Now just run along & go pick those pine needles out of your more

delicate places.

For those that have made it this far & didn't delete this message as soon as

you saw who the author was, have a lovely holiday season -- whichever Holiday

you & your family may chose to celebrate. Let's try to keep those warm, fuzzy

feelings that we express at this wonderful time of year & pass them along all

year.

Blessed Be

Rose