New Year's Resolutions for Big Pharma

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http://www.opednews.com/articles/ope..._resolutio.htm

December 30, 2006

New Year's Resolutions for Big Pharma

By Martha Rosenberg

It was another year of fighting black boxes, sweet talking juries and

burying incriminating clinical data for Big Pharma.

But before its reputation is completely gone--How many pharmaceutical

salesmen does it take to change a light bulb? It doesn't need to be

changed; it just needs a new name and formulation before the patent

runs out--Big Pharma could make the following New Year's resolutions.

1.We will instruct our reps not to waltz into doctors' offices ahead

of patients many of whom are--hello!--not feeling well and have been

waiting a long time. We will admonish them to stop high fiving after

a sale and using verbs like " aced " and " got over big time. " They

will never call the doctor " dude. "

2.We will stop pushing schizophrenic drugs like Seroquel and Zyprexa

to the depressed, anxious, moody, confused, aged and people we can

convince are bipolar through alarmist ad campaigns. ( " Are you sure

you don't have racing thoughts? " ) We will admit they are dangerous

drugs with serious weight gain, hyperglycemia and diabetes side

effects that we tried to bury until the New York Times outed us.

3.We will stop selling depression to people with simple life problems-

- " Tired of your commute? Weather got you down? You might be

depressed! " -- to boost SSRI sales. We will admit they are dangerous

drugs that can cause--not prevent--suicide in all age groups except

the old who we have on Seroquel and Zyprexa, anyway. (see above)

4.We will stop trying to resuscitate HRT--- " it's good for women

between 49 and 49 1/2 with intact uteruses and no history of heart

disease or bringing lawsuits " --and admit we perpetrated a 40 year

lethal hoax and should be keeping Bernie, Skilling and Fastow company

at Club Fed. We will acknowledge the other " females " HRT harmed and

release mares and their foals from Premarin farms immediately.

5. We will stop trying to replace the HRT market by conducting

osteoporosis scare campaigns starring Sally Field and Cheryl Ladd and

admit bisphosphonates by stopping bone remodeling can cause--not

prevent--fractures (see SSRIs, HRT) We will further admit

bisphosphonates can cause jaw death, a painful and deadly side effect

we weren't going to mention until loudmouth dentists spoke out.

(Thanks a lot, buddies.)

6.We will stop marketing the newer sleeping pills like Ambien

as " safe " and " nonaddictive " and admit they are the club drug of

choice across the nation and a leading cause of traffic accidents and

air travelers who don't know which side of the ocean they're on. We

will withdraw our application to start selling Ambien to children and

ask ourselves what were we THINKING?

7.We'll stop relying on agricultural antibiotics for the bulk of our

revenues and admit they are causing antibiotic resistance in our own

pills and focusing attention on our failure to create new antibiotics

in the last decade. We will further admit they enable factory farming

conditions so sickening you don't want to look at them before eating.

8.We will stop exploiting childhood behavior problem with

antidepressants, antipsychotics, " mood stabilizers " and other

pediatric straightjackets. Despite the fact that our demographic data

tell us " get them at 5 keep 'em for life, " we admit we are creating a

generation that will be ready for rehab by middle school. ( " Remember

when were straight-- in the second grade? " )

9.We will stop financially inducing doctors to attach their names to

journal articles we have written which promote our drugs, bash our

competitors and just happen to address the main areas of concerns

prescribers have. Not only does it fool no one, we've been busted

twice by JAMA.

10.We will stop paying the FDA to fast track our drugs. Even though

early approval means a quick killing in sales, the lack of follow-up

clinical data can produce other " quick killings " we don't need. After

all, Vioxx didn't cause heart attacks in monkeys.

11.We will replace our salesmen, psychologists and integrative

marketers with biologists and chemists. Sure they cost more-- but

instead of coming up with new drug names when a patent is running out

and new diseases to sell Americans from their TV sets ( " Hey Doc do

you think I have this? " ) they can come up with new drugs. What a

concept!

Authors Bio: Martha Rosenberg is staff cartoonist for the ton

Roundtable.

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