Re: Have a good day! / Spouse upset

[Guest guest]

At 11:48 PM 10/24/07, you wrote:

>

> >Hello Gerald,

>I am really sorry you are having it so bad.i know this must tear you

>up mentally and physically.

>It seems like you are very angry in your latter and perhaps It will

>get better.

>Have you ever asked her to sit and read all the stories that this

>group has written ;or,perhaps just a few?

>Sometimes people close to us cannot admit that we are not as strong

>psycically as we use to be because they are scared and angry at

>themselves for not being able to help us as they think they

>should.

Well said ! I had an episode of severe dizziness, nausea, Vertigo,

migraine. Had to go to the ER. They put me in a wheel-chair, and

also did EKG's and a Catscan. Thought it could be a stroke. The

symptoms kept coming back for a couple of weeks. My Wife was very

protective. She didn't want me driving, and got mad when I did go

out one day. What I took as mad, was really scared and concern. She

finally confided in me, that it freaked her out when they put me in a

wheel chair. That was a first that she saw me like that. She works

in an assisted living facility and sees younger people IE: in the

40's and 50's who are there because of Strokes etc. She was afraid I

was entering a new stage of my Chronic pain, and she's not ready to

go there yet. She is 5 years younger than me, and has saw us give up

a business of 15 years, lose our apartment, our business, have our

total life change. She doesn't want me to get to the next level if

it can be avoided by taking better care of myself. But on the other

hand I was getting deeply depressed feeling like I was entering a new

stage of being homebound. I guess what I'm saying is you never know

what's really behind the emotion. Also I've been through enough

therapy and read enough books that it's OK for your Spouse to be

disappointed and mad At The Situation, but not to be Mad At You,

because it's not your fault or in your control. When people tell me

I look fine, or give me dirt looks because I'm parked in the Handicap

space I always think, I'd love to trade you for one day, then you

would understand. Hang in there brother & sisters. Dave

[Guest guest]

,

She wouldn't do it, read any of these post's I mean. I think she

unfairly compares that I can get in the car sometimes to go and sit

at a friends house to working or doing this or that around here. I

get out once in a long while to keep my house from feeling like a

prison, if I stay around here to much it feels like the walls close

in on me, I'm sure you understand what I mean.

Gerald

> > >Hello Gerald,

> >I am really sorry you are having it so bad.i know this must tear

you

> >up mentally and physically.

> >It seems like you are very angry in your latter and perhaps It

will

> >get better.

> >Have you ever asked her to sit and read all the stories that this

> >group has written ;or,perhaps just a few?

> >Sometimes people close to us cannot admit that we are not as

strong

> >psycically as we use to be because they are scared and angry at

> >themselves for not being able to help us as they think they

> >should.

>

>

> Well said ! I had an episode of severe dizziness, nausea,

Vertigo,

> migraine. Had to go to the ER. They put me in a wheel-chair, and

> also did EKG's and a Catscan. Thought it could be a stroke. The

> symptoms kept coming back for a couple of weeks. My Wife was very

> protective. She didn't want me driving, and got mad when I did go

> out one day. What I took as mad, was really scared and concern.

She

> finally confided in me, that it freaked her out when they put me

in a

> wheel chair. That was a first that she saw me like that. She

works

> in an assisted living facility and sees younger people IE: in the

> 40's and 50's who are there because of Strokes etc. She was

afraid I

> was entering a new stage of my Chronic pain, and she's not ready

to

> go there yet. She is 5 years younger than me, and has saw us give

up

> a business of 15 years, lose our apartment, our business, have our

> total life change. She doesn't want me to get to the next level

if

> it can be avoided by taking better care of myself. But on the

other

> hand I was getting deeply depressed feeling like I was entering a

new

> stage of being homebound. I guess what I'm saying is you never

know

> what's really behind the emotion. Also I've been through enough

> therapy and read enough books that it's OK for your Spouse to be

> disappointed and mad At The Situation, but not to be Mad At You,

> because it's not your fault or in your control. When people tell

me

> I look fine, or give me dirt looks because I'm parked in the

Handicap

> space I always think, I'd love to trade you for one day, then you

> would understand. Hang in there brother & sisters. Dave

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

> > >Hello Gerald,

> >I am really sorry you are having it so bad.i know this must tear

you

> >up mentally and physically.

> >It seems like you are very angry in your latter and perhaps It will

> >get better.

> >Have you ever asked her to sit and read all the stories that this

> >group has written ;or,perhaps just a few?

> >Sometimes people close to us cannot admit that we are not as strong

> >psycically as we use to be because they are scared and angry at

> >themselves for not being able to help us as they think they

> >should.

>

>

> Well said ! I had an episode of severe dizziness, nausea, Vertigo,

> migraine. Had to go to the ER. They put me in a wheel-chair, and

> also did EKG's and a Catscan. Thought it could be a stroke. The

> symptoms kept coming back for a couple of weeks. My Wife was very

> protective. She didn't want me driving, and got mad when I did go

> out one day. What I took as mad, was really scared and concern.

She

> finally confided in me, that it freaked her out when they put me in

a

> wheel chair. That was a first that she saw me like that. She

works

> in an assisted living facility and sees younger people IE: in the

> 40's and 50's who are there because of Strokes etc. She was afraid

I

> was entering a new stage of my Chronic pain, and she's not ready to

> go there yet. She is 5 years younger than me, and has saw us give

up

> a business of 15 years, lose our apartment, our business, have our

> total life change. She doesn't want me to get to the next level if

> it can be avoided by taking better care of myself. But on the

other

> hand I was getting deeply depressed feeling like I was entering a

new

> stage of being homebound. I guess what I'm saying is you never

know

> what's really behind the emotion. Also I've been through enough

> therapy and read enough books that it's OK for your Spouse to be

> disappointed and mad At The Situation, but not to be Mad At You,

> because it's not your fault or in your control. When people tell

me

> I look fine, or give me dirt looks because I'm parked in the

Handicap

> space I always think, I'd love to trade you for one day, then you

> would understand. Hang in there brother & sisters. Dave

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

> > >Hello Gerald,

> >I am really sorry you are having it so bad.i know this must tear

you

> >up mentally and physically.

> >It seems like you are very angry in your latter and perhaps It will

> >get better.

> >Have you ever asked her to sit and read all the stories that this

> >group has written ;or,perhaps just a few?

> >Sometimes people close to us cannot admit that we are not as strong

> >psycically as we use to be because they are scared and angry at

> >themselves for not being able to help us as they think they

> >should.

>

>

> Well said ! I had an episode of severe dizziness, nausea, Vertigo,

> migraine. Had to go to the ER. They put me in a wheel-chair, and

> also did EKG's and a Catscan. Thought it could be a stroke. The

> symptoms kept coming back for a couple of weeks. My Wife was very

> protective. She didn't want me driving, and got mad when I did go

> out one day. What I took as mad, was really scared and concern.

She

> finally confided in me, that it freaked her out when they put me in

a

> wheel chair. That was a first that she saw me like that. She

works

> in an assisted living facility and sees younger people IE: in the

> 40's and 50's who are there because of Strokes etc. She was afraid

I

> was entering a new stage of my Chronic pain, and she's not ready to

> go there yet. She is 5 years younger than me, and has saw us give

up

> a business of 15 years, lose our apartment, our business, have our

> total life change. She doesn't want me to get to the next level if

> it can be avoided by taking better care of myself. But on the

other

> hand I was getting deeply depressed feeling like I was entering a

new

> stage of being homebound. I guess what I'm saying is you never

know

> what's really behind the emotion. Also I've been through enough

> therapy and read enough books that it's OK for your Spouse to be

> disappointed and mad At The Situation, but not to be Mad At You,

> because it's not your fault or in your control. When people tell

me

> I look fine, or give me dirt looks because I'm parked in the

Handicap

> space I always think, I'd love to trade you for one day, then you

> would understand. Hang in there brother & sisters. Dave

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

> > >Hello Gerald,

> >I am really sorry you are having it so bad.i know this must tear

you

> >up mentally and physically.

> >It seems like you are very angry in your latter and perhaps It will

> >get better.

> >Have you ever asked her to sit and read all the stories that this

> >group has written ;or,perhaps just a few?

> >Sometimes people close to us cannot admit that we are not as strong

> >psycically as we use to be because they are scared and angry at

> >themselves for not being able to help us as they think they

> >should.

>

>

> Well said ! I had an episode of severe dizziness, nausea, Vertigo,

> migraine. Had to go to the ER. They put me in a wheel-chair, and

> also did EKG's and a Catscan. Thought it could be a stroke. The

> symptoms kept coming back for a couple of weeks. My Wife was very

> protective. She didn't want me driving, and got mad when I did go

> out one day. What I took as mad, was really scared and concern.

She

> finally confided in me, that it freaked her out when they put me in

a

> wheel chair. That was a first that she saw me like that. She

works

> in an assisted living facility and sees younger people IE: in the

> 40's and 50's who are there because of Strokes etc. She was afraid

I

> was entering a new stage of my Chronic pain, and she's not ready to

> go there yet. She is 5 years younger than me, and has saw us give

up

> a business of 15 years, lose our apartment, our business, have our

> total life change. She doesn't want me to get to the next level if

> it can be avoided by taking better care of myself. But on the

other

> hand I was getting deeply depressed feeling like I was entering a

new

> stage of being homebound. I guess what I'm saying is you never

know

> what's really behind the emotion. Also I've been through enough

> therapy and read enough books that it's OK for your Spouse to be

> disappointed and mad At The Situation, but not to be Mad At You,

> because it's not your fault or in your control. When people tell

me

> I look fine, or give me dirt looks because I'm parked in the

Handicap

> space I always think, I'd love to trade you for one day, then you

> would understand. Hang in there brother & sisters. Dave

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

At 02:01 PM 10/26/07, you wrote:

>Very good insight Dave. This back stuff can literally tear up

>families if you let it--I've seen it with my own eyes! I am ever so

>thankful that I have a husband that is very supportive-

Yes you need only to read the postings here to see how badly it can

affect a relationship. And I've seen it work equally against either

the man or the woman, whomever the bearer of the pain is. You know

how it is, you mention to friends or family that you suffer from

chronic back pain, and suddenly they all jump in with " I know what

you mean, we all have back or neck pain " But I doubt many really

have it to the point that drove us here.

>I

>have also noticed that I have less stress if I only plan one activity

>a day--realistic planning. I may take a bath, or I may cook, or ai

>may go for a short drive to JoAnns fabric store--again--you get the

>picture. I quit trying to be a superhero and ending up in agony and

>then taking it out on my husband.

This is so true. My Wife and I discovered a long time ago that at

best I have 3 " good " hours a day. Not necessarily in a row. And

that doesn't change, other than some days it's less. So you can't

give me a whole laundry list of to-dos and expect it done. Pick

one. Also if we do go on a trip, or otherwise I over exert myself

one day, then I pay for it by being about useless the next.

To Gerald and others, but especially Gerald, I feel for you and wish

I could help. Keeping yourself mentally up even a little takes time

away from your surroundings. That trip to visit a friend of family

could be the only bright spot in your day / week. Maybe you can

come up with something that doesn't take too much exertion like a

load of laundry. Most of the work is done by the machine, and then

you can always fold sitting down.

I highly recommend a book to all newcomers or those having issues

with family, friends not understanding. It's a little booklet called

" But you look good " It explains that while we may look ok on the

outside, and were not in a wheelchair, or fading away with cancer

etc, we are in Chronic pain, and this is how our life really

is. There should be a link to the website for it, on our

homepage. It cost less than $5, money well spent.

One time when I felt like my Wife and Daughter were not

cutting me any slack I sat down and wrote them a heartfelt

letter. Without writing it here word for word it basically said I

may not meet your expectations, but this is how my life is. I'm in

constant pain, sometimes off the scale pain, I've had 4 surgeries,

countless test, been poked and prodded with all kinds of devices,

take a look in my dresser drawer, instead of socks, there are 14

bottles of pills that I take on a daily basis, I'm on several

controlled substances, I have to be tested every 90 days for abuse of

them, while your sleeping, I'm lying awake praying I could sleep, I

lay there and see the night turn into morning, and hear the traffic

pick up, knowing I got to face another day without any

sleep. Everything I eat turns my stomach. I'm on so much meds, I

need a liver test every 90 days, I've lost my short-term memory, I

got to takes meds just so I can pee, the narcotics have me constantly

constipated, blah, blah, blah. After they both read that, I got

quiet apologies, and they finally got it. There was a lot more to

it, but you get the jist of it. Sometimes something in writing, has

much more impact than speaking to someone. I also reminded them,

that while I may not do what they want, guess what, I can't do what I

want to do either, I had to give up playing drums, working on my

model trains, my pond, taking walks in the woods, being a

photographer. Like my wife and I kid about, I wasn't sitting on my

rump, eating Bon Bons and watching Oprah all day.

In her defense My Wife always got it, but when she was overwhelmed

she needed her husband back, and would forget my situation. My

Daughter being a teenager at the time didn't get it, she was

oblivious. But then she became and EMT, now she worries about her Daddy.

Sorry also for being longwinded. check the time stamp. Written at

3:45am no sleep tonight yet.

Dave

[Guest guest]

Dave,

I want to thank you for the words and for quote " getting it " ! I

have tried the over do it and pay for it later and that doesn't

work. I have like you been poked prodded and am constantly tested as

if we were out just wanting drugs. Dear Lord it makes me ill to

think of some people who have been on pain killers and really aren't

in pain just druggies, it seems there's never an end to the drugs

for dope addicts and yet someone truly in pain has an awful time

just making it through the day or getting a decent nights sleep.

I will be doing a search for the book you were talking about, I

know a few people who could benefit from reading it.

Gerald

>

>

> >Very good insight Dave. This back stuff can literally tear up

> >families if you let it--I've seen it with my own eyes! I am ever

so

> >thankful that I have a husband that is very supportive-

>

>

> Yes you need only to read the postings here to see how badly it

can

> affect a relationship. And I've seen it work equally against

either

> the man or the woman, whomever the bearer of the pain is. You

know

> how it is, you mention to friends or family that you suffer from

> chronic back pain, and suddenly they all jump in with " I know what

> you mean, we all have back or neck pain " But I doubt many really

> have it to the point that drove us here.

>

> >I

> >have also noticed that I have less stress if I only plan one

activity

> >a day--realistic planning. I may take a bath, or I may cook, or ai

> >may go for a short drive to JoAnns fabric store--again--you get

the

> >picture. I quit trying to be a superhero and ending up in agony

and

> >then taking it out on my husband.

>

>

> This is so true. My Wife and I discovered a long time ago that at

> best I have 3 " good " hours a day. Not necessarily in a row. And

> that doesn't change, other than some days it's less. So you can't

> give me a whole laundry list of to-dos and expect it done. Pick

> one. Also if we do go on a trip, or otherwise I over exert myself

> one day, then I pay for it by being about useless the next.

>

> To Gerald and others, but especially Gerald, I feel for you and

wish

> I could help. Keeping yourself mentally up even a little takes

time

> away from your surroundings. That trip to visit a friend of

family

> could be the only bright spot in your day / week. Maybe you can

> come up with something that doesn't take too much exertion like a

> load of laundry. Most of the work is done by the machine, and

then

> you can always fold sitting down.

>

> I highly recommend a book to all newcomers or those having issues

> with family, friends not understanding. It's a little booklet

called

> " But you look good " It explains that while we may look ok on the

> outside, and were not in a wheelchair, or fading away with cancer

> etc, we are in Chronic pain, and this is how our life really

> is. There should be a link to the website for it, on our

> homepage. It cost less than $5, money well spent.

>

> One time when I felt like my Wife and Daughter were not

> cutting me any slack I sat down and wrote them a heartfelt

> letter. Without writing it here word for word it basically said I

> may not meet your expectations, but this is how my life is. I'm

in

> constant pain, sometimes off the scale pain, I've had 4 surgeries,

> countless test, been poked and prodded with all kinds of devices,

> take a look in my dresser drawer, instead of socks, there are 14

> bottles of pills that I take on a daily basis, I'm on several

> controlled substances, I have to be tested every 90 days for abuse

of

> them, while your sleeping, I'm lying awake praying I could sleep,

I

> lay there and see the night turn into morning, and hear the

traffic

> pick up, knowing I got to face another day without any

> sleep. Everything I eat turns my stomach. I'm on so much meds, I

> need a liver test every 90 days, I've lost my short-term memory, I

> got to takes meds just so I can pee, the narcotics have me

constantly

> constipated, blah, blah, blah. After they both read that, I got

> quiet apologies, and they finally got it. There was a lot more to

> it, but you get the jist of it. Sometimes something in writing,

has

> much more impact than speaking to someone. I also reminded them,

> that while I may not do what they want, guess what, I can't do

what I

> want to do either, I had to give up playing drums, working on my

> model trains, my pond, taking walks in the woods, being a

> photographer. Like my wife and I kid about, I wasn't sitting on

my

> rump, eating Bon Bons and watching Oprah all day.

>

> In her defense My Wife always got it, but when she was overwhelmed

> she needed her husband back, and would forget my situation. My

> Daughter being a teenager at the time didn't get it, she was

> oblivious. But then she became and EMT, now she worries about her

Daddy.

>

> Sorry also for being longwinded. check the time stamp. Written

at

> 3:45am no sleep tonight yet.

>

> Dave

>