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Accepting Pain, Dealing with his

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Hi, i'm in the same boat as Rob, and neither of us feel good

enough to row :) It's been 5 years for me, Actually 6 on Jan

5th. I have three lower back fusions and two in the neck. I

consider the neck a failure and have had to make major

compensations. We closed our Photography Studio after 15 years,

we've moved in with my Mother-in law and I've applied to SSI. I wasn't a

sports person but I was very active. I played drums in a

band, worked 60 hour weeks, and did alot of the house work

while my wife worked OT. Before my back surgeries I was 40

but acted 24. Now I'm 45 and act 65, big difference. I showed

your messages to my Wife and she is going to try to respond from her

perspective. It took a few years but we have pretty much come to an

understanding of my abilities and limitations. One of the first

things was that when my wife would go on a long car trip to visit

relatives, I would stay home, because the drive killed me. We

went on a much needed vacation three years ago and I spent one whole day

in bed, recuperating from the drive. It's not easy and a Chronic

pain or more specifically a Back Pain face to face support group would be

great. But until that happens this is THE place to be.I would like

t o share a note I very recently gave to my Wife and Daughter because of

stressed relations. The XXXXX's are X out Meds.

When I let you down and I will

please remember

:

12/12/2005

This is not how I want to be. I long to be successful, and not

worry about money. My work ethic is workaholic, entrepreneur, and

people pleaser. It’s not in my nature to be lazy and slow.

The one thing I always had was my mind, and I could always outwork

most people. That’s what made us a good match.

Every day, 24 hours a day I take a toxic stew of meds.

4-6 750 mg XXXXXX

1 20mg of XXXXX

Both controlled narcotics

2-3 XXXXXX used as an anti-depressant and sleep aid

1 XXXXX a strong muscle relaxer

1 XXXXX another antidepressant

1 XXXXXX Strong sleeping pill

I am in chronic pain

I am chronically sleep deprived

I’m chronically stressed

I constantly forget and second guess myself

Everything I eat turns to pressure or nausea

If you look closely you’ll noticed that I don’t only do what I

want, I don’t do a lot of things.

I haven’t called Wally back. ( a friend ) I went to see trains once

in 3-4 months because I was looking for sellable snow pictures. ( I

go to the local tracks to watch or photograph trains )

The village and trains aren’t under the tree

My “N” scale train scenery and track haven’t moved in months.

I barely spend time with my beloved bunnies.

Most what I’m able to do is passive, pet the cat, nap, surf the

net. I understand your displeasure. And I don’t mean to

minimize away from your pain and stress. Do you think I want to be a

disappointment to you, Hollie, your mom. Given a choice this is not

a life I would choose.

This came out of frustration my wife felt, when she thought I

wasn't helping enough to get ready for Christmas.

The pressures will come and go, and it takes time for all involved.

It took my daughter who was 14 when this 1st started 6 years and becoming

an EMT until she could understand that Dad wasn't just a bummer.

That's all for now, Dave

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