Depression 2

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Tuesday | June 26, 2001

Aline McKenzie: Stay open with the depressed 06/26/2001 By ALINE McKENZIE / The Dallas Morning News "She wasn't in a right frame of mind." Yates' description of his wife, accused of killing their five children while suffering from severe depression, seems at first like a surreal understatement.

Yet, at the same time, it is simply and utterly the truth.

When you're going through depression, words fail. You can tell the plain truth, yet never convey what it's like. It's like a soldier trying to describe combat to someone who hasn't been there.

I know.

I'm one of the lucky ones. With daily medication, I do pretty well. For years, I had a cartoon above my desk, showing a goofy guy sitting at a desk, captioned "Full-blown (expletive) crazy but still holding down a productive job."

But I also know what it is to be full-blown (expletive) crazy. To be not "in a right frame of mind."

Part of the problem with depression is that a depressed person is boring and frustrating to other people. You're just sitting there. You look lazy. You're sullen and rude. You can't follow through on the simplest tasks.

It's difficult to explain what happens to your thoughts. Not because they're complicated – in fact, they're quite simple – but because out loud, they sound ridiculous and whiny.

Here's a real-life example:

"Oh, no, I forgot to call the doctor to reschedule next Monday's appointment... How could I be so stupid? ... It's too late now...Why can't I remember such an easy thing? ... I'm so useless... I wish I were dead."

Huh. From remembering an errand to wishing I was dead in 2.5 seconds. A personal best. It sounds absurd – it was absurd – but at that moment I really did wish I was dead.

During some of the darkest times, I was unable to drive without constantly thinking of how easy it would be to drive into an abutment. Then I'd get out of the car, do my job, laugh and smile, get back into the car and start thinking about abutments again.

You can pull yourself together for short periods, put on the game face, but that takes so much effort that you can't sustain it.

A few years ago, I was huddled on a couch, knees clenched to my chest, late for work. I'd been sitting that way for quite some time; no telling how long.

Finally, I stood up and went into the utility room. Fully conscious of what I was doing, but unable to stop, I watched myself pick up a blade. I began pricking my fingertips with it. It didn't hurt. I started pushing harder.

As I said, I'm one of the lucky ones. I don't know why, but I put the blade down, and went to make a phone call that saved my life.

I meant to call my doctor, but first called my boss to say I'd be late. But his simple question – "Are you all right?" – burst the dam. He kept his cool, and I ended up in a hospital, where I needed to be.

What triggered the episode?

I hadn't been able to get myself to do the dishes.

Well, that's just crazy – try to kill yourself because you hadn't done the dishes?

Exactly. That's just crazy.

This is not a situation where "just cheer up" would have done any good.

Hell, part of the package is that you don't even feel like you deserve to be depressed. ("Why can't I pull myself together? It's stupid to feel this way. I've got no real reason to be so low.") That sort of circular thinking can set up a mental vapor lock that's good for several days of self-loathing.

Plus, depression makes it hard to concentrate, so you're prone to making mistakes. Then you beat up on yourself for making the mistake, and so on, and so on.

In some ways, it's just an exaggerated form of what we all go through. Who hasn't picked and picked and picked at himself or herself over a mistake? Who hasn't felt blue with no reason?

Paradoxically, that may make it harder for people to sympathize with someone going through depression. (He snapped out of it. Why can't you?)

When you need all your energy to keep yourself going, you don't need the added burden of feeling ashamed. When I was hospitalized, I decided not to hide what was happening from my co-workers. As a result, I got sympathy, phone calls and visitors rather than silence.

But the stigma is still there. Even supportive relatives and co-workers, when I said I wanted to write about this, assumed I'd do it anonymously. "Are you sure you want to out yourself like that?" one said.

Yes. What has helped the most is being open about it – calling someone and saying "I'm low today. Distract me." Once you start talking about it, you realize what a large club this is. Almost everyone knows someone who's been through it, or has been through it themselves.

The Clear Lake tragedy will be compounded if it makes people fear depressives, or makes those going through it reluctant to admit it or seek help.

Compassion and openness are right frames of mind.

Martha Murdock, DirectorNational Silicone Implant FoundationDallas, Texas Headquarters

Purposes for which the Corporation (NSIF) is organized are to perform the charitable activities within the meaning of Internal Revenue Code Section 501©(3) and Texas Tax Code Section 11.18 ©(1).Specifically, the Corporation is organized for the purposes of education and research of Silicone-related disease.

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