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hello everyone...

i've been listening in on the email (when i've had access to the net), and

decided i need to a bit more posting for myself... you seem like the kind

of folks i should be talking to ;-)

well, first thing is to please forgive me if i ever say things that someone

else already said (including myself) and if i can't remember something that

someone already told me.... okay? i feel so bad that i do that...

next is, i've got a " mass " in my left temporal lobe that seems to be causing

my seizures.... they did a few tests on me at dartmouth and still can't

tell me anything more than that: its a mass.

the MRI showed it as about the size of a walnut and looking rather

encapsulated... nobody seems to be concerned about it's being malignant, so

i'll try *not* to obsess on that for now ;-)

until recently the word on my end has been " go go go, get the damn thing cut

out! " ... but in the wake of a ton of neuro-psyche testing and a WADA test

(ever have one of those?? oh so much fun.) the docs are giving me a rather

scarey

dialogue.... that they absolutely possibly feel that removal of the tumor

will

most likely probably result in a loss of memory and the ability to learn to

varying degrees of severity... maybe(!)....

they want another WADA test (insert screaming here).... they said that

the first test was a bit inconclusive becaus of *my* bad reaction to the

medication (sodium amytal), i'd gone into convulsions on the operating table

and

the majority of the testing was taking place 'post ictal'....

lucky for me i was listening, while the numbers were being tossed around...

after they'd put my left hemispher asleep, that's when i passed out and then

went into a seizure upon waking... they did all of the neuro-psyche testing

anyway and then put my right side asleep and tested that side...

so i'm laying there with no access to the right half of my friggin brain,

unable to move (or recognize as my own) the left side of my body, and i'm

hearing them throw these numbers around, talking OVER my body (dont ya just

love that?!) as if i weren't there: " we've gotta redo the left side, it was

too much "

" we used 125 on the left, 75(!) on the right... we'll do the left again with

100 "

and so they did... lovely.... and now they're telling me after all of this

that my risking the stroke was for nothing, they want to redo the whole

damn test.....

and even after they finally do the damn thing properly, it will serve as no

real indicator of the amount of ability i *am* going to loose as a result of

the extra tissue they'll remove during the operation.....

sorry for bitching.... i've just found all of this out and i'm still pretyt

angry about it all... hell, i wouldn't be surprised if i wasn't really

making

much sense just yet.....

one of the terms that was throw over my head was

" amydalo-hippocampectomy " ...

is there anyone out there that had this procedure done to them?...

at this point i'm so disgusted that i just want to tell the whole

doctor-hood to go to hell.... i'm on tegretol and it's been controlling

my seizures since last march.... no grand mals except for the ones the

doctors gave me in hospital... but do i want to stay on it for the rest of

my life?? (having a child of my own is a dream of mine)..... i just

don't know what to do for now....

jules

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