Re: Aja--If you see this, stick your nose in here

[Guest guest]

Hi Zoe -- What are you talking about?

?~Aja

>From: Zoe_176@...

>Reply-

>

>Subject: [ ] Aja--If you see this, stick your nose in here

>Date: Thu, 15 Mar 2001 02:20:13 -0000

>

>Hi Aja,

> I want to get your attention about something to do with writing and

>language--a sort of maybe writing project.

>Cheers,

>Zoe

>

_________________________________________________________________

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[Guest guest]

Wondered if you might be interested in doing some writing about

writing and language.

Zoe

> Hi Zoe -- What are you talking about?

> ?~Aja

>

>

> >From: Zoe_176@h...

> >Reply- @y...

> > @y...

> >Subject: [ ] Aja--If you see this, stick your nose in

here

> >Date: Thu, 15 Mar 2001 02:20:13 -0000

> >

> >Hi Aja,

> > I want to get your attention about something to do with writing

and

> >language--a sort of maybe writing project.

> >Cheers,

> >Zoe

> >

>

> _________________________________________________________________

> Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com

[Guest guest]

Zoe,

Of course! What's up?

~Aja

>From: Zoe_176@...

>Reply-

>

>Subject: [ ] Re: Aja--If you see this, stick your nose in here

>Date: Thu, 15 Mar 2001 07:25:01 -0000

>

>Wondered if you might be interested in doing some writing about

>writing and language.

>Zoe

>

>

> > Hi Zoe -- What are you talking about?

> > ?~Aja

> >

> >

> > >From: Zoe_176@h...

> > >Reply- @y...

> > > @y...

> > >Subject: [ ] Aja--If you see this, stick your nose in

>here

> > >Date: Thu, 15 Mar 2001 02:20:13 -0000

> > >

> > >Hi Aja,

> > > I want to get your attention about something to do with writing

>and

> > >language--a sort of maybe writing project.

> > >Cheers,

> > >Zoe

> > >

> >

> > _________________________________________________________________

> > Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com

>

_________________________________________________________________

Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com

[Guest guest]

Zoe,

Ps: Do you have something specific about writing & language in mind? I

had/still have Broca's aphasia (though not nearly as severe), & it's very

interesting & VERY frustrating talking to people. Writing is much better

because I can take my time -- & if I can't find a word, my trusty thesaurus

is always handy!

~Aja

>From: " Aja Beasley " <aja_ab@...>

>Reply-

>

>Subject: Re: [ ] Re: Aja--If you see this, stick your nose in

>here

>Date: Thu, 15 Mar 2001 15:53:58

>

>Zoe,

>Of course! What's up?

>

>~Aja

>

>

> >From: Zoe_176@...

> >Reply-

> >

> >Subject: [ ] Re: Aja--If you see this, stick your nose in

>here

> >Date: Thu, 15 Mar 2001 07:25:01 -0000

> >

> >Wondered if you might be interested in doing some writing about

> >writing and language.

> >Zoe

> >

> >

> > > Hi Zoe -- What are you talking about?

> > > ?~Aja

> > >

> > >

> > > >From: Zoe_176@h...

> > > >Reply- @y...

> > > > @y...

> > > >Subject: [ ] Aja--If you see this, stick your nose in

> >here

> > > >Date: Thu, 15 Mar 2001 02:20:13 -0000

> > > >

> > > >Hi Aja,

> > > > I want to get your attention about something to do with writing

> >and

> > > >language--a sort of maybe writing project.

> > > >Cheers,

> > > >Zoe

> > > >

> > >

> > > _________________________________________________________________

> > > Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com

> >

>

>_________________________________________________________________

>Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com

>

_________________________________________________________________

Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com

[Guest guest]

Hi Aja,

There's a technique for writing I learned many years ago when I was

in a writing program and used when I started writing for a newspaper

in Denver. It helped me a lot in regaining some of my language skills

(still working on writing, and my ability to follow normal speech is

still very poor).

Anyway, I got a notion that you might be interested in writing

some stuff back and forth about language, writing and our struggles

with it. Just free writing, stream of consciousness mostly; it is a

good technique for clarifying thoughts to ourselves and putting

things together. I had this " inspired " moment and thought you might

find it a good challenge. In part this is because of what I went

through getting my language skills re-developed.

I kept these notebooks and tried to practice making sentences (I

couldn't write complete thoughts either. They were mostly 3 and 4

word clauses strung together. Over time, it got to where I could make

more normal sentences in writing, though my skills are not yet up to

par as is clear in writing my book. By practice, doing it, and re-

writing, my skills are being redeveloped. With language, it is sooooo

frustrating! My thoughts and\or understanding can be very clear, but

when I go to write them out, something scrambles and my sentences

will come out very stilted, mechanical, not at all flowing. Your

writing comes through very well, it seems to me.

What you said a while back about your daughter learning speech and

you relearning with her, stayed with me. My idea is that if we do

some written dialogue on it, things will keep kicking in. Who knows

what it will lead to, maybe a joint article on the subject. That's my

idea, nothing to heavy or stressful. May be I'm all wet. What do you

think?

Zoe

[Guest guest]

Aja,

I do much better with writing also, because of being able to take

my time and " edit. " Right there, we've got a great topic for a

dialogue, don't we? Oh, the irony of it all!

Zoe

[Guest guest]

Hi Aja,

I'll also send some stuff on breathing and seizures in a day or

two. I didn't know June is aphasia month, thanks. Keep writing, about

writing, about aphasia, anything that comes to mind (and words!).

What are your experiences, thoughts and feelings about writing (and

speech) now? I agree with what you said about linguistic " experts " on

thought preceding language. Do you find the writing helps your

thinking? What about singing?

For me very often, it is like a loss of coordination. In order to

put my thoughts into language (spoken or just " thinking " to myself) I

have to put the emotion, the idea, and all the other components

together, all the five senses, and often get confused in the process.

I had a bunch of notebooks that just contained pages with maybe one

or two words on them (a day's work!). I would sit in coffee shops in

Seattle and try and describe where I was and my experiences. Much of

the time little would come to me; I knew I was seeing and feeling the

world around me but couldn't get past things like, " sky, blue, place,

cafe, hot, cold, " nothing that wasn't very concrete. Wet cement is

how my words seemed to come out then. For that and other reasons, I

did try and kill myself in 1985, took lethal amounts of three drugs,

but guess it wasn't my time.

Several months after my first brain surgery I was able to get my

left eye to be still enough to read (my right still didn't stay open,

all the muscles controling it had been cut through). One day I got up

and wanted to read my book, Luria's " Mind of a Menomenist. " However,

I got very distraught because it wasn't possible to read the book and

the words to tell myself why wouldn't come. I spent several hours

trying to figure out why I couldn't read my book, but the only words

I could think of were dislocated and mislocated, and they didn't seem

right.

Finally, just about hysterical, I called my ex-husband at work. I

explained as much as possible that I wanted to read my book but

couldn't tell myself why I wasn't able to do so. I asked him what I

was trying to tell myself. He said maybe the book was lost. Once I

heard the word, I could picture what happened and found where I'd

placed it the night before. Did you experience that kind of

confusion? In a restaruant once I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich,

the kind that has a hamburger in it and comes on a bun.

In writing, it seems the " coordination " with language, emotion,

perceptions, is redeveloped and triggers the speech part of language

to come back and improve. They both work together it seems, not one

before the other. Even after all these years I cannot track spoken

language very well. What did you read when times were so difficult

and what are your thoughts and feelings about it? Reading helped me

keep a sense of reality, when the world where I was trapped was so

chaotic.

Zoe

[Guest guest]

Hey Zoe,

I have to thank you again for giving me that mental push to get me writing

again. I get to feeling sorry for myself sometimes & convinced I can't do

anything productive. & my family & friends don't help in that respect --

they either coddle me too much or don't understand what I'm going through at

all; either way, they make me very unhappy to be living in my skin. My last

bout of medication (Lamictal then Lamictal/Tegretol)threw me for a loop &

got everybody shaken; I was convinced that I would never write " legibly "

again, let alone well enough for anybody to want to read. Well, I don't know

whether I'm writing as well as I'd like, but I am writing -- & my

confindence & motivation has increased 10 fold. Do you understand?

--BTW, completely off the subject, I was wondering if there's any solution

to my hair loss? I stopped for a moment to think, ran my hand through my

hair & detatched about 6 or 7 strands. This is normal for me now; I started

losing hair when I was pregnant 4 years ago -- the hormone thing, you know,

plus the medication (I was on Tegretol while & after pregnancy). My doctor

looks at me disinterestly when I ask him about it: " most anti-epileptic

medications have this side effect " , he says. (i.e., " what do you want me to

do about it? Don't bother me with trivial matters " ).

Anyway, back to what we were talking/writing about. You say, " I knew I was

seeing and feeling the world around me but couldn't get past things like,

" sky, blue, place, cafe, hot, cold, " nothing that wasn't very concrete... "

Hmmm. Was it -just- (sorry to use that derogatory word) a language barrier?

It seems more than that, for me as well. If it was just language, you would

have been able to find the book, even though you couldn't think of the word.

For me, my language skills wax & wane with my medication & my auras (s.p.

seizures): sometimes, I get very frustrated because I feel like I have no

native tongue at all, but sometimes it's worse. Sometimes my mind feels like

thick mud; not only don't the words appear so I can speak them, but I can't

even connect one thing to another to make even a faint spark.

Hey, do you have a problem reading aloud?

I have certain books that I read over & over ( & over) till the cover is

ripped off, pages torn & spine cracked or split in peices -- & then I get

another copy. When times were (are) difficult, I read these books. Clive

Barker, King, Straub -- horror/fantasy. Anything to lose

myself completely. At one point, I read the Harry Potter series about 5

times. I think the more difficult the period, the more basic &

fantasy-oriented my reading material has to be... It always helped, also,

that novels have to have a beginning, middle, & end, have to have a plot, &

most of my books have happy endings, even if the main character goes through

h*ll getting to that point...

~Aja

>From: Zoe_176@...

>Reply-

>

>Subject: [ ] Re: Aja--If you see this, stick your nose in here

>Date: Tue, 20 Mar 2001 06:46:44 -0000

>

> Hi Aja,

> I'll also send some stuff on breathing and seizures in a day or

>two. I didn't know June is aphasia month, thanks. Keep writing, about

>writing, about aphasia, anything that comes to mind (and words!).

>What are your experiences, thoughts and feelings about writing (and

>speech) now? I agree with what you said about linguistic " experts " on

>thought preceding language. Do you find the writing helps your

>thinking? What about singing?

> For me very often, it is like a loss of coordination. In order to

>put my thoughts into language (spoken or just " thinking " to myself) I

>have to put the emotion, the idea, and all the other components

>together, all the five senses, and often get confused in the process.

>I had a bunch of notebooks that just contained pages with maybe one

>or two words on them (a day's work!). I would sit in coffee shops in

>Seattle and try and describe where I was and my experiences. Much of

>the time little would come to me; I knew I was seeing and feeling the

>world around me but couldn't get past things like, " sky, blue, place,

>cafe, hot, cold, " nothing that wasn't very concrete. Wet cement is

>how my words seemed to come out then. For that and other reasons, I

>did try and kill myself in 1985, took lethal amounts of three drugs,

>but guess it wasn't my time.

> Several months after my first brain surgery I was able to get my

>left eye to be still enough to read (my right still didn't stay open,

>all the muscles controling it had been cut through). One day I got up

>and wanted to read my book, Luria's " Mind of a Menomenist. " However,

>I got very distraught because it wasn't possible to read the book and

>the words to tell myself why wouldn't come. I spent several hours

>trying to figure out why I couldn't read my book, but the only words

>I could think of were dislocated and mislocated, and they didn't seem

>right.

> Finally, just about hysterical, I called my ex-husband at work. I

>explained as much as possible that I wanted to read my book but

>couldn't tell myself why I wasn't able to do so. I asked him what I

>was trying to tell myself. He said maybe the book was lost. Once I

>heard the word, I could picture what happened and found where I'd

>placed it the night before. Did you experience that kind of

>confusion? In a restaruant once I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich,

>the kind that has a hamburger in it and comes on a bun.

> In writing, it seems the " coordination " with language, emotion,

>perceptions, is redeveloped and triggers the speech part of language

>to come back and improve. They both work together it seems, not one

>before the other. Even after all these years I cannot track spoken

>language very well. What did you read when times were so difficult

>and what are your thoughts and feelings about it? Reading helped me

>keep a sense of reality, when the world where I was trapped was so

>chaotic.

>Zoe

>

>

>

>

_________________________________________________________________

Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com

[Guest guest]

Hi Aja,

You gotta hang tough and keep going doing what you are doing. The

frustration is overwhelming at times, but we have to keep riding it

out. I think of it as body surfing and cresting the waves. Feeling

sorry for yourself is just part of the process. Give into it once in

a while and pull the covers over your head (when you can).

The lamictal worked over my brain too, even on a child-size dose.

That was the last time I tried a seizure drug. This is the web site I

posted to last night, another resource for alternative

approaches to managing seizures:

http://www.epilepsywellness.com/articles/acupunture.htm

I didn't spend a lot of time on that web site but it looked very

good to me, upbeat.

Even if it doesn't feel or look that way, your writing improves

every time you write, no matter what or where you write. That's

because when you do writing, you are challenging yourself to engage

all the areas of your brain involved in language\writing. In this

way you are repatterning the skill. It's more than just practice, it

is re-training your own brain.

Sometimes in Seattle I would sit in a cafe for several hours

drinking decaf coffee and trying to write something. Maybe only one

or two words would end up on paper, no matter how much was in my head

to say. Still, it was progress because I'd spent two or three or

four hours working on my language. Clarilfy this for me. Are you most

concerned about whether your handwriting is legible, as in is it neat

writing or like a scrawl? Or is the main difficulty for you in

getting what is in your mind to be the same thing that you put on

paper?

If it is the appearance of your handwriting, you can write

coherently, but it isn't very legible, then you have a couple of

options. There are several typing devices you can get that can make

writing much easier for you if the main problem is the use of your

hand. There is a type of keyboard made for one hand typists. A guy I

used to know had one (one of his hands was blown off in an accident).

He got that special keyboard and learned to type almost fifty words a

minute.

I learned to type with both hands but have never been able to

write legibly by hand. Maybe I could if I went to a remote island and

did nothing but practice hand writing, but there are too many other

issues needing attention now. I recetly bought a neat little typing

machine. It is basically a keyboard with memory. It is lightweight

and can hold about a hundred pages of typing in eight files of

memory. It plugs into the keyboard socket on your computer. You can

send the typing to your computer's open word processing program, then

save or print the file. It is turning out to be a godsend for me. For

just word processing stuff, it is much handier than lugging around a

laptop and the batteries last about 500 hours compared to the

computer's only 3 or 4. This machine only weighs about 3lbs so is

easy to carry with me and is giving me some new found freedom to

write. What I bought is called alphaSmart and this is their web page:

http://www.alphasmart.com/

Off topic. My hair seems permanently frazzled since the last brain

surgery, that and all the drugs and side effects left me with no

teeth at all. Queen Helene Cholesterol cream heat treatments work

pretty well in restoring texture and body. When I can stay organized

enough to do it, this works very well. Do you brush your hair every

morning and night? This helps stimulate your scalp and improve hair

texture (I am not practicing all this as I should!).

Back to the language stuff. The first signs of seizures for me were

a sense of gut fear and a loss of speech comprehension. I would start

telling people they were babbling, not making sense and no one

understood I was having a seizure. Even without the seizures I can't

track speech very well and have trouble doing simple things like

asking for information in a grocery store or at the library; sound

comes in, but scrambles and doesn't always make sense to me. Now I

just tell people I had a stroke and they have to speak slowly or

repeat so I can understand. What is it like for you in this regard?

About my finding the book. Without a word, " lost " I couldn't find

the book because there was no picture in my mind of the concept. The

book wasn't right in front of me, so I could not picture in my mind

things like " lost, " " mislaid " or " at the library. " My mind just was

blank. I wanted to finish reading my book and was totally confused as

to why it wasn't possible, no pictures in my mind.

What I came to " see " (pun unavoidable) is that even the most

abstract thoughts (language) appear as concrete " pictures to the

mind. Without the picture we can't frame words and thoughts clearly,

if at all, because language is the picture we make of our reality. I

felt like I was always living in the dark, in the twilight zone. I

was in an apartment, but no longer had pictures telling me it was

mine, or yours, or anyone's. It was just a place. Language doesn't

exist in isolation frm emtions or other perceptions of our senses.

They are all inter-related, none complete without the other.

I can read aloud now, but could not always. I read science fiction

and sometimes detective mysteries. These help in that to read, we are

following a language pattern. By following the pattern, we are

retraining our own language faculties. Do you find this the case?

You wrote " ... It always helped, also,

> that novels have to have a beginning, middle, & end,.. " Doesn't

this help us pattern our sense of reality, not just language, help us

keep our sanity when the frustrations threaten to drive us mad?

The more you write, the more you are repatterning your ability

with language. You do know that new brain cells do grow as a result

of stimulating the brain don't you? Keep it up, in time you will see

the progress.

Today I'm fighting with my own demons which seem related to the

language loss. Since my first brain surgery, my brain and language

don't coordinate to tell me when I'm in pain in some respects to the

point it can cause problems.

When you get sick you probably feel sick and distressed as a

normal reaction to the situation. You probably know where and in what

way you are sick. It is in this respect language still fails me. I

feel distressed but don't know why, upset, maybe even depressed, but

for no certain reason. My ability to concentrate goes out the window

and makes me think maybe I'm still too brain injured to do anything

on a daily basis. Only when it gets very serious do I recognize I'm

in pain and even then it is not always clear.

I have a bad sinus problem and the swelling can put pressure on my

dentures and my jaws. The dentures may be putting too much pressure

on the damaged sinus area. I was about in tears and doing a lot of

irrational things before realizing I was in quite severe pain. I'm

seeing a denturist Monday and need to see a specialist about whether

the sinus problem can be corrected. For days I've been jumping up and

taking long rides for no good reason, not focusing and doing the

things I want to do, getting confused and frustrated.

> Hey Zoe,

>

> I have to thank you again for giving me that mental push to get me

writing

> again. I get to feeling sorry for myself sometimes & convinced I

can't do

> anything productive. & my family & friends don't help in that

respect --

> they either coddle me too much or don't understand what I'm going

through at

> all; either way, they make me very unhappy to be living in my skin.

My last

> bout of medication (Lamictal then Lamictal/Tegretol)threw me for a

loop &

> got everybody shaken; I was convinced that I would never

write " legibly "

> again, let alone well enough for anybody to want to read. Well, I

don't know

> whether I'm writing as well as I'd like, but I am writing -- & my

> confindence & motivation has increased 10 fold. Do you understand?

>

> --BTW, completely off the subject, I was wondering if there's any

solution

> to my hair loss? I stopped for a moment to think, ran my hand

through my

> hair & detatched about 6 or 7 strands. This is normal for me now; I

started

> losing hair when I was pregnant 4 years ago -- the hormone thing,

you know,

> plus the medication (I was on Tegretol while & after pregnancy). My

doctor

> looks at me disinterestly when I ask him about it: " most anti-

epileptic

> medications have this side effect " , he says. (i.e., " what do you

want me to

> do about it? Don't bother me with trivial matters " ).

>

> Anyway, back to what we were talking/writing about. You say, " I

knew I was

> seeing and feeling the world around me but couldn't get past things

like,

> " sky, blue, place, cafe, hot, cold, " nothing that wasn't very

concrete... "

> Hmmm. Was it -just- (sorry to use that derogatory word) a language

barrier?

> It seems more than that, for me as well. If it was just language,

you would

> have been able to find the book, even though you couldn't think of

the word.

> For me, my language skills wax & wane with my medication & my auras

(s.p.

> seizures): sometimes, I get very frustrated because I feel like I

have no

> native tongue at all, but sometimes it's worse. Sometimes my mind

feels like

> thick mud; not only don't the words appear so I can speak them, but

I can't

> even connect one thing to another to make even a faint spark.

>

> Hey, do you have a problem reading aloud?

>

> I have certain books that I read over & over ( & over) till the

cover is

> ripped off, pages torn & spine cracked or split in peices -- & then

I get

> another copy. When times were (are) difficult, I read these books.

Clive

> Barker, King, Straub -- horror/fantasy. Anything to

lose

> myself completely. At one point, I read the Harry Potter series

about 5

> times. I think the more difficult the period, the more basic &

> fantasy-oriented my reading material has to be... It always helped,

also,

> that novels have to have a beginning, middle, & end, have to have a

plot, &

> most of my books have happy endings, even if the main character

goes through

> h*ll getting to that point...

>

>

> ~Aja

>

>

> >From: Zoe_176@h...

> >Reply- @y...

> > @y...

> >Subject: [ ] Re: Aja--If you see this, stick your nose

in here

> >Date: Tue, 20 Mar 2001 06:46:44 -0000

> >

> > Hi Aja,

> > I'll also send some stuff on breathing and seizures in a day or

> >two. I didn't know June is aphasia month, thanks. Keep writing,

about

> >writing, about aphasia, anything that comes to mind (and words!).

> >What are your experiences, thoughts and feelings about writing (and

> >speech) now? I agree with what you said about linguistic " experts "

on

> >thought preceding language. Do you find the writing helps your

> >thinking? What about singing?

> > For me very often, it is like a loss of coordination. In order

to

> >put my thoughts into language (spoken or just " thinking " to

myself) I

> >have to put the emotion, the idea, and all the other components

> >together, all the five senses, and often get confused in the

process.

> >I had a bunch of notebooks that just contained pages with maybe one

> >or two words on them (a day's work!). I would sit in coffee shops

in

> >Seattle and try and describe where I was and my experiences. Much

of

> >the time little would come to me; I knew I was seeing and feeling

the

> >world around me but couldn't get past things like, " sky, blue,

place,

> >cafe, hot, cold, " nothing that wasn't very concrete. Wet cement is

> >how my words seemed to come out then. For that and other reasons, I

> >did try and kill myself in 1985, took lethal amounts of three

drugs,

> >but guess it wasn't my time.

> > Several months after my first brain surgery I was able to get

my

> >left eye to be still enough to read (my right still didn't stay

open,

> >all the muscles controling it had been cut through). One day I got

up

> >and wanted to read my book, Luria's " Mind of a Menomenist. "

However,

> >I got very distraught because it wasn't possible to read the book

and

> >the words to tell myself why wouldn't come. I spent several hours

> >trying to figure out why I couldn't read my book, but the only

words

> >I could think of were dislocated and mislocated, and they didn't

seem

> >right.

> > Finally, just about hysterical, I called my ex-husband at

work. I

> >explained as much as possible that I wanted to read my book but

> >couldn't tell myself why I wasn't able to do so. I asked him what I

> >was trying to tell myself. He said maybe the book was lost. Once I

> >heard the word, I could picture what happened and found where I'd

> >placed it the night before. Did you experience that kind of

> >confusion? In a restaruant once I ordered a grilled cheese

sandwich,

> >the kind that has a hamburger in it and comes on a bun.

> > In writing, it seems the " coordination " with language, emotion,

> >perceptions, is redeveloped and triggers the speech part of

language

> >to come back and improve. They both work together it seems, not one

> >before the other. Even after all these years I cannot track spoken

> >language very well. What did you read when times were so difficult

> >and what are your thoughts and feelings about it? Reading helped me

> >keep a sense of reality, when the world where I was trapped was so

> >chaotic.

> >Zoe

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

> _________________________________________________________________

> Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com

[Guest guest]

Wow, Zoe,

I'm having trouble getting my mind around the concept of physical pain &

language being interconnected. I'm accepting the idea that your body

(everyone's body) is a hologram: not only is everything interconnected, but

if one piece of the puzzle is injured, everything is in flux. Going deeper,

I'm very interested in quantum theory/quantum consciousness, especially

Bohm's theories, & would like to try to fit -- in my mind -- the idea of

physical reality & language together...

I disagree with the whole idea of abstract thought & language being one &

the same, though:

You said: " ...even the most abstract thoughts (language) appear as

>concrete " pictures to the mind... because language is the picture we >make

of our reality... "

Things I want to say, getting all jumbled up because I'm so impatient &

excited to say them (sorry). I go through minutes & even hours without a

word in my mind, yet I'm very aware & competent. I think it's not the

abstract thought that kicks into language, but the concrete; thoughts

turning into words, words turning into word-play. I've found (with me) that

words & mind-pictures are interconnected, & not a cause & effect reaction to

the thought. I.e., abstract thought --> concrete thought --> word/picture

--> language.

Sometimes, I can't think of the simple words for something & I have to

circle around or use complex word(s) for in place of the simple one, i.e.,

" nowhere to be found " in place of " lost " . A lot of people I've talked to

say, in passing, that I have impressive (probably stuffy) vocabulary, not

realizing that I'm simply searching for the right word! My daughter now has

the makings of this " impressive " vocabulary because of my doing...!

I have HORRIBLE handwriting -- I'm almost proud of the fact that most people

can't read it. No, I don't care about that (though thanks for the suggestion

about alphaSmart; I could write anywhere rather than just at home, & I

wouldn't have to collect all the fly-away notes to copy onto the computer at

night). You got it right on the second count: " Or is the main difficulty for

you in getting what is in your mind to be the same thing that you put on

paper? "

I'm exhausted & probably making no sense so I'm going to go to bed & read,

" Floating Dragon " till I pass out... Maybe I'll be more coherent in the

morning...!

~Aja

>From: Zoe_176@...

>Reply-

>

>Subject: [ ] Re: Aja--If you see this, stick your nose in here

>Date: Sun, 25 Mar 2001 18:57:54 -0000

>

>Hi Aja,

> You gotta hang tough and keep going doing what you are doing. The

>frustration is overwhelming at times, but we have to keep riding it

>out. I think of it as body surfing and cresting the waves. Feeling

>sorry for yourself is just part of the process. Give into it once in

>a while and pull the covers over your head (when you can).

> The lamictal worked over my brain too, even on a child-size dose.

>That was the last time I tried a seizure drug. This is the web site I

>posted to last night, another resource for alternative

>approaches to managing seizures:

>http://www.epilepsywellness.com/articles/acupunture.htm

> I didn't spend a lot of time on that web site but it looked very

>good to me, upbeat.

> Even if it doesn't feel or look that way, your writing improves

>every time you write, no matter what or where you write. That's

>because when you do writing, you are challenging yourself to engage

>all the areas of your brain involved in language\writing. In this

>way you are repatterning the skill. It's more than just practice, it

>is re-training your own brain.

> Sometimes in Seattle I would sit in a cafe for several hours

>drinking decaf coffee and trying to write something. Maybe only one

>or two words would end up on paper, no matter how much was in my head

>to say. Still, it was progress because I'd spent two or three or

>four hours working on my language. Clarilfy this for me. Are you most

>concerned about whether your handwriting is legible, as in is it neat

>writing or like a scrawl? Or is the main difficulty for you in

>getting what is in your mind to be the same thing that you put on

>paper?

> If it is the appearance of your handwriting, you can write

>coherently, but it isn't very legible, then you have a couple of

>options. There are several typing devices you can get that can make

>writing much easier for you if the main problem is the use of your

>hand. There is a type of keyboard made for one hand typists. A guy I

>used to know had one (one of his hands was blown off in an accident).

>He got that special keyboard and learned to type almost fifty words a

>minute.

> I learned to type with both hands but have never been able to

>write legibly by hand. Maybe I could if I went to a remote island and

>did nothing but practice hand writing, but there are too many other

>issues needing attention now. I recetly bought a neat little typing

>machine. It is basically a keyboard with memory. It is lightweight

>and can hold about a hundred pages of typing in eight files of

>memory. It plugs into the keyboard socket on your computer. You can

>send the typing to your computer's open word processing program, then

>save or print the file. It is turning out to be a godsend for me. For

>just word processing stuff, it is much handier than lugging around a

>laptop and the batteries last about 500 hours compared to the

>computer's only 3 or 4. This machine only weighs about 3lbs so is

>easy to carry with me and is giving me some new found freedom to

>write. What I bought is called alphaSmart and this is their web page:

>http://www.alphasmart.com/

>

> Off topic. My hair seems permanently frazzled since the last brain

>surgery, that and all the drugs and side effects left me with no

>teeth at all. Queen Helene Cholesterol cream heat treatments work

>pretty well in restoring texture and body. When I can stay organized

>enough to do it, this works very well. Do you brush your hair every

>morning and night? This helps stimulate your scalp and improve hair

>texture (I am not practicing all this as I should!).

> Back to the language stuff. The first signs of seizures for me were

>a sense of gut fear and a loss of speech comprehension. I would start

>telling people they were babbling, not making sense and no one

>understood I was having a seizure. Even without the seizures I can't

>track speech very well and have trouble doing simple things like

>asking for information in a grocery store or at the library; sound

>comes in, but scrambles and doesn't always make sense to me. Now I

>just tell people I had a stroke and they have to speak slowly or

>repeat so I can understand. What is it like for you in this regard?

> About my finding the book. Without a word, " lost " I couldn't find

>the book because there was no picture in my mind of the concept. The

>book wasn't right in front of me, so I could not picture in my mind

>things like " lost, " " mislaid " or " at the library. " My mind just was

>blank. I wanted to finish reading my book and was totally confused as

>to why it wasn't possible, no pictures in my mind.

> What I came to " see " (pun unavoidable) is that even the most

>abstract thoughts (language) appear as concrete " pictures to the

>mind. Without the picture we can't frame words and thoughts clearly,

>if at all, because language is the picture we make of our reality. I

>felt like I was always living in the dark, in the twilight zone. I

>was in an apartment, but no longer had pictures telling me it was

>mine, or yours, or anyone's. It was just a place. Language doesn't

>exist in isolation frm emtions or other perceptions of our senses.

>They are all inter-related, none complete without the other.

> I can read aloud now, but could not always. I read science fiction

>and sometimes detective mysteries. These help in that to read, we are

>following a language pattern. By following the pattern, we are

>retraining our own language faculties. Do you find this the case?

> You wrote " ... It always helped, also,

> > that novels have to have a beginning, middle, & end,.. " Doesn't

>this help us pattern our sense of reality, not just language, help us

>keep our sanity when the frustrations threaten to drive us mad?

> The more you write, the more you are repatterning your ability

>with language. You do know that new brain cells do grow as a result

>of stimulating the brain don't you? Keep it up, in time you will see

>the progress.

> Today I'm fighting with my own demons which seem related to the

>language loss. Since my first brain surgery, my brain and language

>don't coordinate to tell me when I'm in pain in some respects to the

>point it can cause problems.

> When you get sick you probably feel sick and distressed as a

>normal reaction to the situation. You probably know where and in what

>way you are sick. It is in this respect language still fails me. I

>feel distressed but don't know why, upset, maybe even depressed, but

>for no certain reason. My ability to concentrate goes out the window

>and makes me think maybe I'm still too brain injured to do anything

>on a daily basis. Only when it gets very serious do I recognize I'm

>in pain and even then it is not always clear.

> I have a bad sinus problem and the swelling can put pressure on my

>dentures and my jaws. The dentures may be putting too much pressure

>on the damaged sinus area. I was about in tears and doing a lot of

>irrational things before realizing I was in quite severe pain. I'm

>seeing a denturist Monday and need to see a specialist about whether

>the sinus problem can be corrected. For days I've been jumping up and

>taking long rides for no good reason, not focusing and doing the

>things I want to do, getting confused and frustrated.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> > Hey Zoe,

> >

> > I have to thank you again for giving me that mental push to get me

>writing

> > again. I get to feeling sorry for myself sometimes & convinced I

>can't do

> > anything productive. & my family & friends don't help in that

>respect --

> > they either coddle me too much or don't understand what I'm going

>through at

> > all; either way, they make me very unhappy to be living in my skin.

>My last

> > bout of medication (Lamictal then Lamictal/Tegretol)threw me for a

>loop &

> > got everybody shaken; I was convinced that I would never

>write " legibly "

> > again, let alone well enough for anybody to want to read. Well, I

>don't know

> > whether I'm writing as well as I'd like, but I am writing -- & my

> > confindence & motivation has increased 10 fold. Do you understand?

> >

> > --BTW, completely off the subject, I was wondering if there's any

>solution

> > to my hair loss? I stopped for a moment to think, ran my hand

>through my

> > hair & detatched about 6 or 7 strands. This is normal for me now; I

>started

> > losing hair when I was pregnant 4 years ago -- the hormone thing,

>you know,

> > plus the medication (I was on Tegretol while & after pregnancy). My

>doctor

> > looks at me disinterestly when I ask him about it: " most anti-

>epileptic

> > medications have this side effect " , he says. (i.e., " what do you

>want me to

> > do about it? Don't bother me with trivial matters " ).

> >

> > Anyway, back to what we were talking/writing about. You say, " I

>knew I was

> > seeing and feeling the world around me but couldn't get past things

>like,

> > " sky, blue, place, cafe, hot, cold, " nothing that wasn't very

>concrete... "

> > Hmmm. Was it -just- (sorry to use that derogatory word) a language

>barrier?

> > It seems more than that, for me as well. If it was just language,

>you would

> > have been able to find the book, even though you couldn't think of

>the word.

> > For me, my language skills wax & wane with my medication & my auras

>(s.p.

> > seizures): sometimes, I get very frustrated because I feel like I

>have no

> > native tongue at all, but sometimes it's worse. Sometimes my mind

>feels like

> > thick mud; not only don't the words appear so I can speak them, but

>I can't

> > even connect one thing to another to make even a faint spark.

> >

> > Hey, do you have a problem reading aloud?

> >

> > I have certain books that I read over & over ( & over) till the

>cover is

> > ripped off, pages torn & spine cracked or split in peices -- & then

>I get

> > another copy. When times were (are) difficult, I read these books.

>Clive

> > Barker, King, Straub -- horror/fantasy. Anything to

>lose

> > myself completely. At one point, I read the Harry Potter series

>about 5

> > times. I think the more difficult the period, the more basic &

> > fantasy-oriented my reading material has to be... It always helped,

>also,

> > that novels have to have a beginning, middle, & end, have to have a

>plot, &

> > most of my books have happy endings, even if the main character

>goes through

> > h*ll getting to that point...

> >

> >

> > ~Aja

> >

> >

> > >From: Zoe_176@h...

> > >Reply- @y...

> > > @y...

> > >Subject: [ ] Re: Aja--If you see this, stick your nose

>in here

> > >Date: Tue, 20 Mar 2001 06:46:44 -0000

> > >

> > > Hi Aja,

> > > I'll also send some stuff on breathing and seizures in a day or

> > >two. I didn't know June is aphasia month, thanks. Keep writing,

>about

> > >writing, about aphasia, anything that comes to mind (and words!).

> > >What are your experiences, thoughts and feelings about writing (and

> > >speech) now? I agree with what you said about linguistic " experts "

>on

> > >thought preceding language. Do you find the writing helps your

> > >thinking? What about singing?

> > > For me very often, it is like a loss of coordination. In order

>to

> > >put my thoughts into language (spoken or just " thinking " to

>myself) I

> > >have to put the emotion, the idea, and all the other components

> > >together, all the five senses, and often get confused in the

>process.

> > >I had a bunch of notebooks that just contained pages with maybe one

> > >or two words on them (a day's work!). I would sit in coffee shops

>in

> > >Seattle and try and describe where I was and my experiences. Much

>of

> > >the time little would come to me; I knew I was seeing and feeling

>the

> > >world around me but couldn't get past things like, " sky, blue,

>place,

> > >cafe, hot, cold, " nothing that wasn't very concrete. Wet cement is

> > >how my words seemed to come out then. For that and other reasons, I

> > >did try and kill myself in 1985, took lethal amounts of three

>drugs,

> > >but guess it wasn't my time.

> > > Several months after my first brain surgery I was able to get

>my

> > >left eye to be still enough to read (my right still didn't stay

>open,

> > >all the muscles controling it had been cut through). One day I got

>up

> > >and wanted to read my book, Luria's " Mind of a Menomenist. "

>However,

> > >I got very distraught because it wasn't possible to read the book

>and

> > >the words to tell myself why wouldn't come. I spent several hours

> > >trying to figure out why I couldn't read my book, but the only

>words

> > >I could think of were dislocated and mislocated, and they didn't

>seem

> > >right.

> > > Finally, just about hysterical, I called my ex-husband at

>work. I

> > >explained as much as possible that I wanted to read my book but

> > >couldn't tell myself why I wasn't able to do so. I asked him what I

> > >was trying to tell myself. He said maybe the book was lost. Once I

> > >heard the word, I could picture what happened and found where I'd

> > >placed it the night before. Did you experience that kind of

> > >confusion? In a restaruant once I ordered a grilled cheese

>sandwich,

> > >the kind that has a hamburger in it and comes on a bun.

> > > In writing, it seems the " coordination " with language, emotion,

> > >perceptions, is redeveloped and triggers the speech part of

>language

> > >to come back and improve. They both work together it seems, not one

> > >before the other. Even after all these years I cannot track spoken

> > >language very well. What did you read when times were so difficult

> > >and what are your thoughts and feelings about it? Reading helped me

> > >keep a sense of reality, when the world where I was trapped was so

> > >chaotic.

> > >Zoe

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> > _________________________________________________________________

> > Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com

>

_________________________________________________________________

Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com

[Guest guest]

Don't laugh at me Aja, I think iI didn't express my thoughts clearly

(maybe I was out of wert cement?). You wrote:

" I disagree with the whole idea of abstract thought & language being

one & the same, though: You said: '...even the most abstract

thoughts (language) appear as

concrete " pictures to the mind... because language is the picture we

make of our reality...'

Perhaps I should have written it this way. Language is the clay

(wet cement?) with which we sculpt our personal reality. Is that

statement too concrete? Or, too abstract? The frustration ( though

sometimes fun) in writing this way is we are challenging ourselves to

communicate better by doing it. (maybe growing new hippocampal cells

in the process. I read Bohm and some others many years ago. It is

Pribram who developed the theory of holographic memoy. The scientist,

Pietsch did studies on salamanders' brains that verified the

early theories. Are you reading his ook " ShuffleBrain " online?

http://www.indiana.edu/~pietsch/shufflebrain-book00.html

" But in a hologram, the carrier of meaning--or phase-- cannot be

reached with an eraser or a knife. Unlike our sheets, the hologramic

code ought to survive any anatomical changes we can make. Herein is

hologramic theory's most astonishing prediction: shuffling the brain

will not scramble the mind! And how might we shuffle a living brain?

The answer is embodied in the salamander. "

This quote is from chapter five. It is his book that helped me make

sense of my dilemma and convinced me that I could stimulate my brain

to repair itself. If you aren't doing so, you may want to read this

online. I'm due to read it again myself. My brain is fading and I'm

moving to my apt. in the morning. I hope you rested well and take

time to practice some slow deep diaphragmatic breathing.

Zoe

[Guest guest]

Please Please take my e-mail address off your list.

--- Aja Beasley <aja_ab@...> wrote:

> Wow, Zoe,

>

> I'm having trouble getting my mind around the

> concept of physical pain &

> language being interconnected. I'm accepting the

> idea that your body

> (everyone's body) is a hologram: not only is

> everything interconnected, but

> if one piece of the puzzle is injured, everything is

> in flux. Going deeper,

> I'm very interested in quantum theory/quantum

> consciousness, especially

> Bohm's theories, & would like to try to fit -- in my

> mind -- the idea of

> physical reality & language together...

>

> I disagree with the whole idea of abstract thought &

> language being one &

> the same, though:

>

> You said: " ...even the most abstract thoughts

> (language) appear as

> >concrete " pictures to the mind... because language

> is the picture we >make

> of our reality... "

>

> Things I want to say, getting all jumbled up because

> I'm so impatient &

> excited to say them (sorry). I go through minutes &

> even hours without a

> word in my mind, yet I'm very aware & competent. I

> think it's not the

> abstract thought that kicks into language, but the

> concrete; thoughts

> turning into words, words turning into word-play.

> I've found (with me) that

> words & mind-pictures are interconnected, & not a

> cause & effect reaction to

> the thought. I.e., abstract thought --> concrete

> thought --> word/picture

> --> language.

>

> Sometimes, I can't think of the simple words for

> something & I have to

> circle around or use complex word(s) for in place of

> the simple one, i.e.,

> " nowhere to be found " in place of " lost " . A lot of

> people I've talked to

> say, in passing, that I have impressive (probably

> stuffy) vocabulary, not

> realizing that I'm simply searching for the right

> word! My daughter now has

> the makings of this " impressive " vocabulary because

> of my doing...!

>

> I have HORRIBLE handwriting -- I'm almost proud of

> the fact that most people

> can't read it. No, I don't care about that (though

> thanks for the suggestion

> about alphaSmart; I could write anywhere rather than

> just at home, & I

> wouldn't have to collect all the fly-away notes to

> copy onto the computer at

> night). You got it right on the second count: " Or is

> the main difficulty for

> you in getting what is in your mind to be the same

> thing that you put on

> paper? "

>

> I'm exhausted & probably making no sense so I'm

> going to go to bed & read,

> " Floating Dragon " till I pass out... Maybe I'll be

> more coherent in the

> morning...!

>

> ~Aja

>

>

> >From: Zoe_176@...

> >Reply-

> >

> >Subject: [ ] Re: Aja--If you see this,

> stick your nose in here

> >Date: Sun, 25 Mar 2001 18:57:54 -0000

> >

> >Hi Aja,

> > You gotta hang tough and keep going doing what

> you are doing. The

> >frustration is overwhelming at times, but we have

> to keep riding it

> >out. I think of it as body surfing and cresting the

> waves. Feeling

> >sorry for yourself is just part of the process.

> Give into it once in

> >a while and pull the covers over your head (when

> you can).

> > The lamictal worked over my brain too, even on

> a child-size dose.

> >That was the last time I tried a seizure drug. This

> is the web site I

> >posted to last night, another resource for

> alternative

> >approaches to managing seizures:

>

>http://www.epilepsywellness.com/articles/acupunture.htm

> > I didn't spend a lot of time on that web site but

> it looked very

> >good to me, upbeat.

> > Even if it doesn't feel or look that way, your

> writing improves

> >every time you write, no matter what or where you

> write. That's

> >because when you do writing, you are challenging

> yourself to engage

> >all the areas of your brain involved in

> language\writing. In this

> >way you are repatterning the skill. It's more than

> just practice, it

> >is re-training your own brain.

> > Sometimes in Seattle I would sit in a cafe for

> several hours

> >drinking decaf coffee and trying to write

> something. Maybe only one

> >or two words would end up on paper, no matter how

> much was in my head

> >to say. Still, it was progress because I'd spent

> two or three or

> >four hours working on my language. Clarilfy this

> for me. Are you most

> >concerned about whether your handwriting is

> legible, as in is it neat

> >writing or like a scrawl? Or is the main difficulty

> for you in

> >getting what is in your mind to be the same thing

> that you put on

> >paper?

> > If it is the appearance of your handwriting, you

> can write

> >coherently, but it isn't very legible, then you

> have a couple of

> >options. There are several typing devices you can

> get that can make

> >writing much easier for you if the main problem is

> the use of your

> >hand. There is a type of keyboard made for one hand

> typists. A guy I

> >used to know had one (one of his hands was blown

> off in an accident).

> >He got that special keyboard and learned to type

> almost fifty words a

> >minute.

> > I learned to type with both hands but have

> never been able to

> >write legibly by hand. Maybe I could if I went to a

> remote island and

> >did nothing but practice hand writing, but there

> are too many other

> >issues needing attention now. I recetly bought a

> neat little typing

> >machine. It is basically a keyboard with memory. It

> is lightweight

> >and can hold about a hundred pages of typing in

> eight files of

> >memory. It plugs into the keyboard socket on your

> computer. You can

> >send the typing to your computer's open word

> processing program, then

> >save or print the file. It is turning out to be a

> godsend for me. For

> >just word processing stuff, it is much handier than

> lugging around a

> >laptop and the batteries last about 500 hours

> compared to the

> >computer's only 3 or 4. This machine only weighs

> about 3lbs so is

> >easy to carry with me and is giving me some new

> found freedom to

> >write. What I bought is called alphaSmart and this

> is their web page:

> >http://www.alphasmart.com/

> >

> > Off topic. My hair seems permanently frazzled

> since the last brain

> >surgery, that and all the drugs and side effects

> left me with no

> >teeth at all. Queen Helene Cholesterol cream heat

> treatments work

> >pretty well in restoring texture and body. When I

> can stay organized

> >enough to do it, this works very well. Do you brush

> your hair every

> >morning and night? This helps stimulate your scalp

> and improve hair

> >texture (I am not practicing all this as I

> should!).

> > Back to the language stuff. The first signs of

> seizures for me were

> >a sense of gut fear and a loss of speech

> comprehension. I would start

> >telling people they were babbling, not making sense

> and no one

> >understood I was having a seizure. Even without the

> seizures

=== message truncated ===

__________________________________________________