A Day at the Spa

[Guest guest]

I thought all of you might enjoy this. The only exaggeration is the number 235!

As school comes to a close, I am fortunate to have just had a night and day at

quite a unique spa. The first night of this Colonic Extravaganza took place in

the comfort of my very own home. Stage one in the Spa Experience consists of

four little pills intended to " cleanse " your system. Hmmm....I considered

taking these pills at school, because you are supposed to take them at 1:00.

" How bad can they be? " I asked myself. " Go ahead and take them, " I insisted.

But then a little voice inside me thought again and convinced me that unless I

brought extra clothes to school, that might not be a good idea. What a wise

little voice.

Tues. 7 p.m. - eat my last meal for 48 hours, then immediately begin to need all

food that exists.

Wed. morning - Fantasize about eating breakfast. Pack " broth " to eat at work.

Wed. noon - drink broth and then test three kids' reading levels, thinking about

how much I hate broth.

3:00 take four pills (hereafter called Hell Pills)

Get in car quickly to head home

3:30 arrive home, thinking " This is not so bad! What's all the fuss about? "

4:00 mix the very large container of solution for stage two. What flavor shall

I put in? Lemon Lime, Orange, Cherry? Isn't it nice that they give you such

nice flavor choices? I choose orange, which by the way does not taste like

oranges. Mood still upbeat.

4:30 still wondering - " What's the big deal? "

5:00 Begin to realize the big deal. Head upstairs to bathroom.

5:01 Aliens have taken over my body and apparently injected me with convulsive

solution. I never really sweat, but sweat was literally dripping from my body.

I consider dialing 911 because I think I may be dying. Cleansing - ha! I try

to use breathing exercises that I learned in Lamaze class 18 years ago. They

didn't work for childbirth, and they don't work for Spa Day, either. Soaked

with sweat, feeling VERY ill, all I want to do is lie down, but I can't get off

the toilet. Spasms rock my stomach. I take off all of my clothes and lie on

the bathroom floor because I just had to cool off and lie down. I tell myself I

will never ever go through this again. I make bargains with myself. I am still

convinced that death is imminent. Jess is at work. All three cats are in the

tiny bathroom, staring at me on the floor naked. I wonder if I could convince

Blue, the youngest cat, to get me the phone. He likes to frolic in cat litter,

so I doubt it. My back hurts, my

legs hurt, and enough solution is pouring out of me to recreate the ancient

Roman irrigation system. I get back on the floor and fall asleep for a few

minutes, blissful pain-free minutes. Or - did I pass out??? I wake up cold and

still naked. Why hasn't my Spa Coordinator come to assist me? I could easily

get a pedicure as I go through this procedure.

6:01 It dawns on me that I might not die. Stomach spasms still occurring, but

abating.

6:10 Start my first of 9 cups of New Solution. Drink one cup every ten minutes

while watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. They are doing make-overs on a

husband and wife who are still in love after 13 years. Drink solution, shed

tears of happiness for the couple. Drink solution, envy their new living room.

Drink solution, think about how hungry I am as they make artichoke dip. By the

ninth cup, not only does it not taste like orange, but I am having to create new

bargains in my head " Pretend you will die if you don't drink all of this. "

7:30 Solution makes its way through my body slowly. Go upstairs to get rid of

it, about 235 times. Still no pedicure happening.

9:30 collapse into sleep...

5:30 wake up and count how many hours until I can eat (9 more hours)

12:30 Arrive at Stage two of Spa Day. " Welcome to the Endoscopy Center. " What a

nice Spa Director. Where are the fresh fruit and mints? None in sight.

" Take off all of your clothes except your socks. " No pedicure, I guess. I

didn't know socks were a requirement.

1:00 Given my Spa Clothing - a nice blue " cape " - very comfy and easy to fasten.

1:15 Given I.V.

1:30 Gargle this solution so that it numbs the back of your throat. " It is

orange-flavored. " No, it's not. " OK, we are sedating you now. " Tube down

throat for upper endoscopy. Wake up just in time for tube to be inserted in the

other end. Observe and comment on the whole procedure, much to the doctor's

annoyance. Repeat myself several times due to Demerol. " We took six samples to

biopsy. Nothing to worry about. Everything else looks good. "

When can I eat?

2:00 Taken to recovery. Blood pressure is too low, so eat some crackers - Wow

these are the best crackers I have ever had. I love Spa Food. I feel so darned

pampered.

2:30 My daughter arrives to drive me home. I ramble on incoherently in the car.

Why does she keep laughing? I think I am being very perceptive and insightful.

And hilarous in a very intelligent way.

Stop and pick up Chinese food - the best ever!

I would like to thank everyone who made this possible.