Guest guest Posted August 24, 2010 Report Share Posted August 24, 2010 You may wish to petition for sole custody. You will likely need to have a guardian ad litem appointed to do a thorough investigation of what occurs at mom's. Regrettably, much will depend on honest everyone is / how credible you seem vs. Mom. Very Truly YoursTodd B. KotlerAttorney and Counselor at Law330-777-0065 Phone-Fax-VoicemailSent via BlackBerry by AT&T. Please excuse any terseness or misspellings. (Those who know me already expect both) This e-mail contains information intended only for the use of the individual or entity named above and may be protected by attorney-client privilege. However, the mere receipt of this e-mail, alone, is not sufficient to create an attorney-client relationship. If the reader of this e-mail is not the intended recipient or the employee or agent responsible for delivering it to the intended recipient, any dissemination, publication or copying of this e-mail is strictly prohibited. The sender does not accept any responsibility for any loss, disruption or damage to your data or computer system that may occur while using data contained in, or transmitted with, this e-mail. If you have received this e-mail in error, please immediately notify us by return e-mail. Thank youFrom: "Deanna" <deannak7378@...>Sender: Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2010 03:19:34 -0000< >Reply Subject: ( ) In tears - dang mad HELP!!! My step son is almost 16years old. His father and I have joint custody which equates to 1 week with us and 1 week with his Mother. Every Monday when he returns to us, we have to reprogram his personal hygiene habits. Well, finally this evening, he admitted to us that when he is at his Mom's he does not bathe regularly and if he does bathe, he does not use soap. He does not brush his teeth, and 1/2 the time he wears dirty clothes. So naturally when he comes back to us, he smells and his skin is riddled with open sores (from picked at acne). We spend all week " reprogramming " him to take care of himself and then he goes back to his Mom's and the cycle begins again!!! Please, I am at wits end. 3 years is enough, and I am afraid that I may lay ultimatiums that could destroy my husband and I. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2010 Report Share Posted August 24, 2010 You're suggesting petitioning for sole custody b/c the boy isn't as clean as she'd like for him to be when he's with his mom? That sounds extreme to me. Deanna - I think this is typical teenage boy behavior. Not ideal, of course, but unless there is something else severe happening, it wouldn't warrant this boy not getting to see his mom. Something about the whole post is a little off to me, anyway. You would threaten the break up of your marriage over this? The parents of your step-son should be the ones discussing this, frankly, not you. I understand why you would be frustrated, but I would share your feedback with your husband and let him deal with is how he sees fit. His mom might be wanting her 16-yr-old boy to police his own hygiene, which I understand. How can you be sure he uses soap when he's at your house? There just has to be a better way of dealing with this than threatening a fight w/ your husband or requesting sole custody. "Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out." From: Todd Kotler <TBKotler@...>" groups (DOT) com" < >Sent: Tue, August 24, 2010 8:20:07 AMSubject: Re: ( ) In tears - dang mad You may wish to petition for sole custody. You will likely need to have a guardian ad litem appointed to do a thorough investigation of what occurs at mom's. Regrettably, much will depend on honest everyone is / how credible you seem vs. Mom. Very Truly YoursTodd B. KotlerAttorney and Counselor at Law330-777-0065 Phone-Fax-VoicemailSent via BlackBerry by AT & T. Please excuse any terseness or misspellings. (Those who know me already expect both) This e-mail contains information intended only for the use of the individual or entity named above and may be protected by attorney-client privilege. However, the mere receipt of this e-mail, alone, is not sufficient to create an attorney-client relationship. If the reader of this e-mail is not the intended recipient or the employee or agent responsible for delivering it to the intended recipient, any dissemination, publication or copying of this e-mail is strictly prohibited. The sender does not accept any responsibility for any loss, disruption or damage to your data or computer system that may occur while using data contained in, or transmitted with, this e-mail. If you have received this e-mail in error, please immediately notify us by return e-mail. Thank you From: "Deanna" <deannak7378@...> Sender: Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2010 03:19:34 -0000 < > Reply Subject: ( ) In tears - dang mad HELP!!! My step son is almost 16years old. His father and I have joint custody which equates to 1 week with us and 1 week with his Mother. Every Monday when he returns to us, we have to reprogram his personal hygiene habits. Well, finally this evening, he admitted to us that when he is at his Mom's he does not bathe regularly and if he does bathe, he does not use soap. He does not brush his teeth, and 1/2 the time he wears dirty clothes. So naturally when he comes back to us, he smells and his skin is riddled with open sores (from picked at acne). We spend all week "reprogramming" him to take care of himself and then he goes back to his Mom's and the cycle begins again!!! Please, I am at wits end. 3 years is enough, and I am afraid that I may lay ultimatiums that could destroy my husband and I. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2010 Report Share Posted August 24, 2010 I'm sorry , but I don't think there is anything typical when we are talking about an Aspergers child (or teenage years)! Yes, it is true no teenage boy is big on hygeine...until they start spending too much time in the shower! However, w/aspergers its all different. My 12 y/o dd has aspergers and teaching her social skills (especially hygiene) is constant reminders and practically a full time job. We have to keep in mind that kids w/poor hygiene are teased and bullied in school and this being added ontop of anything else, isn't good for teenage boy, or girl. it is our job as parents (step included) to do the best we can in preparing our kids for life and to be a part of society. I think there are a couple of things here: first, Deanna, is it as bad as you say or is this just new to you and you are somewhat schocked and grossed out by it all. may the bio-mom is trying a different approach......is she basically a good mom? If she's not and she is being neglectfull, than that is an issue where you may have to take a legal approach. second, you don't need to create problems w/your spouse...where does he stand on this whole thing...you really can't just step in and take over - if you do...your going to have problems....what is your relationship w/ bio-mom? talk to her, work as a team to help your son w/his hygiene problem. BUT, BE CAREFUL! don't attack her, make her your allied. Before you do anything though, ask yourself,,,,,,is it your stepson that your trully concerned w/? or is it your home, your furniture, your nose.....etc. Good Luck Sincere Regards, Kathy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2010 Report Share Posted August 24, 2010 Will the mom not work with you at all? I was thinking you could write down the schedule he is used to at your home and then maybe she could follow it at hers? Roxanna "I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them." - Jefferson ( ) In tears - dang mad HELP!!! My step son is almost 16years old. His father and I have joint custody which equates to 1 week with us and 1 week with his Mother. Every Monday when he returns to us, we have to reprogram his personal hygiene habits. Well, finally this evening, he admitted to us that when he is at his Mom's he does not bathe regularly and if he does bathe, he does not use soap. He does not brush his teeth, and 1/2 the time he wears dirty clothes. So naturally when he comes back to us, he smells and his skin is riddled with open sores (from picked at acne). We spend all week "reprogramming" him to take care of himself and then he goes back to his Mom's and the cycle begins again!!! Please, I am at wits end. 3 years is enough, and I am afraid that I may lay ultimatiums that could destroy my husband and I. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 29, 2010 Report Share Posted August 29, 2010 We are in the process of acquiring full custody. - you say that this is something that should be discussed between my husband and his ex, and I assure you that it has been discussed over and over between the 2 for over 3 years. My husband is just as frustrated with the situation as I am. His mother has told us and that " She is done, he has ruined her life, and she gives up " This is also the same woman who kicked her other special needs child out of her home in October of last year. And even tho he is not my husband's biological child, we took him and and he is thriving! He has graduated high school and is currently attending college. goes back to his mom's tomorrow and we are going to use the wait and see approach. We enrolled him in our local KAP program and we are hoping the interaction he gets with other teens his age helps. I only wish for a peaceful existence between the parents. is a bright and wonderful teen who only wants to please people. He is confused with the inconsistency between the households and is equally frustrated with the different household standards. He tells us time and time again that he wants to live here full time. On another note, my husband and I are doing great and the communication between the 3 of us is a lot better. I do not get involved in the conversations between him and his ex and I leave the parenting and discipline up to him. Thanks to all for your advice - we will keep on trudging thru and hope for a positive outcome for all involved. :-) > > You're suggesting petitioning for sole custody b/c the boy isn't as clean as > she'd like for him to be when he's with his mom?  That sounds extreme to me. > > > Deanna - I think this is typical teenage boy behavior.  Not ideal, of course, > but unless there is something else severe happening, it wouldn't warrant this > boy not getting to see his mom. Something about the whole post is a little off > to me, anyway. You would threaten the break up of your marriage over this? The > parents of your step-son should be the ones discussing this, frankly, not you. > I understand why you would be frustrated, but I would share your feedback with > your husband and let him deal with is how he sees fit. His mom might be > wanting her 16-yr-old boy to police his own hygiene, which I understand. How > can you be sure he uses soap when he's at your house? There just has to be a > better way of dealing with this than threatening a fight w/ your husband or > requesting sole custody. > >  > > > " Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one > out. " > > > > > > ________________________________ > From: Todd Kotler <TBKotler@...> > " groups (DOT) com " < > > Sent: Tue, August 24, 2010 8:20:07 AM > Subject: Re: ( ) In tears - dang mad > >  > You may wish to petition for sole custody. You will likely need to have a > guardian ad litem appointed to do a thorough investigation of what occurs at > mom's. Regrettably, much will depend on honest everyone is / how credible you > seem vs. Mom. > > Very Truly Yours > > > Todd B. Kotler > Attorney and Counselor at Law > 330-777-0065 > Phone-Fax-Voicemail > > Sent via BlackBerry by AT & T. > > Please excuse any terseness or misspellings. (Those who know me already expect > both) This e-mail contains information intended only for the use of the > individual or entity named above and may be protected by attorney-client > privilege. However, the mere receipt of this e-mail, alone, is not sufficient to > create an attorney-client relationship. > > > If the reader of this e-mail is not the intended recipient or the employee or > agent responsible for delivering it to the intended recipient, any > dissemination, publication or copying of this e-mail is strictly prohibited. The > sender does not accept any responsibility for any loss, disruption or damage to > your data or computer system that may occur while using data contained in, or > transmitted with, this e-mail. If you have received this e-mail in error, please > immediately notify us by return e-mail. > > > Thank you > ________________________________ > > From: " Deanna " <deannak7378@...> > Sender: > Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2010 03:19:34 -0000 > < > > Reply > Subject: ( ) In tears - dang mad >  > HELP!!! My step son is almost 16years old. His father and I have joint custody > which equates to 1 week with us and 1 week with his Mother. Every Monday when he > returns to us, we have to reprogram his personal hygiene habits. Well, finally > this evening, he admitted to us that when he is at his Mom's he does not bathe > regularly and if he does bathe, he does not use soap. He does not brush his > teeth, and 1/2 the time he wears dirty clothes. So naturally when he comes back > to us, he smells and his skin is riddled with open sores (from picked at acne). > We spend all week " reprogramming " him to take care of himself and then he goes > back to his Mom's and the cycle begins again!!! Please, I am at wits end. 3 > years is enough, and I am afraid that I may lay ultimatiums that could destroy > my husband and I. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 30, 2010 Report Share Posted August 30, 2010 The extra information helps. If your step-son wants to live with you guys full-time, it is a shame he can't. What does his mom say about it? It must be hard on any child to have to live one week one place and then the next week, a different place, much less a child on the autism spectrum. If she truly feels like he has "ruined her life" you would think she would be happy for him to live elsewhere. I am glad to hear your husband has brought up the hygiene issue to his ex before. I think another poster had the right idea to make a checklist of things he needs to do to take care of himself properly and send it in his bag. It will be up to him, of course, to use the checklist, but at least he has it if he wants it. I still believe he needs to take more ownership in this area, just because of his age. I am constantly reevaluating how much I do for my son. I feel like I have almost allowed him to not have to think about things because I am thinking about it for him. I do the same thing to my 8 year old NT daughter though, so it is not just about Aspergers. This parenting thing is HARD! I guess the light at the end of the tunnel is that he's nearing 18 and once he turns 18, he can decide for himself where he wants to live full-time. Take care, From: Deanna <deannak7378@...> Sent: Sun, August 29, 2010 10:19:40 PMSubject: Re: ( ) In tears - dang mad We are in the process of acquiring full custody. - you say that this is something that should be discussed between my husband and his ex, and I assure you that it has been discussed over and over between the 2 for over 3 years. My husband is just as frustrated with the situation as I am. His mother has told us and that "She is done, he has ruined her life, and she gives up" This is also the same woman who kicked her other special needs child out of her home in October of last year. And even tho he is not my husband's biological child, we took him and and he is thriving! He has graduated high school and is currently attending college. goes back to his mom's tomorrow and we are going to use the wait and see approach. We enrolled him in our local KAP program and we are hoping the interaction he gets with other teens his age helps. I only wish for a peaceful existence between the parents. is a bright and wonderful teen who only wants to please people. He is confused with the inconsistency between the households and is equally frustrated with the different household standards. He tells us time and time again that he wants to live here full time. On another note, my husband and I are doing great and the communication between the 3 of us is a lot better. I do not get involved in the conversations between him and his ex and I leave the parenting and discipline up to him. Thanks to all for your advice - we will keep on trudging thru and hope for a positive outcome for all involved. :-) >> You're suggesting petitioning for sole custody b/c the boy isn't as clean as > she'd like for him to be when he's with his mom?  That sounds extreme to me. > > > Deanna - I think this is typical teenage boy behavior.  Not ideal, of course, > but unless there is something else severe happening, it wouldn't warrant this > boy not getting to see his mom. Something about the whole post is a little off > to me, anyway. You would threaten the break up of your marriage over this? The > parents of your step-son should be the ones discussing this, frankly, not you. > I understand why you would be frustrated, but I would share your feedback with > your husband and let him deal with is how he sees fit. His mom might be > wanting her 16-yr-old boy to police his own hygiene, which I understand. How > can you be sure he uses soap when he's at your house? There just has to be a > better way of dealing with this than threatening a fight w/ your husband or > requesting sole custody. > >  > > > "Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one > out." > > > > > > ________________________________> From: Todd Kotler <TBKotler@...>> " groups (DOT) com" < >> Sent: Tue, August 24, 2010 8:20:07 AM> Subject: Re: ( ) In tears - dang mad> >  > You may wish to petition for sole custody. You will likely need to have a > guardian ad litem appointed to do a thorough investigation of what occurs at > mom's. Regrettably, much will depend on honest everyone is / how credible you > seem vs. Mom. > > Very Truly Yours> > > Todd B. Kotler> Attorney and Counselor at Law> 330-777-0065 > Phone-Fax-Voicemail> > Sent via BlackBerry by AT & T. > > Please excuse any terseness or misspellings. (Those who know me already expect > both) This e-mail contains information intended only for the use of the > individual or entity named above and may be protected by attorney-client > privilege. However, the mere receipt of this e-mail, alone, is not sufficient to > create an attorney-client relationship. > > > If the reader of this e-mail is not the intended recipient or the employee or > agent responsible for delivering it to the intended recipient, any > dissemination, publication or copying of this e-mail is strictly prohibited. The > sender does not accept any responsibility for any loss, disruption or damage to > your data or computer system that may occur while using data contained in, or > transmitted with, this e-mail. If you have received this e-mail in error, please > immediately notify us by return e-mail. > > > Thank you> ________________________________> > From: "Deanna" <deannak7378@...> > Sender: > Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2010 03:19:34 -0000> < >> Reply > Subject: ( ) In tears - dang mad>  > HELP!!! My step son is almost 16years old. His father and I have joint custody > which equates to 1 week with us and 1 week with his Mother. Every Monday when he > returns to us, we have to reprogram his personal hygiene habits. Well, finally > this evening, he admitted to us that when he is at his Mom's he does not bathe > regularly and if he does bathe, he does not use soap. He does not brush his > teeth, and 1/2 the time he wears dirty clothes. So naturally when he comes back > to us, he smells and his skin is riddled with open sores (from picked at acne). > We spend all week "reprogramming" him to take care of himself and then he goes > back to his Mom's and the cycle begins again!!! Please, I am at wits end. 3 > years is enough, and I am afraid that I may lay ultimatiums that could destroy > my husband and I.> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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