Re: How much social time?

[Guest guest]

Wayne:

There has to be a fine balance between alone time/wind down time and

socialization. Nobody is socializing 100% of the time. If she needs to wind

down

after school, then so be it. It is really about quality not quantity. If she

is not into it then she will not have meaningful relationships.

As far as asking her about her day often times we need to understand that

asking a question such as " how was your day? " is such a big overall question.

People on the spectrum have a hard time with executive function and a

question so broad as that will send her in a spiral of having to know where to

begin. You might want to narrow it down. I use feelings so that they can not

only associate the feelings but the event with the feeling. For example, did

you get mad in english class? Did you feel happy? Did you get frustrated?

This will open the conversation to talking about what made them feel this way

and how to better cope. You can expand or narrow down the questions

according to her level of understanding and function.

Connie Ajay

[Guest guest]

Most AS kids need time after school to unwind from the stress that

they put up with durning the day. My son uses the computer and tv

and it use to take him hours to get unwounded. This year it just

takes an hour. It is very hard for us to get him to socialize with

kids outside of school even on the weekends. Increase her amount of

social contact will not 100% teach her the rules of social

engagement. The rules need to be taught to her in a small caring

setting. I would look into if there are any orgazations that have

social skills groups or ask them to write it into her IEP

Hope this has helped!

Karyn

[Guest guest]

My daughter is in kindergarden too. I feel there is enough to do on

weekdays. School teaches her social rules, listening skills,

concentration on tasks, and organizational skills. When they get

home they need to unwind. My daugter's behavior is much worse at

home than at school because she cannot keep up appropriate behavior

all day. We have homework to do every night and enough family social

situations to challenge her until bedtime. On the weekends the pace

is slower and her behavior is better. We try to get together with

friends with kids or go to the park. I think only so much can be

expected at this age.

Jen

>

> Hi Folks, I'm feeling confused here.

>

> 's Kindergarten teacher had encouraged us to increase the

> amount of social contact has so she might learn the

rules of

> social contact. does now have one or two of her friends

come

> over on the weekends. She has three friends. Usually after school,

she

> is alone. Occasionally a friend has dropped by, but my wife

ponders if

> this isn't too much. That seems to need time alone to

unwind

> and that it is ok to play on the computer for a couple hours after

> school because she is more irritable if she is trying to be

sociable

> after school.

>

> I'm really conflicted here. First, I worry about computers

becoming her

> obsessive thing. At six, she dreams about intricacies in computer

> games. But on the other hand, my wife and I are both profound

> introverts and we need alone time. Is it unrealistic to have

friends

> over during the week? How would I know?

>

> I'm also struggling a bit about talking about social faux pas.

When I

> ask " What happened in gym today? " She will feel

> uncomfortable and say, " Let's not talk about it. " I want some

gentle

> way of saying, " Hey it is ok to talk about that shouting match,

that is

> how we problem solve. " So far, my attempts haven't worked. She

just

> feels embarrassed that things haven't worked out.

>

> Open to suggestions,

>

> Wayne

>

> (p.s. we have our referral in to the developmental centre for full

> assessment. Eight month waiting list. Oh well, I knew it was going

to

> be long)

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Wayne: we are new here, but my son is 5.5 and is similar to your

daughter-has his moment where he NEEDS down time or alone time.

Especially on school days. Otherwise he is not social with any of us.

He is good to go after an hour (time limit unknown to him) we can

usually engaged another activity or friends.

Sometimes after a difficult situation, I can get answers by: " I noticed

you're sad today, what happened? " or " [Teacher} mentioned that this

situation happened. I'd be upset if that happened to me, how did you

feel? " Also helps to get main pieces of situation from another adult

and have her fill in details. It took a while for him to start opening-

but persist. Praise Praise Praise for whatever he reaction-unless

safety at risk.

-Ann (Grant 5, AS & Linae 2 ???)

[Guest guest]

Because humans are such social beings, it's hard for us to accept

that the aspie needs a ton more alone time than we NTs do. Every

day at school not only are they learning academics, your aspie is

struggling to filter out sounds, lights, visual stimulation and

anything else that she may be sensitive to. In addition, she is

trying to read each movement on someones face or tone of voice to

try to 'get it right'. By the end of the day, they are exhausted.

Many kids need 'down time' during school too. This is why many will

sit by themselves during recess or at lunch. It's not that they

don't want or don't have friends, they just need a break.

I think someone else mentioned that general questions such as 'how

was your day' will never result in a specific answer. I will ask 5

or 6 specific questions before I would hit on something that my

aspie would respond to and want to talk about. It's alot of trial &

error.

I would suggest you not try to fight her 'special interest' (that's

what we call it). Use it to your advantage. Maybe she can teach a

friend how to use the computer or they can play games together.

Perhaps you can find some games that will help build social skills.

Maybe school work can focus on that too. My son has a strong

interest in Legos so when it came time for him to write a report on

someone he admires, we chose the guy who created the Lego. He

really got into that school project (got an A of course!).

Mom to Aspie , 11.

>

> Hi Folks, I'm feeling confused here.

>

> 's Kindergarten teacher had encouraged us to increase the

> amount of social contact has so she might learn the

rules of

> social contact. does now have one or two of her friends

come

> over on the weekends. She has three friends. Usually after school,

she

> is alone. Occasionally a friend has dropped by, but my wife

ponders if

> this isn't too much. That seems to need time alone to

unwind

> and that it is ok to play on the computer for a couple hours after

> school because she is more irritable if she is trying to be

sociable

> after school.

>

> I'm really conflicted here. First, I worry about computers

becoming her

> obsessive thing. At six, she dreams about intricacies in computer

> games. But on the other hand, my wife and I are both profound

> introverts and we need alone time. Is it unrealistic to have

friends

> over during the week? How would I know?

>

> I'm also struggling a bit about talking about social faux pas.

When I

> ask " What happened in gym today? " She will feel

> uncomfortable and say, " Let's not talk about it. " I want some

gentle

> way of saying, " Hey it is ok to talk about that shouting match,

that is

> how we problem solve. " So far, my attempts haven't worked. She

just

> feels embarrassed that things haven't worked out.

>

> Open to suggestions,

>

> Wayne

>

> (p.s. we have our referral in to the developmental centre for full

> assessment. Eight month waiting list. Oh well, I knew it was going

to

> be long)

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Hi Folks, I'm feeling confused here.

>

> 's Kindergarten teacher had encouraged us to increase the

> amount of social contact has so she might learn the rules of

> social contact.

It's not just being there that counts. Someone has to actually teach

her the skills if she is on the spectrum. That's the whole problem.

My son was around lots of kids as a toddler/preschooler/always, but

that doesn't mean he has the same interest or level of social skills.

Like someone else said, it's quality, not quantity.

Jackie

[Guest guest]

The K teacher is wrong that she will pick up social skills from her peers. If

that were true, signing kids up for soccer would cure AS/HFA. She should be

involved in an organized social skill group to teach social skills specifically.

My ds has this at school right now. The counselor has a topic, goes over it

with him before the group, then the group studies together (a mixed group of NT

peers and kids who need social skill help). Then the teachers take data on how

he is doing in regular class and give prompts when necessary.

How much social time is a tough question because we are all different in that

regard. I think spending hours on the computer each evening is probably a lot.

Make sure she spends time with you guys, watches a tv show, reads a book. Play

a family game once a week or something fun. Make one night shopping night and

go out. Or whatever your family might do together. Now having said that, my

boys tend to over focus on computer related stuff as well. And it's hard

getting them to " do something else. "

Asking questions is not easy either. One way to handle this is to stop asking

questions and instead, talk with her. Tell her a story from your own PE class -

something you really liked or hated. Or about a teacher you had in school. Or

an event. Tell her and then just leave it at that. You will be surprised that

this can elicit conversation sometimes better than grilling with questions.

In the past, I've had teachers write down something that happened that day at

school so I could discuss it with my ds that evening because he didn't talk

about things. So I could ask questions that would lead him to remember. Or I

could tell a story that was similar from my own experience.

Roxanna

( ) How much social time?

Hi Folks, I'm feeling confused here.

's Kindergarten teacher had encouraged us to increase the

amount of social contact has so she might learn the rules of

social contact. does now have one or two of her friends come

over on the weekends. She has three friends. Usually after school, she

is alone. Occasionally a friend has dropped by, but my wife ponders if

this isn't too much. That seems to need time alone to unwind

and that it is ok to play on the computer for a couple hours after

school because she is more irritable if she is trying to be sociable

after school.

I'm really conflicted here. First, I worry about computers becoming her

obsessive thing. At six, she dreams about intricacies in computer

games. But on the other hand, my wife and I are both profound

introverts and we need alone time. Is it unrealistic to have friends

over during the week? How would I know?

I'm also struggling a bit about talking about social faux pas. When I

ask " What happened in gym today? " She will feel

uncomfortable and say, " Let's not talk about it. " I want some gentle

way of saying, " Hey it is ok to talk about that shouting match, that is

how we problem solve. " So far, my attempts haven't worked. She just

feels embarrassed that things haven't worked out.

Open to suggestions,

Wayne

(p.s. we have our referral in to the developmental centre for full

assessment. Eight month waiting list. Oh well, I knew it was going to

be long)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Checked by AVG Free Edition.

Version: 7.1.408 / Virus Database: 268.13.11/496 - Release Date: 10/24/2006

[Guest guest]

Thanks a ton for your suggestions,

I will be less anxious about needing alone (i.e., computer)

time after school. As a family we already have family night (Fridays)

and I take out swimming or mini golfing on Sunday afternoon

as well as unstructured family events. So I shouldn't get too hung up

that she is stuck on the computer too much. I know, I know you said

don't fight the special interest. I will need a little bit of time to

make that attitude adjustment.

The best comments for resonating with me about making it safe for

to talk about her school day was to not just ask. To also

tell stories about my school experiences or to comment on her mood

(which is usually happy luckily) rather than " How was gym today? " OK

that could sound a bit like an interrogation.

The comment that if social interaction was all that was needed to

teach social skills then enrolling your child in soccer would cure

Asperger's is a good one. I think when friends are over I need to

observe what is doing more, get some idea what I should be

attempting to teach. That is easy for me because at this age the kids

are always inviting us adults to join in and play hide and seek or

tag or whatever. They want us around. My sense is in a decade we will

be too square for their attention so I better make use of it now:)

Thanks again,

Wayne.

[Guest guest]

I agree with Roxanna, start now introducing a routine that incorporates

all kinds of social venues. I wish I had insisted on this when my dd

was that age. She did get lots of interaction, but we let it go by the

wayside when she wanted to back off in the later grades and we had 2

other kids to socialize.

The 8 months till your meeting will fly by...trust me!

[]

(dd is now 15yrs old)

>

> The K teacher is wrong that she will pick up social skills from her

peers. If that were true, signing kids up for soccer would cure AS/HFA.

She should be involved in an organized social skill group to teach

social skills specifically. My ds has this at school right now. The

counselor has a topic, goes over it with him before the group, then the

group studies together (a mixed group of NT peers and kids who need

social skill help). Then the teachers take data on how he is doing in

regular class and give prompts when necessary.

>

> How much social time is a tough question because we are all different

in that regard. I think spending hours on the computer each evening is

probably a lot. Make sure she spends time with you guys, watches a tv

show, reads a book. Play a family game once a week or something fun.

Make one night shopping night and go out. Or whatever your family might

do together. Now having said that, my boys tend to over focus on

computer related stuff as well. And it's hard getting them to " do

something else. "

>

> Asking questions is not easy either. One way to handle this is to stop

asking questions and instead, talk with her. Tell her a story from your

own PE class - something you really liked or hated. Or about a teacher

you had in school. Or an event. Tell her and then just leave it at that.

You will be surprised that this can elicit conversation sometimes better

than grilling with questions.

>

> In the past, I've had teachers write down something that happened that

day at school so I could discuss it with my ds that evening because he

didn't talk about things. So I could ask questions that would lead him

to remember. Or I could tell a story that was similar from my own

experience.

>

>

> Roxanna

> ( ) How much social time?

>

>

> Hi Folks, I'm feeling confused here.

>

> 's Kindergarten teacher had encouraged us to increase the

> amount of social contact has so she might learn the rules of

> social contact. does now have one or two of her friends come

> over on the weekends. She has three friends. Usually after school, she

> is alone. Occasionally a friend has dropped by, but my wife ponders if

> this isn't too much. That seems to need time alone to unwind

> and that it is ok to play on the computer for a couple hours after

> school because she is more irritable if she is trying to be sociable

> after school.

>

> I'm really conflicted here. First, I worry about computers becoming

her

> obsessive thing. At six, she dreams about intricacies in computer

> games. But on the other hand, my wife and I are both profound

> introverts and we need alone time. Is it unrealistic to have friends

> over during the week? How would I know?

>

> I'm also struggling a bit about talking about social faux pas. When I

> ask " What happened in gym today? " She will feel

> uncomfortable and say, " Let's not talk about it. " I want some gentle

> way of saying, " Hey it is ok to talk about that shouting match, that

is

> how we problem solve. " So far, my attempts haven't worked. She just

> feels embarrassed that things haven't worked out.

>

> Open to suggestions,

>

> Wayne

>

> (p.s. we have our referral in to the developmental centre for full

> assessment. Eight month waiting list. Oh well, I knew it was going to

> be long)

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

------------------------------------------------------------------------\

------

>

>

> No virus found in this incoming message.

> Checked by AVG Free Edition.

> Version: 7.1.408 / Virus Database: 268.13.11/496 - Release Date:

10/24/2006

>

>

>