Guest guest Posted June 23, 2006 Report Share Posted June 23, 2006 what is about BP teen-agers that they don't want to work? my sdtr had a job at fast food restaurant (one of the better ones) and got fired, although she says it doesn't count as a firing b/c she was going to look for another job anyway. then she got a job at a little coffee house about 2 weeks later and only kept that job for about 3 weeks b/c they got her number VERY quickly. she hasn't had a job since. her dad (my H) has taken her to about 12 places in the last month to put in appications but she will not call or follow up. she lives with her mom (thank god; although mom is also BP) and SHE is always wanting to know what my H is going to do make the dtr get a job. her savings is almost completely gone and we don't give her money out of it (very rarely -- and we control it) but she ALWAYS has money. i guess her mom doesn't see that dtr is robbing her blind. if her dad brings up the subject of a job, she just goes off -- " all anyone talks to me about is getting a job; no one cares about me. " i don't fall for it but you just get tired of hearing that crap. kelley Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: Hi Toni, Please confess away. I for one am sitting her nodding. I used to storm in on my husband and scream, " I want her out NOW! " Isn't yours still in high school? Just talking off the top of my pea-brained head, I'd say don't try to get her to do anything that doesn't have anything to do with your personal convenience. Getting a job is something she needs to get money. As far as she can tell, it has nothing to do with you unless you offer rewards for her filling out applications. Cut the allowance and just sit back. Make sure no one gives her little donations here and there. NOW! Tying up the phone all day is definitely about your convenience. You have to pay for it, and is she tying it up for the rest of the family? That is the sort of thing you can say something about. If she has her own phone, is she supposed to be paying for it? Are she and the bf hogging the living room or eating you out of house and home? Is she breaking rules about curfew? Those are the sort of thing you can weigh in on. I would say that you have definitely got her number because you know that when the bf goes, so will the peace in your home, and that is good--no surprises! Is she the one with an appt on July 31? Is she willing to go? It boggles the mind that drs won't make room for emergencies. Toni, you've always done what you can, and you deserve some peace. Once you see a psychiatrist or a psychologist or take one of those boundary courses someone mentioned, you'll understand how important it is to get help for yourself. They can help you sort things out, and it's amazing what a little sorting can do. I spent about 18 years in the sort of fog you are describing. The bright spots were highlighted by help from professionals and the periods when she seemed to be in control of herself. Right now she is " fairly " in control AND we're getting professional help. Even better! Weren't you one of the one's who mentioned lots of church involvement? The times when I've gotten help from professionals, I feel like God has peeked through the clouds to give me a grin. I think to myself, that this is the way God intended me to be and that's why he led me to someone who could give me a hand. This is the way I can be of the most use to myself and to others! He's telling me that I'm human, too, and not capable of doing absolutely everything on my own. Big hugs, Deborah --- Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote: > OK, I have to confess. As much as it seems my bpdd > isn't acting bp at the moment because she has a bf > in her life that made it through her pms; I still > cannot wait until I can live my life on my own with > my dh. Selfish, maybe. But when I know that > unstability is one break-up away and the roller > coaster ride will begin again, I just want her gone. > > No amount of cajoling or removal of her allowance > has spurred her to go out and get a job. She just > sits all day on the phone and plays video games. > > I know the bf cannot last long because he is more > messed up than she is. He may even be a lower > functioning bp than she is. She's pretty high > functioning. Enough to send me to a psychiatrist to > try to wade through the fog in my life. Is it me? Or > is it her? Can't see the doc until 7/31. > AAARRRGGGHHHH!!! > > I'll have to find a psycologist soon too. I seem > to be an anxious, and sometimes paranoid mess and I > really need to know if it's me or if it's a result > of trying to raise a bp kid. > > The poem brings up some longings for me that I > really feel guilty for having. I guess I need to > find the source of my disturbances before I can > allow myself to relax about it. > > OK, wandering thoughts done for now. > > Blessings to you guys. You are my outlet. > Toni > > bauknight bauknight@...> wrote: > Funny you sent this. It is posted on my fridge and > I was just thinking of > sending it to you all. > > One thing i hear over and over is that they don't > usually get better until > we stop rescueing. It is hard because when they are > little we are doing > everything we can to find the cure, get an answer, > try this, try that. At > some point in time you give them your love and you > go on and have your life, > and you allow them to have theirs (I am mean not > under the same roof.) > > About a year ago I realized my daughter and I had a > dynamic of her falling > apart and me rescueing. It makes them worse. > > Thought u would like this > poem > > > > Its by Oliver. > http://www.poetryco > nnection.net/poets/_Oliver > - > > << > The Journey > > One day you finally knew > what you had to do, and began, > though the voices around you > kept shouting > their bad advice-- > though the whole house > began to tremble > and you felt the old tug > at your ankles. > " Mend my life! " > each voice cried. > But you didn't stop. > You knew what you had to do, > though the wind pried > with its stiff fingers > at the very foundations-- > though their melancholy > was terrible. > It was already late > enough, and a wild night, > and the road full of fallen > branches and stones. > But little by little, > as you left their voices behind, > the stars began to burn > through the sheets of clouds, > and there was a new voice, > which you slowly > recognized as your own, > that kept you company > as you strode deeper and deeper > into the world, > determined to do > the only thing you could do-- > determined to save > the only life you could save. > > > > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for > help, @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT > CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND ONLINE. > > Essential reading to help you feel better and > understand the BP in your life are: > > • SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells”) and the SWOE > Workbook (for everyone) > • HOPE FOR PARENTS > > Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your > copies. > > From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO > Online Community > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 23, 2006 Report Share Posted June 23, 2006 OMG! Are you sure you haven't been dealing with my bpdd? She got a job and quit because it was 20 miles away and dh and I were not going to drive her every time she worked. Then she got a job at a music store and lasted 3 days and got fired for her misunderstanding directions and having too much fun with the general manager and one of the guys there. I took her to apply to 9 places at the local mall, she applied at Target, a couple of other places--no one has contacted her and she will not check up on her app status. She gets upset with us too when we bring it up. She has no other source of money as we have cut her off from spending money. She has shoplifted before, so maybe she won't feel the pinch, until she gets busted. We just have to wait her out on this one. Toni KD Land iaamfno@...> wrote: what is about BP teen-agers that they don't want to work? my sdtr had a job at fast food restaurant (one of the better ones) and got fired, although she says it doesn't count as a firing b/c she was going to look for another job anyway. then she got a job at a little coffee house about 2 weeks later and only kept that job for about 3 weeks b/c they got her number VERY quickly. she hasn't had a job since. her dad (my H) has taken her to about 12 places in the last month to put in appications but she will not call or follow up. she lives with her mom (thank god; although mom is also BP) and SHE is always wanting to know what my H is going to do make the dtr get a job. her savings is almost completely gone and we don't give her money out of it (very rarely -- and we control it) but she ALWAYS has money. i guess her mom doesn't see that dtr is robbing her blind. if her dad brings up the subject of a job, she just goes off -- " all anyone talks to me about is getting a job; no one cares about me. " i don't fall for it but you just get tired of hearing that crap. kelley Deborah wrote: Hi Toni, Please confess away. I for one am sitting her nodding. I used to storm in on my husband and scream, " I want her out NOW! " Isn't yours still in high school? Just talking off the top of my pea-brained head, I'd say don't try to get her to do anything that doesn't have anything to do with your personal convenience. Getting a job is something she needs to get money. As far as she can tell, it has nothing to do with you unless you offer rewards for her filling out applications. Cut the allowance and just sit back. Make sure no one gives her little donations here and there. NOW! Tying up the phone all day is definitely about your convenience. You have to pay for it, and is she tying it up for the rest of the family? That is the sort of thing you can say something about. If she has her own phone, is she supposed to be paying for it? Are she and the bf hogging the living room or eating you out of house and home? Is she breaking rules about curfew? Those are the sort of thing you can weigh in on. I would say that you have definitely got her number because you know that when the bf goes, so will the peace in your home, and that is good--no surprises! Is she the one with an appt on July 31? Is she willing to go? It boggles the mind that drs won't make room for emergencies. Toni, you've always done what you can, and you deserve some peace. Once you see a psychiatrist or a psychologist or take one of those boundary courses someone mentioned, you'll understand how important it is to get help for yourself. They can help you sort things out, and it's amazing what a little sorting can do. I spent about 18 years in the sort of fog you are describing. The bright spots were highlighted by help from professionals and the periods when she seemed to be in control of herself. Right now she is " fairly " in control AND we're getting professional help. Even better! Weren't you one of the one's who mentioned lots of church involvement? The times when I've gotten help from professionals, I feel like God has peeked through the clouds to give me a grin. I think to myself, that this is the way God intended me to be and that's why he led me to someone who could give me a hand. This is the way I can be of the most use to myself and to others! He's telling me that I'm human, too, and not capable of doing absolutely everything on my own. Big hugs, Deborah --- Toni P wrote: > OK, I have to confess. As much as it seems my bpdd > isn't acting bp at the moment because she has a bf > in her life that made it through her pms; I still > cannot wait until I can live my life on my own with > my dh. Selfish, maybe. But when I know that > unstability is one break-up away and the roller > coaster ride will begin again, I just want her gone. > > No amount of cajoling or removal of her allowance > has spurred her to go out and get a job. She just > sits all day on the phone and plays video games. > > I know the bf cannot last long because he is more > messed up than she is. He may even be a lower > functioning bp than she is. She's pretty high > functioning. Enough to send me to a psychiatrist to > try to wade through the fog in my life. Is it me? Or > is it her? Can't see the doc until 7/31. > AAARRRGGGHHHH!!! > > I'll have to find a psycologist soon too. I seem > to be an anxious, and sometimes paranoid mess and I > really need to know if it's me or if it's a result > of trying to raise a bp kid. > > The poem brings up some longings for me that I > really feel guilty for having. I guess I need to > find the source of my disturbances before I can > allow myself to relax about it. > > OK, wandering thoughts done for now. > > Blessings to you guys. You are my outlet. > Toni > > bauknight wrote: > Funny you sent this. It is posted on my fridge and > I was just thinking of > sending it to you all. > > One thing i hear over and over is that they don't > usually get better until > we stop rescueing. It is hard because when they are > little we are doing > everything we can to find the cure, get an answer, > try this, try that. At > some point in time you give them your love and you > go on and have your life, > and you allow them to have theirs (I am mean not > under the same roof.) > > About a year ago I realized my daughter and I had a > dynamic of her falling > apart and me rescueing. It makes them worse. > > Thought u would like this > poem > > > > Its by Oliver. > http://www.poetryco > nnection.net/poets/_Oliver > - > > << > The Journey > > One day you finally knew > what you had to do, and began, > though the voices around you > kept shouting > their bad advice-- > though the whole house > began to tremble > and you felt the old tug > at your ankles. > " Mend my life! " > each voice cried. > But you didn't stop. > You knew what you had to do, > though the wind pried > with its stiff fingers > at the very foundations-- > though their melancholy > was terrible. > It was already late > enough, and a wild night, > and the road full of fallen > branches and stones. > But little by little, > as you left their voices behind, > the stars began to burn > through the sheets of clouds, > and there was a new voice, > which you slowly > recognized as your own, > that kept you company > as you strode deeper and deeper > into the world, > determined to do > the only thing you could do-- > determined to save > the only life you could save. > > > > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for > help, @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT > CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND ONLINE. > > Essential reading to help you feel better and > understand the BP in your life are: > > • SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells”) and the SWOE > Workbook (for everyone) > • HOPE FOR PARENTS > > Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your > copies. > > From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO > Online Community > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 23, 2006 Report Share Posted June 23, 2006 i guess her mother brought up the job situation this morning b/c they got in a huge fight and sdtr called MY dtr to talk. but prior to that, she called the house and left two messages on the answering machine: the first msg was that she loved us very much (while crying somewhat hysterically) and that she had done something " very bad " and she was " going away " and that she was very, very sorry. so i'm not sure if her mom is laying dead or hurt at their apartment. then the second msg, coming in about 4 minutes late, was that she was sorry about the first message and she was okay. JEEZ. i personally not getting involved b/c up to about the last 6 months, i am the only one who has done anything for her. i got all the information about DBT and even made the appointment but left it up to H to take her, etc. she lives with mom so this is an almost impossible situation, since H and ex DO NOT have a civil relationship. we've explained DBT to mom but she's not following up. and to be honest, sdtr, while she knows about her BP dx, has not been interested in seeking treatment either. she's also not taking her meds on a consistent basis. but what're you gonna do . . . she'll be 18 in october. kelley kelley c. Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote: OMG! Are you sure you haven't been dealing with my bpdd? She got a job and quit because it was 20 miles away and dh and I were not going to drive her every time she worked. Then she got a job at a music store and lasted 3 days and got fired for her misunderstanding directions and having too much fun with the general manager and one of the guys there. I took her to apply to 9 places at the local mall, she applied at Target, a couple of other places--no one has contacted her and she will not check up on her app status. She gets upset with us too when we bring it up. She has no other source of money as we have cut her off from spending money. She has shoplifted before, so maybe she won't feel the pinch, until she gets busted. We just have to wait her out on this one. Toni KD Land iaamfno@...> wrote: what is about BP teen-agers that they don't want to work? my sdtr had a job at fast food restaurant (one of the better ones) and got fired, although she says it doesn't count as a firing b/c she was going to look for another job anyway. then she got a job at a little coffee house about 2 weeks later and only kept that job for about 3 weeks b/c they got her number VERY quickly. she hasn't had a job since. her dad (my H) has taken her to about 12 places in the last month to put in appications but she will not call or follow up. she lives with her mom (thank god; although mom is also BP) and SHE is always wanting to know what my H is going to do make the dtr get a job. her savings is almost completely gone and we don't give her money out of it (very rarely -- and we control it) but she ALWAYS has money. i guess her mom doesn't see that dtr is robbing her blind. if her dad brings up the subject of a job, she just goes off -- " all anyone talks to me about is getting a job; no one cares about me. " i don't fall for it but you just get tired of hearing that crap. kelley Deborah wrote: Hi Toni, Please confess away. I for one am sitting her nodding. I used to storm in on my husband and scream, " I want her out NOW! " Isn't yours still in high school? Just talking off the top of my pea-brained head, I'd say don't try to get her to do anything that doesn't have anything to do with your personal convenience. Getting a job is something she needs to get money. As far as she can tell, it has nothing to do with you unless you offer rewards for her filling out applications. Cut the allowance and just sit back. Make sure no one gives her little donations here and there. NOW! Tying up the phone all day is definitely about your convenience. You have to pay for it, and is she tying it up for the rest of the family? That is the sort of thing you can say something about. If she has her own phone, is she supposed to be paying for it? Are she and the bf hogging the living room or eating you out of house and home? Is she breaking rules about curfew? Those are the sort of thing you can weigh in on. I would say that you have definitely got her number because you know that when the bf goes, so will the peace in your home, and that is good--no surprises! Is she the one with an appt on July 31? Is she willing to go? It boggles the mind that drs won't make room for emergencies. Toni, you've always done what you can, and you deserve some peace. Once you see a psychiatrist or a psychologist or take one of those boundary courses someone mentioned, you'll understand how important it is to get help for yourself. They can help you sort things out, and it's amazing what a little sorting can do. I spent about 18 years in the sort of fog you are describing. The bright spots were highlighted by help from professionals and the periods when she seemed to be in control of herself. Right now she is " fairly " in control AND we're getting professional help. Even better! Weren't you one of the one's who mentioned lots of church involvement? The times when I've gotten help from professionals, I feel like God has peeked through the clouds to give me a grin. I think to myself, that this is the way God intended me to be and that's why he led me to someone who could give me a hand. This is the way I can be of the most use to myself and to others! He's telling me that I'm human, too, and not capable of doing absolutely everything on my own. Big hugs, Deborah --- Toni P wrote: > OK, I have to confess. As much as it seems my bpdd > isn't acting bp at the moment because she has a bf > in her life that made it through her pms; I still > cannot wait until I can live my life on my own with > my dh. Selfish, maybe. But when I know that > unstability is one break-up away and the roller > coaster ride will begin again, I just want her gone. > > No amount of cajoling or removal of her allowance > has spurred her to go out and get a job. She just > sits all day on the phone and plays video games. > > I know the bf cannot last long because he is more > messed up than she is. He may even be a lower > functioning bp than she is. She's pretty high > functioning. Enough to send me to a psychiatrist to > try to wade through the fog in my life. Is it me? Or > is it her? Can't see the doc until 7/31. > AAARRRGGGHHHH!!! > > I'll have to find a psycologist soon too. I seem > to be an anxious, and sometimes paranoid mess and I > really need to know if it's me or if it's a result > of trying to raise a bp kid. > > The poem brings up some longings for me that I > really feel guilty for having. I guess I need to > find the source of my disturbances before I can > allow myself to relax about it. > > OK, wandering thoughts done for now. > > Blessings to you guys. You are my outlet. > Toni > > bauknight wrote: > Funny you sent this. It is posted on my fridge and > I was just thinking of > sending it to you all. > > One thing i hear over and over is that they don't > usually get better until > we stop rescueing. It is hard because when they are > little we are doing > everything we can to find the cure, get an answer, > try this, try that. At > some point in time you give them your love and you > go on and have your life, > and you allow them to have theirs (I am mean not > under the same roof.) > > About a year ago I realized my daughter and I had a > dynamic of her falling > apart and me rescueing. It makes them worse. > > Thought u would like this > poem > > > > Its by Oliver. > http://www.poetryco > nnection.net/poets/_Oliver > - > > << > The Journey > > One day you finally knew > what you had to do, and began, > though the voices around you > kept shouting > their bad advice-- > though the whole house > began to tremble > and you felt the old tug > at your ankles. > " Mend my life! " > each voice cried. > But you didn't stop. > You knew what you had to do, > though the wind pried > with its stiff fingers > at the very foundations-- > though their melancholy > was terrible. > It was already late > enough, and a wild night, > and the road full of fallen > branches and stones. > But little by little, > as you left their voices behind, > the stars began to burn > through the sheets of clouds, > and there was a new voice, > which you slowly > recognized as your own, > that kept you company > as you strode deeper and deeper > into the world, > determined to do > the only thing you could do-- > determined to save > the only life you could save. > > > > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for > help, @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT > CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND ONLINE. > > Essential reading to help you feel better and > understand the BP in your life are: > > • SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells”) and the SWOE > Workbook (for everyone) > • HOPE FOR PARENTS > > Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your > copies. > > From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO > Online Community > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 23, 2006 Report Share Posted June 23, 2006 the fight wasn't just about the job; BP mom FINALLY figured out that sdtr's been stealing from her. sdtr took her debit card and has been getting money out of the atm machine at a rate of $20/40 a pop. mom is not the greatest bookkeeper and i can't believe she's just not seeing it. she usually lives hand-to-mouth. i wonder if this made her be overdrawn. just another argument in my column that she cannot be in our house alone. when she comes for her week-end visits with her dad, she is NEVER alone in our house. it was that way for the last four months that she lived with us also. kelley KD Land iaamfno@...> wrote: i guess her mother brought up the job situation this morning b/c they got in a huge fight and sdtr called MY dtr to talk. but prior to that, she called the house and left two messages on the answering machine: the first msg was that she loved us very much (while crying somewhat hysterically) and that she had done something " very bad " and she was " going away " and that she was very, very sorry. so i'm not sure if her mom is laying dead or hurt at their apartment. then the second msg, coming in about 4 minutes late, was that she was sorry about the first message and she was okay. JEEZ. i personally not getting involved b/c up to about the last 6 months, i am the only one who has done anything for her. i got all the information about DBT and even made the appointment but left it up to H to take her, etc. she lives with mom so this is an almost impossible situation, since H and ex DO NOT have a civil relationship. we've explained DBT to mom but she's not following up. and to be honest, sdtr, while she knows about her BP dx, has not been interested in seeking treatment either. she's also not taking her meds on a consistent basis. but what're you gonna do . . . she'll be 18 in october. kelley kelley c. Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote: OMG! Are you sure you haven't been dealing with my bpdd? She got a job and quit because it was 20 miles away and dh and I were not going to drive her every time she worked. Then she got a job at a music store and lasted 3 days and got fired for her misunderstanding directions and having too much fun with the general manager and one of the guys there. I took her to apply to 9 places at the local mall, she applied at Target, a couple of other places--no one has contacted her and she will not check up on her app status. She gets upset with us too when we bring it up. She has no other source of money as we have cut her off from spending money. She has shoplifted before, so maybe she won't feel the pinch, until she gets busted. We just have to wait her out on this one. Toni KD Land iaamfno@...> wrote: what is about BP teen-agers that they don't want to work? my sdtr had a job at fast food restaurant (one of the better ones) and got fired, although she says it doesn't count as a firing b/c she was going to look for another job anyway. then she got a job at a little coffee house about 2 weeks later and only kept that job for about 3 weeks b/c they got her number VERY quickly. she hasn't had a job since. her dad (my H) has taken her to about 12 places in the last month to put in appications but she will not call or follow up. she lives with her mom (thank god; although mom is also BP) and SHE is always wanting to know what my H is going to do make the dtr get a job. her savings is almost completely gone and we don't give her money out of it (very rarely -- and we control it) but she ALWAYS has money. i guess her mom doesn't see that dtr is robbing her blind. if her dad brings up the subject of a job, she just goes off -- " all anyone talks to me about is getting a job; no one cares about me. " i don't fall for it but you just get tired of hearing that crap. kelley Deborah wrote: Hi Toni, Please confess away. I for one am sitting her nodding. I used to storm in on my husband and scream, " I want her out NOW! " Isn't yours still in high school? Just talking off the top of my pea-brained head, I'd say don't try to get her to do anything that doesn't have anything to do with your personal convenience. Getting a job is something she needs to get money. As far as she can tell, it has nothing to do with you unless you offer rewards for her filling out applications. Cut the allowance and just sit back. Make sure no one gives her little donations here and there. NOW! Tying up the phone all day is definitely about your convenience. You have to pay for it, and is she tying it up for the rest of the family? That is the sort of thing you can say something about. If she has her own phone, is she supposed to be paying for it? Are she and the bf hogging the living room or eating you out of house and home? Is she breaking rules about curfew? Those are the sort of thing you can weigh in on. I would say that you have definitely got her number because you know that when the bf goes, so will the peace in your home, and that is good--no surprises! Is she the one with an appt on July 31? Is she willing to go? It boggles the mind that drs won't make room for emergencies. Toni, you've always done what you can, and you deserve some peace. Once you see a psychiatrist or a psychologist or take one of those boundary courses someone mentioned, you'll understand how important it is to get help for yourself. They can help you sort things out, and it's amazing what a little sorting can do. I spent about 18 years in the sort of fog you are describing. The bright spots were highlighted by help from professionals and the periods when she seemed to be in control of herself. Right now she is " fairly " in control AND we're getting professional help. Even better! Weren't you one of the one's who mentioned lots of church involvement? The times when I've gotten help from professionals, I feel like God has peeked through the clouds to give me a grin. I think to myself, that this is the way God intended me to be and that's why he led me to someone who could give me a hand. This is the way I can be of the most use to myself and to others! He's telling me that I'm human, too, and not capable of doing absolutely everything on my own. Big hugs, Deborah --- Toni P wrote: > OK, I have to confess. As much as it seems my bpdd > isn't acting bp at the moment because she has a bf > in her life that made it through her pms; I still > cannot wait until I can live my life on my own with > my dh. Selfish, maybe. But when I know that > unstability is one break-up away and the roller > coaster ride will begin again, I just want her gone. > > No amount of cajoling or removal of her allowance > has spurred her to go out and get a job. She just > sits all day on the phone and plays video games. > > I know the bf cannot last long because he is more > messed up than she is. He may even be a lower > functioning bp than she is. She's pretty high > functioning. Enough to send me to a psychiatrist to > try to wade through the fog in my life. Is it me? Or > is it her? Can't see the doc until 7/31. > AAARRRGGGHHHH!!! > > I'll have to find a psycologist soon too. I seem > to be an anxious, and sometimes paranoid mess and I > really need to know if it's me or if it's a result > of trying to raise a bp kid. > > The poem brings up some longings for me that I > really feel guilty for having. I guess I need to > find the source of my disturbances before I can > allow myself to relax about it. > > OK, wandering thoughts done for now. > > Blessings to you guys. You are my outlet. > Toni > > bauknight wrote: > Funny you sent this. It is posted on my fridge and > I was just thinking of > sending it to you all. > > One thing i hear over and over is that they don't > usually get better until > we stop rescueing. It is hard because when they are > little we are doing > everything we can to find the cure, get an answer, > try this, try that. At > some point in time you give them your love and you > go on and have your life, > and you allow them to have theirs (I am mean not > under the same roof.) > > About a year ago I realized my daughter and I had a > dynamic of her falling > apart and me rescueing. It makes them worse. > > Thought u would like this > poem > > > > Its by Oliver. > http://www.poetryco > nnection.net/poets/_Oliver > - > > << > The Journey > > One day you finally knew > what you had to do, and began, > though the voices around you > kept shouting > their bad advice-- > though the whole house > began to tremble > and you felt the old tug > at your ankles. > " Mend my life! " > each voice cried. > But you didn't stop. > You knew what you had to do, > though the wind pried > with its stiff fingers > at the very foundations-- > though their melancholy > was terrible. > It was already late > enough, and a wild night, > and the road full of fallen > branches and stones. > But little by little, > as you left their voices behind, > the stars began to burn > through the sheets of clouds, > and there was a new voice, > which you slowly > recognized as your own, > that kept you company > as you strode deeper and deeper > into the world, > determined to do > the only thing you could do-- > determined to save > the only life you could save. > > > > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for > help, @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT > CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND ONLINE. > > Essential reading to help you feel better and > understand the BP in your life are: > > • SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells”) and the SWOE > Workbook (for everyone) > • HOPE FOR PARENTS > > Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your > copies. > > From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO > Online Community > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 23, 2006 Report Share Posted June 23, 2006 My daughter unconsiously didn't realize she had it made in the shade until I stopped giving her money. I handed her very little this past year. That became a major wake up call to her. She also saw the last tax return that my husband and I did together and how much we brought into the household together. She knows what I make now. She said she couldn't believe the difference. I let her know I kept trying to tell her. Again it was her seeing it in black and white that made the difference, just like giving her a contract. Since that time, she stopped bugging me. Of course she didn't go out and get a job, that is a self esteem issue that she is trying to overcome now. Now that she has moved out she has no choice but to find a job. She is money conscious now! I'd let her run out of the money!!!! KD Land iaamfno@...> wrote: what is about BP teen-agers that they don't want to work? my sdtr had a job at fast food restaurant (one of the better ones) and got fired, although she says it doesn't count as a firing b/c she was going to look for another job anyway. then she got a job at a little coffee house about 2 weeks later and only kept that job for about 3 weeks b/c they got her number VERY quickly. she hasn't had a job since. her dad (my H) has taken her to about 12 places in the last month to put in appications but she will not call or follow up. she lives with her mom (thank god; although mom is also BP) and SHE is always wanting to know what my H is going to do make the dtr get a job. her savings is almost completely gone and we don't give her money out of it (very rarely -- and we control it) but she ALWAYS has money. i guess her mom doesn't see that dtr is robbing her blind. if her dad brings up the subject of a job, she just goes off -- " all anyone talks to me about is getting a job; no one cares about me. " i don't fall for it but you just get tired of hearing that crap. kelley Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: Hi Toni, Please confess away. I for one am sitting her nodding. I used to storm in on my husband and scream, " I want her out NOW! " Isn't yours still in high school? Just talking off the top of my pea-brained head, I'd say don't try to get her to do anything that doesn't have anything to do with your personal convenience. Getting a job is something she needs to get money. As far as she can tell, it has nothing to do with you unless you offer rewards for her filling out applications. Cut the allowance and just sit back. Make sure no one gives her little donations here and there. NOW! Tying up the phone all day is definitely about your convenience. You have to pay for it, and is she tying it up for the rest of the family? That is the sort of thing you can say something about. If she has her own phone, is she supposed to be paying for it? Are she and the bf hogging the living room or eating you out of house and home? Is she breaking rules about curfew? Those are the sort of thing you can weigh in on. I would say that you have definitely got her number because you know that when the bf goes, so will the peace in your home, and that is good--no surprises! Is she the one with an appt on July 31? Is she willing to go? It boggles the mind that drs won't make room for emergencies. Toni, you've always done what you can, and you deserve some peace. Once you see a psychiatrist or a psychologist or take one of those boundary courses someone mentioned, you'll understand how important it is to get help for yourself. They can help you sort things out, and it's amazing what a little sorting can do. I spent about 18 years in the sort of fog you are describing. The bright spots were highlighted by help from professionals and the periods when she seemed to be in control of herself. Right now she is " fairly " in control AND we're getting professional help. Even better! Weren't you one of the one's who mentioned lots of church involvement? The times when I've gotten help from professionals, I feel like God has peeked through the clouds to give me a grin. I think to myself, that this is the way God intended me to be and that's why he led me to someone who could give me a hand. This is the way I can be of the most use to myself and to others! He's telling me that I'm human, too, and not capable of doing absolutely everything on my own. Big hugs, Deborah --- Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote: > OK, I have to confess. As much as it seems my bpdd > isn't acting bp at the moment because she has a bf > in her life that made it through her pms; I still > cannot wait until I can live my life on my own with > my dh. Selfish, maybe. But when I know that > unstability is one break-up away and the roller > coaster ride will begin again, I just want her gone. > > No amount of cajoling or removal of her allowance > has spurred her to go out and get a job. She just > sits all day on the phone and plays video games. > > I know the bf cannot last long because he is more > messed up than she is. He may even be a lower > functioning bp than she is. She's pretty high > functioning. Enough to send me to a psychiatrist to > try to wade through the fog in my life. Is it me? Or > is it her? Can't see the doc until 7/31. > AAARRRGGGHHHH!!! > > I'll have to find a psycologist soon too. I seem > to be an anxious, and sometimes paranoid mess and I > really need to know if it's me or if it's a result > of trying to raise a bp kid. > > The poem brings up some longings for me that I > really feel guilty for having. I guess I need to > find the source of my disturbances before I can > allow myself to relax about it. > > OK, wandering thoughts done for now. > > Blessings to you guys. You are my outlet. > Toni > > bauknight bauknight@...> wrote: > Funny you sent this. It is posted on my fridge and > I was just thinking of > sending it to you all. > > One thing i hear over and over is that they don't > usually get better until > we stop rescueing. It is hard because when they are > little we are doing > everything we can to find the cure, get an answer, > try this, try that. At > some point in time you give them your love and you > go on and have your life, > and you allow them to have theirs (I am mean not > under the same roof.) > > About a year ago I realized my daughter and I had a > dynamic of her falling > apart and me rescueing. It makes them worse. > > Thought u would like this > poem > > > > Its by Oliver. > http://www.poetryco > nnection.net/poets/_Oliver > - > > << > The Journey > > One day you finally knew > what you had to do, and began, > though the voices around you > kept shouting > their bad advice-- > though the whole house > began to tremble > and you felt the old tug > at your ankles. > " Mend my life! " > each voice cried. > But you didn't stop. > You knew what you had to do, > though the wind pried > with its stiff fingers > at the very foundations-- > though their melancholy > was terrible. > It was already late > enough, and a wild night, > and the road full of fallen > branches and stones. > But little by little, > as you left their voices behind, > the stars began to burn > through the sheets of clouds, > and there was a new voice, > which you slowly > recognized as your own, > that kept you company > as you strode deeper and deeper > into the world, > determined to do > the only thing you could do-- > determined to save > the only life you could save. > > > > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for > help, @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT > CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND ONLINE. > > Essential reading to help you feel better and > understand the BP in your life are: > > • SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells”) and the SWOE > Workbook (for everyone) > • HOPE FOR PARENTS > > Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your > copies. > > From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO > Online Community > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 23, 2006 Report Share Posted June 23, 2006 > but she ALWAYS has > money. i guess her mom doesn't see that dtr is > robbing her blind. > if her dad brings up the subject of a job, she > just goes off -- " all anyone talks to me about is > getting a job; no one cares about me. " i don't fall > for it but you just get tired of hearing that crap. Why should she get a job when she gets money anyway? Ours always managed to live with what we sent her as a college student. We stopped giving her anything after she moved home. She finally decided to take a job she was actually offered when the dr told me not to " hire " her to work for me unless the work she did added to the profitability of my business. As soon as she heard that (and got her next cell phone bill) she made her first moves towards getting some work. It's still pretty iffy, but it's definitely a start. Deborah __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 23, 2006 Report Share Posted June 23, 2006 Hi , Glad to get the report on your daughter. By the way, our therapist told us that parents do not tell their children when they are having money problems, and that it makes a big difference when the kids know the financial limitations. Deborah --- Jamal Jilao somalitamale@...> wrote: > My daughter unconsiously didn't realize she had it > made in the shade until I stopped giving her money. > I handed her very little this past year. That > became a major wake up call to her. She also saw > the last tax return that my husband and I did > together and how much we brought into the household > together. She knows what I make now. She said she > couldn't believe the difference. I let her know I > kept trying to tell her. Again it was her seeing > it in black and white that made the difference, just > like giving her a contract. Since that time, she > stopped bugging me. Of course she didn't go out > and get a job, that is a self esteem issue that she > is trying to overcome now. Now that she has moved > out she has no choice but to find a job. She is > money conscious now! > I'd let her run out of the money!!!! > > > > KD Land iaamfno@...> wrote: > what is about BP > teen-agers that they don't want to work? my sdtr had > a job at fast food restaurant (one of the better > ones) and got fired, although she says it doesn't > count as a firing b/c she was going to look for > another job anyway. then she got a job at a > little coffee house about 2 weeks later and only > kept that job for about 3 weeks b/c they got her > number VERY quickly. she hasn't had a job since. her > dad (my H) has taken her to about 12 places in the > last month to put in appications but she will not > call or follow up. she lives with her mom (thank > god; although mom is also BP) and SHE is always > wanting to know what my H is going to do make the > dtr get a job. her savings is almost completely > gone and we don't give her money out of it (very > rarely -- and we control it) but she ALWAYS has > money. i guess her mom doesn't see that dtr is > robbing her blind. > > if her dad brings up the subject of a job, she > just goes off -- " all anyone talks to me about is > getting a job; no one cares about me. " i don't fall > for it but you just get tired of hearing that crap. > > > kelley > > Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: > Hi Toni, > > Please confess away. I for one am sitting her > nodding. I used to storm in on my husband and > scream, > " I want her out NOW! " > > Isn't yours still in high school? Just talking off > the top of my pea-brained head, I'd say don't try > to > get her to do anything that doesn't have anything > to > do with your personal convenience. Getting a job > is > something she needs to get money. As far as she > can > tell, it has nothing to do with you unless you > offer > rewards for her filling out applications. Cut the > allowance and just sit back. Make sure no one > gives > her little donations here and there. > > NOW! Tying up the phone all day is definitely > about > your convenience. You have to pay for it, and is > she > tying it up for the rest of the family? That is > the > sort of thing you can say something about. If she > has > her own phone, is she supposed to be paying for > it? > > Are she and the bf hogging the living room or > eating > you out of house and home? Is she breaking rules > about curfew? Those are the sort of thing you can > weigh in on. > > I would say that you have definitely got her > number > because you know that when the bf goes, so will > the > peace in your home, and that is good--no > surprises! > Is she the one with an appt on July 31? Is she > willing to go? It boggles the mind that drs won't > make room for emergencies. > > Toni, you've always done what you can, and you > deserve > some peace. Once you see a psychiatrist or a > psychologist or take one of those boundary courses > someone mentioned, you'll understand how important > it > is to get help for yourself. They can help you > sort > things out, and it's amazing what a little sorting > can > do. I spent about 18 years in the sort of fog you > are > describing. The bright spots were highlighted by > help > from professionals and the periods when she seemed > to > be in control of herself. Right now she is > " fairly " > in control AND we're getting professional help. > Even > better! > > Weren't you one of the one's who mentioned lots of > church involvement? The times when I've gotten > help > from professionals, I feel like God has peeked > through > the clouds to give me a grin. I think to myself, > that > this is the way God intended me to be and that's > why > he led me to someone who could give me a hand. > This is > the way I can be of the most use to myself and to > others! He's telling me that I'm human, too, and > not > capable of doing absolutely everything on my own. > Big hugs, > Deborah > > --- Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote: > > > OK, I have to confess. As much as it seems my > bpdd > > isn't acting bp at the moment because she has a > bf > > in her life that made it through her pms; I > still > > cannot wait until I can live my life on my own > with > > my dh. Selfish, maybe. But when I know that > > unstability is one break-up away and the roller > > coaster ride will begin again, I just want her > gone. > > > > No amount of cajoling or removal of her > allowance > > has spurred her to go out and get a job. She > just > > sits all day on the phone and plays video games. > > > > > I know the bf cannot last long because he is > more > > messed up than she is. He may even be a lower > > functioning bp than she is. She's pretty high > > functioning. Enough to send me to a psychiatrist > to > > try to wade through the fog in my life. Is it > me? Or > > is it her? Can't see the doc until 7/31. > > AAARRRGGGHHHH!!! > > > > I'll have to find a psycologist soon too. I seem > > to be an anxious, and sometimes paranoid mess > and I > > really need to know if it's me or if it's a > result > > of trying to raise a bp kid. > > > > The poem brings up some longings for me that I > > really feel guilty for having. I guess I need to > > find the source of my disturbances before I can > > allow myself to relax about it. > > > > OK, wandering thoughts done for now. > > > > Blessings to you guys. You are my outlet. > > Toni > > > > bauknight bauknight@...> wrote: > > Funny you sent this. It is posted on my fridge > and > > I was just thinking of > > sending it to you all. > > > > One thing i hear over and over is that they > don't > > usually get better until > > we stop rescueing. It is hard because when they > are > === message truncated === __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 23, 2006 Report Share Posted June 23, 2006 she's out of money. she stole her mom's debit card and took over $160, spread out over time. i don't know why her mom didn't notice it was gone or what was going on with her bank account (well i do b/c mom is BP too). so she's been overdrawn two or three times but as that is par for the course for her, she didn't make the connection. HELLO -- we've been telling her that we don't give sdtr any money. so anyway, she's got about $150 in her savings and we're getting it out tomorrow to give to the ex. her mom getting in her sh*t today scared her i think b/c she was on the phone IMMEDIATELY to the places where she applied for jobs and has an interview tomorrow. kelley c. Jamal Jilao somalitamale@...> wrote: My daughter unconsiously didn't realize she had it made in the shade until I stopped giving her money. I handed her very little this past year. That became a major wake up call to her. She also saw the last tax return that my husband and I did together and how much we brought into the household together. She knows what I make now. She said she couldn't believe the difference. I let her know I kept trying to tell her. Again it was her seeing it in black and white that made the difference, just like giving her a contract. Since that time, she stopped bugging me. Of course she didn't go out and get a job, that is a self esteem issue that she is trying to overcome now. Now that she has moved out she has no choice but to find a job. She is money conscious now! I'd let her run out of the money!!!! KD Land iaamfno@...> wrote: what is about BP teen-agers that they don't want to work? my sdtr had a job at fast food restaurant (one of the better ones) and got fired, although she says it doesn't count as a firing b/c she was going to look for another job anyway. then she got a job at a little coffee house about 2 weeks later and only kept that job for about 3 weeks b/c they got her number VERY quickly. she hasn't had a job since. her dad (my H) has taken her to about 12 places in the last month to put in appications but she will not call or follow up. she lives with her mom (thank god; although mom is also BP) and SHE is always wanting to know what my H is going to do make the dtr get a job. her savings is almost completely gone and we don't give her money out of it (very rarely -- and we control it) but she ALWAYS has money. i guess her mom doesn't see that dtr is robbing her blind. if her dad brings up the subject of a job, she just goes off -- " all anyone talks to me about is getting a job; no one cares about me. " i don't fall for it but you just get tired of hearing that crap. kelley Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: Hi Toni, Please confess away. I for one am sitting her nodding. I used to storm in on my husband and scream, " I want her out NOW! " Isn't yours still in high school? Just talking off the top of my pea-brained head, I'd say don't try to get her to do anything that doesn't have anything to do with your personal convenience. Getting a job is something she needs to get money. As far as she can tell, it has nothing to do with you unless you offer rewards for her filling out applications. Cut the allowance and just sit back. Make sure no one gives her little donations here and there. NOW! Tying up the phone all day is definitely about your convenience. You have to pay for it, and is she tying it up for the rest of the family? That is the sort of thing you can say something about. If she has her own phone, is she supposed to be paying for it? Are she and the bf hogging the living room or eating you out of house and home? Is she breaking rules about curfew? Those are the sort of thing you can weigh in on. I would say that you have definitely got her number because you know that when the bf goes, so will the peace in your home, and that is good--no surprises! Is she the one with an appt on July 31? Is she willing to go? It boggles the mind that drs won't make room for emergencies. Toni, you've always done what you can, and you deserve some peace. Once you see a psychiatrist or a psychologist or take one of those boundary courses someone mentioned, you'll understand how important it is to get help for yourself. They can help you sort things out, and it's amazing what a little sorting can do. I spent about 18 years in the sort of fog you are describing. The bright spots were highlighted by help from professionals and the periods when she seemed to be in control of herself. Right now she is " fairly " in control AND we're getting professional help. Even better! Weren't you one of the one's who mentioned lots of church involvement? The times when I've gotten help from professionals, I feel like God has peeked through the clouds to give me a grin. I think to myself, that this is the way God intended me to be and that's why he led me to someone who could give me a hand. This is the way I can be of the most use to myself and to others! He's telling me that I'm human, too, and not capable of doing absolutely everything on my own. Big hugs, Deborah --- Toni P hephzeba2001@...> wrote: > OK, I have to confess. As much as it seems my bpdd > isn't acting bp at the moment because she has a bf > in her life that made it through her pms; I still > cannot wait until I can live my life on my own with > my dh. Selfish, maybe. But when I know that > unstability is one break-up away and the roller > coaster ride will begin again, I just want her gone. > > No amount of cajoling or removal of her allowance > has spurred her to go out and get a job. She just > sits all day on the phone and plays video games. > > I know the bf cannot last long because he is more > messed up than she is. He may even be a lower > functioning bp than she is. She's pretty high > functioning. Enough to send me to a psychiatrist to > try to wade through the fog in my life. Is it me? Or > is it her? Can't see the doc until 7/31. > AAARRRGGGHHHH!!! > > I'll have to find a psycologist soon too. I seem > to be an anxious, and sometimes paranoid mess and I > really need to know if it's me or if it's a result > of trying to raise a bp kid. > > The poem brings up some longings for me that I > really feel guilty for having. I guess I need to > find the source of my disturbances before I can > allow myself to relax about it. > > OK, wandering thoughts done for now. > > Blessings to you guys. You are my outlet. > Toni > > bauknight bauknight@...> wrote: > Funny you sent this. It is posted on my fridge and > I was just thinking of > sending it to you all. > > One thing i hear over and over is that they don't > usually get better until > we stop rescueing. It is hard because when they are > little we are doing > everything we can to find the cure, get an answer, > try this, try that. At > some point in time you give them your love and you > go on and have your life, > and you allow them to have theirs (I am mean not > under the same roof.) > > About a year ago I realized my daughter and I had a > dynamic of her falling > apart and me rescueing. It makes them worse. > > Thought u would like this > poem > > > > Its by Oliver. > http://www.poetryco > nnection.net/poets/_Oliver > - > > << > The Journey > > One day you finally knew > what you had to do, and began, > though the voices around you > kept shouting > their bad advice-- > though the whole house > began to tremble > and you felt the old tug > at your ankles. > " Mend my life! " > each voice cried. > But you didn't stop. > You knew what you had to do, > though the wind pried > with its stiff fingers > at the very foundations-- > though their melancholy > was terrible. > It was already late > enough, and a wild night, > and the road full of fallen > branches and stones. > But little by little, > as you left their voices behind, > the stars began to burn > through the sheets of clouds, > and there was a new voice, > which you slowly > recognized as your own, > that kept you company > as you strode deeper and deeper > into the world, > determined to do > the only thing you could do-- > determined to save > the only life you could save. > > > > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for > help, @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT > CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND ONLINE. > > Essential reading to help you feel better and > understand the BP in your life are: > > • SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells”) and the SWOE > Workbook (for everyone) > • HOPE FOR PARENTS > > Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your > copies. > > From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO > Online Community > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 23, 2006 Report Share Posted June 23, 2006 i was right -- no one was giving her money; she was stealing it. she took her mom's debit card and was getting things at the grocery store that she could walk to and then getting additional cash back. $160 that her mom has accounted for and we think there's probably AT LEAST an additional $150. that's a felony in this state. so her savings is now gone as the $150 that was there will be given to her mom to make partial restitution for the money she stole. it's a nightmare but my H is doing well keeping his boundaries in place and letting the two of them figure it out. we NEVER leave her alone at our house -- EVER. kelley Deborah minamimuki2004@...> wrote: > but she ALWAYS has > money. i guess her mom doesn't see that dtr is > robbing her blind. > if her dad brings up the subject of a job, she > just goes off -- " all anyone talks to me about is > getting a job; no one cares about me. " i don't fall > for it but you just get tired of hearing that crap. Why should she get a job when she gets money anyway? Ours always managed to live with what we sent her as a college student. We stopped giving her anything after she moved home. She finally decided to take a job she was actually offered when the dr told me not to " hire " her to work for me unless the work she did added to the profitability of my business. As soon as she heard that (and got her next cell phone bill) she made her first moves towards getting some work. It's still pretty iffy, but it's definitely a start. Deborah __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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