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Re: Helen

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Helen

I agree with you totally in that ill or not, they ARE responsible to get

fixed. They cannot go on and on making everyone else's lives miserable

including

their own.

I have a dear frien who counsels drug addicts and alcoholics. She says ill

or not, those with substance abuse problems and personality disorders will

only change and seek help WHEN they hit bottom. The only problem is each

person's " bottom " is different. Amd my daughter, I think, will be hitting hers

when she loses her house---at least I hope that will be her " bottom "

Jean

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Be VERY careful of the " hitting bottom " advice. Its been told to me before

and suicide was the bottom.

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I understand that. L was in a RTC and attempted suicide there. We went to

see her, and she said it was because I wasn't there for her. So, I asked her

if she was blaming me for her actions. She of course said no.

I can't be held responsible for their life. When she finds out that she is

responsible for her own life, she will probably take it more seriously. On

the other hand, when she was home she was doing enough self harm and

sabotaging her life even though we were doing everything we could to make it

difficult for her to not have a life that was reasonable.

I have quit rescuing her, and that is where it will probably stay. The only

thing I will probably respond to at this point, regarding help, is a call

that says " Mom, I realize that I have a real problem, and it isn't the fault

of those around me. I want to change. Can you help me find a doctor? " . At

that point I will probably respond with great excitement.

Helen

_____

From: WTOParentsOfBPs

[mailto:WTOParentsOfBPs ] On Behalf Of twinpinesjll@...

Sent: Monday, January 23, 2006 5:25 PM

To: WTOParentsOfBPs

Subject: Re: Helen

Be VERY careful of the " hitting bottom " advice. Its been told to me before

and suicide was the bottom.

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Helen

Good question . I too wonder how she will frrl about Will down the road.

But he may not ever want to come back because he said she calls the police on

him too often. My guess is he will end up back in jail or dead from drug

interaction. He does coccaine (crack actually), drinks booze till he passes

out

and smokes lots of pot. He has no restraints now and $300 to $400 a week to

bvlow on all his habits and this older woman ex con girl friend who knows his

drug dealer so my guess is she is probably also an addict and her parents

allow her to work in their business out of guilt. With any luck, he'll be dead

soon before he gets a chance to snatch Emerson again (the 14 mo old).

Jean

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Helen

I am just so sick of listening to all this. I have really reached my

saturation point. She will never be any better. She IS a loser, will always

be a

loser BECAUSE SHE doesn't WANT to change. Stopped going to counseling. I am

sick of babaysitting the 4 of them. I work at this real estate which is

busy now and demeanding so I have to have my wits about me or get sued and then

I have to go there and watch 2 screaming babies. The boysm are no trouble.

I hate my daughter at this point---I really do. For all I know, she probably

did sleep with him yesterday AM and will be pregnant yet again.

Jean

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Helen

Thank you for your words of encouragement and your wisdom from your

experience. Please pray that I can be tough, because that is where I never

follow

through and then I resent HER terrribly. And when I can't allow her to fall on

her face, then I hate myself as well. I guess the boys will have to suffer

as well. She only seems to really like Emerson---the girl baby. She says

vile things about my grandsons ----even---the newborn.

Jean

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Time to follow DebbieL's advice -- change your reactions to her actions. And

you don't HAVE to babysit those screaming kids. Hayden's old enough to go to

daycare now. Time for K to figure out some other way besides you. Take

yourself out of the equation Jean.

Kelley

cascorsam@... wrote:

Helen

I am just so sick of listening to all this. I have really reached my

saturation point. She will never be any better. She IS a loser, will always be a

loser BECAUSE SHE doesn't WANT to change. Stopped going to counseling. I am

sick of babaysitting the 4 of them. I work at this real estate which is

busy now and demeanding so I have to have my wits about me or get sued and then

I have to go there and watch 2 screaming babies. The boysm are no trouble.

I hate my daughter at this point---I really do. For all I know, she probably

did sleep with him yesterday AM and will be pregnant yet again.

Jean

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Excellent advice to Jean, Kelley

Time to follow DebbieL's advice -- change your reactions to her actions. And you

don't HAVE to babysit those screaming kids. Hayden's old enough to go to daycare

now. Time for K to figure out some other way besides you. Take yourself out of

the equation Jean.

Kelley

cascorsam@... wrote:

Helen

I am just so sick of listening to all this. I have really reached my

saturation point. She will never be any better. She IS a loser, will always be a

loser BECAUSE SHE doesn't WANT to change. Stopped going to counseling. I am

sick of babaysitting the 4 of them. I work at this real estate which is

busy now and demeanding so I have to have my wits about me or get sued and then

I have to go there and watch 2 screaming babies. The boysm are no trouble.

I hate my daughter at this point---I really do. For all I know, she probably

did sleep with him yesterday AM and will be pregnant yet again.

Jean

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Jean,

For your sake - and for your daughter's too - please set your own boundaries

and just let her figure out what it means to be an adult. I got to the point

where I thought of it this way. If my daughter told me she was old enough to

do adult things (have sex), then she should take on adult responsibilities

(pay her bills, take care of her kid, get her own rides, etc.). My

definition of an adult is someone who takes care of his own bills and stuff.

I'd just put her on caller ID and not answer - tell her later, if she

catches you, that you are just busy with work. Even at night, you can't

take this kind of distraction. I'd unplug the phone, connect it to the fax

machine, anything. No real estate folks are going to call you between 10 pm

and 7 a.m., I would think!

Anyway, I wouldn't trust my daughter for a second. When she has come to me

telling me she has a crisis, the crisis really isn't anything like what she

says.

However, I would add a big caution: don't give in to hate. That will hurt

you more than anything else. She probably is a loser, like you say, because

she doesn't want to change. I love my daughter, but our relationship is

working only within the boundaries I have set. That has really improved

things!

I have found that I love my daughter, but if I let her use me like that I

end up being a basket case and lose perspective. I want to help her, but

only where it really counts - getting to treatment, getting help that will

change her life. She doesn't want that, and that's all that I will offer to

support. It's tough! I think tough love is tougher on the parent than on the

kid. Because being tough and being loving aren't what we usually think of as

things that go together!

Vent, please! Writing to us will probably help you!

I'll pray for you too, Jean.

Helen

_____

From: WTOParentsOfBPs

[mailto:WTOParentsOfBPs ] On Behalf Of cascorsam@...

Sent: Thursday, June 15, 2006 1:54 PM

To: WTOParentsOfBPs

Subject: Re: Helen

Helen

I am just so sick of listening to all this. I have really reached my

saturation point. She will never be any better. She IS a loser, will always

be a

loser BECAUSE SHE doesn't WANT to change. Stopped going to counseling. I am

sick of babaysitting the 4 of them. I work at this real estate which is

busy now and demeanding so I have to have my wits about me or get sued and

then

I have to go there and watch 2 screaming babies. The boysm are no trouble.

I hate my daughter at this point---I really do. For all I know, she probably

did sleep with him yesterday AM and will be pregnant yet again.

Jean

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Good for you, Helen. Have fun and relaxation. Wish I were going with you !!

Jean

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>

> Good for you, Helen. Have fun and relaxation. Wish I were going

with you !!

>

> Jean

>

>

>

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At this moment you " hate " your daughter but you love those kids. That's why

you do it don't you think? I think you need to stick with the facts when you

are talking to and that would be whatever she needs to know about the

kids while she was gone. If she starts to talk about the jerk, I would stop

her and say I choose not to discuss that. Keep the boundaries up. Does she

ever bring up the mortgage- or there lack of?

Give a little leeway, she did go on a field trip. Many mothers refuse to.

cascorsam@... wrote: Helen

I am just so sick of listening to all this. I have really reached my

saturation point. She will never be any better. She IS a loser, will always

be a

loser BECAUSE SHE doesn't WANT to change. Stopped going to counseling. I am

sick of babaysitting the 4 of them. I work at this real estate which is

busy now and demeanding so I have to have my wits about me or get sued and

then

I have to go there and watch 2 screaming babies. The boysm are no trouble.

I hate my daughter at this point---I really do. For all I know, she probably

did sleep with him yesterday AM and will be pregnant yet again.

Jean

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