Re: Suggestions on what to say?

January 23, 2006

I haven't had to deal with this, but I have to admit that the one phrase

that came to mind when I read your message was: " Tanner is learning how to

speak, and he's doing great! " with a silencing stare (obviously more effective

with an adult). But I think even without the silencing stare, a child would

probably move on if delivered in a certain kind but authoritative way...sorry

you

had to deal with this. I remember how I felt when my son's teacher told me

that the other kids in his pre-K class were teasing him for how poorly he

colors. She says she told them, " Everyone learns at their own pace, and

is doing just great for . " But it was very hard to hear, and I don't

know how I would have dealt with it had I been there in his teacher's place.

In a message dated 1/23/2006 5:08:48 PM Pacific Standard Time,

abbyajaiden2001@... writes:

I don't really have any suggestions but I hope someone who has BTDT

will pop in. I had one child say something but we were with friends

and so not the same as in a big bunch. My son is 4.3y and the little

girl was a bit older, we just said he was still learning. So then she

would try and get him to say something and coming running to tell us

what he said. It was cute and my ds didn't mind. I worry more when he

will notice and how it will effect him then.

>

> What do you say when another child points out the speech differences

> in your child? My daughter is 3, and the other day one of her 3-

year-

> old friends said " Meg talks funny. She doesn't talk like everyone

> else. I don't understand her " in front of a group of Meg's friends

> and their parents. This is the first time something like this

> happened, so I didn't really know what to say. I think I may have

> responded that Meg is working really hard in therapy to talk

better.

> I have to admit I'm somewhat of an idiot in uncomfortable situations.

>

> Thanks for any suggestions!

>

> Kerri

>

January 23, 2006

I don't really have any suggestions but I hope someone who has BTDT

will pop in. I had one child say something but we were with friends

and so not the same as in a big bunch. My son is 4.3y and the little

girl was a bit older, we just said he was still learning. So then she

would try and get him to say something and coming running to tell us

what he said. It was cute and my ds didn't mind. I worry more when he

will notice and how it will effect him then.

>

> What do you say when another child points out the speech differences

> in your child? My daughter is 3, and the other day one of her 3-

year-

> old friends said " Meg talks funny. She doesn't talk like everyone

> else. I don't understand her " in front of a group of Meg's friends

> and their parents. This is the first time something like this

> happened, so I didn't really know what to say. I think I may have

> responded that Meg is working really hard in therapy to talk

better.

> I have to admit I'm somewhat of an idiot in uncomfortable situations.

>

> Thanks for any suggestions!

>

> Kerri

>

January 23, 2006

This most often happens to us, actually, at church! I explain to the kids that

Will's muscles don't work as well as theirs do. I explain that we are all good

at something and we all need help with something. Will needs help with ....

whatever was pointed out, walking, talking etc.

You have to stay on thier levels. Now these same kids understand a bit better

and are more tollerant of Will's behaviours.

Sherry Milner

TLC Independent Consultant # 423301

Ask me how to...

follow your dreams AND

get discounted scrabooking supplies!

---------------------------------

Photos

Got holiday prints? See all the ways to get quality prints in your hands ASAP.

January 23, 2006

>

> What do you say when another child points out the speech differences

> in your child? My daughter is 3, and the other day one of her 3-

year-

> old friends said " Meg talks funny. She doesn't talk like everyone

> else. I don't understand her " in front of a group of Meg's friends

> and their parents. This is the first time something like this

> happened, so I didn't really know what to say. I think I may have

> responded that Meg is working really hard in therapy to talk

better.

> I have to admit I'm somewhat of an idiot in uncomfortable situations.

>

> Thanks for any suggestions!

>

> Kerri

>

Kerri,

Jeanne here. That is why I wrote my children's book about apraxia. It

hasn't been published yet. But I will let everyone know when it does.

Regarding what happened to your daughter, it really hurts when that

happens, but at least the child was honest enough to say that and

still be a friend. I have had quite the opposite happen from strangers

who didn't even bother to ask my son or me anything they just walked

away. Don't feel like an idiot,you should be a very proud mom for

standing up for her.

January 23, 2006

Hi Kerry!

Here is an archive on this one (comes up lots)...

From: " kiddietalk " <kiddietalk@...>

Date: Sun Aug 14, 2005 3:19 pm

Subject: Re: Dealing with teasing kiddietalk

Hi ,

It does break your heart, but...

This is a subject that affects almost all humans at some point.

Some more and/or longer then others. It's how we deal with teasing,

and how we teach our children and those that tease them to respect

themselves & others that counts. Not all children with speech

impairments have to be teased, or teased more then the norm.

It can be a once in a while thing like it was for my son. Just stop the

staring, which means curiosity, by the 'circle of friends' I explain

below before it affects your son's self esteem. Tanner's " Mr. Cool "

today -has tons of friends, and knock on wood is not teased at all

for not saying everything the right way or fast enough all the time

by other children.

Have you read The Late Talker -we cover this in there.

Here are some archives on this from this group:

From: " kiddietalk " <kiddietalk@...>

Date: Fri Jan 14, 2005 1:02 pm

Subject: Re: school incident

Hi Corina!

A perfect opportunity for a small " circle of friends! " I have more

on that in an archive below.

I make sure when I talk to kids who are questioning I also say " He

feels bad at times that he's still learning to talk, but he's very

smart and knows everything you say to him and he can't wait to talk

more to you! " And with kids always add in " You can help him

because kids have a way of understanding each other even better than

adults if the teacher doesn't understand him. " Kids like to feel

important!

Most teasing is due to not

understanding what the issue is/ignorance -the more children you

explain

things to in a child appropriate way -the less chance of teasing and

the greater chance of better acceptance. Speaking of which also say

to the kids:

" Now that you know, if you see anyone ever teasing him it will make

him feel so much better if you stick up for him and tell them to

stop. " And say things like " Everyone learns to walk and everyone

learns to talk "

No reason to feel bad about not being able to speak as well anyway -

it didn't stop Scooby Doo or Ozzy from mega success!

~~~~~~~~~start of archives (two)

From: " kiddietalk " <kiddietalk@...>

Date: Fri Oct 15, 2004 10:43 am

Subject: Re: What do I say?

I am so proud of you!!! I smiled reading what you said to your son -

what a great mommy you are!!! This is such an important topic so I'm

so glad you brought this up -self esteem is so precious -and

important to keep high for our children.

All kids can feel bad about themselves at times -all kids can be

teased at times -so all of that is normal. It's how we help them

deal and learn to overcome. It's how we have a " conversation " with

a child who is feeling bad about their inabilities to have full

conversations.

When a child suddenly notices they are different -I like to rule out

why. What's the sudden change? I mean think about it -if children

didn't start school until 7 and there were no children his age in

the neighborhood -how would a 6 year old know he's

different...unless someone tells him, or it becomes that obvious

because he's around a bunch of others his age who easily do what he

can't -talk well.

Your son is at the age where he would be aware of differences,

especially if he is schooled with 'normal' speech wise children.

And school must have just started for your son. So that should be

number one place to look for this sudden awareness, and think about

talking to the teacher to ask her if something is going on there. A

good thing you can do just in case even to prevent problems is

the " circle of friends " Please let me know if you need to know how

to do that.

Is your son in kindergarten or first grade now? What type of

placement? I would also find out from him if anyone has teased

him. There has been just two (thankfully) situations since Tanner

was in school where there was a child that teased him about the way

he talks. Both times -Tanner came home moody -not himself. He also

typically loves going to school and was resistant to go around those

two times. What is interesting is that both times at first when I

asked him " did someone tease you at school? " Tanner said " No " The

way I got it out of him was by relating (OK so it wasn't true -but

he doesn't know that) by saying " It's OK to let Daddy and me know if

someone teased you -sometimes people say bad things to you when they

are having a bad day, or they don't feel good about themselves.

Like maybe their dog just died and they are in a bad mood. Or maybe

they are jealous because you are so smart and they don't feel that

smart. " and then I would say something like " I remember one day I

had to go to the bathroom and I tried to say " I have to go to the

bathroom " and instead said " I have potty " and the other kids thought

I pooped in my pants " I figured that had to be worse than any

speech blooper he had! And you know stuff like that works for

Tanner -makes him laugh at me -and at himself. Then he tells me

what really happened.

Perhaps it's due to those two times early on that Tanner is never

teased now. He knows how to handle it -it's hard for a bully to

tease someone who doesn't get upset. And speaking of bully -as the

list owner please let me know off list who is invading your privacy -

and I'll report them to and the FBI. This is a family

grouplist with zero tolerance for bullies.

We chose to talk to Tanner about his speech impairment in a child

appropriate way prior to him entering kindergarten just in case he

was teased, or wondered why he had to work so hard on something that

came so easily to others -talking. And the good news is that in

addition to what you already did -it's not to late to add a bit more

if you feel appropriate. I found it to be most important for school

age children with speech impairments.

I told Tanner that I was an artist in New York for years -so the

word different for me is not a bad thing at all -normal was a bad

thing to me! Being different is not unusual anyway -we are all

different. You can ask your son how many people in his school/does

he know that wear glasses. Remind him that wearing glasses means

that person needs help seeing, just like he needs some help

talking. Their vision may not be as good as yours, you can say, but

that doesn't mean that those people can't do or be whatever they

want -just like you. I told Tanner about Helen Keller -and about

the diamond " A diamond is a lump of coal that was put under intense

pressure for a long period of time " It all seems to work.

Tanner's always had a high self esteem, and as he ages -we even make

him more aware of what his apraxia is and how he has overcome it -

as you will read in the following -it's all in a good way. Just

like in The Late Talker book we explained how to relieve

frustrations in a " late talker " child -the same strategies do work

for the older ones too.

This is what I said to Tanner at six prior to him starting

kindergarten:

" Tanner when you were a little baby you had very high fevers that

caused a boo boo in here. (I touched his head) But what you did

was amazing Tanner! You see, most of us only use a tiny bit of our

brain, and most of us learn to talk the same way -but you have

somehow developed another pathway to talk using more of your

brain...which

actually makes you smarter than the rest of us!

Now this is the thing, sometimes people who don't know just how

smart you are may judge you based on how you talk and even call you

names. This is because they don't feel good about themselves, or

they don't feel as smart as you. So don't get angry with people

like that who don't use as much of their brain as you do. And

always let us know if someone ever says anything bad to you.

Then I paused and said with a mock serious face/mocking voice. " Now

Tanner, just because you are smarter then most other people -don't

go thinking you are better than anybody else. You hear me Tanner?

Tanner don't smile, you have to be nice to everybody Tanner "

(that made Tanner smile too)

Since we've moved from New Jersey -I now tell Tanner (stretch the

truth) that if he wants to ever feel normal he can move back to New

Jersey where all the kids his age just about have apraxia. I tell

him that the people where we live in FL are not used to people with

speech

problems, so some could prejudge him, but he can prove to them just

how smart he is. And he does.

Like your son:

Tanner knows that due to his " late talking " he has an " amazing

memory " and that he is " Mr. Mathhead " Tanner was the first in his

class to get the 1-12 table addition award for math last week! He

is now reading some scary stories for Halloween, just completed a

book report which was amazing, and we are just so proud of how great

he is doing!

Point being that Tanner today at 8 knows he isn't like others in

regards to speech. Then again there are ways that Tanner excels

over the norm.

Tanner can talk -and he is typically understood. His speech

impairment today is that his speech is still immature for an 8 year

old. He tends to keep his sentences short. If he has a longer

thought he pauses and breaks the thought up. In general, Tanner is

expressive, let's you know what he wants or how he feels -but he

isn't very expressive verbally. Tanner's speech ability doesn't

affect Tanner's ability to have lots of friends -he's a cool kid,

and a sweetheart too. Tanner's also received awards at school for

helping others who are in pain, or being the only one to remember to

help the teacher or other students clean up.

We just saw Shark Tail a few weeks ago with two of Dakota and

Tanner's friends. When Tanner wanted to describe to everyone what

he loved about a movie he as usual kept his comments down to one

short sentence, used some gestures and words like " So Cool! " -and

ended with a question, " right? "

Tanner's knows how to get others to talk -now that's his own

strategy! Sounds like your son is on the same track -and he's got

you on his side to keep him on the right track!

=====

January 24, 2006

I am anxious for the announcement of when your book will be available ...my

daughter is 7.5 and we have experienced many episodes of children making

loud announcements of 's speech differeneces. I never get

comfortable with these episodes but sometimes I let handle it or

step in and ask if she wants me to help her interpret for her. But

I know that is probably why she gravitates to the 2 year old children at the

park. She wants to be the helper...little mom ..We (she, her Dad and I)

openly joke at home how frustrating it is when no one understands her when

she answers the question as to what her name is.....but a book on the

subject would definitely help her see she is not alone....

's Mom

_____

From:

[mailto: ] On Behalf Of jbmistletoe

Sent: Monday, January 23, 2006 8:30 PM

Subject: [ ] Re: Suggestions on what to say?

>

> What do you say when another child points out the speech differences

> in your child? My daughter is 3, and the other day one of her 3-

year-

> old friends said " Meg talks funny. She doesn't talk like everyone

> else. I don't understand her " in front of a group of Meg's friends

> and their parents. This is the first time something like this

> happened, so I didn't really know what to say. I think I may have

> responded that Meg is working really hard in therapy to talk

better.

> I have to admit I'm somewhat of an idiot in uncomfortable situations.

>

> Thanks for any suggestions!

>

> Kerri

>

Kerri,

Jeanne here. That is why I wrote my children's book about apraxia. It

hasn't been published yet. But I will let everyone know when it does.

Regarding what happened to your daughter, it really hurts when that

happens, but at least the child was honest enough to say that and

still be a friend. I have had quite the opposite happen from strangers

who didn't even bother to ask my son or me anything they just walked

away. Don't feel like an idiot,you should be a very proud mom for

standing up for her.

January 24, 2006

Hi

this comes up often and I always think these conversations are like the

sex conversations - the more relaxed and confident and comfortable you

are the less of a big deal it seems to kids. The fact that you describe

it as an " uncomfortable situation " is half the problem - although I

have been exactly like that too!!!!

How do you talk to Meg about her apraxia? . I think the big thing is to

be able to discuss it with her in a way that makes her feel like it is

just something she needs to work a bit harder at than her friends, then

that is easily and cmfortably conveyed to her friends. Once you have

reassured her , found the language that suits her to discuss her

difficulties , she will be happy to hear those phrases around her. If

you feel tense and embarresed then she will sense this and feel shame.

I had a different situation because I had to find a way to discuss

Charlies autism in front of his older brother without Louis feeling

embarressed. Louis favourite was simply that.... " everyone is really

specail at doing some things and finds others hard. Charlie is really

really fast at running and the best ever on the trampoline but he finds

talking hard so we are practicing that a lot. Now do you want to try

and race him beacause he will kick your butt! " . One of Charlies

earliest full sentences was " Charlie is the winner at running " .

The words don't matter as long as Meg is comfortable and sure that you

are too.

Best wishes-

Deborah

In , " Jeff "

<kerripat@c...> wrote:

>

> What do you say when another child points out the speech differences

> in your child? My daughter is 3, and the other day one of her 3-year-

> old friends said " Meg talks funny. She doesn't talk like everyone

> else. I don't understand her " in front of a group of Meg's friends

> and their parents. This is the first time something like this

> happened, so I didn't really know what to say. I think I may have

> responded that Meg is working really hard in therapy to talk better.

> I have to admit I'm somewhat of an idiot in uncomfortable situations.

>

> Thanks for any suggestions!

>

> Kerri

>

January 24, 2006

Hi

oops ....I don't know what I am 'specail' at but i obviously need to

work at my speed typing.......! I hope it vaguely made sense LOL

regards

Deborah-

-- In , " beaniesmum2001 "

<MONXYMOO@a...> wrote:

>

> Hi

> this comes up often and I always think these conversations are like

the

> sex conversations - the more relaxed and confident and comfortable

you

> are the less of a big deal it seems to kids. The fact that you

describe

> it as an " uncomfortable situation " is half the problem - although I

> have been exactly like that too!!!!

> How do you talk to Meg about her apraxia? . I think the big thing

is to

> be able to discuss it with her in a way that makes her feel like it

is

> just something she needs to work a bit harder at than her friends,

then

> that is easily and cmfortably conveyed to her friends. Once you

have

> reassured her , found the language that suits her to discuss her

> difficulties , she will be happy to hear those phrases around her.

If

> you feel tense and embarresed then she will sense this and feel

shame.

> I had a different situation because I had to find a way to discuss

> Charlies autism in front of his older brother without Louis feeling

> embarressed. Louis favourite was simply that.... " everyone is

really

> specail at doing some things and finds others hard. Charlie is

really

> really fast at running and the best ever on the trampoline but he

finds

> talking hard so we are practicing that a lot. Now do you want to

try

> and race him beacause he will kick your butt! " . One of Charlies

> earliest full sentences was " Charlie is the winner at running " .

> The words don't matter as long as Meg is comfortable and sure that

you

> are too.

> Best wishes-

> Deborah

>

> In , " Jeff "

> <kerripat@c...> wrote:

> >

> > What do you say when another child points out the speech

differences

> > in your child? My daughter is 3, and the other day one of her 3-

year-

> > old friends said " Meg talks funny. She doesn't talk like

everyone

> > else. I don't understand her " in front of a group of Meg's

friends

> > and their parents. This is the first time something like this

> > happened, so I didn't really know what to say. I think I may

have

> > responded that Meg is working really hard in therapy to talk

better.

> > I have to admit I'm somewhat of an idiot in uncomfortable

situations.

> >

> > Thanks for any suggestions!

> >

> > Kerri

> >

>

January 24, 2006

Thanks ,

I have so many archives on this I never know which one to post:

(update: One teacher just told me Tanner's " too social " with all

his friends at times! -he's again now in mainstream 3rd)

From: " kiddietalk " <kiddietalk@...>

Date: Tue Apr 6, 2004 11:03 pm

Subject: Re: question about social milestones kiddietalk

" About the " why does he talk funny? kind of question from another

child.

It's tough when a child asks an innocent question that cuts through

you. For me that moment was when Tanner was still just saying " mmm "

prior to 3 years old and a child asked his mom right in front of

us " Mommy what's wrong with him? " while pointing right at Tanner.

When I first wrote this experience for The Late Talker -and when I

first read it -tears ran down my face. For me that was my moment

of deep pain and worry. That child asked just what I had been

wondering -and saying it outloud I felt protective, embarrassed,

angry, hurt, and wanting to say something back to make it all OK.

That moment however was prior to me being ready -after that moment I

never again was shocked and as if on auto pilot would say " he's

learning to talk and he's doing great " . I used this statement for

years with Tanner -even with kids, and it always worked really

well. If a kid talked earlier then Tanner and pointed this out

(happened once on Halloween when we were trick or treating) -

" well 'you' are obviously very advanced for your age in talking "

and change the subject.

With kids I do believe the questions are innocent, and that even if

not -teasing comes from ignorance. The way you answered was great

with " he's trying " . Kids today from a young age are taught

compassion for others who have any type of special needs. Problem

is that with verbal disabilities -most don't view it as a disability

yet. But not talking like everyone else, not being understood when

you talk, that can happen to anybody -anybody at all. If someone

doesn't believe this (like the MD you saw) just tell them to pick

themselves up and fly to a country where nobody speaks the same

language they do. But to be like our kids there is one other thing -

they have to understand all the comments and ridicule said right in

front of them as if they didn't exist.

So to answer your question Kim -yes our kids are aware and can

withdraw from others. The trick is getting them through this with

their self esteems intact. I again suggest activities the child can

thrive in that do 'not' involve speech. Like for example here are

just a few -Nintendo, GameBoy and other games like this, (if you

watch kids that talk well play these games -for the most part all

they do is grunt) team sports like soccer, or solo activities such

as arts and crafts, model trains or swimming where talking is not

required, or solo sports like karate where even if talking is

required nobody notices if you don't, musical instruments where the

instrument is the voice, etc.

I don't know of any children with severe impairments of speech who

have average to above average intelligence who do not feel

frustration from time to time. To direct answer your question

however Kim -Tanner is aware of his impairment of speech and has

been since school age and he never hesitates to talk in front of

anyone -and is not afraid of being teased. When Tanner was in

preschool we taught him " everybody learns to talk " and stuck to that

for years until he was old enough where we knew we had to teach him

more. We've talked to Tanner about his speech, and about the

possibility of teasing just in case so he's never caught off guard.

We let him know that people or kids that tease don't feel good about

themselves -or perhaps something bad just happened to them.

After seeing the new Scooby movie -Tanner left laughing about a line

from the movie he found funny. " Talking is for wimps " He kept

saying at first " Talkin 'enfa' wimps " but after a bit of practice

which Tanner does by himself now -he's already saying it correctly.

(Actually I really do think that Scooby Dooby Doo has apraxia. In

this latest movie the longer the sentence he had to say -the more he

broke down -really! Scooby for mascot!)

So Kim as you know -I sheltered Tanner when young -and then didn't

have to at all by the time he entered kindergarten...at 6. And

again -still doing great.

and my son Tanner's page

http://www.cherab.org/information/familiesrelate/letter.html

=====

January 27, 2006

Thank you for that email on what to say to kids and others when they ask

what is wrong. I too struggle with this, as I know many of us parents do. My son

is 3 with apraxia and just recently was at a birthday party where he was trying

to tell everyone about the dog he saw and of course everything came out

scrambled. Not only did the other kids stare and ask, but the parents were

whispering among each other ( I overheard them) wondering what was wrong. I was

devastated for my son, and I worry so about his self esteem. I am learning to

deal with this by keeping him positive and my responses to others positive (

i.e., " He is learning to talk, and doing great " , and praising him for trying

wherever we are) . As we all know each little milestone is a big deal to us

dealing with apraxic children, where to others with children developing normally

it is taken for granted. I have to keep a positive and upbeat environment for

him to prepare him for these situations., and I truly believe

this will be the beneficial key to his road

of recovery and leading a normal productive life.

I am so grateful for this group and all that is shared here, the support and

knowledge is such a blessing.

Merrie

kiddietalk <kiddietalk@...> wrote: Thanks ,