A letter to my son on his 17th Birthday

[Guest guest]

, my son, Happy Happy Birthday to you.

I know you already know I am going to say this - I can't believe you are

seventeen. When I look at you I often don't really see you as you are, but

rather I see the boy riding the ride on fire truck (which is still next to my

bed in case you ever want to use it ) ), making silly noises with his mouth,

grinning wildly, slamming into things and playing with duplo at the red table.

Sometimes when you are asleep I see the boy who didn't walk yet, with a mist

collar, sleeping quietly on his side. Sometimes I do see you as you are -

tall, proud, capable, charming, handsome, willing, hard working, smart, gentle,

kind, caring, accepting, thoughtful and loyal.

I am your mom, and so much of my being a mom has historically been about

alleviating suffering. For your brothers it started with the suffering of dirty

diapers, hunger, teething, and not understanding. Of all those things and of all

the medical concerns you have been endlessly tolerant, patient, enthusiastic and

good humoured. When you made the metamorphosis from the boy who had endless

energy and endless smiles to the one who saw the world and was ready to define

his place in it I saw the discontent in your spirit - this longing for meaning,

purpose and connection. I felt overwhelmed and literally helpless - unable to

offer any usable help. I have wondered the past few years how to lighten your

load. I see some of the times when you appear to feel alone, not connected, not

engaged. I have seen how hard you willingly work to attend, to succeed and to

excel. Sometimes I have even wondered if it would have been easier for you if

you had less hearing and could solely rely on sign language, or if you were less

aware and therefore not feel so alone.

In my own life all the blessings I cherish the most are often the ones that were

borne of great pain or desperation. With gratitude I now know there are no

coincidences and my life is abundant in beauty and unmerited goodness and I

bless all the paths that have brought me here. Your birth was a gift that

changed my life. When you were still an infant I already was grateful that the

circumstances of your birth came to us, for it has made me what I am- yet I

could not understand what benefit that would be to you. Today I realize how you

are a capable and brilliant person from a new perspective. You have been gifted

with the source of growth and blessing beyond measure. You are fully capable of

finding your own wholeness through your own evolution and fruition and your life

will be most blessed - the foundation, the ferment and the internal equivalents

are already in place, in fact you have already begun the work while I was busy

worrying and wondering.

Now I see your future not in terms of hardships, but in terms of opportunities

for you to discover your own strengths and gifts, to rejoice in the fullness of

a job well done and a day well lived, to become aware of the positive impact and

gifts you bring to other people, and to have the joy of making your own path.

I know you will be able to have all these things for I have been able to have

them myself, despite my own unwillingness and stubbornness. You are capable and

willing - that and attention are all that are required to nurture the growth of

the divine discontent into a continually flourishing and expanding fullness of

being.

Happy Birthday sweetheart - I am so glad we have shared this journey together.

I look forward to witnessing all you have to become. You are amazing.

love,

mom