Re: peg/mother

[Guest guest]

So so true! I was wonderiing about Pegs Mom too. People can decide to die or they can decide to be positive about cancer and get better. Sometimes they have to make that decision.

And caregivers have a really hard time. I was caregiver for my husband with Alzheimers. I took care of him at home until I couldn't handle him anymore. He was 220 lb and 6'1" and was very argumentative. Anyway, I had a support group who helped me a lot. When I had decisions to make they helped me. But the first lesson you have to learn is to TAKE CARE OF THE CAREGIVER FIRST- OR YOU CAN'T TAKE CARE OF THEM. Wasn't much fun to do especially when two of his three children thought I should keep him home.

I will continue to pray for your Mom and you. Start talking positive to her like Isn't she lucky she doesn't have Alzheimers or isn't it good news that they can help her live longer with good drs. I may be completely wrong, but I think negative thoughts dwell on the bad side of affairs. It does sound like she is giving up. Does she have her own home to go to. My Mom got better faster at her home after open heart surgery. And years ago when I was sick in the hospital the smells of our home, when I got home, was very helpful to my serenity.

Janet

[Guest guest]

---------(fill in the blanks with one mother, 1 aunt,2 sisters)anyway, I wanted to tell you about "learned dependency" which can occur as soon as three days after someone gets sick...they begin to think they can't do anything ever again, and get depressed and weaker.It istrue that their legs get weak from bedrest,etc. A social worker in a large teaching hospital told me this and helped me with someone I was taking care of. you have been doing everything exactly right, but you need help with this.be sure to tell her md's so they can evaluate her. soundslike she needs home visits for pt pronto. medicare will pay for it (but doublecheck.) don't try to do it alone anymore.winnie the meany

Dear Winnie, I do know and understand what you are saying. Before mom moved in to live with us I took care of my dad too. I think the stress of raising a then raging rebelling teenage daughter, taking care of daddy and now mom going thru this has just worn me out. From what I have read about my problem which I have read and read the name is GAD I see the pattern I have set for myself and why I respond the way I do when things get tough.

As for mom I have never thought anything other than okay we do the mastectomy, we do the chemo and she will be fine. So I think seeing her not able to walk, make it to the bathroom, dress herself, not want to eat.....it just doesn't go with what I was told how she would be after surgery and I see her giving up. I am angry but not at mom, I am angry with my brothers for not being there for her or me. I feel like they should be helping out, doing their share, giving me a break so I can rest and help mom get better. They don't understand nor do they care. It's Pegs problem we do not intend to disrupt our lives. I was even told after a near break down that it was a cop out to get out of taking care of mom.arghhh

Mom is going thru the dependency thing you describe and using me as her crutch. When the nurse came yesterday after my telling her of the day before.....mom did fine for her. It was almost like she was staring me down and calling me a liar. That did make me angry but hey if it took the nurse coming to get mom out of bed I am glad. Mom got up last night and ate with us, she didn't stay up long. Then as soon as my husband left it was a complete 90. She couldn't get to her bedside commode without help, peed on herself so I had to change her clothes and kept saying I don't know why my legs won't work. I reminded her that her legs worked fine while her nurse was here and that she hardly needed any help walking to the living room for supper. All she could say is I don't know.......It isn't the pain pills or other meds because I have slowly cut them back and she is now only taking pain two or three times a day. Right before her bandages are changed and bedtime are the only two I offer and she ask for one maybe when she wakes after breakfast. I haven't given her a Xanax in a few days and the sleeping pill I insist on so she will stay in bed while I sleep.

She does have a PT scheduled for today. It is a man so I am not so sure how that will work but maybe she will except it. She is very modest and shy.

Peg

[Guest guest]

I will continue to pray for your Mom and you. Start talking positive to her like Isn't she lucky she doesn't have Alzheimers or isn't it good news that they can help her live longer with good drs. I may be completely wrong, but I think negative thoughts dwell on the bad side of affairs. It does sound like she is giving up. Does she have her own home to go to. My Mom got better faster at her home after open heart surgery. And years ago when I was sick in the hospital the smells of our home, when I got home, was very helpful to my serenity.

Janet

Janet, She has lived with us for five years and is home in her own room. I do talk very positive to her but I also don't pull punches either. I am a straight talking kinda person and say what is on my mind most times. I think that is why this has been hard on me to deal with. I never thought it was going to be so tough on her as the doctor said she should have gotten up and walked the first day after all her legs are fine. Her words not mine.lol Mom and I do talk a lot and I have said this week look mom you have two decisions to make, to beat it or to let it beat you. I reminded her of her decision to do the mastectomy to live to see her great grand babies grow up. All I got from her was a stare.....

I will never give up taking care of her as in there is no option to put her in a nursing home ever. My father gave up and I gave up and he made it one month in one of those places. It was the worst decision I had ever made and I won't allow it to happen to her. If it takes every penny of her money and mine to keep her home having nurses care for her here then that is what will be done.

I may be having problems myself but she comes first. I think that is why I have such angry thoughts when it comes to my brothers...how can they turn their backs on their MOM? It isn't a question or thought in my mind. She is my mom and I will take care of her or die trying. All I need is some rest and I will be fine...all she needs is to get confidence that she can beat this and I hope that is soon.

Thanks

Peg

[Guest guest]

Regarding Your Brothers

Take the good advice of Dr. Northrup, if the siblings aren't helping out figure out how much your time is worth and the hours put in helping Mom and "Bill 'em" Send them a bill. They need to be there for you too or let them pay up.

Janet

IDC

[Guest guest]

Regarding Your Brothers

Take the good advice of Dr. Northrup, if the siblings aren't helping out figure out how much your time is worth and the hours put in helping Mom and "Bill 'em" Send them a bill. They need to be there for you too or let them pay up.

Janet

IDC

Janet, The only time they visit mom is for money. I have to be nice here, they do come sometimes and don't ask for money.lol My oldest does whine all the time hinting for a hand out though. I sure got my youngest brother last night. His son wanted to spend the night, my nephew who does often. We always have to go get him and take him home..Tim never does bring him or get him because he says he doesn't have the extra gas money. Well I said in front of him last night, since I have no help with mom and I am going thru this health issue of my own Todd has had to quit his overtime so we are having to cut back and that is one of them. If he wants to come over here then his dad will have to bring and get him from now on.....The only reason he was here last night was because my brothers get together every Friday night to drink beer and hang right down the road a mile. This is the second time in eight months that Tim has came here on his way to Rorys. There was a reason though...his son was dropped off here to be the driver home later after he drinks at my brother Rorys.lol

I really haven't thought of how much we are losing in our paychecks by Todd quitting his overtime to help me out with mom and give me a break until last night. So we will have to cut back in areas and that was a start.

Peg

[Guest guest]

>

>

> In a message dated 3/24/2006 10:44:07 P.M. Central Standard Time,

> momtwo3@... writes:

>

> Regarding Your Brothers

>

> Take the good advice of Dr. Northrup, if the siblings aren't

> helping out figure out how much your time is worth and the hours put in

helping

> Mom and " Bill 'em " Send them a bill. They need to be there for you too or

let

> them pay up.

>

> Janet

> IDC

>

>

>

> Janet, The only time they visit mom is for money. I have to be nice here,

> they do come sometimes and don't ask for money.lol My oldest does whine all

> the time hinting for a hand out though. I sure got my youngest brother last

> night. His son wanted to spend the night, my nephew who does often. We

always

> have to go get him and take him home..Tim never does bring him or get him

> because he says he doesn't have the extra gas money. Well I said in front of

> him last night, since I have no help with mom and I am going thru this health

> issue of my own Todd has had to quit his overtime so we are having to cut

> back and that is one of them. If he wants to come over here then his dad

will

> have to bring and get him from now on.....The only reason he was here last

> night was because my brothers get together every Friday night to drink beer

and

> hang right down the road a mile. This is the second time in eight months that

> Tim has came here on his way to Rorys. There was a reason though...his son

> was dropped off here to be the driver home later after he drinks at my

> brother Rorys.lol

> I really haven't thought of how much we are losing in our paychecks by Todd

> quitting his overtime to help me out with mom and give me a break until last

> night. So we will have to cut back in areas and that was a start.

> Peg

>

whooooa!yo are way too lenient with your brothers! and they are way too

off-base with their expectations of you! you are even " cutting back

by cutting back on your favors to your brothers! and if mom gives handouts of

money, it should be to you! I know this sounds harsh, but I went through this

same thing with MY siblings and had to try to deal with it with " tough love "

(without the love) but did not succeed...they were too used to just using me

until I was used up.

this was partially my fault, as I allowed it to happen too often and too long.

Winnie the ex-wimp

[Guest guest]

Good for you!!! And tell those brothers that if they have money for beer and Rory's, they can certainly stop the spending splurges and Help your Mom with money........I can't believe Todd had to quit his overtime job just so you alone can take care of your Mom. This is too much for me. Even a small amount each month would help and take some of the burden off you and Todd.

I'll come over and punch them in the nose, if you want!!! It makes me mad when kids (adults) can't get along on what they make.

Janet

IDC

[Guest guest]

whooooa!yo are way too lenient with your brothers! and they are way toooff-base with their expectations of you! you are even "cutting backby cutting back on your favors to your brothers! and if mom gives handouts of money, it should be to you! I know this sounds harsh, but I went through this same thing with MY siblings and had to try to deal with it with "tough love" (without the love) but did not succeed...they were too used to just using me until I was used up.this was partially my fault, as I allowed it to happen too often and too long. Winnie the ex-wimp

Nah Winnie no wimp, you and I just happen to be the best of the bunch.lol With love in our hearts, respect for others and the unselfishness attitude. The siblings do know it and they do use it against us. Why? They are jealous. Now I say they are scared little boys. I still love my brothers even though I can be very angry at their attitudes most times. It's just not in me to be able to hate them. I told mom yesterday morning it's their loss. None of us live forever and her and I will go thru this together and we will both have many memories to share and someday when she isn't here or me who ever goes first we will treasure those moments, they will have nothing but regrets.

Peg

[Guest guest]

Good for you!!! And tell those brothers that if they have money for beer and Rory's, they can certainly stop the spending splurges and Help your Mom with money........I can't believe Todd had to quit his overtime job just so you alone can take care of your Mom. This is too much for me. Even a small amount each month would help and take some of the burden off you and Todd.

I'll come over and punch them in the nose, if you want!!! It makes me mad when kids (adults) can't get along on what they make.

Janet

IDC

Janet, You sure could come and punch them in the nose if you wanted.lol We don't support mom financially she just lives here with us. Todd my husband is just a workaholic and is saving for our retirement. When the doctor said Peg can't do it alone or she will end up in the hospital, Todd started taking off his weekends of overtime to help me out and make sure he doesn't lose me. On the other hand the boys could use some of their beer/party money to buy gas to visit mom more often or take her on occasion to the doctor or shopping or what ever to give me a break..hec they could take a day off and give me a day off. Spending a day with your mom shouldn't be considered a waste of money. I drink beer, go out and have fun too but I guarantee you if I had to choose between mom or that? It would be gone from my house and my life. No question.....

Peg

[Guest guest]

Peg

I respect your thoughts about your brothers but don't agree. One thing I had to do with my Mom when she had to go to Everett or Seattle for a dr appt. She had maclear degeneration and couldn't see very well. When I was working full time and so was my younger brother, she asked me to take a day off to take her to Seattle. I had had it because Jerry always got off scott free. So I just told her that, 'I don't see why Jerry can't take off a day and take her down' so he did.

And the best part of it was when Mom told me later as they crossed a street in Seattle Jerry took her hand, just like he did when he was little, and it warmed my mother's heart so much. Now how can you take that kind of experience from your brothers?

With love and respect

Janet

IDC

[Guest guest]

And the best part of it was when Mom told me later as they crossed a street in Seattle Jerry took her hand, just like he did when he was little, and it warmed my mother's heart so much. Now how can you take that kind of experience from your brothers?

With love and respect

Janet

Janet, I wouldn't take any experience away from my brothers but I am not going to beg them anymore. If they want to spend time with her fine if they don't, their loss. Mom ask them to come and help out and they tell her the same thing they tell me, well more..they whine of excuses of money or this or that. With me they just say no or they can't.

This past couple of weeks dealing my health problems and realizing the stress was going to have to get under control or I would be sick and unable to help mom I had to make a decision that things had to change, one being no more arguments with the brothers. You can't force someone to do what they don't want to do.

Peg