~Update~

[Guest guest]

Hi All,

I thought I best check in with all since I am recieving a lot of

e-mail wanting to know if I am OK. Well in truth NO I AM NOT!

I would like to know why everytime I find a place I do love I can

NOT live there because my health just won't allow it. It is NO FAIR!

I loved Wisconsin and almost died trying to live there. Now I am back

in Georgia where I also love and I only continue to get worse. Once

again it seems I am in bed more than I am out and most days would

almost rather be dead than alive. I hurt from head to toe, am sick at

my stomach to the point I can hardly hold anything down again. I am

having horrible headaches that a lot of time prevent me from even

opening my eyes. Mike and I have came to the point of believing that

I can simply not live on this Island I have came to love so much. We

can get away even for a few hours on the week-end when he is home to

drive and insists I get up and out and after awhile I do get a little

better. Then once we get back to the creeks that start the Island I

instintly start getting worse. I start gasping for breath for one. We

believe it must be the swamp gasses from the creeks & swamps that

surround the Island. Then I go from one extreme to the other I either

don't sleep at all or I sleep almost non-stop. What is the point to

life if we have to live in bed with the covers over our head to keep

out all light just to survive?

I know we are a burden to and her family. They are going

through so many finacial difficulties and seems to be another around

very bend in the road. Not to mention the fact I am taking up a much

needed bedroom in their home. As bad as I want a place of my own, all

say I found this and that and I make calls, go and look at places

that I KNOW I can not afford. Who am I kidding? I can't even afford

to help them out in their difficulties let alone pay for a place of

my own. It all just adds to my feeling down & helpless. I continue to

get more depressed on top of everything else. That just pulls me down

farther. Then I start to miss my big old hot/cold (depending on

season), filthy, piled up leaky old house in Texas. I even miss my

OWN old ratty, torn up bed, my animals, my family, all my own

belongings. But I can't live there either because of the ecconomy, no

jobs hence our reason for leaving to start with. Then we get here to

a job that seemed to offer so much only to be a delousion of it's

own. The job was here yes, but not at what was told Mike would be

making before we came here. If we did try to go back to Texas we

would be going back to no employment, no utlities (all have been cut

off due to unable to pay), and no health care. Here I do have these

wonderful people who have opened their home to us, I have who

at least does check on me a couple times a day to make sure I haven't

died back here in this room, still at the moment no health care, on

an Island I don't know if I can live on. It's a kinda damned if I do,

damned if I don't situation. I just do not know from one minute to

the next what to do. It won't be long before the holidays are here

and the arrival of out of state family for & her family. Where

am I to go and what am I to do???? I know I am in the way and I don't

know what to do about it.

Then there is my clueless Husband. After all these years he still

doesn't have a clue what I go through or how to deal with my illness

so he chooses to just ignore it. When I have to I fight off his

advances until I am simply to weak to even fight him anymore and just

lay there and let him take what he wants, Then he reaches the

conclusion I must feel better because we had sex. NO we didn't he

DID! I weigh about 115/120 lbs. to his well over 230 lbs. so when I

am gasping for breath trying to breathe I must be enjoying it, YEA

RIGHT! When I have been sick for several days at a time and basically

haven't even gotten out of bed he gets mad. Not at me really I don't

think but at the situation. He doesn't know how to help so his answer

is to get upset which he can't see just makes it harder on me. He

never offers to help, never asks if I need anything. It's like if he

ignores it then it will go away. We have been married for 7 years and

it hasn't went away yet what makes him think it might now?

I am also having a new thing happening. I don't know if it's

fibro related or not. In the past I had always associated this

feeling with a thrill. It's that tummy dropping feeling you get from

going over a big hill fast or riding a roller coaster, or even the

thrill you get just before you reach that orgasm. Hope you know what

I mean. Anyway for the past month or so it has been happening simply

with opening and shutting my eyes, or just turning my head. Anything

can cause it. Well it's not fun anymore. It happens so much and so

often it is litteraly making me sick to my stomach. I am wondering if

I will ever be able to associate this feeling with a thrill again? I

don't have a clue what is causing it or how to stop it. Has anyone

else had any dealings with this feeling?

I guess what this all boils down too is I needed to just let it

out. I do appreciate all the wonderful people in my life, I do read

the posts as I am able even if I can't answer them all. I am just

once again feeling hopeless and helpless in life. Both of which are

feelings I hate worse than anything. So now you know what is really

going on with me!

God Bless!

/WolfPoet/MamaT

Owner & Founder