Guest guest Posted July 16, 2002 Report Share Posted July 16, 2002 I hope the other complany gives you better luck! Jacquie H > I got my letter today from the bus company. I think I told you all that I passed the test but then the next day had my interview. That did not go over to good. The letter said that they are not interested at this time. So I guess I will go and apply at the other bus company then. That happened to a friend of mine she did not get hired at the company I just applied to but got hired at the other company and has been there for 6 years know. > > Lori > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2002 Report Share Posted July 16, 2002 Thanks Jacquie H. I agree with on the baby's name. If they can't use her right name then they don't need to see her. Lori Re: Letter I hope the other complany gives you better luck! Jacquie H > I got my letter today from the bus company. I think I told you all that I passed the test but then the next day had my interview. That did not go over to good. The letter said that they are not interested at this time. So I guess I will go and apply at the other bus company then. That happened to a friend of mine she did not get hired at the company I just applied to but got hired at the other company and has been there for 6 years know. > > Lori > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2002 Report Share Posted July 16, 2002 Sorry Lori- Good luck at the next one! Penny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2002 Report Share Posted July 17, 2002 Well, it's their loss, Lori...good luck with the other company! Mimi > > Letter > > > I got my letter today from the bus company. I > think I told you all that I passed the test but then > the next day had my interview. That did not go over > to good. The letter said that they are not > interested at this time. So I guess I will go and > apply at the other bus company then. That happened > to a friend of mine she did not get hired at the > company I just applied to but got hired at the other > company and has been there for 6 years know. > > Lori > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2002 Report Share Posted July 17, 2002 Thanks I just sent of a resume to a company looking for someone to be a Box Office Cashier. I am here filling in an application for the other bus company. I will find something. I also just had one hell of a fight with Terry who showed up thinking we could get back together. I am so upset right know that if I had a punching bag I would be working up one hell of a sweat. Lori Letter I got my letter today from the bus company. I think I told you all that I passed the test but then the next day had my interview. That did not go over to good. The letter said that they are not interested at this time. So I guess I will go and apply at the other bus company then. That happened to a friend of mine she did not get hired at the company I just applied to but got hired at the other company and has been there for 6 years know. Lori Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2002 Report Share Posted July 17, 2002 Thanks Mimi Lori Letter > > > I got my letter today from the bus company. I > think I told you all that I passed the test but then > the next day had my interview. That did not go over > to good. The letter said that they are not > interested at this time. So I guess I will go and > apply at the other bus company then. That happened > to a friend of mine she did not get hired at the > company I just applied to but got hired at the other > company and has been there for 6 years know. > > Lori > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2002 Report Share Posted July 23, 2002 > I'm sorry about the letter Lori!! Good luck with the other company!! Something will work for you, I know it....call it gut witch instinct > Ditto to this, Lori, except for the witch instinct. Putter may be a pagan, but the rest of us in this house are not! Good luck to you! Salli Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 31, 2009 Report Share Posted July 31, 2009 Joy, As much as you feel unintended consequences from the letter you mailed, I just want to say that I don't think it was a wasted action. You may not see the benefits for some time to come, but I've no doubt they will be there. I'm not trying to give you empty words; I really do believe this. If nothing else, you are continuing the journey of fleshing out your own identity and place in life. This is a worthy effort! There is a grief that may always be there to a degree, but I'm not so sure that's a blad thing. You know that you will not be one of those people who discounts the heartaches of others, and that in itself is a precious gift. Take care, > > But as someone else mentioned, at least I know where my loyalties lie. > > I don't have to worry about that anymore. Maybe my life will become more balanced as a result. > > -Joy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 31, 2009 Report Share Posted July 31, 2009 Joy, I somehow have the feeling that you will be fine. You will learn to live without the help of your FOO and probably find it not so unpleasant. It is a dark time for you right now, but there is a light at the end of that tunnel even if you can't see it yet. The letter may have caused you a lot of pain, but sometimes we do things for reasons we are not consciously aware of at the time and can only begin to understand later. There is a lot we see of ourselves and of the world that there just isn't time or energy to explain to our conscious minds. Psychology is sometimes biased against this behavior, and will sometimes underscore (unintentionally) our pre-existing KO habit of doubting ourselves because it priveleges the conscious, linguistic mind over other types of thinking. But the fact is that the things we do that are based on perceptions and observations we are not consciously aware of are not always motivated by self-destructive or maladaptive fixed patterns from our past. They are sometimes extremely sound and wise choices. It's possible you wrote that letter simply because Toxic Parents advised it and you didn't know enough to not do it. But it's also possible you wrote it because you needed to slam the door on your family so that you wouldn't keep creeping back to it and getting burned. You may have needed to have certain things out in the open because all of the secrets in toxic families are exhausting to maneuver around and to maintain and you just don't have the energy left to do that anymore. I don't know, but I still think even with the pain you are in right now, that you are going to see the way forward, and that it will continue to not be easy for a long time, but it will be better. I may just be biased--I was nc with all of my blood relations for 15 years and I don't regret a second of it, although it was difficult at the time and it is still difficult. I am only contact with my bpd sister (my only sibling) and her family and I know that there is really no way I could have managed a relationship with her that was not destructive to me before now. I don't at all regret those 15 years of silence, even if it meant I missed some important things in her life--like her wedding and the birth of her child. I just needed some time away from the madness to heal. As KOs, our families are often very complicated, because you have to be either extremely well adjusted or more than a little messed up to deal with a bpd on a regular basis--or to want to--and so it often means our siblings and our non parents are as difficult for us to deal with (or nearly so) as the bpd parent at least for a lot of our lives. This isn't the case for everyone, but I think it's the case for many. And I also think that when we realize our bpd parent is who they are and we start to want to do something about our relationship with them so that it is less harmful to us, our tolerance in general for relationships that are toxic goes down across the board. Once we realize we don't have to take it from our bpd parent, I think we often start to realize we don't have to take it from anyone and we start to want to do something about it. It is enormously disruptive, and change--even good change--is stressful. But I'm still rooting for you. Best, Ashana Love Cricket? Check out live scores, photos, video highlights and more. Click here http://cricket.yahoo.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2009 Report Share Posted August 1, 2009 It's possible you wrote that letter simply because Toxic Parents advised it and you didn't know enough to not do it. But it's also possible you wrote it because you needed to slam the door on your family so that you wouldn't keep creeping back to it and getting burned. You may have needed to have certain things out in the open because all of the secrets in toxic families are exhausting to maneuver around and to maintain and you just don't have the energy left to do that anymore. Hi Ashana, When I read the above in your message. I think it is both a, b, c, and d so to speak. I spoke with my ACOA group, my therapist, and a confidant (who gets it); and I feel more validated and I think sending the letter may be a blessing in disguise. I'm thinking if I hadn't sent it, I would be back to where I started from (possibly)... It definitely keep me from going back. Because I now know it will only get worse...much worse...within my FOO. Ha. Sometimes I feel like a refugee. So odd but liberating at the same time. Thanks, Joy > > Joy, > > I somehow have the feeling that you will be fine. You will learn to live without the help of your FOO and probably find it not so unpleasant. It is a dark time for you right now, but there is a light at the end of that tunnel even if you can't see it yet. The letter may have caused you a lot of pain, but sometimes we do things for reasons we are not consciously aware of at the time and can only begin to understand later. There is a lot we see of ourselves and of the world that there just isn't time or energy to explain to our conscious minds. Psychology is sometimes biased against this behavior, and will sometimes underscore (unintentionally) our pre-existing KO habit of doubting ourselves because it priveleges the conscious, linguistic mind over other types of thinking. But the fact is that the things we do that are based on perceptions and observations we are not consciously aware of are not always motivated by self-destructive or > maladaptive fixed patterns from our past. They are sometimes extremely sound and wise choices. It's possible you wrote that letter simply because Toxic Parents advised it and you didn't know enough to not do it. But it's also possible you wrote it because you needed to slam the door on your family so that you wouldn't keep creeping back to it and getting burned. You may have needed to have certain things out in the open because all of the secrets in toxic families are exhausting to maneuver around and to maintain and you just don't have the energy left to do that anymore. I don't know, but I still think even with the pain you are in right now, that you are going to see the way forward, and that it will continue to not be easy for a long time, but it will be better. > > I may just be biased--I was nc with all of my blood relations for 15 years and I don't regret a second of it, although it was difficult at the time and it is still difficult. I am only contact with my bpd sister (my only sibling) and her family and I know that there is really no way I could have managed a relationship with her that was not destructive to me before now. I don't at all regret those 15 years of silence, even if it meant I missed some important things in her life--like her wedding and the birth of her child. I just needed some time away from the madness to heal. As KOs, our families are often very complicated, because you have to be either extremely well adjusted or more than a little messed up to deal with a bpd on a regular basis--or to want to--and so it often means our siblings and our non parents are as difficult for us to deal with (or nearly so) as the bpd parent at least for a lot of our lives. This isn't the case for > everyone, but I think it's the case for many. > > And I also think that when we realize our bpd parent is who they are and we start to want to do something about our relationship with them so that it is less harmful to us, our tolerance in general for relationships that are toxic goes down across the board. Once we realize we don't have to take it from our bpd parent, I think we often start to realize we don't have to take it from anyone and we start to want to do something about it. It is enormously disruptive, and change--even good change--is stressful. > > But I'm still rooting for you. > > Best, > Ashana > > > Love Cricket? Check out live scores, photos, video highlights and more. Click here http://cricket.yahoo.com > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2009 Report Share Posted August 1, 2009 Wow, . I hadn't thought of it like that before. Bless you, Joy > > > > But as someone else mentioned, at least I know where my loyalties lie. > > > > I don't have to worry about that anymore. Maybe my life will become more balanced as a result. > > > > -Joy > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2009 Report Share Posted August 1, 2009 Oh...I remember taking Primatology 101 in college. I remember we watched a video about those baby monkeys and the fake fur mothers...it was a few years ago. But I remember how sad that was watching them. Poor things. Poor KOs. -Joy > > Hi Joy; > > Ya know, if you hadn't sent it before going NC, you might wish you had. > Bottom line: nothing will help or change her (see thread Back from Hades) > because she's a scorpion/snake. So you might as well do whatever you want. > If you were not going NC with her, that'd be different. But since you are, > it's okay, because again, it won't change her but you are doing what you > need to do. In fact, if she responds, it will only make you more secure in > the knowledge that you didn't change or hurt anything by sending it. And > that she's completely stinkers bonkers. > > One of the terrible memories of my childhood was watching the science news > videos of baby monkeys that, for testing purposes, some had fake mothers; > they were just a post of wood with a furry covering and a makeshift face. > But those dear pitiful babies clung to that inanimate object with all their > little hearts, programmed to believe it was mommy. At some point, they may > have come to realize their mommy was not alive, not even an animal. That's > pretty much what we had - a post of wood with furry coverings. And when we > got older, we began to realize that just like the post of wood, there was > nothing inside our nadas. So whatever you do, enjoy it. You got your > feelings out. I actually did get my feelings out using something like a > furry post of wood instead of nada! So it's all good. You did good. > > And yes, I believe you can forgive from afar. The forgiving part is to > remove the issue from your heart, it's your kind and loving thing to do, > because you know her brain is broken - she doesn't even have to be alive for > you to do it. > > Flowers in Oz > > > Letter > > > I realized today that sending a letter to my Nada was not in my best > interest. This is before I went NC. > > I noticed Toxic Parents promotes this, but other books and publications do > not. They instead say to write the letter to get it out of your system, and > then envision how a confrontation with your parent would look like. > > I see now that writing a letter seems to have caused me more stress than it > was worse. I wasn't going to see my Nada anymore, anyway...so I don't know > why I sent it. > > Oh well. > > Thanks for listening. I don't know what the next step is. I feel like I can > forgive her and let it go...truly let it go. I am just beginning to enjoy my > life immensely and it feels farther and farther away. > > Is it okay to forgive someone from afar in your heart (and maybe through > prayer) and not actually do it in person? The letter was obviously not > pleasant as it talked of abuse; but I don't feel like seeing her to forgive > her. > > So toxic. > > I am just confused at the concept of forgiveness. I probably have other > issues of guilt as well. > > -Joy > > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at > @... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON > THE GROUP. > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL > () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline > Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can > find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE > and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2009 Report Share Posted August 1, 2009 Joy, Forgiveness is a strange thing. I think it is more about finally accepting what happened and letting go of the anger. I think it is about forgiving yourself for the guilt and mix of emotions that you have felt as you pulled away. To look after yourself and to do what is best for you is a very foreign thing to KOs. We were not programmed to do this. And, in doing so, it has caused you (and I) great pain. I'm not so sure it is about forgiving your nada, but forgiving yourself and finally a finding sense of peace that we all have been seeking. Abby > > I realized today that sending a letter to my Nada was not in my best interest. This is before I went NC. > > I noticed Toxic Parents promotes this, but other books and publications do not. They instead say to write the letter to get it out of your system, and then envision how a confrontation with your parent would look like. > > I see now that writing a letter seems to have caused me more stress than it was worse. I wasn't going to see my Nada anymore, anyway...so I don't know why I sent it. > > Oh well. > > Thanks for listening. I don't know what the next step is. I feel like I can forgive her and let it go...truly let it go. I am just beginning to enjoy my life immensely and it feels farther and farther away. > > Is it okay to forgive someone from afar in your heart (and maybe through prayer) and not actually do it in person? The letter was obviously not pleasant as it talked of abuse; but I don't feel like seeing her to forgive her. > > So toxic. > > I am just confused at the concept of forgiveness. I probably have other issues of guilt as well. > > -Joy > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2009 Report Share Posted August 1, 2009 I remember seeing a documentary about those experiments too, vaguely. I think that one of the experiments showed that a baby monkey will the semblance of a mother, even over food. In a cage they set up two posts. One was wire and metal and a baby bottle with milk would be set into it periodically. The other post was set up to resemble a mother monkey more closely. It had soft fur and a rudimentary head with a face. The baby monkey would cling all day to the soft, fur-covered " mother " and only when starvation drove it, it would quickly go feed at the metal " mother " and then run back to the soft, furry " mother " even though that " mother " could not feed it. So, in psychological terms, we are genetically hard-wired to cling to the semblance of a mother even though she can't nurture us emotionally the way a normal mother can. Children are abjectly helpless in this regard; their brains are encoded on a very primitive level to cling to and imprint on who/whatever is presented to them as their primary caregiver. So, you young men and young women: choose well your spouse-to-be. -Annie > > > > Hi Joy; > > > > Ya know, if you hadn't sent it before going NC, you might wish you had. > > Bottom line: nothing will help or change her (see thread Back from Hades) > > because she's a scorpion/snake. So you might as well do whatever you want. > > If you were not going NC with her, that'd be different. But since you are, > > it's okay, because again, it won't change her but you are doing what you > > need to do. In fact, if she responds, it will only make you more secure in > > the knowledge that you didn't change or hurt anything by sending it. And > > that she's completely stinkers bonkers. > > > > One of the terrible memories of my childhood was watching the science news > > videos of baby monkeys that, for testing purposes, some had fake mothers; > > they were just a post of wood with a furry covering and a makeshift face. > > But those dear pitiful babies clung to that inanimate object with all their > > little hearts, programmed to believe it was mommy. At some point, they may > > have come to realize their mommy was not alive, not even an animal. That's > > pretty much what we had - a post of wood with furry coverings. And when we > > got older, we began to realize that just like the post of wood, there was > > nothing inside our nadas. So whatever you do, enjoy it. You got your > > feelings out. I actually did get my feelings out using something like a > > furry post of wood instead of nada! So it's all good. You did good. > > > > And yes, I believe you can forgive from afar. The forgiving part is to > > remove the issue from your heart, it's your kind and loving thing to do, > > because you know her brain is broken - she doesn't even have to be alive for > > you to do it. > > > > Flowers in Oz > > > > > > Letter > > > > > > I realized today that sending a letter to my Nada was not in my best > > interest. This is before I went NC. > > > > I noticed Toxic Parents promotes this, but other books and publications do > > not. They instead say to write the letter to get it out of your system, and > > then envision how a confrontation with your parent would look like. > > > > I see now that writing a letter seems to have caused me more stress than it > > was worse. I wasn't going to see my Nada anymore, anyway...so I don't know > > why I sent it. > > > > Oh well. > > > > Thanks for listening. I don't know what the next step is. I feel like I can > > forgive her and let it go...truly let it go. I am just beginning to enjoy my > > life immensely and it feels farther and farther away. > > > > Is it okay to forgive someone from afar in your heart (and maybe through > > prayer) and not actually do it in person? The letter was obviously not > > pleasant as it talked of abuse; but I don't feel like seeing her to forgive > > her. > > > > So toxic. > > > > I am just confused at the concept of forgiveness. I probably have other > > issues of guilt as well. > > > > -Joy > > > > > > > > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at > > @ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON > > THE GROUP. > > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL > > () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline > > Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can > > find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE > > and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 17, 2009 Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 And the saddest part of it is that the monkey was totally innocent. It wasn't his or her fault that he/she acted that way. This is also so true in human society. And we've all been judged as " odd " or " weird " or " different " because we had terrible examples as children and horrific childhoods. We aren't to blame for our fleas but society shuns us and judges us. Well, here we are - making it right. Thank you all for being here. Flowers in Oz Re: Letter Plus, I think that the documentary showed that the young monkey who had been raised in isolation (with only an inanimate " mother " to cling to) was so fearful when placed in a cage with a control group of young monkeys that had been raised in a more socialized way (a live mother, with other mothers and their babies) that the " normal " monkeys were freaked out by the fearfulness of the un-socialized monkey and tried to kill it. Fascinating stuff, imho. -Annie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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