issues, issues, issues...

[Guest guest]

I realize this is not a forum for DID and I am sorry if I have sent this

or something similar. I have been losing so much time lately that I'm not

sure what I have written to who when, but I guess I just need to get this out

somewhere and this is the only support forum I am on.

I have not been okay lately...not in the least. Saw my therapist today and

she kind of jarred me back to life, but I start school Monday after having

had a semester off and I am already leaping straight to anxiety attacks. I

mean, really? Already? How am I supposed to finish five months of four

classes when I am having anxiety attacks and haven't even started the semester?

I cannot have anxiety meds because I am an overdose risk (2 years ago I

overdosed and my psychiatrist still doesn't trust me). I am not on any

medication anymore.

I am not sure what this is all about except over losing freaking time. I so

don't want to be walking to class or sitting in class and I have some sort

of -switch-meltdown and someone finds me somewhere else having a

major anxiety attack. The last semester I went, (summer), I had a class that

happened to be in a building that felt really triggering for me. It was so

cold and felt like I was closed in and trapped. I ended up having to drop

the class after the drop date, in which they then gave me a F and now I have

to retake it.

I very much want to be able to go to school and get my nursing degree, but

I just don't know if my mental health will allow me to. I was talking to a

friend today who does not know I have DID, but she knows I have

anxiety/PTSD, etc..., and she was trying to calm me down about it...telling me

to take

it one day at a time.

It's so hard to take one day at a time when you lose 8 of your waking hours

to other people in your head.

My therapist was concerned enough that she called my husband and they

discussed whether I need to go back to the trauma hospital this weekend. It

would require me to travel because there is not one in my state. My insurance

has kicked in for January again for psych. But I have school and if I go

inpatient, I would need an understanding from my professors. My therapist

said she'd write me a medical excuse and get my work sent to me since it would

be a 4-6 week stay.

I need to get myself together and do this without needing my therapist or

to be inpatient. I want to do this on my own and I'm going to hate myself

even more if I give up and quit. I keep telling myself it's possible and I

can do it and then something else seems to happen to freak me out enough that

I question it. ( Today it was my dad hanging up on me (long story but

he's definitely the absent father and always has been).

Maybe I am being a whiny child about it at this point. I have plenty of

friends who have done this same nursing program and are doing fine.

I hate DID.

I hate having all these diagnoses hanging over my head.

Maybe I should have stuck to court reporting.

At least it was something I knew I could do well.

I feel like I am incapable of functioning like a normal human being. I suck

as a wife, a daughter, a friend...everything. My stability is really shaky

lately. Part of me wants the security of the hospital and part of me knows

I need to keep pressing forward if I am ever going to get through this and

be a normal person.